Chapter Fifteen
Eight Years Ago
Danny
“Smiles form the channels
of a future tear.”
-Lord Byron
It’s raining on my second day at the new school in Maui, a pummeling rain that sounds like a million tiny fists slamming into the roof of the car. The sky is so dark it feels like nighttime and the palm trees are thrashing back and forth in the wind like they’re trying to pull up roots and fly away into the black sky.
It’s a depressing day, and all I wanted to do this morning was stay in bed.
Instead, I had to get up at six to give my little niece Emmie a bath while Caitlin changed her soaked sheets.
Ever since Caitlin’s boyfriend died this summer, Emmie’s been wetting the bed. I don’t think Emmie understands what happened to Gabe—she’s just a toddler—but she can sense how fucked up and sad Caitlin is. My big sister cries herself to sleep every night. She thinks we can’t hear, but the walls in our old house were thin and now she’s sleeping in the same room with me and Emmie until the bedroom furniture she ordered is delivered next weekend.
Last night Caitlin didn’t make a sound, but I could feel the bed shake when she started to cry. I’m on the top bunk; she’s on the bottom, but she’s not so far away I couldn’t feel her sadness pushing up through my mattress, seeping into my skin, making me feel like I wanted to jump out of bed and punch the wall a few hundred times.
I’m so fucking pissed off, but not at Caitlin, or Emmie, or even my brother Ray, though he’s been a pain in the ass know-it-all lately. I’m pissed off at everything, the entire stupid world that created people like my dad and the man who kidnapped Caitlin when we lived in South Carolina. I’m pissed at people who leave, people who lie, and people who die just when you’re starting to think they might be there for you and that you might end up having a normal family with two almost grown-ups in it you can count on.
Instead, I’ve got a big sister who’s falling apart, a baby niece who stinks up my room every night, and a new school filled with assholes who want to beat the shit out of me. Yesterday, I pegged the two guys who are going to try first. I saw them eyeing me during lunch, sizing me up over their luau pork, or whatever the hell the cafeteria slopped onto our trays. I had barely tasted mine or had a chance to enjoy the novelty of actually paying for lunch, instead of getting it for free because my family is so poor. I was too busy keeping watch on the rest of the lunchroom, wondering how I was going to earn my first trip to the principal’s office.
I’m going to end up there sooner or later. I don’t take shit from anyone, and when you refuse to take shit, you inevitably end up dishing it out.
“Be good today, okay?” Caitlin turns to look at me over her shoulder as she pulls up to the curb outside school, practically shouting to be heard over the rain. “You don’t have to make friends, but don’t make enemies, okay? Okay, Danny?”
“Okay! Jesus.” I roll my eyes as I reach for my belt, hating that my big sister can read my mind.
I’m sick of her being in my head. I’m sick of this family and all our stupid problems. I’m sick of bad luck, but I don’t trust the good luck that’s found us lately.
The mystery relative, the house in Hawaii, the grocery money that’s suddenly in abundant supply after years of scrimping to afford mac ’n’ cheese—it makes me so nervous I wake up in the middle of the night freaked out and can’t get back to sleep.
The only thing worse than being at rock bottom is wondering how long you’ll get to enjoy the easy life before it’s ripped away and you find yourself back where you started.
“Bye bye!” Emmie waves goodbye as I open the door and jump out into the rain, but I don’t stop to wave back the way I usually would. The second I step outside, I’m already half soaked. By the time I reach the overhang near building one, the pounding drops have finished the job.
I curse softly as I start down the concrete path, my tennis shoes squishing with every step. My clothes are glued to my skin and despite the warm temperature, I’m freezing by the time I get to the basketball courts where we’re all supposed to hang out like some big happy family until the first bell rings.
There’s a giant metal thing—almost like part of an airplane hangar—that covers the courts and blocks the wind from one side, but the wind is coming from the other direction today. When I find an abandoned place on the wall to lean against, I have to fight the urge to shiver. I cross my arms at my chest, grit my teeth, and narrow my eyes, refusing to let on that I’m cold. I know better than to show weakness on the second day of school.
I’m still new enough to attract attention by simply existing in the same space as these people who have known each other—and the social order of this group of losers—their entire lives. I can’t let my guard down until I’ve made my place in this eco-system clear. I may be a runt and one of the smallest kids in school, but I’m a predator.
I’m at the top of the food chain, and the best call any of these punks can make is to stay the hell out of my way.
“You’re in my English class, right?” The girl walking by stops, cocking her head as she glances my way. She’s got crazy, fuzzy, almost-black hair and her mouth is too big, but she’s pretty, not the kind of girl who usually talks to runts like me.
“I like your shoes,” she adds, nodding toward my one-stars.
She’s probably trying to be a Good Samaritan, or win “Most Liked” at the end of the school year and get her picture in the yearbook, or something lame like that. Still, it wouldn’t hurt to talk to her. At least I know a girl in a fluffy black dress and combat boots probably isn’t going to try to kick my ass.
“Yours too.” I glance at her boots with the chain at the top. “Like the hardware.”
She smiles and her pretty face becomes beautiful. “Thanks, me too. I sewed it on myself.”
