Poppy
Trying to get the rambunctious puppy to walk on a leash was turning out to be more of a challenge than I thought it would be. He was tiny, but his little body was strong and he was determined not to cooperate. I was sure we made quite a sight as I struggled in vain to get him to walk next to me. Instead, he danced and leaped around at the end of the lead like a balloon with the air rushing out of it as he bounded from one smell to the next.
I was freezing because I hadn’t bothered to change out of my scrubs after work and the weather was fast turning toward winter temperatures. My heart might be firmly located in Colorado but my blood was still used to the Texas sun and sweltering heat. It didn’t help matters that I could probably stand to add a few pounds on my naturally thin frame. I’d never been built with the kind of curves that could stop traffic like Salem was, and after my husband abducted me at gunpoint and ran with me across state lines, all while doing the most horrible things imaginable to my body and my mind, I’d lost what little appetite I had to begin with. I could go several days without eating because wayward thoughts and memories of being violated and tortured had a sneaky way of creeping into my mind when I least expected them. They always made my stomach turn. I knew I should do a better job taking care of myself, but it was easy to forget that I deserved better, so I was constantly reminding myself to take each little victory as a sign that I was on the right path. There were days I ate three square meals and managed to keep it all down, but there had yet to be a night that I didn’t wake up in a cold sweat with a scream locked in my throat and my heart racing so fast it felt like it was going to explode.
I rounded the corner at the end of my block and came to a halt. The puppy took that as a sign that we were done playing and started jumping all over my lower legs and pawing at my shins. He whined at me until I picked him up, and as soon as he could reach my face, his little tongue started darting all over my chin and cheeks. I wondered if he could feel the tension that made my limbs stiff and the anxiety that tightened all my muscles. I felt my breath catch in the back of my throat and there was no stopping my eyes from rapidly blinking to make sure what I was seeing was real and not a figment of my imagination.
He looked like one of those black-and-white art prints that hung in every diner and restaurant I’d ever eaten in. The one that was a throwback to another era when cool was something you had to cultivate and couldn’t buy on Amazon. He was leaning against a black-and-silver car that looked like it should be on the cover of a hot-rod magazine and not parked on a busy and crowded Capitol Hill street. He had on dark jeans and a dark canvas jacket that had the logo of his garage embroidered on the front. His ankles were crossed on the curb in front of him and one booted foot bounced up and down, giving the impression that he’d been waiting for me for a while. His arms were crossed over his chest and his eyes were locked on mine as I stood still, unsure what to do. He had an effortless kind of charisma that radiated off of him. It was equal parts intimidating and irresistible. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to rush toward him or run as far from him as possible.
The puppy made the decision for me. Seeing another human, and thus another opportunity for pats and rubs, he threw his wiggling little body out of my arms before I could react. He hit the ground with a sharp yelp and then bolted right for Wheeler. I let out a gasp and took off after him thinking I could catch the end of the leash that was trailing behind him. I didn’t want him to run into the street or veer off into a yard where he didn’t belong. I was light-years away from being able to handle a confrontation with a hostile stranger that didn’t want the puppy in their yard.
I didn’t need to worry because Wheeler pushed his long, lean frame off the polished side of the car and reached the scrambling animal within a few strides. He crouched down as the puppy hurled himself into his arms and scooped the excited bundle up in one fluid motion. Then he was rising to his full height, which meant he was towering over me when I reached where he was standing. I was embarrassed at how out of breath I was. I was supposed to be stronger than I was before, but I could hardly handle a little jog up the block or the way my heart raced at the sight of him.
I shook my head and put my hands on my hips as I looked up into those arctic eyes. He was scratching the puppy under the chin and looking at me from under lashes that had the barest hint of red in them. “Why don’t you have a coat on?”
It wasn’t what I was expecting but his question reminded me that I was cold and that the lightweight hoodie that had the Saints of Denver logo on it wasn’t doing much to keep the bitter chill in the air off my skin. The shirt was probably the most exciting garment I had in my closet. It was the only thing I owned that was bright and colorful. I rubbed my arms up and down and fired my own question right back at him. “What are you doing here?”
