Chapter Sixteen
Present Day
Samantha
“For the sword outwears its sheath,
And the soul outwears the breast,
And the heart must pause to breathe,
And love itself have rest.”
-Lord Byron
I hike up the trail into the foothills surrounding the lake, past the last cabin and up, up, up a fire road to God knows where. I only know it goes too far for me to find the end of it.
I walk until my feet hurt and the sun starts to set, and turn around when the forest grows chilly enough to make me shiver beneath my fleece. Only then do I start back the way I came, arms crossed tightly at my chest, jaw gritted against the cold. I’ve been gone at least an hour and it will take nearly that long to get back.
Danny should have had plenty of time to pack and leave.
Danny. Leaving.
Packing up his things and never coming back.
A fresh wave of misery washes up from my feet to punch me behind the backs of my eyes, but I don’t start crying again. I’m too tired to cry. I’m too tired to do anything but curl into a ball and sleep, though I doubt sleep will come easy when I’m lying alone in the bed where Danny slept beside me last night. It’s going to smell like him. I’ll be able to catch a whiff of his shampoo on the pillowcase and his Danny scent on the sheets. And it might be for the last time.
I may never smell him, touch him, see him smile ever again. The man I love might have decided he can’t love me anymore.
If so, I’ve made my worst fear come true.
Maybe I should have told him what really happened. If he knew the truth, he might be able to forgive me for being a coward, though I doubt it would change the outcome in the long run.
Our relationship would still be forever changed. I am forever changed.
Nothing I do will bring Deidre back, but I’m beginning to think nothing will bring me back, either. Not the old me, the girl who was so rarely afraid. The girl who had no dark secrets, no shame, no regret.
I hate that girl.
I hate how innocent she was, all while thinking she was wild because she enjoyed a little spice in the bedroom with the boy she’d been dating for so long they were practically the same person. I hate that she drifted through life expecting the bad things to be far and few between, and that she walked through the doors of the frat house so certain nothing terrible was going to happen.
I wish I could travel back in time and slap her in the face, shake her until her teeth rattle, do whatever it takes to knock some fear into her before it’s too late. I wish I could go even further back in time to shame the people who raised her to be fearless and brave, and to warn the boy who loved her so well he made her believe love lasts forever that he was setting her up for a long, hard fall.
Nothing lasts forever. Sometimes, knowing that everything comes to an end was the only thing that helped me get out of bed in the morning.
But now losing forever with Danny feels like it’s going to destroy what’s left of my heart.
It’s almost dark by the time I reach the cabin. I can’t see the parking lot from here. I don’t know if the car is gone, but I’m too tired to walk down and check.
My head is spinning and my lips and fingertips feel frozen. Stress and misery are as exhausting as training for a marathon. Worse, because at least you get an endorphin rush after a ten mile run and a few circuits in the weight room. All stress and misery leave behind is emptiness, hopelessness. They throw you down the deepest well in the world and leave you there to shiver alone in the darkness.
I’m shivering as I climb the stairs, and hoping the fire will still be lit. I’m too afraid to hope for anything else.
I saw the look in Danny’s eyes before I left. He’s never looked at me like that before, like a stranger, a monster who was holding the girl he loved prisoner. I’ve done my share of hating myself the past few months, but nothing as awful as the way I’ve felt this afternoon.
I wish there was another choice. I wish I could see some way out of this other than the way I’ve chosen. But I can’t and now all that’s left to do is to find out if I’ll be moving on alone. I push the door handle and step slowly into the cabin, holding my breath as I scan the room.
When I see Danny sitting on the carpet in front of the fireplace, I practically sob with relief.
And then I see them, the bottles…
There are two empty bottles of wine on the table beside him, and a third in his hand. From the looks of the liquid sloshing around in the bottom, it will be empty soon.
“What are you doing?” I push the door closed behind me, fighting the urge to cry.
“Going down with the ship,” Danny says with a grin. “Aw, don’t look so upset. It’s just a few bottles of wine. Nothing to cry about.”
“You’re an alcoholic,” I remind him, though I’ve never seen him wasted and have had to take his word for it that he and alcohol don’t mix well.
Even back when he used to drink, Danny never drank in front of me. Anytime there was a party on the beach or at one of my friends’ houses, he would volunteer to be the designated driver. He said he didn’t want to lose control or put me in danger. Back then, he swore he didn’t need alcohol to have a good time, but maybe now he needs it to dull the pain.
“I am,” he says with a shrug. “But who gives a shit, right? I like to drink. No, I fucking love to drink.”
He takes a swig of wine straight from the bottle and lets out a happy sigh. “Nothing feels this good. Just numb and free, up above it all.”
I lick my lips and cross my arms, not sure what to do, whether I should try to take the last bottle away or let him finish before I coax him into bed with a glass of water. I’ve never drunk anywhere close to three bottles of wine, but I’ve overdone it enough to know he’s going to feel like shit tomorrow whether he gets that last cup or so in him or not.
