Rosie roared around the corner of Robert Kansas Elementary School with her left jean leg peeking out the window and her red lips bright as ever. Willow could hear the familiar sounds of Elton John’s “Levon” blasting through the window. As soon as Asher and Willow got into the back seat of the car, Rosie put on a pair of comically large pink iridescent sunglasses and rested them precariously on her nose so you could still see her eyes.
“Pizza’s at home,” Rosie explained, anticipating Willow’s and Asher’s hunger. “But tonight, we are eating with Elton... I hope you’re ready.”
Willow could see that Rosie was ready. She was wearing her favorite Elton John T-shirt. It had a huge saturated but now a bit faded image of Elton belting from behind a piano, eyes squeezed with passion. Willow could imagine her mother with a similarly scrunched face, lip-synching into a banana microphone while dancing on the couch.
Willow smiled, and then boogied along to the tune of “Levon” as the wind whipped through her hair. She looked at Asher, who was doing the same head bob to the beat.
Yes, Rosie, Willow and Asher were all ready to eat with Elton.
As soon as Lili Von came to a stop in the driveway, Rosie dashed into the house while Willow and Asher collected their backpacks, and then made their way through the front door. Rosie had her hip resting against the wall and a silver sequin vest dangling on her left pointer finger and a big necklace with a glittered dollar sign hanging from her right. She immediately wrapped Willow in the vest and placed the necklace over Asher’s head. Rosie wiggled her hand and wrist up into the air and turned her nose toward the ceiling like she was onstage in front of thousands as the music started to pulse in the air.
“There are more clothes upstairs in the dress-up drawer in the closet. Go add to your outfits, and then we’ll dance!”
Willow and Asher looked at each other with wide eyes and openmouthed smiles, bursting with excitement. They turned and ran for their mother’s closet.
A strange pause.
“Don’t go in the top drawer though,” she yelled after them.
They never heard their mother saying words like don’t. And they already knew where the dress-up clothes were. They had done this one hundred times.
“All the fun clothes are in the bottom,” Rosie shouted warmly after they completed their way up the staircase, hopping two steps at a time.
When Willow and Asher reached their mother’s closet, they pulled sequin shirt after sequin shirt out. They held them up against their bodies and posed in the mirror. They opened the bottom drawer and swapped sunglasses and hats and boas. They threw any uninteresting articles of clothing up into the air and let them float onto the ground. And so quickly, Willow was lost in the magic of the evening.
But then, without her mind telling her to do it, Willow’s fingers wrapped themselves one by one around the translucent knob of the top drawer her mother had asked her not to open.
And while Asher tried to walk in a pair of red patent leather stilettos, Willow slowly pulled on the drawer. But before Willow could get a full look of what was inside, there was a slapping crack that startled everyone. Rosie’s long fingers were wrapped tightly around her daughter’s wrist.
Rosie and Willow looked at each other, both stunned at the strangeness of this interaction. When Rosie and Willow touched, it was always soft and warm. But not this time. This was harsh and scary and unfamiliar. Their eyes stuck there, locked intensely. They could all hear the rolling of bottles and scattering of something as the drawer was forced shut. But before any more tension moved through the moment, Rosie looked side to side, smiled and said, “You’re it!” as if they had been in the middle of a game of tag all along.
Willow giggled and chased after her mother.
But there was a red mark on her wrist from her mother’s tight grip and a seizing uncertainty about those things rattling around in that drawer. But everything quickly turned back into fun.
After an hour jumping up and down on the couch to “Bennie and the Jets” and feeding each other pizza, Rosie sank into her seat quietly.
“I think it’s time for bed, noodles,” Rosie said languidly.
But Willow didn’t want the night to end. And she requested a viewing of Blazing Saddles. It was her mother’s favorite movie. Rosie looked at Willow, and then rocked to her feet to put the movie on. There wasn’t reluctance. But there wasn’t excitement. And watching her mother listlessly turn the television on with limp fingers made Willow’s tummy turn again.
Willow turned her attention back to the movie. She never understood all the jokes, but she always laughed when Mom did. But tonight, Rosie never cued anyone to laugh. They just sat on the couch, quietly scooping ice cream into their mouths.
