Poppy
I t was too soon … probably for me and most definitely for him, considering he was all set to marry someone else up until very recently, but that didn’t stop me from blurting out what I really wanted from him.
I didn’t know what it was about this guy that made me do things that were totally outside of my comfort zone. I’d never made the first move in my life. I’d never had to because the few men that had been in and out of my life had targeted me and hunted me like I was easy prey … I was. Too young and naive, too broken and scared, both physically and emotionally. Like the predators they were, they could see my weakness from miles away, so they came to me. They never gave me a chance to decide if they were what I really wanted or not because they moved in for the kill so fast that I was consumed by them. They took me down and left me bleeding before I understood what was happening. There was no time to decide if I wanted those angry kisses and those hard hands on me. There was no room to move if I felt threatened or afraid.
Wheeler was different.
There was no question that I wanted to know what his lips felt like when they landed on mine. I’d never been touched by tattooed, work-roughened hands, and more and more I found myself drifting off wondering what that would feel like. He tore apart things that were battered and beaten down and put them back together so that they were shiny and new. He took something that was worthless and made it priceless. I couldn’t deny that there was a part of me that wanted to know if he could do the same thing with me.
Plus, I wanted a kiss … just one. A single kiss that I wouldn’t regret later on down the road. One I’d asked for. One that was mine. One that wouldn’t make me kick myself and say “I should have known better” because I did know better but I was asking him to kiss me anyways. I wanted a kiss that was given, not taken.
He didn’t touch me even though I’d given him permission to do so.
He let his hands fall from my back, where they had been resting when he hugged me. I got the sense that he didn’t want me to feel trapped, that he wanted me to be able to pull away at any moment if I changed my mind. His silent consideration and unwavering thoughtfulness made me even more certain that I wanted him to close the few inches that separated us. I wouldn’t have asked him to let me go but I realized as he leaned down from his far superior height that I was glad he did. I was the one moving closer. It wasn’t him pulling me. I couldn’t see anything beyond the burning blue of his eyes.
When his lips touched mine I stopped breathing. I barely felt them but I felt the heat they generated all throughout my body. It was a featherlight hint of pressure but the impact almost took me to the ground as my knees started to quiver and shake. I had to put one hand on the center of his chest and the other on the countertop to keep myself from folding and falling to the ground.
He tasted like beer and something else that was infinitely male. He tasted like excitement and fantasy. He tasted forbidden and destined all in the same sweep of my tongue across the barely opened part in his lips. If this was kissing, then I’d been doing it wrong since day one. This felt like being kissed by someone that knew how important it was for a girl to get kissed right. He erased the greedy and selfish lips of the college train wreck and he obliterated the painful, punishing lips of the man that had married me and then done his best to end me.
Wheeler took a step closer, our chests pressed against one another, and instead of feeling crowded or controlled, I wanted to press myself more fully into him. It was the freedom he gave me to get away that kept me moving closer in. I moved the hand that was capturing each beat of his heart up the solid wall of his chest and curled it around the side of his neck. He had a bluebird tattooed there, and with each pulse of his heart it felt like the wings were fluttering delicately under the tips of my fingers as I traced the vein that ran under the inked skin. This was by far the closest I’d willingly been to a man in ages and I didn’t stop to process the fact that I wanted to get even closer.
I leaned all the way into him, forcing him to catch himself on the counter, because even with my mouth hungrily licking and nipping at him, and even with my breasts flattened against the clearly defined muscles of his chest, he didn’t lay a hand on me. He wouldn’t, when I opened my mouth to give his gently seeking tongue access or when I lifted up on my tippy toes so that I could have a better angle to get my hand around the back of his neck so that I could pull him down more fully into the kiss. I wanted to make this moment last forever.
It was sweet. It was hot. It made me forget, for just a second, that I was afraid.
His teeth grazed my bottom lip and I shivered but not because I was scared that he was going to bite. I shivered because that little nip made my heart race and had all the parts of my body that had sworn off men reconsider their vow. My nipples pulled tight and rubbed against the lace of my bra. That spot between my legs that I told myself I was going to pretend didn’t exist after Oliver, reminded me that it was still there and in perfect working order by pulsing quick and hard. The quiet ache made me shift uncomfortably and there was no refuting the fact that being this close to him, having his tongue dance across mine, was making me wet with want.
It was such a foreign feeling. So much stronger and bigger than the innocent desire fostered from believing empty promises and perfect lies that fell out of a pretty and practiced mouth. This was the kind of yearning that had teeth. The kind that sank into your bones and worked its way deep under your skin. This was the kind of longing that could and would push out everything else until it was the only thing left. There was no room for fear or regret because craving and hunger took up all the available space. Instead of being empty, I was full of all the amazing things this man made me feel. My starving soul and hungry heart wanted to be greedy and gluttonous. They wanted to eat him up and go back for more.