The puppy barked like he was telling me not to be rude but I was unsettled by Wheeler’s unexpected appearance. It wasn’t the typical unsettled that I struggled with because he was a man that I didn’t know. It was the kind of unsettled that made parts of my body I forget could react to an attractive man feel warm and tingly. The kind of unsettled that had me involuntarily leaning closer to him as he started to shift so that he could pull his heavy jacket off one arm without letting go of the dog.
“I wanted to talk to you about the dog. Did you find someone to take him yet?” He shifted the puppy to his now bare arm and I watched the endless amounts of ink that covered his skin move and flex as he shook his other arm free of the coat.
“Uh … not really.” The truth was I hadn’t put that much effort into finding someone because I didn’t want to let the puppy go. In just a few days I’d grown attached even though I knew I wasn’t allowed to keep him in my apartment. I’d already asked since Dixie was allowed to keep Dolly, but the landlord informed me they were grandfathered in before the laws surrounding pit bulls in Denver changed. My little guy wasn’t that lucky.
My response made Wheeler chuckle. He stared at me silently as he held out the coat he’d taken off in his free hand.
“Put this on.” I stared at him like he’d suddenly started speaking Russian until he shook the coat again and frowned at me. His voice was serious and left no room for argument when he repeated the command. “Put this on, Poppy. I want to talk to you and I know you aren’t comfortable inviting me up to your apartment.”
I winced at the reminder of how spazzy and skittish I acted when I’d had to knock on Dixie’s door while he was house-sitting for her. He’d invited me into the apartment and it took every single ounce of courage I had to step over the threshold. Once inside with him, I’d been so jumpy and twitchy that both Wheeler and Dolly had given me a wide berth and plenty of space to freak out. Wheeler went to find what I needed for Dolly and didn’t even try to hand it off to me. He set it on the floor a few feet away from where I was quaking and shivering and then took himself all the way back across the room to the kitchen so I could gather everything up and make my escape without having to get too close to him. I’d wanted to cry tears of gratitude and sob with remorse at the same time. I hated that I couldn’t fight through the fear and just act normal.
I took the jacket he was holding out for me with shaking hands and fought the urge to bury my nose in it to see if it smelled like him. I liked the way that he always kind of smelled like he’d had his hands in something mechanical and messy. There was no expensive cologne for Wheeler, just the clean smell of soap, the lemony scent of whatever he used in that thick head of reddish-brown hair, and the persistent trace of how he made his living. It was honest and it was real. The way it surrounded me was intoxicating as I slid my arms into the sleeves of his jacket. The material went down well past my fingertips and the bottom hit me at midthigh. I was instantly warm, wrapped up in his scent and his lingering body heat. In fact, I couldn’t recall ever being this cozy.
I took a deep breath and moved my hands so I could push the hair that had escaped my messy topknot out of my face. “It’s cold, you can come up. I can’t promise that I’m going to be a great hostess or anything but I think I can handle a quick conversation without passing out at your feet.” He’d never asked on any of the occasions when we were together why I acted like such a basketcase around him. I figured somewhere along the line someone had given him the CliffsNotes version of what had happened to me. He could fill in the blanks with a quick Google search from there. My nightmare had a million links.
It was his turn to rub his arms up and down to keep warm as he considered me for a second. Apparently deciding he was going to take me up on my less than hospitable offer, he put the puppy down on the sidewalk, wrapped the end of the leash around his tattooed wrist, and nodded toward the front of the building. I scowled as the little troublemaker immediately fell into trotting steps right next to those booted feet like a good boy.
I followed Wheeler up the cement steps and almost bumped into his back as the big, glass security doors swung open. He shifted to the side with the dog but I was still right in the line of fire as four men who appeared to be college aged came out of the building. It was an affordable complex right in the heart of Capitol Hill, so there were a lot of young professionals and students that occupied the apartments around mine. Typically, I was sequestered, safe and sound, in my apartment with the locks thrown by this time. I rarely encountered anyone coming and going, and when I did, I kept my head down and stuck strictly to my side of the hallway. This random run-in was a first and it was going to end horribly as I stood stuck, like a deer caught in headlights. I was going to throw up. I was going to make myself a liar because there was a very real chance that I might end up passing out at Wheeler’s feet the closer the men got to me.