But Willow remained confident that the couch dancing would ignite when it was time for Lili Von Shtupp to sing “I’m Tired.” It was their favorite part of watching the movie, flopping around like they were actually tired. They would all loosen their legs and arms and slowly tip over onto the pillows, only to get back up and act wobbly all over again. And they would laugh, and laugh, until they ended up in one big pile of fake tired in the middle of the couch. And, for the best part of the scene, Willow, Asher and Rosie would huddle up together and yell along with Lili Von as she said she was “pooped.” It was their favorite part and they couldn’t get through it without giggling and giggling straight from their bellies.
But tonight when the familiar scene of Lili emerging from the red velvet curtain in her black dress came on, and Willow took her position standing on the couch, Rosie looked the real kind of tired with her head leaning on a pillow and her eyes only half-open. But still, Willow and Asher did their flopping. And when Willow whipped her head around to yell out, “I’m pooped,” she expected to be joined by her mother. But Rosie’s eyes were completely shut and her small thin body was limp against the cushions of the couch. Without even letting Lili Von Shtupp finish her song, Willow turned the television off and put a blanket over her mother. She ushered Asher up to bed, then came back down and kissed her mother delicately on the cheek. She didn’t want to wake her.
And then Willow went upstairs to her own bed in her own room. She fell asleep slowly in a pair of pajamas that didn’t match her mother’s.
* * *
Willow’s eyes burst open and her heart stopped at the loud crack of lightning followed immediately by booming thunder. She gripped onto the edges of her sheets and braced herself for another loud sound. She could hear the frozen rain slapping angrily against the roof again. At the second lightning crack, Willow leaped out of bed and dashed downstairs to find her mother, who was still asleep on the couch.
“What is it, noodle?” Rosie asked in a raspy, just-woken voice as she stretched her arms out warmly for her daughter, who was standing nervously by the wall.
Already Willow could tell that her mother, although sleepy, was back to her normal vibrancy. Her normal level of attention to Willow’s needs.
Willow barreled into Rosie’s arms and tucked her head into her mother’s shoulder.
“Ooo, is it the storm?” Rosie asked behind a little bit of a chuckle.
Willow nodded her head but made sure to keep it pressed against her mother’s warm body.
“It’s just a bunch of water, baby! Nothing’s gonna hurt you.”
Rosie peeled her daughter off her chest, held her by her shoulders and looked her straight in the eye.
“I’ve got an idea. I think we can get un-scared of this thunderstorm thing. Yeah?”
“Okay,” said Willow, who was filled simultaneously with fear and trust and excitement.
Rosie lit up.
“Okay, sit tight for just a second. I think I have something that will do the trick.”
Before there was even another loud crack or boom from outside, the room had filled with a familiar song. It was Prince’s “Purple Rain.”
Willow followed her mother upstairs, and then Rosie started digging through the costume drawer in her closet. When Rosie emerged, she was holding a strange-looking pair of sunglasses. The lenses had been popped out of the thick black rims and replaced with purple translucent paper that was taped sloppily around the edges. Rosie bent down next to the bed and slid the glasses gently onto her daughter’s face. And just like that, everything magically turned purple. Rosie picked her daughter up underneath her arms and carried her to the window.
Willow was a little too big and Rosie a little too small for this, but it still felt so right.
They looked out the cold window together. They looked at the still-icy air with thick rain slashing through it.
“Check that out, baby. That’s purple rain,” Rosie said to her daughter in a warm whisper.
And it was. Big purple sparkling drops of water filled the sky. And when the drops met the ground, they turned into large purple sparkling pools of water. And when the lightning cracked and the thunder boomed, they only served to enhance the drama of Willow’s private purple storm.
It was beautiful. It was magic. And Willow was in awe of the purple sky. And of her mother for turning it that color.
Willow felt herself sinking into the scene. She felt herself become mesmerized by it right there in her mother’s arms. Willow’s muscles relaxed. Her heartbeat slowed, and her shoulders fell.
Right there in front of the window, Willow’s mother was her mother again. And Willow felt a wave of energy surge through her as she squeezed her arms against her mother’s chest.