He turned his head, slanted his mouth a little, and then moved in deeper and with more determination. His hands stayed firmly at his sides but I still felt like he was touching all over. His breath whispered across my lips, the very tip of his tongue slicked across the seam, and I opened without a second thought.
He didn’t touch me with his hands but his tongue left no damp, slick surface unexplored. He tasted. He teased. He taunted when I asked for more without words. He was gentle but there was no mistaking the fact that he was kissing me in a way that would be remembered. The imprint of his lips on mine, the flavor that was all Wheeler, was going to linger forever on the tip of my tongue. He was everywhere and yet the only places where we were touching were the places where I was clinging to him.
Tongues twisted, teeth clashed, breath mingled, and I was pretty sure his name escaped on a whisper but I was so busy trying to inhale every single second of this moment that I swallowed it and kissed him back like I was ravenous … because I was. This kiss fed something deep inside of me that had never been fed. I didn’t know what it was like to get what I wanted. I didn’t know what it was like to be treated like … to be kissed like … I was something precious and prized. It was all enough to go to my head and make any common sense I had fizzle and wave. It might be too soon but this kiss had me ready to remember what it was like to dream and hope for something and someone special.
I let go of the counter and was lifting up my other hand to touch the side of his face when a loud crash had us both breaking apart. I gasped, he swore, and we both blinked at each other like someone had suddenly turned on the lights in a very dark room. He took a step back as I steadied myself and we both jumped as another crash sounded from the living room. His dark eyebrows shot up as I suddenly bolted into action, barking out, “The dog!” as I ran toward the other room. I heard his heavy footsteps behind me as we raced to see what kind of destruction our lack of attention had caused.
Happy had the entire coffee table knocked over on its side and was eagerly licking up the spilled contents of Wheeler’s abandoned beer. The puppy’s little tail was wagging furiously as he stopped lapping up the mess to look at us, so proud of himself and looking for accolades.
Wheeler groaned and stepped around me to pick up the sturdy little dog. He held the wiggling animal up in front of his face, much like he did the day I first brought him to the garage. “Not cool.” The puppy yipped excitedly and fought to lick Wheeler’s face. “Is the beer bad for him? Do we need to worry about him getting sick or anything?” He bit the words out and his face shifted from post-kiss bliss to something much harder and angrier. His adorable dimples were long gone and that scowl that seemed to have staked claim between his brows was back.
I bent to straighten the coffee table. “How much was left in the bottle?”
Wheeler looked at the now empty bottle on the floor and shifted his gaze back to mine. “Less than half.” He seemed far more upset than a little spilled beer called for as he shifted the puppy in his arms and started to pace back and forth in front of me as he waited for me to answer.
“It should be fine. A little bit of beer isn’t bad for dogs. Just keep an eye on him throughout the night and see if he gets sick or seems to act funny. If he does, text me and I’ll come back over and look at him.”
Wheeler rounded on me, eyes wide and a heated flush working its way up underneath the ink that covered his throat. His sharp cheekbones turned a furious shade of pink as he ground out between gritted teeth, “You can’t leave him here with me. You have to take him.”
The puppy looked up at the man holding on to him like he could sense his mood and the happy, tongue lolling stopped, replaced with a whimper and a full-body shake. I had a similar reaction. I crossed my arms over my chest and told myself not to freak out as the butterflies he woke up in my stomach turned into stone. I’d had my share of men that seemed good only to end up as something beyond bad in my life. I watched them change right before my eyes. I hated to think that Wheeler could be one of them, that I had been so wrong again, but the chill coming from those arctic eyes of his and the way he was looking at me like all he wanted was for me to take the puppy and go had me seriously second-guessing everything I thought I knew about this man.
“No, not tonight. Tonight he’s supposed to stay with you. That’s why I brought him over.” I wasn’t used to saying no, so the words came out far weaker than I intended them to. I knew how important it was to stand my ground now, to make my boundaries clear. So, even though it was hard, I didn’t back down even when he growled at me in frustration.
Wheeler gave his dark head a shake and continued pacing back and forth in front of me. “You can’t leave me alone with this puppy, Poppy.” He stopped in front of me and I realized that the frost coming from his big body wasn’t anger at the mess or the dog but fear. Anger, I had no space for, no tolerance or time for, but fear … that was an old friend and I understood how powerful and consuming it could be. Fear could exclude all else if you let it and I didn’t want that for him. He was wild-eyed and barely containing his panic as his voice shook. “I obviously have no clue what I’m doing. The dog isn’t even here for a few hours and I’m already dropping the ball. What if I get so distracted by my dick that I forget that I’m supposed to be taking care of a baby? Jesus.” He shoved his free hand through his hair. “I’m not ready for this … for any of it.”
