Kell had come to dread his heats, and as much as he cared for Ronin and trusted Ronin, the instant Ronin growled, he’d ceased being the man Kell trusted. He’d become Krause in Kell’s mind, and Kell’s base instincts had said to hide. Not to seek out his mate so his body’s heat could be assuaged, but to hide from him.

His passage ached, longing for his alpha’s cock to fill him. To use the slick to ease his way and claim his omega. But fear kept Kell rocking in that corner, because it might not only be his mate who knotted him. He didn’t want a stranger’s knot. He didn’t even want his mate’s knot. He wanted…someone else.

Fire licked along his skin and pulsed in his blood. His cock was hard and hungry, his balls full of useless seed that might spill if his mate allowed it. Usually not until near the end of the heat, when the worthless omega had suffered enough for his previous failings to conceive. He waited for hands to grab him, to shove him face-first to the floor to be taken.

“I love you.”

The words leaked through Kell’s haze of terror. Not Krause’s voice. A warm, honeyed voice that was genuine, not mocking.

I know that voice. I trust that voice.

Getting his body to obey was a struggle, but Kell raised his head. Peeked through splayed fingers. The large shape of a man crouching nearby filled his vision, and it didn’t make sense. He wasn’t Krause, and he wasn’t naked. The man’s arousal hit Kell all at once, caressing his heated skin, making his balls tighten.

I know this man.

“Ronin,” Kell whispered, the name falling from his lips like a prayer.

“It’s me,” he replied. “No one else is here. No one is going to hurt you.”

“It already hurts. I need…” No. He might need it, but he didn’t want it. He didn’t want Krause anywhere near him—and he wasn’t. Only Ronin.

Krause is dead. He can’t hurt me anymore.

“I know you need,” Ronin said, so tenderly Kell nearly cried. “May I come closer?”

No one had ever asked permission before. “Yes.”

Ronin scooted closer, staying at Kell’s level, instead of towering over him. The scent of his arousal strengthened, but it didn’t scare Kell. He craved more of that scent. He wanted it on his skin, on his tongue, all around him. Ronin’s nostrils flared over and over as he approached, and he stopped within an arm’s reach of Kell.

Kell couldn’t imagine the pain of restraint Ronin was feeling, but he saw it in the way Ronin’s arms trembled and his skin dotted with perspiration. A wave of need hit Kell so hard he doubled over. His passage ached to be filled, and more slick dampened the floor beneath him. The first surge had already started. He whined, hands clenching, needing so hard to touch his cock, to find some relief—but touching without permission got him tied up.

“What can I do, Kell?” Ronin asked.

Maybe Ronin will be different. Maybe he won’t let Kell suffer. “Please.”

“Please what? Anything.”

“May I touch myself?”

Ronin visibly startled. “Of course, you may touch yourself.”

Kell immediately grabbed his shaft and began jerking himself. The distant pleasure of the pressure, of gliding his foreskin up and over his glans, did little for the throbbing of his lower body. Little for the need to be filled and fucked, until his alpha came and knotted. His body needed it, but Kell didn’t want it.

Not yet. Not until absolutely necessary.

Kell pressed his cheek to the cool floor, and then cried out as he came, coating his belly and chest in useless omega come. Ronin made a rough noise in his throat—of disgust or desire, Kell didn’t know. All he did know was that Ronin was holding back, keeping his distance, when the need to pounce, fuck, and claim had to be ripping him apart inside.

He’d never in his life known an alpha with this sort of control.

Ronin’s earlier words floated back to him. “I love you.”

I think I love him, too.

Another wave hit, and Kell moaned. He rolled onto his back, trying to get more of his skin against the cool tile, so hot and horny and getting no relief. It had never been like this, his ass so empty when he needed it to be filled. He’d never had to writhe and keen and beg without words for someone to simply fuck him already!

Because I don’t really want it. It’s biology, nothing more.

“Ronin!” Kell threw out a hand, which Ronin caught and held. “Ugh.”

“I’m here, my omega, I’m right here.”

