Chapter Thirteen
Nathan sat in his car for more than ten minutes before he finally summoned up the nerve to get out. And then he stood on the sidewalk for a couple more minutes, staring up at the building in front of him, double checking the information on his phone to make sure it was the right address.
Just as he was about the mount the stairs to the landing, a tall, dark-haired woman came running down the street at a faster pace than he had ever been capable of. She slowed as she approached the building Nathan was standing in front of, coming to a halt as she reached him.
She looked at him with a mixture of curiosity and suspicion. “Are you lost or something?”
Nathan took in her ultra-slender figure, clad in running shorts and a short-sleeved T-shirt, some type of hi-tech shoes on her feet. Her black hair was pulled back into a long ponytail, and her sweat-dampened face was free of makeup. She carried some sort of water bottle flask in one hand.
“No, I’ve got the right address, thanks,” he replied, and began to walk up the stairs.
“Wait.” He turned as she called out to him. “I know you aren’t here to see me, so that just leaves Julia. And she isn’t here right now.”
Nathan stepped back onto the sidewalk, frowning. “Are you her roommate or something?”
“Neighbor, actually. I live in the upstairs flat. Angela DelCarlo. And you are?”
He stuck his hand out. “Nathan Atwood. I’m, uh, Julia’s -“
“Yes, I know who you are,” she said in a tone that indicated she wasn’t at all impressed with this knowledge, giving him the briefest of handshakes. “What are you doing here?”
He cocked his head to one side, regarding her carefully. “Exactly what has Julia told you about me?”
Angela shrugged. “Pretty much all of it. She didn’t mean to, but we got carried away with the tequila poppers one night. But don’t worry, your little secret’s safe with me. It’s not like we know any of the same people.”
He couldn’t very well be annoyed with Julia at having confided in her neighbor when he’d spilled his guts to Jared. “I, uh, need to talk to her. Do you know when she’ll be back?”
She checked her equally high-tech running watch. “It’s ten a.m. now. Her yoga class ends at ten-thirty but she usually goes to coffee with people from her class or sometimes her teacher.”
“Where’s the yoga studio?”
Angela blinked. “Well, someone’s anxious, aren’t they? What’s the matter – need to meet your fiancée afterwards?”
The dark-haired woman’s snarkiness surprised him, for she seemed like a relatively quiet, passive person.
He flushed. “No, I don’t, actually. I just really need to talk to Julia as soon as possible.”
“Fine.” She sighed in resignation. “The place is called SF Flow and it’s about four blocks from here on Divisadero near Pine. Good luck finding a parking space.”
“Yeah, that’s the least of my worries. I’m more concerned with Julia clobbering me with a yoga mat or something. Or not speaking to me ever again.”
Angela smirked. “Buy her a café au lait and a chocolate croissant and it might help. Food usually puts her in a good mood. God knows she’s always trying to feed me.”
Nathan privately thought he knew why that was, for Angela was at least ten to fifteen pounds lighter than she ought to be, her arms and legs like toothpicks. But he merely nodded and said, “Thanks for the tip. I’ll try that.”
“Sure. I’m not positive Julia will appreciate my telling you but what the hell. And, hey – Nathan?”
He paused by his BMW Roadster, about to open the door. “What is it?”
Angela’s big brown eyes darkened and her expression was grim. “Don’t fuck around with her, okay? In case you haven’t figured it out yet, Julia’s a real prize. And from what I’ve heard you sure as hell don’t deserve her.”
Grimly, he nodded. “You’re right on that count. I’m the first to admit I’ve been a total prick to her, but that’s going to change.”
She began to ascend the stairs. “It had better. Otherwise, I’m going to call Julia’s twin and tell her everything. And that’s bad news for all of us.”
Angela went inside before he could quiz her further, but decided he was better off not knowing more about this terror of a twin sister anyway.
