Seth... Saved by Mar-Gerrison, Heather (1)

Seth...Saved...

Studs & Steel #7

 

Heather Mar-Gerrison copyright 2018

 

 

Beautiful front cover design courtesy of

Selfpubbookcovers/viergacht

 

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronically or mechanically, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system without the written permission of the author, except where permitted by law. This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. The Author holds exclusive rights to this work.

 

 

 

 

Seth

 

I woke up. For a second, just like every morning, I turned over, expecting to see her next to me – for a second I forgot that my life was over...

Then, as it did every single day, it all hit me again. My chest ached with the overwhelming feeling of loss. My skin started to tingle, and I was almost able to feel the burning through my clothes.

I was reliving the car accident. Hearing her screaming again, as loud as if we were right there, going through it all again and then finally the gut-twisting, ominous silence. And even though her screams of pain were quite possibly the most awful sound I’d ever heard in my life, the silence was worse – because that meant she’d gone. And she was never coming back...

 

 

Chapter 1 – Interview nerves....

 

Joel

 

I was excited. Well, I was excited in a terrified sort of way. More terrified if I’m gonna be completely honest about it – but excited all the same...

I might have been a disappointment to the rest of my family – not that they’d ever be rude enough to say so – but I didn’t want to follow in any of their footsteps and particularly not Harley’s. The idea of putting my life on the line, day in, day out, like he did was horrifying.

And the funny thing was, that he was as hard as nails, even though he was far more the ‘gay as a rainbow’ type than I was. I really didn’t look gay – no one had any idea unless I came out and told them straight that I was gay – not that I ever did because I was still undecided and well, it wasn’t really anyone else’s business anyway. I was pretty sure I leaned more towards fancying guys, but I could still appreciate a pretty female face – it was the rest of the package that I found hard to really appreciate. I really did like cock...

Regardless of the way I looked in comparison to my older brother, I couldn’t possibly do what he did. That night, all those months ago (Jesus, had it really been that long?) when I went on his ‘Take your child to work day’ had been enough for me...

Now, obviously I wasn’t Harley’s child – I was his younger brother, but Mum had insisted I go along to see what a ‘proper job’ looked like. I will never forgive her. That night traumatised me for life...

The evening had started out quite slowly and I was beginning to think that Harley was a right old fraud and that his job was eating doughnuts and drinking coffee... Then we got the call that changed all of our lives...

“Report of an accident on the B6995. Early indications suggest that it’s a hit and run; there seems to be only one vehicle at the scene. It’s an overturned car with at least one occupant trapped. Possible multiple casualties, anyone in the vicinity, please attend immediately.”

Harley looked at his work partner for the evening, some older guy called Roger, “That’s just around the corner from here, isn’t it?” He asked.

Roger nodded. He picked up the radio, “Roger that.” He said, which struck me as rather amusing since it was his name and I’d always had a childish sense of humour and thought names like Roger were ever so slightly rude.

As we pulled up, I took in the scene. It was chaotic to say the least. Clearly it had been a high speed smash. There was debris all over the road. The car, an American muscle-car by the looks of it was looking sorry for itself with the front end smashed up. It was now empty of any passengers. An ambulance was just leaving – presumably with the occupant or occupants of the car. The other car was in a much worse way – on its roof and on fire. I swallowed. This really wasn’t looking good...

 “Stay in the car, Joel.” Harley barked as he opened his door.

Stay in the car? Fuck that. People needed help – they could be dying... I unclipped my seat belt and got out of the car.

The sound that reached my ears above all of the other noises going on – cracking glass and groaning metal of the car heating up with the flames that were licking around the bonnet, was of the sobs of the heartbroken young guy that was trying his damnedest to get back into the car. His heartbreak was going to stay with me forever, I was sure... I’d never heard anything like it before in my life and I never wanted to hear it again. The guy was fucking distraught.

I knew, deep down that what I was going to see wouldn’t be pretty. Of course I did. But I followed Harley towards the burning car regardless and I was shocked to my core by what I saw. Harley was doing his best to reason with the distraught guy. But it wasn’t just that he was distraught. He was covered in blood – surely it couldn’t all have been his own? There was surely too much blood on him for it to all be his? Fuck. Whoever was trapped in the car had to be in a bad way too, then... I took another step towards them and realised that Harley was wrestling him to the ground and rolling him from side to side. Fuck. He was trying to put flames out on his clothes. Fuck. He was burning... I swallowed but it was futile. My mouth just kept filling up with more and more saliva and I knew I was going to be sick. He had burns to his arms and hands, his skin was shiny red and wet looking – and yet he was still screaming that his girlfriend needed saving. Fuck. What the hell was he doing? He was in such a bad way. He needed to go to hospital – now. This was too much for me. I turned and puked my guts up. I knew now why Harley had told me to stay in the car... I was such a lightweight when it came to stuff like this. Hell, I couldn’t even cope with a paper-cut...

I turned back. The burned guy was still crying and sobbing and having absolutely none of it. He was going crazy that his wife or girlfriend or whoever it was still trapped inside the car had to be got out.

Harley was yelling at him that she was already dead and that he was going to go up with the car if he didn’t move and that he had to leave her there. Finally all the fight went out of the guy and Harley managed to pull him away. We all ran for cover as the car exploded.