The laughter coming from the young men rasped across my skin and had my breath wheezing out of me in short, shallow pants. I needed to move. I needed to get out of the way. I needed to get safe. I put up a shaking hand as if I could ward off the oncoming collision and closed my eyes, mentally taking myself someplace far far away as I braced for the impact.
It never came.
My breath rushed out and my knees almost buckled as I heard Wheeler’s deep and unfailingly steady voice tell the other men, “Hey, fellas, how about you let the lady slide past you real quick?” There was nothing in his tone but friendly inquiry and maybe a hint of gentle warning that they didn’t want to ignore his request. Since I had my eyes closed I didn’t see, but rather heard, the guys offer up an easy agreement. I couldn’t tell how close they were to me, but in the span of a heartbeat I could tell they had stepped aside and my path to the doorway was clear.
A fuzzy handful was shoved into my unsteady grasp and I could feel Wheeler’s body heat as he stepped next to me, close and reassuring, but not touching. “Come on, honey, let’s get you and the pup out of the cold.”
I forced my eyes open and gave a jerky nod as I buried my face in the puppy’s warm neck. One foot in front of the other, I forced myself through the security door Wheeler was holding open.
“Thanks, fellas.” He flicked his fingers out from his forehead as I kept my gaze locked firmly on him instead of the men that had to be wondering what on earth was wrong with me. I heard the other men mutter back a bunch of “no problems” and “anytimes” but I couldn’t bring myself to look in their direction.
Thankfully my apartment was located on the ground floor. Moving out of Rowdy’s sister’s house and into a place of my own had been a huge step forward in my healing process, but I knew that there was no way I could ever chance being stuck in an elevator alone with a man I didn’t know. That would send me into a full-on breakdown. Fortunately, I found a place on the ground floor that luckily happened to be located right next to Dixie Carmichael’s apartment. I knew Dixie from the bar that Rowdy liked to hang out at, so it wasn’t like there was a stranger sharing the wall with mine. Eventually Dixie and her bubbly, sunny disposition wore me down to the point that I could go over to her place and didn’t freak out if she came into mine. I was going to miss her when she was gone. And I really didn’t want to think about the prospect of having a new person living that close to me.
“Give me your keys, Poppy.” Wheeler’s voice was still even and calm as could be even when he had to repeat himself for the third time because I was just standing in front of my door staring at it like it would magically open for me.
“What?” I looked at him dumbly as I continued to cuddle the dog trapped uncomfortably in my too tight grip.
He held out his hand, palm up, and lifted one of his mahogany-colored eyebrows at me. “Keys, unless you want to hang out in the hallway the rest of the night. I can do that but I think the puppy needs something to chew on because he’s about to make his way through the cuff of my jacket.” He nodded at my arms and I gasped when I noticed that the dog had indeed chewed his way through the too long material that was hanging over my hands.
“Oh no! I’m so sorry. I didn’t notice.” I scrambled to pull my keys out of the wide pocket that ran across the bottom of my hoodie. My fingers were still shaking so badly that I immediately dropped the keys on the ground by my feet. Before I could bend to pick them up, Wheeler moved and not only had them in his hand but had the door open and me moving forward with nothing more than a shift of his body behind mine.
Once we were inside, he took the dog from me so I could strip his coat off and get control of my violently shaking body. Effortlessly, he found the spot in the tiny kitchen where I had been keeping the Puppy Chow and settled the tiny terror in with some food and water. He was far too comfortable in my space but at the moment I was so grateful for his presence I didn’t care.
I put my hands to my cheeks and held my face. I could feel heat under the surface and I could hear the rush of blood between my ears.
“Are you going to be okay? Do you need me to get you something? Should I grab Dixie?” He sounded genuinely concerned about me and that only made me shake even harder.