He found the yoga studio easily enough, and lucked out getting a parking space just around the corner. It was a few minutes before ten-thirty as he waited outside the building, and he was glad he’d worn a sweater for the fog had rolled in this morning. He didn’t expect Julia to be exactly thrilled to see him, not after the way he’d accosted, seduced and fucked her, only to leave the banquet with another woman. This was the third time he’d done something like this to her, and right now he was feeling like the lowest sort of life form. But he had to see her – to apologize, to make sure she was okay, to say God knew what else.
The trick was going to be in getting her to listen to him without flipping him off or calling him an asshole. Truth be told, he wouldn’t blame her in the least for doing both.
“Hang on a sec, Julia. I need to ask you something.”
Julia paused in the doorway leading from the practice room into the reception area of the yoga studio, glancing back curiously at her teacher. “What’s up, Sasha?”
Sasha put her hand on Julia’s arm, a light tough that nonetheless conveyed the concern behind her words. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You seemed a little off your game today.”
Julia sighed. “Yeah, I know. Not at my best for sure.”
She’d fallen out of a handstand, wobbled on an arm balance posture that was usually easy for her, and had none of her normal high energy during class. Even in this very advanced, difficult class Julia was normally one of the top students, able to do nearly every pose that Sasha threw at them. She and her teacher had bonded almost instantly, from the time of Julia’s first class, and occasionally hung out after class to have a cup of tea and talk.
Sasha shrugged. “We all have off days. And it is close to the full moon, you know, which can throw our balance off.”
Julia knew that her teacher fully embraced the yogic lifestyle – not just the practice but also the diet and the beliefs – and being in touch with the moon phases was only a small part of that commitment.
“I’m a little tired, too, and maybe a bit hungover,” confessed Julia. “I was at a banquet last night and didn’t get home until late.”
“That would do it. You should have a big glass of wheatgrass juice to help with the hangover. It’s a wonderful energizer and detoxifier.”
Julia thought privately that wheatgrass sounded completely nauseating but she wasn’t about to insult Sasha with that opinion. “Okay, maybe I will.”
“And I noticed you wincing a little, especially when you were in hanumanasana. Do you have a muscle strain?”
Julia did wince as she recalled the slight discomfort she’d experienced doing the full splits pose. “Um, no, just, er, sore. I, um, was –well, for lack of a better description, let’s call it wallbanged last night. Guess I’m just a little tender this morning.”
Sasha’s light green eyes widened, and then she laughed behind her hand. “Well, I hope it was worth it. Sounds a bit kinky, but I’m all for a little kink every so often.”
Julia flushed. “I can’t believe I just told you that. You must think I’m shameless.”
Sasha gave a rather undignified hoot. “For getting fucked against the wall? Sweetie, not much shocks me anymore. I grew up in a very bohemian household, so I’m generally pretty open-minded about most things.”
“Well, thanks for checking on me. I promise to be back to normal by next class,” vowed Julia.
“So, no more wallbanging for you?” joked Sasha.
Julia’s mouth tightened. “Not with the same guy, anyway. I’m officially not speaking to him.”
“Too bad. Any guy who can fuck you hard enough to make you walk funny must be pretty awesome in the sack.”Sasha’s eyes twinkled. “Or in this case, against the wall.”
Julia rolled her eyes and gave her teacher a quick hug before leaving the practice room to retrieve her shoes, jacket, and mat bag. The reception area was already filling up with students for the next class, so she got ready to leave quickly.
Only to stop short upon leaving the studio when she saw who was waiting for her just outside, his tall, leanly muscled frame slouched against the side of the building.
It wasn’t fair, she thought wildly, that she kept having these sorts of reactions to him. He looked so handsome, so yummy, that he ought to be illegal. He was casually dressed today – dark jeans, loafers, and a midnight blue V-neck sweater with a white shirt beneath it. His beautiful, thick hair was as well-styled as ever, his expression somber and unsmiling.