I felt sick again as I sat and watched the car burn and tried not to think about the person inside it. I tried my best to just tune it all out. I had no idea Harley had to deal with stuff like this on a pretty much day-to-day basis. I’d kind of thought it was all someone else that did that. And call me naïve, but it had never really occurred to me that they sometimes couldn’t get people out of burning cars. I thought the emergency services were some kind of super-heroes. That they always managed to get the victims out... That poor woman. She’d died for sure...

 

*

 

“So, the uh, the woman in the car died?” I asked quietly. Well, obviously... stupid question Joel.

Harley nodded, “She was already dead, mate,” he replied wearily, “She was hanging there, staring straight ahead. She’d already gone… he just couldn’t... he didn’t want to accept it...”

I swallowed hard. The poor bastard. He must have really loved her... “And what about the distraught guy?”

“Well, he has some pretty bad burns, cuts and severe bruising to his upper body – and his left leg was damaged badly. He’s broken his femur – that’s the bone at the top.”

I already knew that. Harley sometimes thought that he had to educate me... I stared at him, “But he was running around like a lunatic…” I said, looking at my brother aghast. How the fuck had he managed that?

Harley nodded, “Adrenalin.” He said, “It makes people super-human at times.”

I nodded, dragging my hands down my face. I was still in shock. “Fuck. That was heavy stuff.” Stuff I never wanted to witness again for as long as I lived.

“Yeah, he’s been put into an induced coma – and that’s probably for the best. Losing the love of his life and all…”

I frowned. The love of his life? That was a little presumptuous of my brother, wasn’t it? “We don’t know that.” I said. We had no idea what the set up was with their family. How did we know that she hadn’t deliberately run them off the road? That they hadn’t had a domestic and it was a deliberate act and that he was just distraught by what he’d done to make her want to do that? All kinds of things happened to people...

Harley nodded, “Uh, actually, we do this time.” He looked completely worn down with life in that moment. I frowned at him. What the hell was he talking about? “It was Seth. Our Seth,” he added at my blank look, “you know who I mean – my mate from the club that Alfie works at. He’s the barman there – you almost lost your shit over him at the wedding...”

My jaw dropped, “Oh, my God…” I’d hardly ‘lost my shit’, as he so eloquently put it, but it was the guy I’d been admiring at Harley and Alfie’s wedding only a few weeks ago. I hadn’t recognised him as the same beautiful guy when he was covered in blood and screaming and crying… Fuck...

I bit my lip. Was it too weird that I wanted to see how he was doing? I didn’t even know him but I just had to know that he was going to be okay. “Can I go and see him?” I asked quietly.

Harley shrugged, “I guess you can – but don’t go getting any stupid romantic ideas about this guy, Joel. I’ve already told you he’s straight – and it’s going to take him a lifetime to get over losing Siobhan – he absolutely worshipped the ground she walked on…”

I nodded, “I know that.” I mumbled, suddenly feeling mortally embarrassed that my brother had just about read my mind. “I just don’t want him being alone.” I added lamely, my face bright red and my palms beginning to sweat. “No one’s come to see him.”

Harley nodded. Sighing, he rubbed his eyes. It had never really occurred to me how hard it must be to tell someone that a loved one had died, but he’d just come off the phone and he was white-faced. “I’ve called Peyton. He’s on his way now. Thank God Will’s okay – if a little shaken. He doesn’t know his mother’s dead yet – Peyton’s gonna tell him.”

I blinked, Peyton... of course. He was the little kid’s dad... He’d be devastated about Siobhan too – they still loved each other even if they weren’t romantically involved... And to have to tell a child... Christ. I shook my head. Something awful had just occurred to me, “Oh, my God, Harley,” I murmured, wondering if I should voice my fears, “Do you think this could still be related to that lunatic who shot him?”

Harley nodded, “Wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest.” He said, “Either way, we’ve got a murder investigation to figure out now. Blaine and Denny are on their way too.”

I nodded. Everyone seemed to love Seth – but where the fuck was his family? Why wasn’t anyone like a parent or a brother or sister here for him? “Where is Seth?” I asked.

He showed me the way to Seth’s room. I stood outside for a long time before I went in.

He was on a ventilator and he was wrapped up in so many bandages that he looked like a mummy.

His face was, thankfully, not badly burnt. He’d only got a small burn on the side of his face that would hopefully not scar. His chest and arms were another matter though. The nurses were pretty concerned that there might be extensive scarring. Not that that mattered – he was still alive. That was all that mattered to me. He’d survived... He was still here... He was still straight... Shit.

 

*

 

Anyway, I’ve digressed enough. Like I said earlier – I was excited and nervous for the interview. Mostly because I knew I’d get to see Seth again.

None of my mates were gay so I couldn’t very well ask them to casually go along to the Studs and Steel nightclub with me and the only time I’d seen him since he came out of his coma was at Studs on his first night back in the saddle. Harley and Alfie had insisted we all go to support him and I’d been beside myself wondering if Simon, who had seen me at the hospital a few times in the early days would rat me out... Seth had no idea that I’d gone in every day to see him during those first few weeks when he’d been in a coma, to talk to him – even though he didn’t hear a word of what I said to him. I just went so he wasn’t alone... No family members were ever around while I was there, just a whole bunch of his friends.

I had no idea what sort of a family he came from but it couldn’t have been anything like mine. My mother would have slept in a bed at my side if that had happened to me. I was absolutely sure of that...

