Chapter Twenty-Nine
Matthew
Wednesday Moring
This time as I woke up, I was pleased to find Ashlee still there, in my arms. I wasn't sure why, but a big part of me had expected her to race off again, so it was good to feel her warmth, her presence still there. I grinned to myself, running my fingers through her hair as an old, unexpected memory flowed through my mind.
Ashlee had just turned seventeen when I finally got her out on the fishing boat. She’d never wanted to go before, not with her father or me, but I got the impression that she saw it as a way for us to get some much needed time alone. I only suggested it in passing, and I was shocked to hear her say yes.
“It’s cold,” she whined jokingly. “I didn’t realize it was going to be like this.”
“What? You didn’t think that it would be cold out on the water?” I laughed loudly, bringing her in for a hug. “Don’t worry; things will start heating up when you make your first catch.”
She sent me a look, one that suggested that she didn’t believe me, which had me chuckling all over again. We’d been together for a while at that point, and I couldn't believe how much I still liked her, how much she still gave me butterflies. It was almost unbelievable. I’d seen all my friends blow through girlfriends like nobody’s business, but I had no desire to do that. I’d only ever wanted one person, and that wasn't changing.
“Are you having fun yet?” I teased, seeing the boredom already creeping up into her face. “Isn’t this the best thing ever?”
“Urgh, I honestly don't know how you and Dad do this for a whole day! Doesn’t it drive you crazy?”
“Honestly, no, the open air, the ocean, the calm... I think it’s great.”
With that, I pulled her face closer to mine, and I gave her a deep and passionate kiss. I hoped that would be the thing to bring her around to fishing, and from the way she responded enthusiastically, I felt like I was getting through to her.
In that moment, I decided to finally confess the feelings I’d been experiencing for a very long time. I’d known for a while that I was in love with Ashlee, but I hadn’t wanted to say it. I felt like it was a word our classmates flung around all the time, to many different people, without thinking of the consequences, and I didn’t want us to be the same.
But now it was time.
My heart raced in my chest as I tried to picture myself saying it, and I grew so nervous that I almost managed to talk myself out of it.
“I love you.”
What the hell? She managed to get in there first! I was trying so hard to think of the best way to say it that I did it too late. I was totally shocked, but at the same time, I was grateful that she felt the same way. At least we had that.
“I love you, too,” I grinned, pulling her back to me. “You’re incredible, and I think that I’ve loved you for a very long time.”
“Let’s always be together,” she pleaded with me, as we kissed a little more. “I never want to be with anyone but you. You’re my future husband, and that’s all I really care about.”
To a young man, the thought of that commitment should have been terrifying, but I didn’t think it was at all. Her feelings matched mine, her dreams and aspirations matched mine: we were meant to be.
“Let’s get married now,” I joked, making her giggle like crazy. “Let’s just run away and live in a cave somewhere. We only need us.”
“How are you going to be a freaking doctor in a cave?” she shoved me playfully back. “I thought that you wanted to save the world.”
“Can’t I do both?” I pouted, before sending her a grin. “Okay, I won’t marry you tomorrow, but I will make you my wife someday.”
And in that moment, I knew that I would. I didn’t think anything would ever be able to stand in my way.
That moment on the fishing boat, when we first declared our love for one another, had been a long time coming. I certainly didn’t want the next one to be as long. I wanted to get there much quicker, but I also didn’t want to push things. This time, we both needed to be cautious for different reasons. I might not have been experiencing any uncertainty anymore, but I was still aware that we had obstacles to overcome.
“Hey, Ashlee,” I whispered, shaking her lightly. “Ashlee, are you awake?”
“Hngrh,” she gurgled back, slowly starting to stir. I glanced down at her face as she shifted her body, admiring her beauty even first thing in the morning. I wasn't used to seeing the women I slept with in the morning, so it was a novel experience, but I already knew that it would be different than with anyone else in the world. “Yeah, I’m awake.”
“Do you want breakfast?” I asked, smiling to myself. She might have been suggesting that she was awake, but her eyes were firmly fixed in a closed position, which told me that she was about to drift back off into slumber.
“Please,” she barely mumbled, which was enough to have me heading to the kitchen.
As I made her breakfast, wearing only my apron, the memory of the previous night flew through my mind once more. I’d intended to take things slowly, to really explore her body, which I feel like I’d achieved a little bit...but I still got carried away.
