SUMMER
The squirrels were at it again, having followed me across the square, fighting over nuts on branches that scratched our windows like fingernails on a chalkboard. I kept my eyes closed, refusing to admit the night was now in our past. The scratching was accompanied by the squeaking hiss of the garbage truck in the alley on the west side of our building, beneath the wall of windows. It was just a mattress on the distressed hardwood of our new condo, as we were demonstrating our mastered skills in procrastination and hadn’t unpacked. The little things in life were too fun, too happy for us to be pulled away to organize a set of dishes or deal with my minimalist’s adjustment to the copious amount of useless clothes I owned.
The bright summer sunlight poured through the panels of glass, assisting the obnoxious squirrels’ attempt to wake me before I desired. I rolled from my right side and onto my back. Sean’s left arm followed, draped over my side and flopping onto my stomach. I let the light tickle open my eyes and deeply exhaled, beginning my day feeling refreshed. We were up until three eating carryout on the floor of our bedroom after walking around the Capitol and spending hours engaged in conversation about what colors to paint the rooms, where I could get the best coffee, and laughing. Oh, the laughter; my stomach still hurt. I unconsciously lifted my hand to feel the happy pain with which my muscles ached, and I flinched.
“Sean, your hand is freezing,” I whispered, not wanting to startle him awake as the squirrels had done to me. When he didn’t reply, I rolled from my back to face him on my left side. I was tempted to run my hands through his floppy hair. He refused to trim it since it grew back into a thick mop of bronzed waves months ago.
“Sean?” I reached for his cheek, tickling his chilled stubble beneath my fingertips. He was too cold, too still. I impulsively pulled myself on top of him, mounting his waist and shaking his arms.
“Sean, wake up!” Nothing. I continued shaking him. Nothing. I covered my mouth, the adrenaline trembling my insides and preparing to explode. I climbed from his limp body, barely able to move, reaching for his phone to dial an ambulance while still squeezing his icy hand. His skin felt strangely rough, even intimidating, against mine. The dispatch operator was a calm-voiced man who fruitlessly tried to stop my hyperventilating from across the phone, but it was absolutely useless.
I tripped over the carryout boxes, stumbling onto the floor as I fell. Sean’s arm hung lifelessly over the side of the bed next to me. I struggled to get off the ground, feeling as if things moved in slow motion. It was like a dream, where you reach for someone or something and they just keep getting further away from you. I couldn’t quite grasp the physical strength required to climb from the floor. My legs were limp, and I couldn’t feel the floor. I forced myself to rise when I heard the paramedics pounding on the door, clinging to the thought of time and its holy preciousness. I couldn’t let go.
I ran through the hall, the empty living room, and foyer filled with boxes, to open the front door for the paramedics. They’re so blurry. What are they saying? They’re pointing. What are they asking me? I could only muster “bedroom” and Sean’s name from my lungs before again falling to the floor, pathetically pointing to the back of our condo.
“Ma’am.” One of the paramedics held my shoulders, his muscular hands nearly covering my entire upper arms. It wasn’t until he was lifting my chin that I realized I was only wearing one of Sean’s t-shirts and a pair of his black boxer briefs. The paramedic wasn’t fazed, and all awareness of my limited attire faded while he kept speaking to me, gently rubbing my arms up and down.
“Avery,” I swallowed, “my name is Avery.”
“Avery.” His smile softened his voice. “I’m Noah.” My eyes glossed, mindlessly studying the eccentric, colorful sleeve of tattoos on his forearms. I think there was a small mermaid and a totem pole mixed in with flowers and other designs. Sean’s dying.
“Ben and Nina have everything under control in there,” Noah tried to reassure me as we could hear the faint mumble of activity flowing from the back of our condo.
“How long have you lived here?” Why was he distracting me? Is Sean going to be okay? Should I be in there? Can I be in there?
“Two weeks,” I replied in a harsh whisper, the sound struggling against my throat. I started to rock back and forth as I sat against the open front door. I saw Noah climb from squatting in front of me, his feet softly patting toward the door as he closed it before his weight sank at my side.
“If it’s okay with you,” he put his right arm around my trembling shoulders, “I’m just going to sit with you for a while.”