It wasn’t just because Seth worked at the club that I wanted the job, although I’m not gonna deny it – that was a pretty big part of it.

Ever since Harley had been stationed at the Studs and Steel nightclub a couple of years back, I’d wanted to be a dancer there. It had sounded so glamorous and so damned sexy. It wasn’t because I was one of the ghoulish types that wanted to be around all the drama of what had happened with the owner and his family – no, I just wanted to be watched by all the guys on a podium. Shallow? Yeah, maybe I was... but I was also good at dancing and stony broke – this new job was going to be good for me.

I had an interview in the morning and I was nervous, sure – but also hopeful. I hadn’t actually done any serious dancing since Harley and Alfie’s wedding but a couple of the regular dancers had left, leaving an opening and Simon, the guy who I’d repeatedly bumped into at the hospital when Seth was in his coma, had suggested my name and finally, an opening had come up and I was in...

Rob, the manager of the club had contacted me to see if I was still interested. Interested? Of course I was interested! And so here I was. I was a little scared that I wouldn’t be able to remember any of my moves if I was asked to show what I could do but what did I know about interviews for dancing jobs? They might not even ask to see what I could do again – I’d shown what I could do all those months ago at my brother’s wedding...

When I thought on it, I guess it was all down to my brother getting married to his dancer boyfriend that I had the interview at all. Being his favourite sibling, I was, naturally, his best man... and that was how I’d ended up on the podium at the end of the night with Alfie and River. Totally egged on by the rest of the guys, it hadn’t really taken much encouragement to get me up there to flaunt my moves and that was when my eyes had met with Seth’s for the very first time when I couldn’t help glancing across the room. Hell, I’d been sneaking looks at him all night – but this time he was actually watching the show with a little smile on his beautiful face.

 

*

 

I arrived at the club early. Certainly no patrons were going to be around at this time of day and I wasn’t sure how many of the staff would be around either.

I parked up and walked purposefully across the car park to the entrance of the club. I pushed the door expecting it to be locked.

It swung open easily and I went inside a little tentatively, expecting to be yelled at any second by a cop dressed head to toe in combat gear... yeah I do have a very over-active imagination...

I peeked around the corner that opened out into the main area and smiled. This place was awesome...

The changes that Rob had made to the club – enabling me to get a job there in the first place, were incredible. Where the bar used to be in the corner by the main entrance, it now stretched all the way down the side of the club where the seating booths used to be. There was still stainless steel and glass mirrors as far as the eye could see. As I looked around, I realised that a lot of it was reflection and that it wasn’t actually as massive as it first appeared. The last time I’d been here was during working hours and it had been lit for the evening. In the dark it just seemed to go on forever. Clever...

This was actually my second interview. Rob had been so short of time when I turned up the first time a couple of months ago, we’d re-scheduled. He’d assured me that there were no other hopeful dancers in the picture and this was just the formal bit since he now had room for me, so I already kind of knew I had the job.

I glanced back at the bar and was surprised to see that I wasn’t actually alone.

There was a guy behind the bar... And oh, my God – it was Seth. He was looking different to the last time I saw him, but still every bit as beautiful as he always did... He was sporting a little facial hair, which he’d never had before. I thought I knew why – the last time I’d seen him, it was still obvious that his face was a little scarred from the accident and the smattering of dark facial hair really did detract from it very well. He looked utterly delectable and I just wanted to gather him up in my arms and kiss him until I couldn’t breathe anymore...

Fighting down the urge – and the boner that had decided to awaken in my boxers, I went over to him, “Excuse me?” I asked.

He looked up, his eyes looked red and tired but he smiled brightly at me, “Oh, good morning.” He said, “Joel, isn’t it?”

I nodded, “Uh, yeah.” I said in some surprise that he’d remembered my name.

I tried my best not to read anything into it. He was just professional and good at remembering names... “I’m here to see Rob.” I said, relieved that my voice had come out normally and not all squeaky, showing my nervousness.

He nodded, “Sure, sure.” He said, “If you’d like to follow me, I’ll take you to his office.”

I followed him. The accident had left him with a slight limp – hardly a surprise to say he was running around on it while it was broken and then all the trouble he’d had with the infection and everything afterwards. Fuck. He was lucky to still have his leg... Apart from that slight flaw, he was fucking perfect. He was tall and kind of willowy in appearance – with beautiful hair that framed his face in loose curls, massive dark brown eyes that would, hopefully, someday, glow with happiness again – and a great arse, I couldn’t help noticing. Fuck. I’d seriously like to see him without so many clothes on...

 

 

Chapter 2 – Waking up...

 

Seth

 

I refused to accept that the sight of Joel again had any affect on me at all. I was just tired, that was all – working till three am and then getting up to be here for the interview at ten was, after all, kind of gruelling.

I hadn’t been affected by anyone at all in the last few months since Siobhan had been killed and I hadn’t even wanted the guys to throw me a ‘back-to-work’ party, thinking it was kind of disrespectful to her memory – what the hell was there to celebrate? But then I got to wondering if I was maybe just over-indulging myself in my self-pity. Peyton was taking the time to come – and he’d loved her almost as much as I had. Kody was staying home with Will. In the end I’d figured that it was just churlish of me to ask them not to.

Right at the end of the night, Harley’s brother appeared. To begin with I couldn’t place him but then I realised who he was. He’d been Harley’s best man at their wedding, and the more I thought about it, the more I really couldn’t deny that I’d noticed how very attractive he was at their wedding ceremony.