“I’m burning up.”

“You’ll get through this.”

“Please!”

“Goddess!” Ronin tore his hand away.

Kell whined and hated himself for it, but he needed his alpha. His alpha, who was storming across the room to a bag. He rifled around inside, and Kell prepared for the blessed sight of condoms, because that meant relief. Except Ronin produced a pill bottle and water, and he swallowed some sort of tablet.

No! He needed his alpha to embrace his nature, not shield it. Not hide it behind drugs. Drugs had put Kell in this state in the first place. Ronin’s slacks were tented with his own arousal, and Kell’s mouth watered at the sight of it. Maybe if he enticed his alpha with attention. Serviced him as any good omega should.

Kell rolled onto his knees, immediately missing the cool tile against his skin, but determined now. He crawled towards Ronin, ass tilted into the air, and he’d gotten within pouncing distance when Ronin looked down.

His dark eyebrows arched. “Kell?”

“Please.” He reached for Ronin’s belt, and Ronin took a full step back, nearly tripping over the shopping bag. “You need relief too.”

“I’m fine.” Ronin’s sweaty face and trembling limbs showed him to be anything except fine. His alpha was suffering, too.

“Please.”

“We can’t, little one. The instant you touch my cock, I’ll have to fuck you, and it’s too soon.”

Need you to fuck me.

“You have no idea how hard you are to resist,” Ronin said in a strangled voice. “And not only for your heat, but because of how beautiful you are. You’re my omega, and I want you so much, but I will not risk your health to satisfy my hormones.”

“I’m not beautiful.” Kell crawled back to his corner, hurt by his alpha’s rejection, but not completely surprised. His body was ugly. He was ugly. A worthless, used up omega whose bondmate didn’t even want to fuck him.

He cowered and trembled, his aching body demanding relief that wasn’t coming, so he suffered in silence, ignoring any more words spoken by his alpha. Tears leaked from his eyes without permission and joined his unused slick on the damp floor. At some point, the first surge ended, and Kell collapsed as his muscles relaxed and gave him a small amount of relief.

A blanket fell across his prone form. “Do you want to shower?” Ronin asked.

Kell wanted this nightmare to be over, so he didn’t have to keep facing Ronin, who professed to love him, but wouldn’t let Kell touch him. “Serge.”

“You want Serge to help?” Ronin sounded hurt, but he didn’t care. Kell hurt too.

“Yes.”

“All right, I’ll call him.”

Kell pulled the blanket tighter around himself and ignored the sound of Ronin’s voice as he called in reinforcements. He didn’t really know Serge, but Braun did, and that was good enough for Kell. He dozed a while, until the air shifted nearby, and he startled awake.

Serge smiled at him from a few feet away. “You ready to get cleaned up?”

With Serge’s help, Kell got to his feet on trembling knees. He was grateful that Ronin was no longer in the room, and he clung to Serge during the walk to the bathroom. Cleaning up in between surges was a novelty. Krause liked him messy and full of come. Kell didn’t have any come inside him, but he had slick crusting his ass and balls, and a shower would be heaven.

The bathroom was one open space, with the sink and toilet tucked to one side, and a large shower space taking up the rest. No curtain, no privacy, but what did it matter? Serge was a nurse and had seen it all before. Kell leaned against the wall while Serge set the water temperature. He let Serge remove the blanket and nudge him under the spray.

“Hang tight, there’s soap in the bag outside,” Serge said.

“Okay.”

Kell pressed his palms against the tiled wall and allowed the warm water to pound his chest and belly. Not too hot, not too cool. Serge returned a moment later with soap and a washcloth.

“Do you need help washing?” Serge asked.

“I’ll do it.” Kell took the items, too damned proud to let another grown man wash him. Even if it meant sitting on the floor of the shower, which he did a moment later. He still cleaned himself up, all on his own.

He did let Serge help towel him off later, though. And get him into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. Clothes that would be coming off again in a matter of hours, but he could pretend to be normal for a little while. Serge got him back in bed, sheets tucked around him, before asking, “Think you can eat something?”