The last of his words sliced through my already tender heart like a double-edged knife. I knew he wasn’t ready, that his heartache was still too fresh and new, but having that knowledge validated still hurt.
“Well, I hate to be the bad guy, but you don’t have much of a choice. The puppy needs you and your baby sure as hell is going to need you regardless if you’re ready or not.” I kind of needed him too but I wasn’t sure I was anywhere close to admitting that. “Shoving the responsibility off on someone else isn’t going to help you prepare for everything that’s coming your way, Wheeler.” I tucked some hair behind my ear and reached out to pat the puppy on the head. He whimpered at me and I looked up at Wheeler as he gave me a worried look similar to the one on the puppy’s face. “You can do this, Hudson. I know you can.”
Maybe it was because I used his first name or because I moved my hand from the dog’s head to the center of his chest, but the harsh lines on his face softened and some of the stark terror leaked out of his eyes. He took a shuddering breath and slowly lowered his head so that he was looking at the tips of his boots.
“Sorry for the freak-out. I usually have a better handle on myself than that. Lately, I feel like I’m drowning, and instead of trying to swim for shore, I just keep getting pulled out deeper and deeper.” He did look like a man that was very much adrift, one who was looking for anything that seemed familiar and solid.
Taking a calming breath, I stepped into him and wrapped both him and the now calm puppy in my arms. I hadn’t accepted a hug in forever and it had been twice as long as that since I’d offered one. But this hug felt right. It felt necessary. It felt right. I squeezed him quickly and let him go.
“You might feel like you are flailing but you’re keeping your head above water and that’s all that really matters. I promise I won’t let you sink, even when you want to.” That was a lesson I’d had to learn the hard way. It was difficult to appreciate everyone that was trying to help you when all you wanted to do was wallow in your own misery. I told him the very thing that made me go through with not only showing up at his house tonight but also asking for that kiss. “You will figure all of this out, one step at a time.” I didn’t tell him some days were going to seem impossible because those days always passed. I cleared my throat and made my way over to where my coat was thrown on the back of the couch that was most definitely not meant for a guy like Wheeler. “Thanks for dinner. Next time we get together, we’ll actually work on improving the dog’s behavior instead of ours.”
He didn’t say anything but he did make a strangled noise that might have been a laugh had the circumstances been different. I was at the door ready to let myself back into the real world when he stopped me by saying my name softly. I looked at him over my shoulder and felt my heart turn itself inside out.
The man and the dog, both looking lost and a little bit scared, made me want to take my coat off, put my purse down, and agree to stay so I could hold both of them. They needed to figure this out on their own and Wheeler really needed the time to see that there was no perfect way to be a puppy parent or a people parent. He was going to have to find the way that worked best for him.
He lifted his hand and rubbed the pad of his thumb across the curve of his bottom lip. I watched in mute fascination as his tongue shot out and followed the same trail, almost like he was trying to find any part of our kiss that might be lingering there. The motion made my thighs quiver and had all the air in my lungs whooshing out.
“When I said I wasn’t ready, I didn’t mean I wasn’t ready for you, honey.” Inadvertently my gaze slid across the front of him and landed on the very obvious bulge in the front of his jeans. He chuckled and shook his head at me, his voice deep and rough when he told me, “That’s not what I meant. Any straight guy with working equipment would be ready for you at the drop of a hat if it was only about sex. I’m ready for more than that.”
The butterflies woke back up and they didn’t just flutter, they did the damn electric slide across one side of my belly to the other. He sounded so sure, but with everything else he was dealing with, I didn’t know how he could be. I refused to be one of the weights that was tied around his waist dragging him down under the surface of that dark and murky water he was treading. Besides, I didn’t know that I had more to give to anyone, even myself. Most of the time I felt like I was hollowed out and empty. Half the time I was getting by on the bare minimum. I couldn’t afford to give what I had left to someone else, even if that someone made me act like a girl who had never been broken, a girl that didn’t have anything to fear.
“You only recently got out of a long-term relationship that had a very complicated ending. The last thing you need is to start another one that has a nearly impossible beginning.”
I was out the door and headed toward my car when he called my name once again. I told myself to keep going but my feet stopped moving of their own accord and once again I was looking over my shoulder at him. He was standing in the doorway, shoulder braced against the side, arm above his head with the puppy still in his grasp. I needed to memorize every single thing about that image because it was one that communicated very clearly that while my mind might not be ready for whatever it was he was offering, my body sure as hell was. My heart was caught somewhere in the middle of the two. Never had a game of tug-of-war been so complicated.