 My back-to-work party had been exhausting, but once again I couldn’t deny that he got my attention. I probably wouldn’t have even noticed him at all had he not gotten on a podium with Alfie and River but he did – and he totally shook his booty and all of a sudden, I was intrigued...

I’d pushed it right to the back of my mind the morning after – it had to have just been the shots – I always got kind of silly when I did shots but doing shots when I hadn’t been allowed to drink for the best part of five months was bordering on suicidal... Being ridiculously drunk, I’d put it down to that. Hell, I’d only lost my girlfriend five months ago. There was no way I was going to be interested in someone new – and there was also the small fact that Joel was very much a guy – and I was straight.

Still, I couldn’t deny that as much as I’d buried my curiosity about him, his name automatically sprung straight to the front of my mind when Chase and Roger both left within a few short weeks of each other and we became seriously short of dancers.

I’d suggested his name to Rob who had smiled and nodded and said that Joel really must be good because Simon had suggested him to him in the first place and he was already shortlisted. I’d been a little taken-aback that Simon even knew him. He never usually took much notice of anyone...

I was uncomfortably aware of my limp as I led Joel to Rob’s office. I really didn’t like the fact that he’d be able to see how badly I walked.

What the hell had I been thinking, agreeing to be here this morning? It occurred to me that I was far too aware of Joel. Was he watching the way I walked? Was it obvious that I limped now? Did I walk in any particular way? Was he watching me? Or was he just looking around the rather impressive building? Fuck. I wish I knew...

I turned and Joel jumped a little and averted his gaze, which, I have to admit seemed to be aimed at my backside. I could have been mistaken. Hell, I had to have been mistaken. He wasn’t going to be checking me out. Not now... Not since... Not that it mattered anyway... he didn’t need to know that I was having all these strange thoughts about him. He wouldn’t be interested in me anyway.

I was invisible these days. Well, to the opposite sex in any case... and more than likely the same sex too... I did my job and I went home. I spend the weekends with Will, going to the park and visiting different theme parks or museums or just going shopping to a new place that we’d not been to before. I was okay and Will was definitely coming out of his darkness from losing his mother. One day, maybe, I’d follow suit...

But I’d loved life with Siobhan. Loved being the man in her life. Loved being Will’s stepdad. Sure he had his real dad – and his dad’s partner too. Hell, Will told anyone who’d listen that he had three dads but no mum, which I found charming and heart breaking all at the same time. He and I had a special bond and as much as we still had that – Siobhan wasn’t there too... and I missed her so much, sometimes I felt as if I just wanted to die...

I knocked on Rob’s office door and then opened it a little, “Rob?” I called out.

“In here.” He called back.

“Joel Fitzgerald is here to see you.”

Rob appeared at the door with a big welcoming smile on his face, “Ah, Mr Fitzgerald,” he stuck his hand out to Joel, who I couldn’t help noticing, grabbed it heartily and shook it.

I smiled at him and turned to leave them both to it. Rob clearly had other ideas, “Seth – join us – you can give Joel an insight as to what he can expect.”

Supressing a sigh, I nodded, “Sure.” I agreed and followed Joel into the office. It was my turn to check out his great arse... What was that? I was not checking his arse out... I wasn’t...

 

 

Chapter 3 – Labels...

 

Joel

 

I’ve got to be honest, I can hardly remember what Rob was saying for most of the interview. I was far too aware of Seth’s presence in the room. I hadn’t expected that he’d be part of the interview process and I was horribly nervous. I probably made a total tit of myself with the way I stuttered and stammered my way through the whole thing but I must have said or done something right – because I got the job anyway.

I remember everything Seth said – and the way his eyes crinkled in the corners when he smiled, even thought they were still awfully sad-looking. My heart squeezed painfully in my chest for him. I just wanted to see him happy again.

He had the most deliciously deep voice when he spoke, although his tone was soft and almost melodious. He advised me that I should make my boundaries clear from the outset. If I didn’t want punters touching me or assuming that I was up for anything once I’d climbed down from my podium for my break, that I was to be firm with them – and the easiest way was to probably make up a boyfriend, “Unless you already have one, of course – and then it’s real easy.” He smiled again and raised one perfectly groomed eyebrow.

My dick instantly took an interest. Was he subtly checking if I was dating? No of course he wasn’t. Don’t be stupid Joel.

I nodded, “Yeah, good idea.” I said, “I don’t really fancy the idea of being mauled...”

Rob chuckled, “Well, you say that now – wait until the pheromones hit you.”

I shot a slightly alarmed look at Seth who grinned back at me and shook his head, “Relax, Joel – I’ll be right behind the bar every night – if you need my help, just shout out.”

I nodded. “Thanks.” I said. I would definitely be shouting him...

Rob eyed me with interest, “So, do you have a boyfriend?” He asked, “Or is that too presumptuous of me – you could of course have a girlfriend.”

I nodded, “I could have a girlfriend,” I agreed, “Since I haven’t really decided if I’m gay or bi yet,” I shrugged, “But I’m not really into labels – I just fancy who I fancy, you know?”

Rob smiled, “Yeah,” he said, “My son’s like that – he dated one of the regular dancers, River, for a while – but now he has a wife and a child.” He shrugged, “Live and let live, I say.”

Well, that was a refreshing attitude.