And then she remembered how desperate, how passionate he’d been last night, only to leave the banquet with Cameron, the woman he was going to marry next Valentine’s Day. And given the way Cameron had been hanging over him all night, Julia wasn’t naïve enough to believe she hadn’t expected a rollicking fuck from Nathan. Had he gone from her arms right into Cameron’s? She shuddered at the thought, refusing to torture herself with it.
Julia gazed at him for a moment longer before recalling her vow not to speak to him. Sliding her yoga mat bag over her shoulder, she started walking down the block away from him, silently fuming that he would just show up this way. What the hell gave him the nerve to think she would ever speak to him again after the way he’d treated her last night?
Not surprisingly, he caught up to her before she’d gone half a block, his voice low and pleading. “Julia, wait. Please. We need to talk and you know it. Stop.”
Stubbornly, she kept on walking until he took hold of her arm, stilling her. She refused to look at him and tried unsuccessfully to pull her arm free.
“Let go of me, Nathan,” she said quietly. “I don’t want to talk to you.”
“You don’t have to talk, just listen. But can we go somewhere more private? Can I buy you a coffee? Please, Julia. I need to apologize, make sure you’re okay, and I really don’t want to do that here on the sidewalk.”
She gave a small shrug. “I’m fine. You’ve apologized, Nothing left to say. Now let me go.”
“No. Hey, I get that you’re pissed off at me and I don’t blame you. But please – it’s just coffee, okay?”
Julia emitted a little huff. “Fine. There’s a place on the next block.”
“Is that where they serve the chocolate croissants?”
She blinked at him, wondering how in the world he would know about that, and then it dawned on her. “Angela. That rat. She told you where to find me. Nice to know I can count on my friends when I need them.”
Nathan smirked. “If it’s any consolation, she warned me to play nice. Threatened to tell your sister if I didn’t.”
Julia fought down a sense of panic at the very thought of Lauren ever figuring out that the bastard who dumped her back in New York was now her employer. “Well, that would be a very bad thing. My sister isn’t known as the Queen of Confrontation for nothing. And she’s coming for a visit next month so Angela needs to zip it.”
“How does your neighbor know your sister so well?”
“We all grew up together in Carmel, went through school and all. Angela is actually more Lauren’s friend than mine but we’re still close. When she learned I was moving here she told me about the flat for lease below hers.”
Nathan kept hold of her arm as they continued walking. “Your friend isn’t exactly warm and sunny, is she?”
Julia’s eyes flashed green fire. “She used to be, until some prick did a real number on her a couple of years ago. She was a total wreck for a long time – stopped eating, lost a ton of weight, wouldn’t leave her flat except to go to work. Things haven’t improved much, either.”
“Why didn’t she just sic your sister on the guy? Sounds like your twin is a force to be reckoned with.”
“Because Angela won’t tell us his name, and we never met him. Lauren and I think he had her wrapped up in some sort of borderline BDSM relationship where he controlled her entire life. Then when he dumped her she couldn’t cope.”
He shook his head. “That sounds pretty sick.”
“Yeah, I wonder sometimes if she’ll ever get back to normal. Here we are.”
They scored a small table for two in a back corner of the coffeehouse, and Julia waited uncertainly while Nathan placed their order. She was conscious of not exactly looking her best – no makeup, pale from lack of sleep, her hair scraped back off her face into a long braid. At least her yoga clothes were as stylish as the rest of her wardrobe – fitted black Lululemon pants and a cute black and white graphic print tank with crisscross straps. Due to the foggy morning she had thrown a long, fitted black cardigan on over her outfit. And yoga class was just about the only time she ever wore flat shoes – black Keen Mary Janes.
Nathan returned with a tray bearing her café au lait and croissant, along with his own black coffee and toasted bagel. They ate and drank in silence for several minutes, Julia being very careful not to meet his eyes even though she could feel his gaze upon her. Then, he unexpectedly reached out and ran his fingers along the side of her neck, wincing when he saw the dark purple marks he’d put there the night before.
“Sorry about that,” he said hesitantly. “I, uh, hope they don’t hurt.”
