Ben Edwards

Grace was gone and Ben became a shell of the man he used to be.

Looking . . .

He kept his phone by his side twenty-four/seven.

No one received a letter.

The local post office requested he leave more than once.

No one found out what happened.

He never found the peace associated with acceptance. After being told to sit tight for the most painful forty-eight hours of his life, he couldn’t wait any longer and went to Chicago. He refused to give her up without a full-fledged fight. There was no way she disappeared without any witnesses. He would find them. If it took years, he would find her. Ben filed a missing person report as soon as he landed. He prayed she was alive. Praying was something he didn’t do much, but he did then.

He doesn’t anymore.

That went to the wayside along with hope over the course of three years. Grief didn’t strike once. It devastated your heart and your hope over and over again, beating it down until nothing remained of it. Not even yourself.

Ben spent days in the waiting room of every hospital in Chicago as nurses searched their records. He was told the same thing as if on repeat, “I’m sorry, sir. There are no records of a Grace Elizabeth Stevens having ever been admitted.” No records of a Jane Doe. Nothing. The phrase was always followed by a sympathetic smile.

Chicago Memorial was the last hospital he visited. He was exhausted from the tireless searching, weary from the lack of sleep, and emotionally broken by that point. By the end of the first week of her disappearance, the cops told him to consider the options, options he denied in his mind.

Nope, he would not consider them. It didn’t matter that the police were investigating him as a suspect, or that they asked about their home life as if it was anything less than everything he dreamed it had been. “Mr. Edwards, have you considered that she left on her own accord and doesn’t wish to be found?”

“She wouldn’t leave me.”

“But she migh—”

“No. We’re getting married in a month.”

“Are you sure?” the officer asked carefully while studying Ben.

His eyes flashed to the officer’s. “This isn’t in my head. We had a good life.” Ben closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose. When he looked up, he said, “We have a life. Even if she wanted to leave me, Grace wouldn’t leave her family. They were very close. There’s no way she could do this without Emily knowing.”

“Who is Emily?”

“My sister, and Grace’s best friend. We grew up together.”

“Ah. Okay. Look, Mr. Edwards. I know this is hard, but I have to be honest. Most of these cases . . . the signs were there, but we’re too blind to see them. Maybe she wasn’t happy and moved on,” he went on without regard to Ben’s breaking heart.

“Not my Grace.” It was a fight. Nothing more. “She wouldn’t leave me alone, not like this.”

Overworked.

Stressed from the wedding planning.

Not enough time together.

A stupid fight.

They were always quick to make up. Nothing was left hanging over their hearts for long. Nothing had been . . . except her disappearance.

Stopping in the middle of the sidewalk in front of a building he’d had a hand in designing, Ben never accepted the theories that his Grace no longer graced his world. No, he couldn’t.

He wouldn’t.

Ben was standing downtown lost in the memories when he should have been texting Rebecca. He met Rebecca while searching for Grace. He couldn’t bear for someone else he loved to call him Ben, so Rebecca called him Benjamin. She didn’t ask much of him, but he rescheduled the client meeting, which would free him to attend her awards dinner. It was an important night for her. Not only would various medical achievements in Chicago be recognized, but they’d also have the chance to schmooze with the on-staff doctors and attempt to secure a permanent position.

Rebecca was nominated in the impressive “Leaders In Residence” category, which meant an official job offer after her stint at University if she won. During the last nine months they’d been together, she’d worked hard to earn a place at the hospital, while simultaneously trying to win Ben’s heart. She’d stuck with him through dark months of his attempts to let go of something that had moored him for so many years. His life with Grace. He and Grace had been friends for four years, dated for seven, and engaged for almost two. Without Grace, he’d buried himself in work, which earned him three promotions.

He had money.

He had success.

He didn’t have Grace.

He had Rebecca.

She never once complained about his work schedule, maybe because she also had a busy schedule. She attended his holiday party and executive dinners, and she never insisted on staying at his place when she wasn’t asked. It was an understanding they had, although she wasn’t happy about it. She didn’t push though, which he appreciated. She remained patient, his amiable companion. She knew about Grace and the hole her loss had chiseled in his heart. They didn’t fight. He wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or bad though, but now, it was time he was there for her.

Looking up from the phone briefly before typing out the text, his gaze landed on a woman not ten feet from him. The sidewalk was crowded, people passing between them. He saw her though. She appeared like a ghost from years past, and in a blink, she had disappeared, lost in the bustling crowd.

He could swear on his life he’d seen her. But his body was sluggish, stunned even, so he stood there turning in a slow circle looking to where she could have vanished. Desperate, he looked for the angelic face framed by the long dark hair that he remembered so well. But, like a flash of lightning, she was gone. Without a trace. Again? How was that possible?

He struggled to move, willing images of her to help him, to soothe him, to guide him back to reality.

His phone rang and without thinking, he answered, “Hello.”

“Hey, honey, you were supposed to get back to me earlier in case I needed to change my RSVP.” Rebecca. Always cheerful. He could feel her smile through the phone. Did it ever frustrate her that sometimes their calls only consisted of appointment reminders?

“Oh, um . . .” He couldn’t find the words he needed, not presently in the conversation. Grace. Grace was all he could think about. He started running in the direction he had seen her.

“Benjamin?”