Seth had gone quiet. I sneaked a sideways glance at him and saw that he was looking down at his hands. There were tears in his eyes and to my dismay, one rolled down his cheek.

I swear, if Rob hadn’t been there, I’d have shot out of my seat and wrapped him in a hug. I’d have kissed away his tears and got him to talk about it. He needed to get it out of his system. His girlfriend had been dead for six months... He needed someone else to fill the void she’d left...

He needed me.

 

*

 

Rob must have noticed that Seth was distressed, since he asked him if he could bring in some coffee. Once he’d disappeared out of the room, Rob turned to me, “What do you know about Seth?” He asked.

I blinked. How much was I supposed to be allowed to know? How much did Rob know about me and my visits to the hospital whilst he was in his coma? Harley had assured me that he and Alfie had never breathed a word but Simon had seen me there too and he’d put in the first good word for me with Rob so you never knew what it was he’d said back then... “Um...”

Rob smiled, “Harley knows everything about it – from a personal perspective and from his job – so my question to you is this. What do you know about it?”

I cleared my throat, “Well, I know he was in a relationship with Peyton McKenzie’s ex-girlfriend.” I hedged.

He nodded, “And?”

“And that he really loved her – and that he was in the car accident that killed her – and that he couldn’t save her and he’s been traumatised ever since.” All of this came out in a bit of rush, because I really didn’t want Seth coming back in to hear me gossiping about him.

Rob nodded, “Okay – so you know that he’s still in a pretty bad place.”

I nodded, “I guess.”

He smiled, “He has more good days than bad now.” He smiled again, “I think you’ll be a good addition to the team.”

Did he think I might be good for him? “Th-thanks.” I said a little breathlessly.

He eyes me shrewdly, “Seth’ll be a good friend to you. Be a good friend to him too, won’t you?”

I nodded. My heart started to thump in my chest like a good ‘un, “I will.” I said, “You can count on it.” I’d be a whole lot more than that, given half the chance...

Rob smiled, “I thought I could.” He said, “Do you want to start tonight? Get a feel for the place and then we’ll start you properly, with fixed nights to work on from next week?”

I nodded enthusiastically. The longer I was in Seth’s presence, the better as far as I was concerned. “Sure, what nights will I get?”

He chewed his bottom lip, “Well, since Chase and Roger have now left – and since Simon’s gone really part time, giving more hours to that fabulous new business of his and Bailey’s, we’ve had to ask River, Alfie and Thai to increase their shifts – and they’ve done it quite willingly, but if you could do the nights that Roger used to do, we’ll be able to let River and Alfie go back to their regular hours – Simon was pretty flexible between dancing and bartending anyway – he was more often than not collecting glasses and helping out behind the bar than on his podium. Thai’s happy enough to cover Chase’s hours since he only did one night a week anyway and I’m sure well be able to fill Simon’s shoes at some point – but I know River and Alfie will appreciate the time back.”

I nodded, “Sure.” What nights were those, though?

Rob grinned, “Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday to start with – and I might ask you to work Sunday’s in the future too – do you think you can do that?”

Could I do that? Could I spend more time with the beautiful Seth? Fuck, yeah, I totally could.

 

 

Chapter 4 – Nothing more than that...

 

Seth

 

I refused to acknowledge the little bubble of excitement in the pit of my belly that Joel was going to be working at the club. I’d had a kebab the night before on my way home from work and I was far happier lying to myself and putting it down to that not agreeing with me...

Joel had left an hour ago and was due back tonight for his first practice shift. Rob was keen to let me know that he wanted me to be his kind of mentor.

“He’s only young, Seth – and we don’t want another case like Alfie.”

I nodded, “He’s not as naïve as Alfie was.” I said, “And he has Harley as an older brother too – he’s not stupid, Rob.”

Rob smiled, “I never said he was either of those things but I’d still like you to show him the ropes – I think it might be good for both of you.”

I raised an eyebrow. I was totally getting the impression that I was being pushed towards the guy. Not that I was complaining... “I may have mentioned this before,” I said as patiently as I could, since I couldn’t stand people interfering in my personal life, “but I’ll say it again, just in case you missed it, I’m straight.” Ish...

Rob scratched his chin thoughtfully. “You weren’t all that straight when you were giving that big black guy head on the sofa a couple of years back.”

Fuck. Why did everyone always focus on my faux pas? I shrugged, feeling my face heating up. He’d been hot. “Drunk.” I said.

Rob rolled his eyes and nodded, “I’ve never been that drunk.” He countered.

I looked him in the eye, “Well, he was sexy – and he had a big dick that he kept getting out and I guess I must have been horny.”

Rob crossed his arms across his chest, “Most straight guys wouldn’t look twice. I think you’re bisexual, Seth – and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

I shrugged, “I don’t want a label putting on me.” I muttered, echoing Joel’s words from earlier. I was damned sure that I was fucking straight – so what if I’d been curious in the past and I’d experimented? That was normal and lots of straight guys experimented – so why couldn’t anyone else see that?

Rob grinned, “Then we won’t – but you’ve got to stop putting obstacles in the way of being happy again. Joel’s a nice kid. He’s good-looking, he’s single – and he’s totally got the hots for you.”

I nodded. It wasn’t hard to see that he’d found me attractive. God only knew why, with my scars and my limp. “I’ll look out for him.” I said, “But there’ll be nothing more to it than that.”