“Okay, noodle. We’re going out.”
And before Willow could understand what her mother was saying, Rosie had already dashed down the hallway with Willow still in her arms, and her daughter’s little body bopping up and down at her hip as she held her purple glasses desperately against her face to keep them from falling.
Rosie pushed the back door open, set Willow down, tossed off her Elton John shirt, stepped out of her loose gray pants and ran out into the cold purple puddles.
Willow watched her mother’s bare bottom wiggle toward the bare trees on the periphery of their backyard. Willow couldn’t remember if she had ever seen her mother so naked before. She watched the way her mother’s hips moved side to side as she ran from one puddle to the next. She watched her breasts bounce freely up and down. She watched her curly hair stick to the sides of her wet cheeks. Willow wanted her body to move like that. She wanted her soul to be free like that. So Willow took off her nightgown and joined her mother in a naked dance in the purple moonlit rain at midnight.
The freezing winter rain kissed Willow’s skin on its way to the ground. It soaked her in happiness.
There Willow was, nose red and fingertips white, drenched in the cold, drenched in her fear, but feeling only happiness. There Willow was in her purple-lensed glasses, un-scared of the storm. And entranced by her mother. Swept up in her love.
Rosie picked up her daughter’s cold slippery body and hugged her closely.
Then as Rosie carried Willow inside, their wet skin slid against one another’s, but they felt all the more connected for it. And when they went upstairs, Rosie ran a warm shower for Willow and told her to meet back in Rosie’s bed to finish Blazing Saddles once Willow had dried off and gotten back into her pajamas.
“Wear the pink ones with the bunnies,” Rosie said through a wink. “I’ll wear mine too.”
Willow loved these nights with Mom. Tucked in her bed. Tangled up. Time extending indefinitely. Warming each other. Loving each other. Wearing the same pajamas.
But when Willow slipped back through her mother’s door after her shower, Rosie was already sound asleep on her bed. Naked with her wet hair still stuck to her cheeks and wet clothes scattered across the floor. She hadn’t even made her way under the covers. Willow nudged her cold bare shoulder back and forth.
“Mom. Mom,” Willow whispered.
No response. No movement.
“Mom. Get up.”
No response. No movement.
“I want to watch the movie.” Willow was now rocking her mother’s body back and forth, then quickly and desperately.
Still no response. Still no movement.
“MOM!”
Something was bursting inside of Willow. She wanted her mother awake. They were supposed to be watching a movie. And Rosie always did everything perfectly for Willow. And she had already fallen asleep once tonight.
“Mom? What about the movie?” Willow whimpered, pressing on her mother’s shoulder even harder.
“Please just wake up. Please.” The salty tears running down Willow’s cheek felt nothing like, tasted nothing like, the rain that had dripped down them only a few minutes ago.
Rosie peeked one eye open and pulled her daughter in toward her.
“No more movie tonight,” Rosie said, still not fully out of the grips of sleep. Or haze. Or something else entirely. “I’m too tired for a movie.”
And even though Rosie had closed her eyes and rolled over, and even though Willow still had tears flowing out of her, Willow curled around her mother like she always did. She placed her knee over her mother’s thigh. She rested her arm across her mother’s tummy. She let her heart fall against her mother’s chest. And as she felt her mother’s chest rising and falling, her heart slowly beating, she realized that this was the first time she ever heard her mother really say no.
And then Willow thought she heard her mother add, “I’m always too tired,” through another sleepy, breathy mumble.
Even though Willow didn’t feel scared of the rain anymore, she was having trouble falling asleep. And even though there was still magic lingering around in the air, Willow’s tummy turned at her mother’s broken promise. Mom never broke her promises. And never fell asleep too early. And never didn’t laugh during Blazing Saddles. And always tickled Willow’s arm.
But things had changed. Now she knew it for sure.
And the thought of a change in her mother terrified Willow. All the way down to her bones.
She didn’t know this mother who had become too tired. Too tired to dance on the couches? Too tired to watch a movie? Too tired to get in pajamas? Too tired to mother? Too tired to love?
Questions burned inside Willow.
Was her mother really tired? And what was rattling around in that drawer that her mother didn’t want her to open?