She shrugged his hand off. “I’ll live. I must say, though, no one’s given me a hickey since high school. At least I don’t have to hide it from my parents this time.”
Nathan smiled. “I’ll bet you had a ton of boyfriends in high school. And with two of you, your parents probably went a little crazy.”
“Not exactly. Lauren was a huge tomboy, and was more interested in sports than boys. She didn’t really date until senior year, and my parents always knew she could take care of herself.” Julia took a sip of her coffee. “My sister has studied martial arts since she was six years old. And not the tamer stuff like judo or tae kwon do. We’re talking karate, kung fu, capoeira.”
“Jesus.” Nathan gulped. “No wonder everyone is terrified of her. What about you? Did you do martial arts as well?”
“God, no.” She gave a little shudder. “Too violent for timid little me. I did ballet and gymnastics and then yoga when I was in high school. Besides, it was always important for Lauren and me to have our own separate identities and interests. Thank God my mom never believed in dressing us alike once we became toddlers.”
He chewed a bite of bagel. “You didn’t answer my question about boyfriends. Did you date a lot in high school?”
“One boyfriend for all four years of school. Plus almost two years of college. Sam and I were the classic high school sweethearts. At one point I was convinced we were going to get married and spend the rest of our lives together.”
“So what happened?”
Julia gave him a sad little smile. “He wanted to move on, date other people. It was hard maintaining a relationship during college. I mean, we tried. One of the reasons I chose Cornell was because it was only a three hour drive from Penn State.”
He frowned. “That’s not really close. Why didn’t he find a school closer to Cornell?”
“Because Penn State was the top school to recruit him. Sam played football there.”
Nathan set his coffee cup down and stared at her in surprise. “Wait. Sam – Penn State. You’re not talking about Sam Patterson, are you? The quarterback for the Arizona Cardinals?”
Julia nodded. “That’s him. I’m guessing you know who he is?”
“Uh, yeah, he’s only like one of the top-rated quarterbacks in the NFL today. Jesus, you dated him for what – six years?”
“About that, yes.”
“Were you upset? I mean, when he told you he wanted to move on?”
She nodded. “I saw it coming, though. In our sophomore year of college, Sam was named the starting quarterback when someone else got injured. Suddenly he was way busier – more practices, press conferences, publicity. He told me he would get approached by people all the time who’d never known he existed before. Especially women.”
“Hmm. And being – what – nineteen, twenty years old? Guess that’s hard for a guy to resist too long, especially when his girl is three hours away.”
“That was most of it. We’d probably started drifting apart a bit before then anyway. At least Sam had the decency to tell me before he started dating other people.”
“Still, it must have been hard for you.”
“Yeah.” She studied her café au lait for long second. “I was more sad, I think, than upset. We’d been together for so long, been such a huge part of each other’s lives. But we were able to remain good friends. I still keep in contact with him, and even saw him briefly at Christmas when he came to visit his parents.”
“Were you able to move on?”
She blinked. “Eventually. But that didn’t turn out so well. I seem to have atrocious taste and very bad luck with men.”
Nathan flushed. “I’m guessing that’s a ding on me.”
“Not just you. I ought to have known better, going off with a complete stranger. But our ill-fated one night stand was nothing compared to the guy I was involved with after Sam.” She scooped a dollop of foam from her mug and licked it off her fingers. “I was with him for almost two years and never knew he was married. With a small child.”
He stared at her slack-jawed. “Shit. So when I told you I was engaged, you -“
“Felt cursed. Pissed off. Lied to. And royally screwed over once again. Hence the aforementioned bad luck. No, make that really, really shitty bad luck.”
Nathan ran a hand over his face. “I’m so sorry, Julia. For everything. For lying to you in New York. For being a total jerk to you when you moved here. And for treating you so roughly last night. I worried about you all night long.”
“Really?” she asked sarcastically. “That must have put a real damper on your evening with Cameron.”
