Silence penetrates the thick wood dividing me from them—the Kingwoods. I steady myself, my hand against the wall.

“You did well.”

I feel dirty.

I feel used.

I feel . . . I’m not sure what I feel. Was it a plot, a ploy all along to lure me in and then what? What was the plan for me? Pushing off the wall, I shouldn’t have been eavesdropping, even if they were talking about me. My feet are moving. I need to get out of here, get air that’s not polluted with their contemptuous secrets and destructive lies. What did Mr. Kingwood mean? Alexander warned me—he said I fell into his father’s trap. Did I? Were they in this together? That has to be one of the most ridiculous thoughts I’ve ever had. Surely. Three years is a long time to play some sort of game. There has to be a logical explanation, but I’m just hurting and need to clear my head. I hate that I don’t really know where I stand.

Weaving back through the party, I restrain my emotions, something I should have done years ago. Just as I pass the staircase, I’m grabbed, hand over mouth, and swung around into a dark corner. I know who it is without seeing him. I know the feel of his body against mine, his scent as it fills my lungs, the taste of his skin against my lips, and his voice as he whispers, “So beautifully stubborn.”

“Let go of me.”

“No.”

“Damn you.”

“I was damned the day I was born.”

“This isn’t funny, Alexander. Let go of me.”

“We should talk.”

“Go talk to your girlfriend outside.”

The laughter bellows deep and loud, echoing unabashedly. “Like I said, we should talk.” Alexander whips in front of me, leans down until he’s eye level, and says, “Let’s go to my bedroom.”

My body battles between the adrenaline I’m feeling and the heartbreak from overhearing a conversation I was never supposed to hear. “A few minutes ago, you told me to leave and never come back. Now you want me to go to your room to talk? Which is it, Alexander?”

Taking my hand and holding it so tight I can’t free myself, he starts walking with a cocky smirk set on his face.

I tug. “Let go of me, Alexander.”

“No. We’re going upstairs, and we’re going to settle this once and for all.”

“Once and for all?”

He stops, narrowed eyes landing hard on my saddened blues. “Yes.” After taking a breath and releasing it harshly through the air above us, he swallows and shakes his head.

I’ve loved this man for years. I’ve loved him since before he was a man. “Fine. Let’s talk.”

As we wind around back into the party, Alexander raises his chin acknowledging some man and smiling at some woman. I want to claw my way out of this party and hide under my covers. It was warm and cozy there, made me feel safe. The opposite of how I feel here. When we reach his room, the door is shut behind me and we still to the spots where we stand. “You’ve told me to leave countless times over the years, but when I do, you want me to stay. I don’t know what you want from me. I don’t even know what I want anymore, except for the pain of doubt to go away.”

He’s quick and comes to me. Touching my cheek with his free hand, I don’t flinch like I should, like my better judgment tells me to. I turn into it involuntarily as if my fate was sealed long before now. “I want you, Firefly.” The struggles of his heart capture his expression and the different emotions flicker across his handsome face.

“This isn’t healthy for us,” I reply on broken emotions.

“I know I told you to leave and never come back, but I can’t let you go.” Shame falls over him and fills his tall frame. “I haven’t cheated on you, but I tried. I tried to destroy us—”

It’s not tears that come, but a shiver surging my spine, my hands turning to ice. “You tried to destroy us? You tried to cheat on me? What have you done, Alexander?”

“Nothing. I failed. I’ve failed you, and I’ve made that monster proud. Can’t you see I will never be good for you?”

“We move in circles—”

“No. We move in figure eights.”

“Infinite,” I whisper, looking away.

When I tilt my head up, he says, “I can’t let you go. The minute you showed up tonight, our fate was sealed.”

“You can’t stop me.”

“I’ll try.”

“Like you tried to cheat?”

“I’ll succeed this time in stopping you.” His voice is eerily calm, his gaze fixed on me.

A matching glare is sent right back. “I can’t take anymore.”

“I can’t live without you.” His expression wrinkles in confusion. “I would never hurt you, Sara Jane. I’m fucking everything up. I need time to sort through this shit. About the company. About the future. About every fucking thing.”

“I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t think I even know you anymore.” I sniffle, hating that damn weakness showing up before I have time to hide it. “I just want to go home.”

“I said I would stop you, hoping that was enough to keep you here.” Stepping to the side, he adds, “I know it’s not. Firefly, I don’t want you to go. But if you stay, you have to trust me until it’s safe for me to give you everything you need.”

“Trust you?” My eyebrows shoot straight up. “You told me it was wrong to come tonight. I still don’t know why. I heard what your father said. He said you did well. I’ve been a pawn in your wicked game.”

His eyes tighten closed and his hands go to his side. Stepping away from me, he says, “I—” He stops, the words appearing to break him, harm him in ways that make his shoulders sag as he looks down. All it takes is a moment—to process what’s happening, the fact that he’s losing me. Resiliency surges when his eyes meet mine again, a passion burns inside like the day I met him. “You haven’t been a pawn. Not to me. If you stay, I’ll love you until my dying day.”