 

 

Chapter 5 – First night nerves...

 

Joel

 

I was sat at the bar. Frozen to the spot with terror was probably closer to the truth. I’d gotten the most dreadful case of stage fright. I’d been fine when I’d been dancing at Harley and Alfie’s wedding – and then again when I’d had a go on the day of my interview – but right now...

“I can’t remember any of my moves.” I said to Seth in a panic.

He chuckled and shook his head. Pushing a cup towards me, he smiled, “Drink that.” He said, “It’ll calm your nerves.”

I eyed the pale lemony-green liquid suspiciously, “What the fuck is that?” I asked, pulling a face.

He smiled, “Nothing sinister, I promise you – it’s camomile tea.”

I nodded, “Ah, right.” Mum drank it before bed... I pulled the cup towards me and sniffed. It was definitely camomile. “Smells like home.” I murmured taking a sip.

He smiled, “Yeah,” he agreed, looking pleased that I liked it, “It really does, doesn’t it?”

I drank it all and whether it was the camomile that relaxed me or if it was just being with Seth – I felt instantly better.

Seth nodded towards my podium, “You’ll be fine you know – once you’re up there.”

I nodded, chewing my lip nervously, “Yeah,” I agreed, “Remind me again why I decided this was going to be a good idea?”

Seth chuckled, the beautiful sound making my dick twitch, “Because you’re really good at it.” He said, “And you’ll know that yourself too, once the music starts to vibrate through your whole body.”

I nodded. It was true. The music really did have an amazing effect on loosening me up. “Will you rescue me if some guy starts feeling me up?”

Seth nodded, “I said I’d look after you and I will.” He promised.

Thank fuck for that... “Thanks Seth, you’re a real friend.”

He smiled and went a little pink, but he didn’t say anything else.

The next second, the moment was totally ruined by Thai. He clapped me on the back and grinned at me, “So newbie, do you think you can handle dancing with me tonight?”

I nodded, “Uh, sure.” I said, swallowing down the awful feeling of sickness that was threatening to engulf me again, “I think I can do that.”

He winked, “We’ll have them eating out of the palms of our hands.” He said, “Five minutes – okay?”

I nodded, “Five minutes,” I said faintly. Turning to Seth I slid off my stool quickly, “Oh, man.” I said, “I need the bathroom.”

He lifted the section of the bar that allowed the staff through to the back and I shot through the gap and ran to the bathroom, “Stop panicking!” he shouted after me with a very definite chuckle. Easy for him to say...

 

 

Chapter 6 – Best Dad I could be...

 

Seth

 

I watched Joel with not a little pride. He was amazing up there. And I knew he would be – he’d just got a little bit scared, that was all.

It was almost time for his break and I’d got to admit, I was feeling a little nervous for him. The guys were definitely interested in the fresh meat...

It was quite disgusting how some of them looked at the dancers – as if they were just there to be taken advantage of.

Guys like River and Thai took it all in their stride. But others were a little less flirtatious and just wanted to dance – and Alfie and Joel definitely fitted into that category. Simon had had a foot in both camps depending on his mood but since he’d met Bailey, they were far too busy getting their fledgling tattooing business together off the ground for him to come along anymore – he’d left on good terms with Rob and came back and danced occasionally – with Bailey, who was also pretty flexible. They looked amazing together.

Everyone was pairing off these days. It was depressing... I’d thought I’d found the one in Siobhan. Well, I had found the one. She wasn’t supposed to die at only twenty-six leaving me feeling like a widower even though we’d never actually gotten married. We hadn’t even gotten engaged. I was going to ask her at on her birthday – but she didn’t make it...

I missed her so much and I missed Will, her son. I got to see him quite a lot of the time since his dad, Peyton, was a busy man building up his empire – and Kody, his partner, still worked full time allowing me to help out. Since I worked in the evenings I was always available to pick the little guy up from school – but it wasn’t like it had been in the old days when I got to watch kids TV with him and then show him how to bake cakes and cookies – and tuck him up in bed at night and read all of his favourite books to him before snuggling up on the sofa with Siobhan before we made our own way to bed...

I might not have been perfect, but I was the best stepdad I could be and I’d loved being his stepdad. It wasn’t the same anymore. Will still loved spending time with me but the sadness of losing his mother was still with him – well, it was still with all of us. She’d been amazing...

I swallowed. I’d be bawling my eyes out again in a second if I didn’t drag myself out of my self-pity.

I looked up at Joel’s podium and a thrill of apprehension went through me. Fuck. He wasn’t there... How long had I been daydreaming? He must be on his way back to the bar... It wasn’t that far but I couldn’t see him anywhere... So, where the hell was he, then? Shit. I was supposed to be looking out of him...

Some guy could have decided to take advantage of him... I abandoned my section of the bar completely. Guys were just gonna have to wait for cocktails or go to the others... I tore down the dance floor to the bathrooms. There was no way he was going to get into a situation on my watch...

“Joel!” I yelled as I catapulted myself through the door, “You okay, mate?”

“In here!” He yelled back.

Fuck. He was in a cubicle? Was he with a guy? Or alone?

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“Some guy,” he panted, “Bigger than me – dragged me in here.” He sounded so out of breath.

Fuck. My blood ran cold. He’d been attacked and I hadn’t been there for him. “What did he do to you?” I demanded in a panic.