“No, I’m fine.” I wasn’t fine and hadn’t been in a very long time. “Dixie is in Mississippi. She took Dolly down because Church moved into the house he rented for them and she wanted the dog to get used to their new home and so she could see what it was like to have a yard.” I was babbling but I couldn’t stop the words from pouring out. “How do you move me without laying a hand on me?”
He looked up from where he was watching the puppy dig into his chow. Those blue eyes were like lasers as they cut into me from across the room. He put his hands on the counter and leaned forward. “What are you talking about?” His voice still held that same even tone but there was something in it, some deeper note, that let me know he knew exactly what I was talking about.
I wrapped my arms around myself in a protective hug and met his look with a pointed one of my own. “I get stuck, frozen with fear. I end up caught between memories and reality. Most people grab my arm or touch me somewhere to get me moving again. Either that or they go around me like I’m in the way. You made me move without doing anything.”
His eyebrows shot up and the corners of his mouth pulled down in a frown. “People shouldn’t touch you unless you tell them it’s okay, even if you are in the way.”
His words had me shivering in a completely different way than I had been before and I was the opposite of cold. “I didn’t use to mind it.” The words cracked and sounded almost as broken as I felt on the inside. “I mean being touched. It wasn’t until … after.”
He lowered his gaze and I saw his chest rise and fall as he sucked in a deep breath. “The reason doesn’t matter. If you don’t like it, people should respect that. No one has a right to put their hands on you unless you want them there.”
Right there in that moment I thought I wouldn’t mind it too terribly much if he walked across the room and replaced the frail and thin arms that were currently holding me together with his thick, strong, tattooed ones. It was probably the only touch I would ever crave but I would never be brave enough to ask for it, so I cleared my throat and awkwardly made my way closer to where he was standing. I lifted myself up into one of the barstools that was across the counter from him and put my hands on the cool surface separating us and prayed they would stop shaking.
“So what did you want to talk to me about? I’m assuming you reconsidered my offer and want to take the furry little terror off my hands.” The puppy looked up from where his entire face was buried in his water dish and gave me a look of doggie disdain. I couldn’t help but grin at him. “I’m kind of attached to him now, Wheeler. I don’t think I’m going to give him up.” It felt like months ago that I’d stood in front of him, knees knocking together, offering him the puppy. In reality it had only been a few days but that was time enough for my heart to attach itself to the rambunctious and destructive puppy. I would have to move, buy a house or something, but I would do it save the dog. I could be a hero and not a victim for a change.
His lips twitched and I almost fell out of my seat when those twin dimples flashed at me. The boy was a heartbreaker without even trying. Now that I was close enough to him to actually study him, I was pretty sure the light smattering of freckles across the bridge of his nose was going to be my undoing. The dimples were too much, and the freckles were overkill. It wasn’t fair. A man shouldn’t be allowed to look both badass and adorable. Hearts weren’t meant to withstand that kind of onslaught and there was no way a vagina stood a chance against that kind of appeal. Speaking of which, I felt something deep inside of me start to get warm and my thighs clenched in response. I hadn’t been aware of my body and its reactions to the opposite sex in a long time.
“Have you given him a name yet.” The dimples cut deeper when I scowled at him in response.
“No, but that’s because I want the right name. He’s going to be stuck with it forever.” I pouted a little as he laughed and shook his burnished head.
“He’s a dog. Call him Good Boy and he’ll be happy.” He looked down at the dog and then back up at me with a barely noticeable wince. “I shouldn’t have let you leave the other day. I wanted to take him. I should’ve taken him, but my head’s all over the place right now and I can’t even tell which way is up half the time.” He lifted a hand and rubbed it across the back of his neck, which lifted the bottom of the black thermal he was wearing up and revealed the tight cut of his abs over the line of his jeans. I wasn’t surprised that he was tattooed there as well, but I was a little shocked that he seemed to be sporting a clearly defined six-pack. He wasn’t built bulky and thick like a lot of the other guys that were now a regular part of my life thanks to Salem and Rowdy and the tattoo shop. I should have guessed that hauling motors in and out of cars and throwing tires around all day led to having the kind of body that would have a lot of women pinning him to hot guy boards on Pinterest left and right.