Never mind, I was certain that we’d be in that position again. I felt like our feelings were strong enough now to hold us together no matter what the future threw at us.
By the time I walked back into the bedroom, still only wearing the apron, Ashlee was a little more awake. She was sitting upright in the bed with only the sheet wrapped around her, her hair spilling down her back, looking sexier than ever.
“Well, good morning, sleepy head,” I teased. “It’s nice to see you finally awake.”
“Oh, shut up,” she laughed. “What did you make me to eat?”
As I spun around to give her a glimpse of my naked butt, she squealed in delight, making us both laugh. I wanted things to be light and airy; I didn’t want to have to delve into any difficult and deep conversations, especially if that wasn't what she wanted, and it seemed like I’d managed to achieve that.
I handed her the food and shot her a big grin, which she returned wholeheartedly. “Thank you,” she replied happily. “This is amazing. In fact, the whole night has been incredible.”
“Yeah?” I asked cautiously. If Ashlee was about to bring it up, then that was fine; I just didn’t want to pile any unnecessary pressure on her shoulders.
“Yeah...it really felt right, don't you think?” she looked up at me, concern filling her expression, suddenly looking a little uneasy. It seemed like my wariness had been misinterpreted, which was an issue that I wanted to fix immediately.
“It was the best night of my whole damn life,” I reassured her, pulling her in for a hug. “You’re incredible. I feel like we’re amazing together, and that made for the best night ever.”
She leaned into me, and for a second, I felt like I could feel a little wetness from her eyes, but she pulled back so quickly that I honestly couldn't be sure.
“I’m going to just be honest with you,” she told me, shaking slightly as she spoke. “I’m feeling insecure, like I’m not really good enough. I know that I shouldn’t believe too much of what I read in the media, but the bits about your...sexual past, it has me feeling like I’m not enough.
Wow, I had to admire that brutal honesty. I felt like it set a brand-new precedence for us. It felt like we were going to do things differently now, and that had to be a good thing. Keeping things to ourselves, pushing our problems deep down, it just didn’t work, so this would be a positive change.
“I’m going to tell you now that none of that meant anything,” I told her seriously. “I know it might make me sound a little stupid, but it really wasn't anything. The only person I’ve ever cared about is you. The only person I’ve ever slept with that has meant anything to me is you.”
She was looking at me like she wasn't totally sure, which left me needing to explain further. “I might have done some stupid shit in the past, doing some wild stuff in bed, but that was only to make it feel good. Nothing has ever felt as amazing as it does when I’m with you.”
“Wow... I honestly don't know what to say to that,” she grinned at me. “That’s made me feel really special.”
As she pulled me in for a deep and passionate kiss, I couldn't help but admit that she was right. This truth-telling thing might have been much more difficult, but the results of it were incredible. Everything was out in the open now, it was dealt with. It wouldn’t be an elephant hanging about in the corner of the room, and that was great.
She pulled back to look at me in the eyes for a couple of seconds, but then her phone blasted out, completely breaking the magic of the moment in a move that felt a little too familiar.
“Ooh, it’s Mom,” she smiled before answering. “H, Mom, is everything all right?”
She moved from the room to have a private conversation, and I couldn't stop my heart from sinking. I knew that things weren’t going to go well for Peggy, and it made me feel sick with anxiety. I didn’t want Ashlee to have to lose another parent, and I didn’t want Peggy to go, either. It felt unfair, but also inevitable.
“Mom’s sick,” she burst back into the room, a wetness to her eyes. “I need to go and take care of her.”
“Can I do anything?” I jumped up, ready to do whatever she needed, but she instantly shook her head. “No, I just... I think that I need to take care of her, but what about work?”
“Don't you worry about work,” I snapped back instantly. “I’ll sort it all out. I’ll get all your appointments rearranged, don't you worry. You just go and be there for your mom, and call me if you need me at all.”
My heart raced as I watched her get dressed in a hurry, but I tried my best not to shut down. I tried to keep my heart open wide, and to not let the past and the things that had happened before to taint this moment. She would be back for me, I was sure of it, I just had to be patient.
“Thank you, Matthew,” she panted, kissing me lightly on the lips. “I really appreciate everything you’re doing for me. Don't ever think that I don't.”
And with that, she left me by myself, but this time I didn’t allow insecurity to plague me. This time I was convinced that we would make it through. It would take deep, calming breaths for me to get there, but I was sure that I would get there.
It would be okay; it had to be.