The door opened and there was the guy, slumped against the cubicle wall, sat on the toilet, fully clothed – skimpy as they were... “Nothing.” He said with a grin.

I blinked. “Oh.” I said, my heart rate beginning to return to normal as relief flooded through me, “What happened?”

Joel shrugged, “I was taught self-defence when I was younger. I just put it to good use.”

I frowned, “Well, I’m glad you did but I’m horrified that you had to do that – we’ll get Buzz to throw this loser out. He won’t be coming back.”

Joel nodded. He smiled at me, “Hey, thanks for coming to my rescue.” He nudged my arm, “That’s kind of a turn-on.”

I shook my head, “Fuck off, Joel.” I said with a laugh, “I’m straight.”

He nodded, “Yeah, yeah I know... that’s too bad.”

“I’ll pour you a drink.” I said, “Come to the bar when you’re ready.” I went back to the bar feeling heartily relieved that Joel hadn’t been hurt by the guy. His words ringing in my ears, “yeah, I know... that’s too bad...”

Shaking my head I got back behind the bar and set about making him his lemonade.

 

 

Chapter 7 – More than I bargained for...

 

Joel

 

I was exceedingly relieved that Seth had finally gotten himself out of his depression and come to find me. The guy who’d gotten over-friendly wasn’t all that bad but he wasn’t taking no for an answer and the only thing I could think of when he’d wrestled me into the men’s bathroom was to knock him out with a swift heel of the hand under his nose. He went down like a pack of cards and then all I had to do was put him somewhere safe. I was in the process of doing just that when Seth arrived. His voice had sounded panicked. Panicked for me... So, maybe there was hope yet.

Dancing on my podium had been awesome up to then and I was keen to get back up there for my next session but first I wanted to hydrate... and to have a chat with the lovely Mr Matthews...

“So what were you thinking about while I was fighting off Mr Muscles in there?”

Seth looked at me sheepishly, “I was just thinking about Siobhan.” He said.

My jaw dropped. Harley had told me that he never talked about Siobhan... “Oh, right.” I nodded, “wanna talk about it?”

He put a glass of lemonade down in front of me. “No.” He said shortly.

Fair enough... Clearly it hadn’t occurred to him that he’d started the discussion off by mentioning her. I’d just have to let him talk about it in his own time...

I necked my drink in seconds. “No peace for the wicked.” I said with a wink as I slid off the bar stool and stood up.

Seth smiled, “You’re doing great.” He said, “And Mr Muscles won’t be bothering you again. Buzz just confirmed that he’s put him in a taxi.”

I nodded, “Cool.” I said. I felt a little sorry for the guy having his night cut short – he was just after a good time, but things might have gotten ugly had I not been able to handle myself, so it was probably for the best...

 

 

Chapter 8 – Look but don’t touch...

 

Seth

 

The weeks flew by and Joel’s performances went from strength to strength – as did his reputation of being a ‘look but don’t touch’ performer. We hadn’t really had one of those before.

He was intriguing. He was beautiful and he seemed to be permanently single, making me wonder what, or rather whom it was that he was saving himself for...

It was Tuesday and I was feeling anxious. I had no idea why. I’d felt like it all day yesterday too, unable to settle to anything and feeling almost like I was hyperventilating all day. I hadn’t been like this in a while but I recognised that it was anxiety I was suffering from. I just didn’t really understand why after all this time.

I checked the time on my phone. Six-thirty. The guys would be arriving soon.

The door went and Buzz’s cheery face greeted me, “Hey, Seth.” He called, “Put the kettle on, babe – it’s Baltic out here tonight.”

I chuckled. I was pretty chilly out tonight but it would get a whole lot warmer soon. The clocks had gone forward and the nights were drawing out. Just another sign that time was passing by. Jeez, it’d be the first anniversary of her death before long...

I snapped the kettle on in the kitchen and wandered back out to the bar. I looked around as I heard another voice. My heart rate had picked up as I recognised his voice. Joel had arrived.

He was so beautiful. He looked a little like Harley but his cheekbones were more defined. He looked like a model and I had no idea why he hadn’t gone down that route instead of dancing here – not that I was complaining but I was a little fearful that he’d get snapped up by a talent scout one of these days and I’d never see him again.

I went to make the drinks. We had an array of hot drinks for the various guys on the staff. Buzz was a coffee drinker and refused to drink anything else. River loved coffee too. Simon was a tea drinker – not that we saw much of him anymore and then Joel, bless him, had shyly brought along a jar of instant hot chocolate with an adorably apologetic smile, “Didn’t want to trouble you to heat milk for me all of the time...”

I didn’t really care what I drank. Coffee was probably my favourite – but a decent cup of tea in the afternoon usually hit the spot for me, too.

I went back out to the bar with a tray, “Buzz,” I called, “Coffee.”

He ambled over with Joel hot on his heels, “I’ll just go and make myself a hot chocolate... oh...” He spotted the tray and then looked at me, his eyes wide that I’d already made him a drink. I found my face heating up. Had I been a little over-presumptuous?

I smiled at him, “I heard you talking to Buzz – figured you’d like a hot drink too.”

He nodded, “I really would. Thanks, mate.”

I sighed. It occurred to me as I reached for my drink that my feelings of anxiety had gone now that he was here... Well, that was just plain weird.

 

 

Joel

 

He’d made me a drink. That was cute. It didn’t have to mean anything, though. I shouldn’t read anything into it. I had to stop thinking that every little thing he did for me was a sign because, depressingly, it wasn’t.