“I’ll try.” His stomach was tight with fear and annoyance at Ronin, but he knew he needed to keep up his strength.

“Tarek promised to bring by a proper hot breakfast soon,” Serge said. “But this will hold you.” He handed Kell a protein bar and bottle of water.

“Thank you.” Kell fumbled with the wrapper, still a bit shivery from the surge, but he managed to get it open. The bar was almost too sweet, so he took small nibbles and washed them down with water.

Serge lingered by the foot of the bed, watching him with no clear expression. “Braun told me this is your first heat without relief.”

“He’s right. Our first heats both came much later in life than is typical, and when I first began showing symptoms, I expected my first heat to be managed alone. I didn’t expect Krause’s courtship, but I was also relieved someone still wanted me, despite my age. I’m glad Braun had Tarek for his first, even though he resisted for a while.”

“He did try to resist, but Braun and Tarek are a much different story than you and Ronin. Braun had known Tarek for a full month, they’d become friends. They were dating.”

“Whereas Ronin is my lawyer, and we have all this trial mess between us. My awful past. My medical condition.”

“Limiting your actual sexual activity during this heat was a smart move by Dr. Troi. I’ve worked with a lot of omegas over the years, and I’ve seen what bad advice, or ignoring advice, can lead to. Ronin is using dangerous amounts of suppressants to keep himself from going against those orders.”

Kell hated the idea of Ronin putting his own health in danger to help him. “Maybe Ronin shouldn’t be here anymore.”

Serge frowned. “Do you really want him to leave?”

“Yes. No.” He tossed the half-eaten protein bar onto the bed. “I don’t know. Everything gets so mixed up during the surge. I need him to touch me, but I don’t want him to touch me, and then I get angry when he stays away. It doesn’t make any sense.”

“Actually, it makes perfect sense, given your history. You’re finally in a position of power over your own heat. You don’t have an abusive alpha fucking you to exhaustion with no say in the matter. Ronin is following your wishes, instead of forcing himself on you, and that confuses you. But Kell? It’s okay not to want sex, even during a heat. It’s more painful than giving in, yes, but this isn’t your first heat. It won’t be nearly as awful for you to get through this without sex than it would have been for your first.”

“Painful like it was for Braun.”

“Correct.” Serge smiled. “But that only lasted until Braun gave in and accepted Tarek’s help.”

“So I could theoretically make it through this heat without letting Ronin fuck me?”

“Yes, you could. Dr. Troi cleared you, but that doesn’t make a difference up here.” Serge tapped the side of his head. “And when the heat is over, you have to be able to live with your actions.”

“Thank you. Your words help more than you know.” He studied the blond beta nurse. “Braun was lucky to meet you.”

“Braun is a dear friend, and I’m happy to help. Now you need to rest, all right? Ronin is probably pacing the hall outside, and Tarek will be along with breakfast soon.”

“Okay.” Kell settled against the pillow, allowing exhaustion to overtake him. He’d probably wake to another surge, and he needed all the strength he could get to continue resisting what his body craved.

* * *

Ronin was absolutely not embarrassed to be seen running down the corridor to the nearest public restroom, so he could get his raging boner under control. Relief from the strong scents of Kell’s arousal, slick, and pheromones helped, and by the time he’d successfully jerked off into the toilet, he felt a little less insane. Less lust-drunk.

Being dismissed by Kell had stung, but now that he had his wits about him, Ronin also understood it. Kell’s own body was insisting it get fucked, and Ronin—his alpha—had refused. But he refused, because he saw the war going on in Kell’s eyes. The internal debate between following nature and acting in his own best interest. So Ronin had taken more alpha suppressants and kept his distance, until the surge ended.

He flushed, then washed his hands. The bathroom stank of arousal, but there was nothing to be done about it, so he left, not making eye contact with the man waiting outside to use the toilet. One of the patrolmen guarding Kell’s door confirmed Serge was still inside, so Ronin held up the opposite wall, doing everything possible not to pace.