“What?” He gaped, astonished. “Hell, please tell me you do not think I took her home and fucked her after what happened. Even I’m not that big of a douchebag.”
She stared at her plate, crumbling the last bit of her croissant into tiny pieces. “I have no idea what to think, Nathan. I mean, she is your fiancée, after all, and she seemed awfully amorous last night. Not to mention, it’s obvious she went to a lot of trouble to look hot for you.”
He gave a visible shudder. “It – wasn’t exactly a good look for her. Instead of being turned on like I’m sure she intended it was just the opposite.”
Julia held up a hand. “Okay. Stop right there. I really don’t want to hear this. Speaking of which, I think you’ve apologized sufficiently. Can I go now?”
He placed a hand on her forearm as she began to rise. “Not yet, no. I’m not finished. Hell, I’ve barely begun. Look at me, Julia.”
Reluctantly, she dragged her gaze up to his. “What?”
Nathan caressed her cheek with exquisite tenderness. “How could you possibly think I’d go to another woman after being with you? Believe me, baby, I had nothing left after that – nothing. Even if I had – God, I would have felt like a dirty manwhore being with someone else so soon afterwards.”
She closed her eyes, fighting off tears. “Yeah, well, now you know how I felt. Twice now. Used, dirty, -“
“Hush.” He placed two fingers over her lips. “God, don’t say things like that. You are so far from being dirty or cheap, Julia. You are the finest, most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
Her voice choked on a sob. “Then why did you treat me like a whore last night? The way you talked to me, taking me up against the wall. You didn’t even take your jacket off, for God’s sake.”
Nathan looked shocked at her words, the color draining from his face. “Oh, my God, baby. No, Julia, no. It wasn’t like that. Listen to me.” He gripped both of her hands urgently. “I was jealous, baby. So fucking out of my mind crazy jealous. I had to watch you all night long, looking so sexy, so hot that you almost set the room on fire. All I could think about was how much I needed to kiss you and touch you, especially wearing that goddamned dress that showed off every curve of your body.”
She flushed at his words. “Nathan, don’t -“
“Let me finish, because I’ll be damned if I want you thinking I treated you like a whore. Nothing is further from the truth,” he assured her.
“Go on,” she said tiredly.
He interlaced his fingers with hers. “I wanted you so badly but couldn’t do anything about it. Except to watch that bastard you brought along as your date touch you and stare at your tits. I kept getting more and more pissed off, and as a result kept drinking – a lot more than I normally do. And what made me even angrier was knowing I didn’t have any right at all to be jealous – no right to you at all. But that only made things worse. “
Julia was silent for an uncomfortably long while, not at all sure how to respond. “You really don’t have the right to be jealous, you know,” she murmured. “You told me to date whoever I wanted. So I did.”
“Yeah, and don’t think I wasn’t kicking myself all night long for having said that. Especially when I didn’t mean it. I’m aware of what a selfish asshole I am, Julia. I can’t offer you anything myself, and yet I don’t want anyone else to have you, either. When I saw you with him – Todd – I just went off the deep end a little. The thought that he was going to be the one to take you home and fuck you instead of me – it was more than I could handle. All I could think about was having you first, spoiling you for him. I wanted you to be so thoroughly fucked that there was no possible way you’d let him touch you.”
“Jesus.” She stared at him in disbelief. “That’s kind of sick, Nathan. And completely unreasonable. What am I supposed to do – live like a nun while you’re engaged to someone else? In what universe is that fair?”
“I never said it was fair or reasonable.” He looked chagrined. “I’m just telling you how I felt last night. I realize this whole situation is completely and utterly fucked up.”
She shook her head. “I should have never taken this job. And when I realized you were my employer, I should have quit. We’re fooling ourselves by thinking we can work together anymore. It’s – this is too hard for me, Nathan.”
“I know, baby. And I’ve made it even more difficult for you, haven’t I? Telling you on the one hand that we have to be strictly professional with each other, keeping my distance from you, but still wanting you on the other hand, so much that I was like a psycho stalker last night.” He squeezed her hand. “Please tell me I didn’t hurt you. I know I was rough and you felt so tight.”