“You were right, Sammy,” he says, lifting his bottle in an unsteady toast. “Being a hero is overrated.”
I freeze, chest lurching beneath my tightly clenched arms. “You can’t be serious.”
“I’m serious,” he says, the last word slurring. “I’m with you, babe. Fuck trying to do the right thing. Fuck caring about other people. Let’s just do what we want.”
I shake my head slowly back and forth, still unable to believe what I’m hearing. “So this is my fault, too? I lifted you up, and now I’m dragging you down? Is that it?”
“Maybe we should start stealing things,” he says, ignoring my question as he lifts his bottle for another swig. “I’ve never told you, but I think Caitlin and Gabe still steal shit. Like they used to back before we moved to Croatia. I caught Gabe coming into the house dressed all in black a week before I flew out. He had a sock mask in his hand and everything.”
He winks at me. “See, I can keep secrets, too. I didn’t tell you about that. I kept it a secret. All. To. Myself.”
“I’d be so pissed at you right now if you weren’t drunk,” I say, lip curling as I turn to the kitchenette, grabbing a coffee mug and filling it with water from the tap.
“Then be pissed.” Danny laughs, a lazy rumble that makes me want to pour the mug of water over his head. “I know what I’m saying. I’m not going to let the knight in shining armor side of me ruin things with you. Deep down, I’m still that fucked up kid I used to be. I can be him again, all I have to do is stop trying to be something better.”
“Fuck you, Danny.” I set the mug next to him on the table and snatch at the wine bottle, but he manages to jerk it out of my way.
“No, fuck you, Sam,” he says, grabbing my wrist and holding tight, adding in a husky voice, “I want to fuck you all night long in that bed, and we’ll wake up tomorrow and start fresh. We’ll just be you and me. We won’t give a shit about anyone but each other. I didn’t even call Caitlin tonight like I said I would. Fuck caring. Fuck sisters and babies. It doesn’t matter. We matter.”
“That’s not what I want,” I say, pulling at my wrist, ignoring the way my heart has started to pound in my chest. “Let me go, Danny.”
“No.” His grip tightens until my wrist aches and horrible memories begin to sharpen their claws at the back of my mind. “I’m never going to let you go. I love you too much.”
He swallows hard. “I was headed out the door after you left and I just…couldn’t do it. I couldn’t leave you. I don’t care about being a good person if I can’t be with you. I don’t care about anything as much as you. If you’re going down, Sam, then I’m going down with you.”
Tears fill my eyes and my breath starts to come in shallow pants. “Please let me go.”
“No, come kiss me,” he says, tugging me closer. “Let me show you I—”
“Let me go!” I shout, the last word ending in a hysterical sob. “Please!”
“Okay.” His eyes open so wide it would be comical if anything were funny right now. “Jesus, Sam. You know I would never hurt you, right? I’m a drunk, but I’m not a mean drunk.”
I bite my lip and shake my head, struggling not to cry. “I can’t believe you did this. I can’t believe you put this on me.”
“I told you, I—”
“I can’t take it, Danny. I can’t take any more!” I suck in a breath and cover my face with my hands, losing the battle against tears.
I sob so hard my entire body shakes and I feel like my jaw is going to snap in half it’s clenched so hard.
“Relax,” Danny says. “Come on, babe, I—”
“I can’t take this,” I babble into my damp hands. “I can’t be responsible for you. I can’t be responsible for me, let alone you. I needed you to be the strong one, Danny. I needed it so bad.”
“I am strong,” he says with a grunt. “It’s okay, Sam. It’s just a little wine.”
“It’s two years of sobriety in the toilet.” I look up to see Danny weaving unsteadily toward me across the carpet, wine bottle still in hand. “I know how hard you’ve worked to stay sober, and you threw it all away the second I failed to be the perfect girl you want me to be.”
Danny scowls. “I know you’re not perfect. I just wanted you to try.”
“I am trying,” I say, laughing through my tears. “I’m trying so hard!”
“Doesn’t seem like it,” he says, lifting his wine bottle. “And if you’re not trying, why should I?”
“Because you’re better than this.” I wave my hand up and down his body as he tips back the bottle for another drink and stumbles. “Because you’re not dealing with the shit I’ve been dealing with.”
“Which is what?” he shouts, his voice loud enough to make me jump. “You still haven’t told me shit. You’ve barely talked to me for months, for fuck’s sake. I thought you were going to break up with me, Samantha. Do you have any idea how horrible that felt? To be thousands of miles away and feel you slipping away from me and not have any fucking way to get you back?”
“I don’t care,” I shout between the sobs gripping my chest. “I don’t care! Get the fuck over it! There are bigger problems in the world than the way you—”
My words end in a startled squeal as Danny hurls the wine bottle across the room. It shatters into two heavy pieces against the wall, and the remaining wine splatters across the white paint before rolling down the wall like blood from a wound.