“Here?”
“Yes. Right here.” But I need to help Sean. He needs to help Sean. I’m going to be sick.
“They don’t need me,” he answered my unspoken question. “You don’t need to be alone right now.” He pulled me against him. He smelled like coffee. What is happening in there? What is taking them so long? Sean…
“Why don’t you tell me about Sean?” Noah urged, squeezing my arm. I struggled to look up at him. I didn’t even know what he looked like. Sean? Where do I begin? He’s beautiful. I love the way his eyes sparkle when he sees me. I love how his beard grows back almost right after he shaves. I love how he sometimes lets his hair grow out now. I love how he loved me for years. I love what a ruthless flirt he is. I love how he always unbuttons the top two buttons on his dress shirts. I love the way he looks at me, even when he’s angry. He asked me to marry him and bought us this home. He eats all but one cookie in a box because he feels guilty. He lets me sleep in his t-shirts. He runs through the entire isthmus twice per day…used to. He beat cancer. We beat it. I thought. He’s my everything. He can’t let go.
The other paramedics’ jargon grew in volume as their hurried footsteps approached. “Breath sounds,” one called. “Ben, prepare the defibrillator and get the door open.”
“Avery,” Noah’s voice interrupted my daze, “we shouldn’t be here. They’re going to bring Sean through, and you don’t want to see that.”
I finally looked up at Noah, my expression empty and mouth gaping. I couldn’t move my face to show any type of emotion. I felt paralyzed beneath his green eyes. Green eyes. I think I actually felt my heart break, snapping into pieces among the empty cavity of my chest. My ears rang, and I couldn’t hear anything else that he said, and my body barely responded when he frantically lifted me out of the foyer and onto the gray herringbone tile of our small kitchen.
I convulsed, huddled into a ball on the cold tile floor, and I couldn’t stop the heaving sobs that shook me. Noah placed loose hair behind my right hear and joined me on the floor, rubbing circles along my back. This paramedic, the tattooed stranger, pulled me against him and let me soil his uniform with my uncontrollable sobs. I limply attempted to stand, but he brushed the top of my head with his hand, and I couldn’t move.
“Who can I call for you?” he asked when my heaves finally regulated. How long has it been? Where is Sean? Are they all still here? I shrugged, wiping my nose with the bottom of Sean’s t-shirt.
“Jesse,” I was barely coherent. “He’s our friend. Sean’s best friend.”
“Jesse,” Noah repeated. “Okay. I’ll call Jesse for you. What’s his phone number?” Noah took a small phone from his chest pocket and dialed the number I struggled to relay. His sympathetic smile was almost my undoing.
“Hi, Jesse? I’m Noah Rossi. I’m a paramedic, and I’m…no…well, I’m with Avery. She’s safe. Yes. My partners have him in the ambulance and…I can’t say…she wanted me to call you. You will? I’ll wait with her. Thank you.” Noah’s eyes were on mine as he dropped the phone back into his pocket. “Jesse’s on his way. I’m going to stay with you until he comes. All right?”
I nodded meekly in response, comforted by Noah’s support. It seemed like an eternity before Jesse arrived, running into the condo in a panic. Jesse knelt beside me, replacing Noah’s hold around me on the kitchen floor. He kissed my hair and pulled it into a tighter ponytail as I lay paralyzed.
“Bean,” he cooed, pulling me up into his lap, “let’s go to the hospital. The ambulance is gone. That means they have Sean and they’re working on him.”
“I’ll meet you there, Avery.” Noah’s gentle voice broke through. “The doctors will want to check you over too. I want to look at that bruise…” He lightly stroked the skin above my left eyebrow, and I winced. Why did that hurt? Oh. Carryout boxes. I felt the bile rise in my stomach, thinking back to how cold Sean’s hand felt.
The hospital emergency department was a flurry of activity, one sensory overload of sound, light, and movement. My head hurt. I needed to hear about Sean. When Jesse and I approached the counter to check in, I saw our tattooed hero leaning over the counter and speaking with a nurse. Noah turned, catching us in his periphery, and smiled. His green eyes sparkled, and I wanted to vomit. Sean. Green eyes.