At almost the same time, Tarek turned the corner with a takeout bag in his hand, and Serge exited Kell’s room.

“How’s he doing?” Ronin asked.

“Resting, finally,” Serge replied. “Is that real food? He wasn’t fond of the protein bar.”

“It’s real,” Tarek said. “Pancakes with syrup and a side of fresh fruit for Kell. Sausage omelet for Ronin.”

“I appreciate this so much,” Ronin said.

“You’re being extra-cautious, and I don’t blame you. He’s your omega.”

“An omega who barely let me touch him during his surge.”

Tarek chuckled. “At least you’re in the same room. I had a door and two locks between me and Braun, at first.”

“Braun was in his first heat, so it was worse for him,” Serge said. “Don’t forget that. As much as Kell seems to be suffering, he knows what his body can handle. Don’t take it too personally if he doesn’t ask you to knot him.”

“I’ll do my best,” Ronin said.

“Here.” Serge took the bag and handed Ronin the top container marked ‘OM’. “You eat. I’ll take this in to Kell.”

“Thanks.”

Tarek followed him to the nearest waiting room, which was mostly empty, and he settled in to eat the omelet. The food was good, lots of cheese and sausage, but it sat heavily in Ronin’s stomach. He couldn’t enjoy the food while his omega was suffering. He did need the fuel, however, so he forced the food down. Tarek disappeared briefly and returned with two cups of hospital coffee. The stuff could take rust off a car battery, but the caffeine would help.

“Kell isn’t used to making decisions about his life or body,” Tarek said apropos of nothing. “I know it’s hard not to second guess yourself, but trust that what he asks, or doesn’t ask for, is what’s best for him. He needs to be in control of this.”

“I know he does.” Ronin jabbed at a large piece of sausage. “And I’d die before I did anything to break his trust, but it’s hard not to want to help him.”

“It’s fine to want to help. The hardest part is not acting on that instinct.”

“Yeah. At least you had a door between you and Braun. Being with him in the same room? It’s killing me.”

“But you’re controlling yourself, and that’s incredibly admirable. You’re able to be there for your omega without him fearing you.”

Tarek had a point with that one—even if the extra dose of alpha suppressant was starting to give him a headache. It was one of the many side effects of overdosing on the stuff, which was why so many chose the injections or under-the-skin treatment. Pills were too easy to mismanage.

Ronin considered a question he’d never imagined asking another alpha, but he and Tarek were in a unique situation with their omegas, not only with them being brothers, but in them heating and mating so much later than was typical. And in both of them waiting so long for their alphas to find them.

“What’s it like?” Ronin whispered. “Being with your omega in heat?”

Tarek’s blinding smile was almost everything Ronin needed to know. “It’s intoxicating. Once you give into it, fucking and coming and knotting are all that matter. Pleasing your omega is all that matters. It completely takes you over.” He sobered a fraction. “But it’s different with Kell and you. With Braun, I could let go and fuck him senseless. If Kell consents, you have to be so much more careful with him.”

“I know.” Ronin would resent Krause every day for the rest of his existence for the toll he’d put on Kell’s body. Not for Ronin’s future inability to let go, but for Kell possibly never enjoying his alpha’s cock during a heat. For never feeling that freefall again. Always being careful. Always worrying it would hurt.

“Something crossed your mind and it wasn’t good,” Tarek said. “Just now, you looked like you wanted to burst into tears.”

Annoyed at that, Ronin looked up, but no one was paying any attention to their conversation. “My personal fear about the heat, I suppose.”

“Care to share with the class?”

“I’m scared that if Kell does consent, I fuck him, and he says he’s in pain…I’m scared I won’t be able to stop. I’m terrified I’ll knot him, he’ll suffer the entire time, and then he’ll resent me for it. I swore I’d never hurt him.”

“Then you won’t. Even if you’re inside him, in the throes of his pheromones, you’ll stop if he’s hurting. Know why I know?”

Ronin quirked an eyebrow at his oldest friend. “I’m such a stand-up guy?”