“You didn’t hurt me. I obviously enjoyed what we did. It – I haven’t been with anyone else since you last September. And no, I didn’t do anything with Todd last night, either. He was too busy fielding texts from other women.”
“He’s a loser. He doesn’t even deserve to be in the same room with you.” He brought her hand to his lips. “But then, neither do I. I hope – some of the things I said – the dirty talk -“
She gave him a small smile. “It’s okay. You must know that it’s a huge turn-on for me. Talking dirty didn’t make me feel dirty, Nathan. It’s what you did afterwards that made me feel like a whore.”
“Going home with Cameron.” At her nod, he exhaled deeply. “I know. She was furious, by the way. That I drank too much and wasn’t in the mood for – uh, you know.”
Julia turned her face away. “Yes, I get the picture. And I suppose I should say I’m sorry but I’m really, really not. The way you felt about Todd last night – imagine feeling that way all the time.”
“It would fucking kill me to imagine you belonging to someone else,” he whispered. “Julia – it’s not the same with her, believe me. I don’t feel-“
“No details, okay?” she interrupted harshly. “And no comparisons. And I hope like hell that I’m not going to get some sort of third party disease or infection from her. In case you forgot, you didn’t use a condom last night.”
“No, but I always use one with her.” At Julia’s quizzical expression he explained further. “Oh, she’s on birth control – when she remembers to take it, that is. After the third time she forgot to take a pill, I decided I couldn’t rely on her anymore and always use a condom no matter what.” He gave her hand another squeeze. “I hope that helps to set your worries at ease. As well as know that you’re the only woman I’ve ever been inside bare.”
Julia felt her cheeks grow hot. “Um, should I be flattered at that knowledge?”
He chuckled. “I don’t know about flattered, but it’s certainly the truth. When I met you again that night in New York and knew we were really going to happen, I didn’t want anything between us. You were perfect, we were perfect together.”
She pulled her hand from his grasp and reached for her yoga bag. “Until the night was over and reality set in, that is. I need to go, Nathan. I can’t talk about this anymore. It’s too hard.”
“I know, baby. I just needed to tell you how sorry I am and make sure you’re okay.”
Her eyes shimmered with tears. “But I’m not okay, don’t you get it? I don’t mean physically – I already told you that. But this is wrecking me emotionally, Nathan. It’s why I have to find another job, not see you anymore. It breaks my heart every single day to see you and want you so much but know you belong to someone else. If this keeps up much longer, I’m going to be like Angela – a shell of her former self.”
“Christ, what a mess.” He buried his face in his hands. “I’ve managed to fuck up both of our lives, haven’t I? Julia – don’t leave your job. Please. We’ll work something out. I – I’ve got some hard decisions to make. And soon.”
“What sort of decisions?”
He picked an imaginary piece of lint from his sweater, avoiding her gaze. “I need to decide if staying with Cameron while I’m so obviously attracted to you is fairer to her than breaking off our engagement and hurting her.”
“Well, you certainly can’t ask her opinion on the matter, can you?” she asked bitterly. “And I’m sure you can guess my choice. Sorry, but you’re on your own with this one.”
“Yeah, I’ve pretty much figured that out already.” He blew out a breath. “Just – have a little patience with me, okay? This isn’t easy, Julia. One way or another somebody gets hurt. And that’s the last thing I ever intended to happen.”
“I’ll try, Nathan. But don’t make things harder for me in the interim, okay? In fact, unless it’s about business, please leave me alone,” she pleaded.
“Julia -“
She stood and picked up her mat bag. “I mean it. I’ve been in this sort of situation before, remember? I won’t ever be the other woman again. So unless you’re going to tell me your engagement is broken, it’s strictly business from here on. Thanks for the coffee.”
Slinging the bag over her shoulder, she strode out of the coffeehouse without a backwards glance.