“I’m glad you agreed to get checked out, Avery. You’re in good hands.” He winked at the nurse behind the counter as he passed. “I’ll find out what I can about Sean and check in with you before I head back to the fire department.” I nodded as Jesse shook Noah’s hand and helped check me in. As we waited on a vinyl loveseat, Jesse called Lizzie and asked her to bring Ella to join us. I slowly rocked back and forth again in Jesse’s arms, waiting for information about Sean. Noah hadn’t returned, and I could feel the bile start rising again.
It took a while for a nurse to take me into a room, finally seen at the persistence of Lizzie once she and Ella arrived. After time spent in Jesse’s arms, I felt grounded and came through my shock just enough to compose a sentence. I kept repeating to myself that Sean was there, he was with doctors, he would be okay. He has to be okay.
“I’d still like to check you over,” the emergency room nurse informed as she compiled some supplies from a cabinet.
“I’m fine.” On the outside. Lizzie snaked her arms around me, propping me against her from behind.
“Miss Blake, you took a serious tumble. You have some bruising, and you have been latching on to your wrist the entire time you’ve been in this room,” the nurse scolded. “Please let me take care of you.”
“Just do what you need to do,” Lizzie blurted, tightening her hold around me. Her warm hand tickled my forehead as she pulled my hair into a tighter ponytail. The nurse nodded and began assessing my blood pressure, drawing my blood—although I wasn’t sure why—and examining my left wrist.
She smiled sympathetically and sighed while packing away her supplies. “I wish I had news for you.”
“Me too.”
She nodded and headed toward the door, turning to Lizzie and me before she left. “I’ll be back as soon as I can. We have a full house today. We’ll run your labs and see about an x-ray for that wrist.”
With the nurse gone, Lizzie climbed onto the emergency room bed with me. “Holy shit,” she muttered, shattered and spent. She slowly rubbed circles around my back, attempting to maintain the fictitious sense of calm I struggled to exude. I felt my stomach roll, heaving myself over the edge of the bed to vomit before I could make it to the trash.
Lizzie flew from the bed and stood in front of me, anxiously examining me. “Don’t move.” She lifted her hands in warning. “It’s all over your shirt.” Sean’s shirt.
“No, Lizzie,” I murmured through a sob, my mouth gaping. “Don’t take this off of me. It smells like him. Don’t. Please.”
“Avery,” she slowly sighed, “it’s going to be okay.” She gently lifted the hem of my shirt and pulled it from my skin when Ella returned to the room. She glanced between us, the pile of vomit at Lizzie’s feet, and quickly rushed to Lizzie’s side to help remove my shirt. Ella reached for a plastic bag hanging from the coat hook and stuffed the shirt inside.
“Get a washcloth, Ella,” Lizzie ordered, using tissues to dry my skin. Where is the nurse? I wanted to find Sean and go home, pretend this was just a bad dream. Ella wiped my chest and face, saying nothing as we were all without words.
Lizzie and Ella sat with me, forcing me to close my eyes when I clawed out of their reach, crying to see Sean. I was livid when I woke up, terrified of falling asleep to let time pass. The thought tore through my heart of how much space was now between the paramedics taking Sean into the ambulance and me opening my eyes to see Lizzie and Ella watching me.
Ella hopped from the foot of my bed when there was a light knock on the door. Noah poked his head in, and I couldn’t immediately hear what he said to Ella, but I felt Lizzie squeeze my arm.
“Hi, Avery,” he murmured. “I haven’t heard anything yet. All I know is they took Sean from the emergency room and into surgery. I have to go to the fire department now.”
“Who are you?” Lizzie probed, interrupting Noah. She stepped from the bed and extended her hand as introduction. I watched Noah smile, his cheeks blush, something I wouldn’t have expected with those sleeves of color.
“Noah,” I mumbled. Ella scooted closer to me on the side of the bed, hugging me with both arms and resting her chin on my right shoulder. It was suffocating but relieving.
“Noah.” He shook Lizzie’s hand. “I’m one of the paramedics who went to Avery and Sean’s.”