My heart is conflicted. I know he loves me, and that is the balm that coats the inside and heals the wounds. I just wish I knew what was really going on. “You say that as if you can keep that promise.”

“I can.”

“You say that now.”

“I say that always. Today. Tomorrow. Now and forever.” He’s said that before, but tonight . . .

His struggle to touch me comes in the form of shaking hands that fist tight. His head falls down, his eyes closing. I want to help him. I want to heal him, but I stay. “I don’t know what to think, Alexander. I don’t know what to believe.”

“Don’t believe what you heard, what you’ve seen, or what you think. Believe in me.”

“How?” I whisper. “You haven’t been yourself for a while and then when I heard you talking . . . Why would your father say that about me?”

“He thinks you can be useful to him, but you’ve got to understand, I would never let that happen. I would never let him take advantage of you.”

“I need you to be more than some guard against your dad—”

“He’s not my dad. He’s my father. There’s a difference.” He sags against the door, his fight leaving his body. “I’ll be whatever you need me to be, baby.”

“How about honest?”

It’s small, but it’s full of pride and love when he smiles. “Always so damn feisty.”

“I’m serious, Alexander. He said you did well in reference to me. What did he mean?”

The smile is wiped clean from his expression, and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m holding him accountable or because I’ve brought the conversation back to his father. Maybe both. “I told him not to speak of you again.”

“What is going on?” I move closer, hoping my plea can be seen as easily as it’s heard. He licks the corner of his mouth, the heaviness returning, so I say, “Please. With love comes trust. I will never betray you. I swear on my life. You say you’ll love me until your dying day, now trust me the same.”

“I do.” I move closer to him, bridging our troubled waters. Reaching for my hand, he takes it. “It was never about a lack of trust in you, Sara Jane. Please believe me. I never wanted to place my burdens on you. Your heart is too big and you would try to fix something you can’t. You try to fix me, and you can’t. But if you know that, you’ll leave, and I never wanted to lose you. I’m sorry.”

“I would try to help you because I love you. Don’t you know how helpless I feel when I see you in pain and don’t even know what causes it?”

“You know already.”

“Your mother’s death.”

He nods. “I think Kingwood Enterprises is involved.”

The weight of this bombshell drops my mouth open. “Oh my God, Alexander. Your father?”

“I’m not sure about my father. My mother was his reason for living. Her death destroyed him. He was always cold, but her death turned him to ice.”

“Then why do you think the company is involved?”

“Cruise and I found a lead a year ago that we followed into the district along the river. Two drug dealers were selling to two Kingwood corporate execs. Beyond the problem that we had execs strung out, they were blackmailed into dealing inside their division of the company or risk being exposed.”

“What happened?”

“The execs were fired and the dealers . . . we’ve made a few enemies in the search for my mother’s killer. They plea-bargained their way out of a sentence after we tipped off the cops anonymously. They know who I am. They know I’m involved. They took a deferred sentence in lieu of community service and rehab.”

My fingers drag into my hair in shock. “What are you talking about? Are you involved in a drug ring?”

“I’m not using, and I’m not selling, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“But you’re involved?” I turn around and close my eyes, hoping this nightmare will go away. Unfortunately I only find the darkness behind my lids, the same as when they’re open. I tug my bottom lip under my teeth. My thoughts are rampant, unsettling at best. “What have you done? What have you done to us?”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s too late for that. You’re in danger. That’s what you’re telling me, right?”

“You’re in danger, Firefly.”

Me? I rub my temples and across my closed eyes willing the tears to stay pocketed away. Turning around, I ask, “Is that everything?”

“Last week, one of the execs got out. Cruise contacted him and learned new information.”

“About your mother or the company?”

“My mother. He told Cruise he had come across a woman a few times down in the Lower Banks district.”

As much as I don’t want him involved in anything illegal or worse, something that could get him hurt or killed, I now know the truth. He’s not going to give this search up until he has the answers he wants. “And?”

“She was mumbling my father’s name and crying. She was also high as a fucking kite and the last thing she said before passing out was Madeline Kingwood.”

“Why would she say your mother’s name?”

“That’s what I need to find out.”

My body bristles. “No, you can’t do this. Alexander, you and Cruise are not the police, and it’s not safe.” I sigh. I can see the resolve in his eyes. His mind is already made up. “Why would he tell you this? I have a feeling it’s not out of the kindness of his heart.”

“Money. It always comes back to money. If his information pans out, I’ll give him ten thousand.”

“There’s nothing worse than a person with money and a vendetta.”

“Actually, there are lots of things that are worse than being rich.”

“You can’t justify this vigilante behavior to me. You’re going to get yourself killed and where does that leave me? Alone and broken-hearted. That’s where.”