“Fuck you,” he says, voice shaking with anger as he spins to face me. “There is no bigger problem in my world, because you are my world, you selfish bitch.”
I suck in a shocked breath as I back away from him, stumbling across the room until my feet hit the wall. It feels like he’s slapped me.
Danny has never called me names. Never.
We rarely fight, and when we do, raised voices are the extent of it. We don’t call each other names, we don’t say the words we know will hurt the most. When someone has trusted you enough to hand over every tool you would need to tear them apart, you honor that trust by never getting anywhere near those tools.
But it seems Danny’s decided he’s done playing nice.
“Ever since we were kids, your problems have always been the important problems,” he says, the words emerging in a low, menacing tone that raises the hair on the back of my neck. “Your parents’ divorce, your drama with the new stepmom, your issues with your mom flaking and all the new boyfriends. And I listened and listened and tried to make you feel better.”
A hard smile creaks across his face as he moves slowly toward me. “Meanwhile, my alcoholic piece of shit father died. And I hated him, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t fucking torn up and scared, too. And then my sister’s boyfriend came back from the fucking dead and I had to move to a new country and learn a new language and it felt like forever before I made friends. I was so lonely, and scared our new life was going to fall apart all over again, but you never asked about that.”
He stops in front of me, close enough that I can smell the sour, fermented smell rising from his skin. “Sam’s problems have always been the most important problems.”
He lifts his arms, bracing his hands on the wall on either side of my face. “But for some reason I never thought you were selfish until tonight. Why is that?”
I swallow, fighting the urge to duck under his arm and run. He’s drunk, but he’s still Danny, and I can see that he wants a real answer.
“Because you love me,” I finally whisper.
He nods, and his eyes begin to shine. “I do. But it’s more than that.” He stares down at me for a long moment, while my heart continues to pound. “I guess deep down I didn’t feel worthy, you know. It was fine for my shit to come second because I was just some ghetto runt who didn’t deserve you.”
“Danny, I never—”
“But that girl from your school deserves justice,” he pushes on, words slurring worse than they were before. “She deserves the best of you and you’re giving her shit. It’s more than selfishness, Sam. It’s criminal. Is that you want to be? A criminal?”
A hysterical laugh burbles up from somewhere inside me. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Right, right,” he drawls, eyes sliding closed as he swallows hard. “You know everything. You always know…”
He turns and lurches toward the bed, barely making it to the edge of the mattress before he collapses back onto the rumpled sheets.
“Sam always knows,” he mutters to the ceiling as his eyes drift close. “And I know…shit.”
I wait, watching his body for some sign of life. A few seconds later, he pulls in a breath that emerges as a soft snore.
He’s passed out. It’s over…for now.
My knees collapse. I slide down the wall to sit on the carpet, my thoughts racing. Danny’s words hurt, but he’s right.
What I’m doing is criminal. I can’t drag him down with me, and that’s what will happen if I stay. He might wake up tomorrow, regret drinking too much, and apologize for the things he said. We might find our footing and be okay for a while, but it will only be a matter of time before we stumble and fall again. Danny’s always been my rock, but apparently he’s only able to be that rock when he’s with someone worthy of his fierce devotion. I’ve tumbled off my pedestal and what used to work for us doesn’t anymore.
I never asked to be put on a pedestal—God knows I’m not perfect—but for Danny, I will try to climb back up there. I can’t destroy anyone else, especially not the person I love most in the world. I wouldn’t have gone back to L.A. for Deidre’s family or Alec. I wouldn’t have sat in that courtroom to maintain ties with my parents, salvage what’s left of my old life, or try to bring a scrap of justice to an unjust world. I don’t believe in justice anymore, but I believe in Danny.
So there’s only one choice I can make.
I gather my things, write Danny the hardest letter I’ve ever written, and all too soon I’m ready to go. I stand at the foot of the bed for a few minutes, watching him sleep, memorizing the way the light from the bathroom plays across his handsome face and his big hands look childlike curled in sleep.
Finally, I lean down and kiss his forehead softly.
“I love you,” I whisper, my heart feeling like it’s crumbling to ash inside my chest. “I’m sorry.”
I don’t know what I’m apologizing for exactly—dragging him thousands of miles from home only to leave him, or the selfish thirteen year old I was that year I complained about my own problems while his entire world was turned upside down—I only know that I wish so much that things could be different. I wish I could spare him the pain that’s coming, but that pain is the only thing that can convince him I’m still the girl he loves.
Maybe, after it’s all over, we’ll be able to find our way back to each other, but as I cross the room and let myself out into the sharp winter air, I can’t help feeling like this was the last time I’ll ever see Danny Cooney.
The feeling is enough to chill me to the bone long before the rain begins to fall, turning the road to a slick black ribbon as I drive toward Auckland.