“That too. No. He’s your mate, jackass. You two have bonded, and even though you haven’t mated, making Kell happy is part of your biological drive, just like protecting him and fucking him through a heat. You’ll stop if he’s in pain.”

“Krause didn’t.”

“Krause and Kell never bonded. Krause was a sadistic fuck who”—Tarek glanced around this time—“deserved to die. No, I take that back, he deserved to spend at least twenty years in a maximum-security territory prison, surrounded by people who hate rapists, and then he deserved to die at the end of a shiv.”

Ronin blinked hard, surprised by the violence coming from his normally even-tempered friend. “That’s…colorful.”

Tarek shrugged and sipped his coffee. “I got to know Kell while he was here recovering from giving birth, and Braun adores him. He’s family.”

“I love him.” Ronin hadn’t admitted that to anyone except Kell, who’d taken the declaration in stride. “I’m not sure if he believes me, but I do.”

“Then do right by him. Stand by his side and abide by his wishes. If it’s no sex during his heat, then tough it out and get used to a lot of masturbating in the shower between surges. It’ll be worth it.”

Ronin silently agreed as he stared into the dark swirl of his coffee. “Going through a painful heat, only to be back on trial for murder.”

“That you will acquit Kell of, and then the four of us are going on a nice vacation somewhere. Maybe six, if Serge and Dex can get time off. Rent a house in the mountains, fish in a lake, skinny dip at night.”

He eyeballed Tarek. “You fish?”

“Well, no, but how difficult can it be?”

For the first time in hours, Ronin laughed. Vacation. Definitely sounded like something to look forward to with their mates.

* * *

Kell ate as much of the pancakes as possible, so he didn’t insult the gift, but his stomach wasn’t having it. Two pieces of melon went down all right, but more wasn’t happening.

“I know it’s hard,” Serge said. “Sometimes the stimulants they use to force the heat can cause nausea. I can ask your doctor about giving you something for it?”

“No. Goddess, no more chemicals in my body, please.” Kell shoved the carton away and leaned against his pillow. He still tingled all over, and he’d already soaked a wet spot through his shorts from the slick, and he dreaded the next surge. As much as he craved his alpha’s nearness, he was thoroughly humiliated by the way Ronin had brushed off his advances of a simple blow job. Kell was too hideous and used up even for that.

You know that’s not why he refused you.

Kell ignored the voice of reason and stewed in his own anxieties. It didn’t matter, anyway. He was vulnerable at the hospital, and if Senior Iverson’s extensive reach didn’t get to him here, he’d probably die in prison with his ass in the air.

“Hey, where’d you go?” Serge asked. “What’s that face for?”

“Thinking bad thoughts. Not staying positive like I’m supposed to.” Kell shrugged. “But I guess a heat with no fucking isn’t so bad, after the last three years. At least no one’s calling me a dirty whore and a come-dump.” He snapped his lips shut, shocked those things had tumbled out of his mouth.

Serge squinted at him. “Your mate said those things to you?”

“And the others, too.” Surely Serge had read all about those other men in the papers by now.

And Serge didn’t look shocked, exactly, more like upset and Kell wasn’t sure why. Serge barely knew Kell, and he was a nurse in a busy province hospital. Surely, he’d heard worse things. Curious, Kell reached out to the older man sitting on the side of his bed and squeezed his wrist.

“Are you okay?” Kell asked.

“Yeah, sorry.” Serge smiled, but it was forced. “Thinking about the past.”

“Oh.” Oh.

Kell didn’t press the issue. Serge’s private—possibly painful—past wasn’t his business. They watched television for a while, until the tell-tale signs of a new surge came over him. Kell wanted to resist, but it was useless. The surges would continue to come until the heat ended. Sure, taking a knot would extend the time period between them, but Kell wasn’t ready for that.

Not yet.

“Get Ronin, please,” Kell said. “It’s time.”

Time for round two with an alpha who clearly didn’t want him the way he said he did. Not when he ran from Kell and brushed away his touch.

It doesn’t matter. I’ll get through this on my own.

Maybe.

Probably not.