“I saw you, Poppy. When I had no right and no reason to be looking, I saw you.” The words hung between us as I paused by the car and stared up at him. “I saw how sad you were, how afraid you were. I saw how angry and alone you were. I saw how desperate you were to hide.” I shivered and opened my mouth to respond but no words came out. It didn’t matter because he kept going. “All those things that you think make this something that is impossible to start, I saw them long before you saw me and I still couldn’t look away.” He tilted his chin up in that badass way guys had and pushed off the doorframe. “Shoot me a text when you get home so I know that you’re safe. I’ll call you if Happy needs you.” Not if he needed me, but if the dog did.
He was gone from sight by the time I got myself into the car and buckled in. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see straight. I sure as hell couldn’t drive, so I sat there in front of his house for a solid twenty minutes while I struggled to get myself under control.
There was no seeking approval and begging for forgiveness because there was no hiding the faults in the dark. He had already seen them all and he kissed me anyways. Because I wanted him to and he wanted me to have what I wanted.
With shaking hands, I started the car and managed to make my way home. I even managed to send the ordered text message to let him know I was safe and sound. He sent back a simple k that I stared at for far longer than I’d like to admit. Rowdy often texted to check up on me and to make sure I hadn’t retreated back into the void, but I’d never had a man whose lips had touched mine, who told me he saw me and was ready for me, bother to keep tabs on me. In fact, it was usually the men I was intimate with that I needed protecting from. Everything with Wheeler was so new, and that made it all the more confusing.
Still holding my phone, I called my sister before I realized my finger touched her name. She picked up on the first ring and I wasn’t surprised that she sounded overjoyed to hear from me. I’d put Salem through the wringer over the last few years, but each day I got closer to closing that gap I’d allowed the men in my life to wedge between us. At the time I didn’t realize isolating me from the person that loved me the most was a way for them to maintain control but I saw it so clearly now.
After returning her greeting, I blurted out, “I asked Wheeler to kiss me tonight” with no preamble or warning.
She gasped and I heard something clatter. I realized it was the phone a second later as she screamed, “Oh my God,” but the sound was muffled and sounded like it was coming from miles away.
“You kissed, Wheeler, as in the guy who just canceled his wedding to a raging she-beast?”
Her voice was shrill, so I had to hold the phone away from my ear. “Um … yeah.”
She let out a breath and I could picture her chewing on her lip and pacing in circles as she continued to fire off questions. “When did you start seeing him? How long has this been going on? Are you ready to date? You know he has a baby on the way with his ex, right?” She took a breath and let it out slowly. “Are you okay?”
I shook my arms free from my jacket and let it fall in the center of the floor. Tonight was the kind of night that made me wish I drank. I didn’t touch anything that had the ability to lower my defenses or inhibitions. I’d done a good job of being an easy target most of my life, and I learned early on to avoid anything that made going in for the kill easier. I threw myself on my couch and stared unseeingly at my ugly popcorn ceiling.
“I’m fine, or I will be.” That was the mantra that kept me going when giving up felt a million times easier.
She sighed and her voice was breathless with something I hadn’t heard her direct toward me in a very long time … hope. “You wanted him to kiss you?”
Grouchily I snapped, “Yes. That’s why I feel like I’m losing my mind. I haven’t wanted anything to do with anyone in months and months and the first guy I find myself attracted to is in the middle of a horrible breakup and impending fatherhood. When am I going to learn?” She laughed a little, which made me even more annoyed. “I don’t see what’s funny about this situation, Salem.”
She paused and when she spoke her voice was thick with emotion. “I’m laughing so I don’t cry.” She exhaled heavily and I was the one fighting back tears when she told me, “You’ve never let me in before when you were tangled up with a guy. I always felt like you didn’t trust me to know what was going on in your love life because I left. I let you down and you couldn’t let me in. I’m sorry that you’re freaking out right now, but honestly I’ve been waiting for this phone call since I was eighteen and put Texas in my rearview mirror. I missed so much, Poppy. You have no idea what it means to me that you are giving this to me now.” No amount of laughter could hide the fact that she was crying uncontrollably. She was pregnant but her words made me doubt hormones were the sole reason behind her outburst.
I sniffled a little and used the tips of my fingers to brush away the few stray tears that managed to escape the prison of my tightly closed lashes. “He’s nothing like anyone I’ve ever known.”
She made a considering noise and there was a smile in her voice when she asked, “Is that so?”
I sighed. “It scares me because my heart has been wrong before.”
She snorted and her tone was sharp when she told me, “No, your heart was listening to what someone else was telling it to do. This is the first time it’s been able to speak for itself. Listen to it, little sister.”
“I’m afraid of what it might have to say, Salem.” My voice shook and so did my hands.
“That’s how you know the message is important, Poppy.”
There wasn’t much to say after that, so I told her good-bye, promised to set aside a weekend afternoon for her so we could get together, and hung up.
She was right that the message might be important, I just wasn’t sure I was in the right place to hear it.