His eyes shift past me. “This is why I tried to protect you.”

“You mean keep it from me. Don’t be like your father. You’re better than him, Alexander. You’re better.”

“I never promised it would be pretty or normal. I can’t give you that ‘normal’ you want so badly. I can’t give that to you. I can’t even promise you tomorrow.”

“You’re scaring me.”

“That’s why I told you to walk away. To leave me.”

“You say that as if I can, as if I could ever walk away from you. I didn’t the day I met you, and now I’m three lifetimes buried in too deep.” I go to him, not able to keep from touching him any longer.

“I’m a selfish bastard when you deserve a generous soul.”

“You are my soul.”

Fingers tentatively touch, his hold tightening around me with each passing second that ticks like hours. “I’ll never be that guy who works a nine-to-five and home for dinner by six. Kids. God, Firefly, I’d suck at being a dad. I’m so fucking screwed up. I’m willing to put my life at risk. I’ve put yours at risk to settle the anger inside me, an anger that may never subside. But most of all, I worry I’m like my father. You deserve better.”

Cupping his face, I force him to look at me. “But what if you’re like your mother? What if I can love you enough to make you forget the anger? What if you can sleep through the night, wake up to me every morning? What if you’re the only one I want to be with?”

“Then I’m sorry I ever looked your way. I’m sorry for following you and parking, for making you cross paths with me, for kissing you that first time and not being able to stop myself every time after. I’m sorry I fell in love with you, but I’m more sorry that you fell in love with me, because there’s no happy ending to this fairy tale. There’s only a means to an end. When that ending comes, you’ll be the only one I’ll ever regret meeting.”

“Don’t say that, Alexander.” His words cut deep, tears falling from my eyes.

“It’s true. Without me following my heart, my stupid fucking emotions that day, you could have had a happy life. But you see, I’m a Kingwood through and through, and being a Kingwood means I’m a bastard bent on going to hell and you’re going to pay the price for it.”

The side he’s been hiding from me was always there, our world revolving around it when my eyes were closed. I didn’t need to fix him. He’s not broken in ways that need bandages. But with my eyes wide open, I know what I need to do. I need to love him. Fully. Without reservation or judgment. I need to accept what he’s shown me, what he’s tried to tell me all along.

I am strong.

I am strong enough to love him.

And I will as if I was born for the job.

Looking at him—his jaw tense, his eyes grayer in his honesty, his heart exposed to me in ways that scare him. He’s stunning in his agony, beautiful in his strength, and confident in his love for me. This is the man I fell in love with. Knowing if I go now and leave, this lion of a man would be brought to his knees—the power is intoxicating. This is what he’s trained me for—to be the woman strong enough to love him.

“Our relationship may not have been the easiest route to take in life, but it’s the only one worth traveling. So bring on your darkness, weigh me down with your burdens, but don’t assume I’m that same little girl you met years ago. I’m a woman, and I can handle the truth. I can handle your secrets and I’ll keep them safe, but if you lie to me, you’ll be the one paying the price.”

A brighter blue returns when a spark of light reflects in his eyes. A lustful smile rolls across his lips, and he leans forward. “Do you know how amazing you are?”

His gravitational pull draws me in. I move closer, brushing my lips against his but not kissing them. My tongue dips out, and I run it along the light stubble that dusts his jaw. When I reach his ear, I tug his earlobe between my teeth and bite just hard enough to elicit a reaction. “We’re more amazing together.”

His breathing deepens, his fingers flexing around my hip. “Don’t tease, Firefly.”

“I never tease.” I slip out of his reach and walk to the couch, putting distance between us. “I can’t live in a web of lies. I’ll only stay on one condition.”

With eyebrows raised, his gaze softens in curiosity. “From tears to negotiations. You’re not that little girl anymore. You grew up when I wasn’t looking.”

“Should have paid more attention.”

“I guess so.” His lips quirk up on the right side. “What is your condition?”

I lean back and rest on the arm of the couch. “If you confide in anyone, you confide in me. If you make a major decision, you discuss it with me first. I’m in this relationship, but I’ll only stay if I’m an equal in your eyes.”

“Will you never understand? You were never an equal. You have always been more. You are everything.” Walking to me, he settles between my legs, his hands rubbing the outside of my thighs. “After all we’ve been through, you’re choosing to stay. Why?”

I slide my hands around his middle and pull him closer. “Because you’re a part of me, and I’m a part of you. There’s not one without the other.”

Kneeling before me, the hem of my dress slides up. He pushes my legs apart and kisses my inner thighs. “Say it again.”

Hot air coats me, and I repeat, “You’re a part of me, and I’m a part you. There’s no me without you and no you without me. There never will be.” My head falls back and my eyes fall closed. My breath deepens and my chest rises. “Bring on your troubles and lay your darkness down. I’ll take it all if it means I get you.”

“You have me, Firefly. You will always have me.”

Because, love is risky.

And it’s worth it.