“Did you see him?” Ella inquired innocently. Noah cautiously looked at me and then returned his green stare to Lizzie, shaking his head in response to Ella.
He reached for the doorknob and turned to me before exiting. “He’s in good hands.” Noah’s attempt to reassure left me feeling even more nauseated than before.
“Holy hotness,” Lizzie cooed. I closed my eyes, allowing my head to flip forward. I think I fell asleep again, and I hated myself for it.
My nurse was back with two doctors, one who looked like she could have been my age, and a man who stood with his dark arms crossed against his chest. “We can’t do the x-ray, Miss Blake.”
“That’s fine. I’m fine. Really,” I assured her team. As I began to sit from the bed, the young female doctor glided to my side. Her black hair was pulled back tightly into a bun on the top of her head, and her eyes were contained by large tortoise-shell framed glasses. Why all this fuss about me? Where is Sean? Why isn’t anyone telling me about him?
“Miss Blake,” the doctor’s voice was smooth and calm, “we can’t x-ray your wrist because the results of your blood work suggest that you’re pregnant.”
“What?” Ella gasped, jumping from the edge of the heater, clutching her mouth. Lizzie was silent for once, but she hadn’t left my side and continued to pet my face like an infant. I’m going to throw up again. I reached for the kidney-shaped bucket placed on the table next to my bed.
“It’s just your nerves, dear,” the male doctor assured me, rubbing my upper back. “You’ve been through a lot this morning, and we’re sure this news isn’t what you expected. Amanda, can you see that Miss Blake gets something to wear?”
“My husband is bringing her clothes,” Ella stammered, at a loss for words beyond the informative. They had me wrapped in the rough fabric of the disposable pillowcase from the emergency room bed.
The male doctor nodded, smiling politely at Ella, and then looked again at me. “We’ll get you a gown to wear until then.” His smile was warm and inviting, calming me ever so slightly.
I nodded in understanding and fell back against the plastic pillow. Of all the daydreams I had in life, having children was not one of them, especially on my own. Oh my god. On my own. Sean…
“Where is Sean?” I snapped, demanding information from Ella and Lizzie, who hovered at my side. Ella’s mouth was still hanging open, speechless.
Lizzie shrugged defensively. “They haven’t told us. We aren’t family. We don’t know if he’s alive or not. I thought after the radiation—”
Ella glared at Lizzie. “Stop! We’re not going there right now. Avery, they can’t keep you in here much longer. This is an ER bed, so they’ll kick us out soon. What do you want to do?”
“Where is Sean?” I demanded once more. The door to my room opened quickly without warning, and Jesse stormed in. His chest heaved as he caught his breath, and his arms sagged under the weight of his blue messenger bag. That must be my clothes. Ella darted across the floor toward him, locking her arms around his neck. Lizzie pulled the bag from Jesse’s chest and sorted through the contents, taking out a pair of jeans, underwear, and a pink t-shirt. Ella coaxed Jesse out of the room while Lizzie helped me get dressed.
“So,” Lizzie whispered as she lifted the pillowcase from my chest and helped me with my bra and new t-shirt, “pregnant.” I glanced up at her, my expression cold.
“We can talk about that later.” She kissed my forehead and helped pull my underwear and jeans up before balling Sean’s boxer briefs into Jesse’s bag. She quietly suggested something about a toothbrush and deodorant, but I didn’t acknowledge her. I blinked, staring at nothing. Jesse peeked around the door, his expression sobering and somber as he glanced between us.
“What is it?” I eagerly pulled my legs over the side of the bed, preparing myself to stand. Jesse stepped into the room; his back was toward me as he closed the door, silently and painfully slow. I watched his shoulders lift with a long inhale and release before he turned to me.
“Sean…” He shook his head, refusing to look me in the eyes. “I’m so sorry, Ave—”
“What the hell, Jesse,” Lizzie screamed, storming toward him. “What is it?” She was ferocious, pounding her hands into his chest as if he was at fault. I placed the tips of my toes on the floor. It felt stable and secure. I let my bottom slide from the mattress as I attempted to stand. I can’t feel my knees. Blurry. My ears were throbbing. So loud. Blurry. Quiet.