“Cool,” I say stupidly, because I can’t think of anything better to say. I can’t look away from her face, either. There’s something about this girl that makes me feel all…upside down inside. Something in her eyes, in that vulnerable, focused way she’s looking at me that makes me want to drop my guard.
But I should know better. Dropping my guard has only ever led to one thing—trouble.
“Hey kid, got any money?”
The voice comes from my other side, the flank I left unguarded while I was talking to Boot Girl. I glance over to see the big, mountain-shaped guy with the fuzz moustache who was staring at me in the lunchroom yesterday and his sidekick, a shorter kid with a thick neck and shoulders twice as wide as mine.
The big guy’s brown eyes are flat as his gaze slides from my face to the backpack slung over my shoulder, but the shorter kid is grinning and shifting from one foot to the other, obviously itching for an excuse to take what his bully friend wants if I don’t hand it over.
“Yeah, I’ve got some money,” I say, forcing a smile.
“Good,” Mountain Boy says, holding out one bloated hand. “Give it to me.”
“I have a better idea, why don’t you go fuck yourself.” Electricity crackles in my muscles as I prepare to fight, to draw as much blood as I can before these two take me down. I’m not stupid enough to think I can take them both, just hoping I can do enough damage that they’ll decide to pick an easier target next time.
The muscled kid laughs. “You’ve got a big mouth for a little kid.”
“I also hit pretty hard,” I say, smile still in place, refusing to show fear.
“Oh yeah?” Muscled Kid’s smile fades. “I bet I hit harder.” He takes a step toward me.
I’m about to drop my backpack and go for his gut, when suddenly I’ve got a mouthful of fuzzy black hair.
I sputter and step back to see that Boot Girl has wedged herself between the kid coming to pound my face and me.
“Leave him alone, Lono,” she says. “It’s only his second day.”
Lono scowls. “Get out of the way, Shark. I don’t mind hitting girls.”
Boot Girl stands up straighter. “I’m not moving. I’m not going to stand here and watch you hurt someone.”
Lono shrugs and pulls his arm back. He moves so fast there isn’t time to shove Boot Girl out of the way before the kid’s fist flies out, catching her in the gut. She doubles over with a cry of pain and I swear I feel that sound like I was the one who got sucker punched.
That asshole punched a girl!
A girl half his size who hadn’t done shit to him!
It’s all the spark I need to make the anger inside me detonate.
I hurl my body at that kid like a bomb and explode all over his ass. My fists fly so hard and fast, I’ve got him backed halfway across the concrete at the edge of the basketball courts in thirty seconds and on his back not long after. He fights back the best he can while he’s pinned. I feel his punches connect with my ribs and stomach a few times, but I don’t let them slow me down. I keep pounding on him like it’s my reason for living, the sound of the girl’s cry of pain echoing in my ears, making every suffering sound I draw from the bully beneath me that much sweeter.
I know I won’t have long before the big guy comes for me, but I make the most of the time I have, and when big hands lock around my upper arms and pull me off Lono, I’ve still got plenty of fight left in me. I spin to show Mountain Boy what I’ve got for him and come way too close to hitting a man in the stomach.
A man in a flowered shirt and khaki shorts with a teacher I.D. hanging around his neck…
I stumble and lift my hands into the air by my head. I still step on the guy’s foot, but it could have been so much worse. I know I’m headed to the office for fighting and might get suspended, but hopefully the fact that I stopped as soon as I saw a teacher will keep me from getting expelled.
“Both of you.” The man snaps his fingers at the kid on the ground. “Get up. Come with me.”
“Mr. Sanderson, wait!” Boot Girl appears at my side. “It’s not his fault. Lono started it. I saw the whole thing. And he didn’t hit anyone until after Lono hit me.”
Mr. Sanderson sighs and rolls his eyes toward the roof of the giant metal overhang, looking more irritated by the information than outraged, which pisses me off even more.
“Where I come from, we don’t let guys hit girls,” I say, not bothering to hide my contempt.
“Yeah, we don’t care for that, either.” Mr. Sanderson’s gaze slides to Lono, who’s picked himself up off the floor, before flicking back to me. “But I read your file. You’re no hero, Mr. Cooney, far from it, and you’re going to learn really quick that we don’t put up with violence at this school.”
He turns to Boot Girl. “Head in to the nurse Sam, I’ll come talk to you after I’m done with these two. And from now on, try to stay out of the middle of things, okay? No need to go looking for trouble.”
“Okay,” Boot Girl—Sam—says as she moves around Mr. Sanderson and starts toward the office.
But she only takes a few steps before she looks back over her shoulder. Our eyes meet and she smiles again, a just-between-us smile that makes me feel amazing, even though all the places Lono got his punches in are starting to hurt.
Right then, I know she’s not going to stay out of trouble. She’s going to come looking for trouble…for me.
The moment of connection only lasts a couple of seconds before she turns and walks away, but I know this isn’t the end with this girl. Insanely enough, I think she might like me—like really like me, not just as a friend. If I don’t screw things up, I might have a chance with her, even though I’m small for my age, my face isn’t anything to brag about, and she’s obviously one of the pretty, good girls who wouldn’t have sat next to me on the bus for a thousand dollars back home.