“I’m terrified about the prospect of becoming a dad. I let that fear take over most of my life and I dismissed the idea of taking on more responsibility out of hand. The truth is, my house is lonely right now. I’m lonely.” He looked at me like I should have something to say to that but I couldn’t figure out what my response was supposed to be. There was a time when I was young and naive to all the ways a man could hurt a woman and I knew that girl would know what to say to him, but she was long gone. I was here biting my tongue to keep from saying what I was sure was the wrong thing. “I think the puppy might help me settle into the idea of being a new dad.”
I made a face. “You want to practice your parenting skills on a puppy?” It wasn’t a horrible idea but it wasn’t the best one I’d ever heard either. If I was in his shoes I would be hitting up all those buddies of his that were well on their way to populating Denver with the next generation of marked men and women. Hell, his best friend from childhood had recently become a father to an adorable five-year-old, the results of an ill-thought-out one-night stand. Zeb Fuller wasn’t any more prepared for fatherhood than Wheeler seemed to be and yet he’d landed on his feet and found himself a perfect little family with only a few mishaps along the way.
“No … well, kind of … I don’t know. In my head it sounded more reasonable and less crazy than that. What I do know is that I need something in my life to focus on besides the panic and resentment that’s been eating me alive lately. I can give him a good home.”
I looked down at the dog, who was now happily chewing on the dangling end of one of Wheeler’s shoelaces, and sighed. I didn’t want to give him up but the only reason he was here now was because of the man standing in front of me.
I’d spent my entire life trying to make men happy, trying to get them to love me by giving them everything I had. Apparently it was a hard habit to break because even though I didn’t want to, I heard myself begrudgingly tell Wheeler, “Fine. You can have him, but if you get tired of him, or if you think he’s too much to handle and want me to take him back, you have to know that I’ll never forgive you for that. I’ll never forgive myself for trusting you. You can’t do that to him.” Or me, I told him silently. The puppy plopped himself on his butt and looked up at both of us. His head swiveled between the two of us as his tongue lolled out the side of his mouth. I felt my heart squeeze in my chest and tears burned at the back of my eyes. This sucked but I knew it was the right thing to do. I knew all about needing to find something that tethered you to reality. Without it, the past and the possibility of a shattered present could fling you into a really ugly place that was hard to escape from. At the moment I only had one hand out of that particular pit of despair and I was doing my best to pull the rest of my body out with an uncertain grip.
He cocked his head to the side and considered me thoughtfully for a second. Those dimples flashed again and this time I couldn’t contain a sigh. He must have heard it because his lips lifted up and some of that ice that chilled his gaze seemed to thaw.
“I’m not going to get tired of him and you’re not going to miss him because we’re going to share custody of him. I don’t know what to do with a puppy any more than I know what to do with a baby. You’re an expert on the subject seeing as how you work with animals all day long. I figure you can help me train him.” He pointed to where the dog had abandoned his shoelace and was now in the living room sniffing along the edge of the couch like he was looking for a place to go to the bathroom. I gasped and flew out of my chair so I could stop the impending couch ruinage. “Let’s be honest, there is no way I’ll be able to juggle a dog and a newborn. Once Kallie and I figure out some kind of custody arrangement, you can have the dog when I have the baby.”
I put the dog back on the floor in the kitchen just in case he decided he really did have to go. I looked up at Wheeler like he’d lost his mind, because the way he was talking right now I kind of figured he had.
The dimples were back as he shifted position so he was leaning against the counter with his legs stretched out in front of him. “It all makes sense. I knew you weren’t going to want to give the puppy up after I fucked up and I know I’m not ready for all that responsibility on my own. It’s the perfect solution.”
I shook my head at him and threw my hands up in the air. “I think you’re insane.”
He continued to grin at me and I realized belatedly that when I’d moved into the kitchen it put me close enough to him that I could feel the heat his body generated and could see the way his muscles flexed and moved each time he laughed.