The call became an afterthought as he ran, not thinking about anything but his Grace, focused on finding her again. He couldn’t let her get away, not this time. If it was her, he had to find her. He had to try. He stopped at the exact spot where he originally saw her walking, but it was a corner where she could’ve easily gone in any one of four directions. He ran one block up and searched. Picking up his pace and using all his strength, he ran in the opposite direction. After covering the cross street, he fell to his knees, winded and heartbroken all over again. His hands squeezed at the cramps piercing his side as tears stung his eyes.

Life tortured his battered soul relentlessly. Every time he thought he could move on, he was dragged back into the hell of his past. His delusions of seeing her had gotten the best of him too many times. As he bent forward, his breathing came in gasps, needing air. He wasn’t out of breath. He was out of hope. He wanted the nightmare to end. He looked around one last time, realizing if she had been real, he’d lost her. Again.

Ambling to his feet, he staggered to the closest brick wall, using it for support. His phone rang, bringing him back into the present. “This is my existence. This is my life now,” he said quietly to himself, reminding himself to find acceptance with reality. Grace was gone.

Grace was gone.

He reached into his pocket to grab the phone, but before he had a chance to say anything, he realized the call had been accidentally answered and heard, “Benjamin? Benjamin, what are you doing? Did you hang up on me?”

After exhaling a deep breath, he started to explain, “I’m sorry, Rebecca . . . I had . . . I saw . . . I thought—”

“Are you okay? I was worried. Why didn’t you answer my calls?”

“Your calls?”

“I called you back three times.”

“Oh . . .” He couldn’t tell her he was running down the street, looking for a ghost who’d disappeared off the face of the earth three long years ago. Ben knew that would upset her, and he’d never intentionally hurt her. He gave her the news she’d been hoping for. “I can go to the awards dinner. I rearranged some stuff to make it work.”

“Really? You’re coming?”

“Yes, I’m looking forward to it.” Trying to act normal, he felt anything but that right then. He was still winded and couldn’t stop scanning his surroundings, just in case.

Rebecca was called to an emergency, and Ben walked home in a daze, his mind disappearing into what could have happened three years ago. Without any answers or clues, he couldn’t heal much less ever move on, despite wishing he could put it all behind him. His family told him he was too young to waste his life searching for someone that was gone forever. Grace’s family had said the same. It pained them to do so, but they did. Ben knew it was for his benefit, and they only wanted something good to come from this tragedy, but how do you forget about a heart that once beat so loudly? Most days his chest felt vacant, but sometimes, like today, it thrummed, giving him a taste of what it once was and what could have been.

As soon as he entered his apartment, every emotion he’d buried came rushing back. Here, in the solace of this place, he could peel the layers of lies away and be who he felt on the inside. Here, he could break down or feed the beast that craved more memories of the past. Here, he could mourn and grieve.

Sitting at the computer, he pulled up the file labeled “Grace” and stared. Tonight he would indulge the cravings never truly satisfied. He would give in because when he had episodes of hope tease him, he was too weak to stay away. Reaching up, he touched the screen as if touching her face again.

The photo was his favorite, his Achilles heel. Grace had never been more beautiful than the day they got engaged. Her smile lived in her eyes, love rested on her lips, waiting to give it away. Ben used to drink her up, savor her laughter, and wrap his body around hers to lose himself, entangling his soul with hers.

“Fuck.” His head dropped in shame, his chin hitting his chest. The same questions still plagued him years later—What happened to her and why couldn’t I save her?

Clicking to the next photo, he stared at the picture of the two of them on her twenty-first birthday. He towered over her by then. Caught on camera looking at each other and laughing, living in the moment—he loved this photo too. It could be said, he loved every photo he had of her and had memorized every detail. The evening drifted away as he got lost in a life that had become his past. His torture.

“Benjamin?” Rebecca’s voice came from behind.

Quickly hitting the escape button, he tried to cover what he was doing. As casually as he could, he responded, “Hey there.”

He smiled while walking over to her, hoping to redirect her attention from the computer screen. He didn’t like worrying her and could tell by her tone she was. She deserved so much better than him. Despite his gratefulness, he wasn’t sure why she stayed with him. He could only ever give her half the man he was. She had more access to his apartment than to his heart. The key to the apartment was a consolation prize, a distraction to a conversation she wanted to have about his real feelings, a drunken discussion that had become sexual. He’d thought he was ready for something physical, ready for a connection with someone again. He hadn’t been and the key to his place was offered. The key to his heart would forever remain locked, as half his soul was missing with Grace.

Reaching up, she rubbed his shoulders, easing the tension collected in his muscles. “Are you all right? You had me worried earlier.” Her eyes flickered to the desk where the computer was. “And now.” Concern coated each word.

Months ago, he had reassured her that he had stopped looking at those photos, and had promised to put more effort into their relationship. He thought they had made progress as a couple, but something inside him never allowed him to stop looking, to stop thinking about his missing fiancée. He couldn’t let Grace go. He knew Rebecca would be disappointed and hurt, catching him doing this again, so he tried to cover his actions by pulling her into a hug. “I’m good. Are you off for the night?”

“Yes,” she replied dubiously.

From her one-word answer, he knew she was mad. After a sweet kiss to the cheek, he tried to sway her mood. “You want to grab something to eat?”

“Sure.” The word was tainted in uncertainty, maybe more in disbelief.

He had to be better. Ben had to try harder. “I’ll just change out of my work clothes.” He walked into the bedroom and closed the door. Leaning against it, he closed his eyes and vowed to end this insanity.

Once and for all.

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