As I follow Mr. Sanderson to the office, I make a decision that’s nothing like me. I decide to suck up, play nice, and do whatever it takes to keep from getting sent home. I should want to smooth this over so I don’t upset Caitlin, but Sam is the real reason I want to stay.
I’m not too proud to play the victim if it means I’ll get another chance to see her smile today.
I’ve got tears in my eyes by the time Lono and I sit down across from the principal’s desk and I play the poor new kid who got beat up trying to defend a girl so perfectly Mrs. Nakayama has tears in her eyes by the time I’m done. I get off with a warning, Lono gets three days suspension, and I’m back in first period only a few minutes after the tardy bell rings feeling damned proud of myself. Even the fact that Mountain Boy didn’t get in trouble, and is still going to be around to glare at me during lunch can’t bring me down. I’m in school, and I’m going to see Sam again today.
I think about her all morning, and when fourth period English finally comes around, I’m so nervous I feel like I’m going to be sick.
I’ve never had a crush before—at least not a serious one—but this one is hitting me hard. When I step into Mr. Fiore’s room and see Sam’s fuzzy hair in the second to the last row, my stomach turns over. When I sit down next to her and she turns to me and smiles, it’s better than the time I found a giant stash of fireworks hidden in Caitlin’s closet.
“Hey, you okay?” I ask. “Your stomach and…stuff?”
“Yeah, thanks.” She studies my face for a second before she asks, “Did you really get in fights a lot at your old school?”
I shrug. “Sometimes. And sometimes my friends got me into fights. Some of them were pretty stupid.”
“The fights or the friends?”
“Both,” I say, smiling when she laughs. “But today was different. I’m really glad you’re okay. I hated seeing him hit you.”
“It didn’t hurt that bad. And it was worth it, you know? To stand up for what I believe in.”
“Yeah,” I say, even though I’m not sure I do know. I haven’t done much standing up for what I believe in. I’ve lashed out at the world for being shitty and unfair, and I’ve caused trouble because that was what was expected of me in a town where all the men in my family ended up in jail, sooner or later.
But now, I’m in a different place, and maybe I don’t have to be the same person I was. Maybe I can be the type of guy who stands up for things, for people. I’m not sure what I believe in, but I know I’d stand up for Sam again in a heartbeat.
“Want to eat lunch together?” I ask before I lose my courage.
“Yeah, sure,” she says. “I usually sit with Janis and Tia. You can sit at our table. They’re both nice, and sometimes our friend Pip sits with us, too. You’ll like him. We all go surfing together on Fridays. Do you surf?”
“No,” I say. “No ocean where I came from.”
“That’s okay, it’s not as hard as people think,” she says. “I could teach you if you want.”
“Yeah, that would be cool,” I say, but then it’s time for class to start and I do my best impression of one of those kids who pays attention in class, though really I’m still thinking about Sam.
We don’t get another chance to talk until lunch, but when I sit down with her friends, I’m immediately accepted because I’m with Sam. I sit there with three nice, pretty girls and a funny guy with long brown hair, who I think might be gay but I can’t tell for sure, and feel like one of the good kids for the first time in my entire life. By my first Friday at Haiku Junior High, I’m calling all of them friends, and by the second, I’m loading into Tia’s dad’s van with everyone after school, heading over to Baby Beach to learn to surf.
That year on Maui is far from perfect—Caitlin loses her baby, her friend Isaac becomes her boyfriend and things are weird at home—but every school day I get to see Sam, and slowly I become the kind of person who’s good enough to be her boyfriend. I learn how to control my temper, and stop looking for trouble. I start to understand what I believe in and how to make choices that show I’m better than the other predators who roam the school looking for easy victims.
I ask Sam to be my girlfriend at the Halloween Dance, and we start spending time together after school, and on weekends, too. Pretty soon, we’re inseparable. She’s the best friend I’ve ever had, and I want to kiss her so much it’s this gnawing feeling that chews away at my stomach lining every time we’re together. But I’m worried a kiss might change things, might make things too serious or something and then Sam wouldn’t want to be around me anymore.
I don’t think I could take that, so I wait.
I wait and wait and wait until the next summer, the day before we fly out for my dad’s funeral. I’m leaving the island for the first time since we moved, and a part of me is scared I won’t be coming back.
I finally go for the kiss in Sam’s backyard, after we’ve been jumping on her trampoline and are lying on the warm black surface, staring up at the sky as the stars pop out. The second my lips touch hers, I know that kissing is only going to make a good thing better, and that the love I feel for her is more than love for a best friend.
This is the real thing, this is what all those stupid songs are about, this is why Caitlin cried every night for so, so long.
Because she’d had this and lost it.
As Sam’s lips move beneath mine and her arms wrap around my neck with this little sigh that lets me know she’s happy, I swear on everything good in the world that I won’t lose her. No matter what I have to do, no matter who I have to fight, no matter what obstacles try to come between us, I will hold onto her forever.
Until the day I go into the ground.