“Well, I think you’re pretty but that doesn’t have anything to do with anything. Take me up on my offer, Poppy, please.”
It was the second time he’s brought up the fact that he found me attractive. I used to be, but I’d gone out of my way to be anything except that ever since I was released from the hospital after Oliver died and the police pulled me away from the horrific scene that was our last moments together. How attractive Wheeler found me wasn’t what I should be focused on, and yet I couldn’t stop his words from spinning around in my head or the way they made my heart dip and my breath shudder.
“Fine. I’ll help you with the dog, but once he’s older and you and the baby are settled into a pattern, you have to keep him full-time. Kids need a pet.” Or at least in my experience, they wanted one and were never allowed to have one because their tyrannical father thought they were dirty and unnecessary. I cringed at the memory.
“I can do that.” He stuck out his hand, and before I could think twice about it or recoil at the thought of touching my palm to his, I put my much smaller one in his firm grasp. I let out a little whimper when his fingers closed over mine, too stunned that I was touching another person on purpose to move. “It’s a deal, honey.” His words were quiet and soft. He let go far earlier than I wanted him to but I was still in shock, so I just stood there with my mouth hanging open and my eyes wide as he told me, “He needs a name before I go.”
I took a step back and lifted a hand to my throat. I wanted to get it right, which is why I hadn’t given him a name yet. I didn’t like the pressure of trying to come up with something fitting while Wheeler had those chilly baby blues locked on me. “You pick.”
Slowly his head shook back and forth in the negative. “Nope. You’ve known him longer and spent more time with him. You should get to pick what we call him.”
I looked down at the dog, who was now on his back, all four feet in the air as he wiggled around the floor fueled by nothing more than excitement and joy. I cleared my throat and looked down at my feet. “Happy. We should call him Happy.” I winced as my voice did that thing where it broke in the middle of my words again.
“Happy? Like the guy on Sons of Anarchy? You didn’t strike me as a biker babe, Poppy.”
It was my turn to cock my head in confusion. “What’s a Son of Anarchy?” I didn’t watch much TV. It was all too violent and I’d made the mistake of stumbling onto a Law & Order: SVU marathon on cable a few months ago and ended up curled up in a ball on the couch crying my eyes out because the content hit too close to home. Even something as simple as watching television Oliver had tainted and destroyed.
His eyebrows shot up again and his whole body vibrated as he started to laugh. “Never mind. Why Happy?”
I shrugged, worried that he hated the name and was just being nice. To avoid those prying eyes I crouched down so I could rub the puppy’s pink little belly. “Because he was left at our office, left like he was nothing more than forgotten baggage. He was dropped off by someone that knows how difficult it is to find homes for pits in Denver and that didn’t care that his actions might result in the entire litter having to be put down. None of that matters to Happy. He still wags his tail. He still chases the ball. He gives kisses and isn’t afraid of anyone. He still manages to be happy.” I couldn’t even slightly remember what that felt like but I desperately wanted to.
Wheeler cleared his throat and pushed off the counter. He carefully stepped around me and made his way over to where his thoroughly chewed coat was resting on the back of the couch. At first I thought he hated the name, that he was going to tell me to pick something else. Instead, in that firm tone that never seemed to waver, he told me, “Happy it is. I’ll touch base with you tomorrow so we can set up some kind of schedule. Make yourself dinner and have a good night.” At first I recoiled, thinking he was making a subtle dig about the fact I was noticeably too skinny, but somewhere, some sense of rationality rose up and reminded me sternly that only moments ago he told me he thought I was pretty. I wondered if maybe that girl that hadn’t been broken was somewhere deep down inside of me still.
He flipped the lock on my door before he left and I knew without looking that he was waiting on the other side until he heard that I slid the chain in place and threw the dead bolt before he left. I leaned back against the door and let my head hit the wood with a heavy thud. The newly named Happy trotted over and plopped his fuzzy butt right on my feet as he looked up at me.
I hadn’t had a good night in ages. That being said, this one was as close as I’d gotten in longer than I could remember.
Sighing, I picked up the dog and made my way into the kitchen so I could make myself something to eat.