He’d made Buzz a drink too, so he wasn’t trying to woo me or anything. God, I was such a doofus. A lovesick idiot...

I took a sip and looked around. I jumped slightly as I noticed Seth watching me.

When I jumped, so did he and he spilt a little of his drink.

“Fuck,” he muttered, wiping his hand down his immaculately ironed shirt.

Immaculately ironed shirt... I looked at his jeans. They fitted him like a second skin. His hair might be a mass of loose curls but they were perfectly styled curls. Was it my imagination, or was he every bit as perfectly put together as the rest of us?

Fuck it. He had to be gay. He was just in denial...

I turned and caught Buzz’s eye. He was smiling at me knowingly.

I frowned at him and he winked at me before turning away and heading back for the door.

When I turned back around, Seth had shot off and was now busy doing something with one of the pumps. He’d changed the barrel on it the night before but it was still giving him issues. I followed after Buzz.

He raised an eyebrow at me.

I took a deep breath. I didn’t know him all that well, but he’d known Seth for years and I wanted to know more about his life before Siobhan. “Can I ask you something?”

He grinned, “You can ask.” He said, “But I might not give you the answers you’re looking for.”

Fair enough... “You’ve known Seth a long time.”

He nodded, “Yeah,” he agreed, “I have.”

“What was he like before?”

He frowned, “Before?”

I rolled my eyes, “You know,” I said embarrassed to even be broaching the subject, “Before she died – before he retreated inside himself and cut himself off from ever having a relationship again.” I explained in hushed tones so as not to alert Seth to the fact that I was talking about him behind his back.

“Oh,” Buzz nodded, “He was pretty much the same as he is now, really.” He said, scratching his stubbly chin, “He was always looking for ‘the one’. He wasn’t into casual hook-ups... I mean, he did have a couple of casual encounters – but to be fair to him, he was drunk.”

“Casual encounters?” I probed. With guys? Girls? What?

Buzz was clearly a brilliant mind reader. “He reckons he’s straight.” He said in a low voice, “But straight guys don’t suck gay guys’ dicks even when they are blind drunk. They’re in denial if they say they’re straight.” He winked, “So hang in there buddy, if he’s the one for you. I’m sure he’ll come round... eventually.”

I didn’t mean to sound so desperate with my hopeful “Really?” But it was too late – it was already out there.

Buzz chuckled, “Yes,” he said, “really.”

 

 

Seth

 

I came back up from the cellar. The damned connector had come off the barrel again. We really needed a new one. It was just about the time for the guys to get into position for the night and I found my eyes straying to the left hand podium, which was now Joel’s regular spot.

He wasn’t there yet. I frowned, wondering where the hell he was, then.

It was then I noticed him coming from the main entrance. Had he been talking to Buzz? I wondered what they’d been talking about.

Buzz knew everything about me. Hell, we’d been mates forever and he’d been there all the time I’d been with Siobhan – and he’d been there for me at the hospital – along with his boyfriend, Franz, his brother, Simon and our closest friends, River and Jodie, while I had all the painful procedures for my burns, and in the immediate days and weeks that followed the accident. It would be fair to say that Buzz and the guys at Studs knew more about me than anyone else – including my own family who didn’t really know me at all.

Had Joel been asking about the accident? Had he seen my scars and wondered about them? Was he repulsed by them? Intrigued? What? What?

I was going to have to go and ask Buzz. It was driving me mad, wondering.

As it happened, I didn’t have to go looking for Buzz. He came looking for me.

“Seth,” He grinned, “I’ll have a lemon and lime, please.”

I nodded and started making it, “So,” I said, “What was Joel asking you about?”

Buzz raised an eyebrow, “He wanted to know what Franz and I were doing for Christmas.” He said, “Why, what did you think he was asking me about?”

Christmas? What the fuck? We were closer to last Christmas than the one coming – it was absolutely ages away. Was he lying? I didn’t know. I felt my face heating up and shook my head, “I wondered if he’d asked you about getting extra hours,” I lied. If he was lying then so could I. Two could play at that game...

He shrugged, “No, mate.” He said firmly, “He never mentioned working extra hours.”

 

 

Chapter 9 – Room for rent...?

 

Joel

 

I was at it again – searching for more information about Seth. I’d exhausted my sources at the club and now I was round at my brother’s house instead...

“So you’re saying that Seth definitely isn’t bi?” Well, what the fuck was he then? Pansexual? I didn’t even really understand what the definition of that was...

Harley looked at Alfie who smiled back at him and raised his eyebrows. He looked back at me and shook his head, “Well, he says not, but Alfie and I both think he’s in denial. I know he loved Siobhan but he’s had dalliances in the past. Alfie walked in on him with a guy – and he wasn’t the first to either. River, Rob and Buzz have all seen him with guys before now, too.”

My jaw dropped. I fucking knew it! There was no way he could be straight...

Harley nodded, “It’s always when he’s had too much to drink – and when he’s single. He never saw anyone while he was with Siobhan. He’s definitely not the type to cheat.”

Alfie shook his head, “Definitely not.” He agreed. “He’s a man of principle.”

I raised an eyebrow, “But you think there might be hope for me with him, then?”

Harley shrugged and Alfie sighed, “Maybe one day – but right now,” he trailed off and then he and Alfie spoke in unison, “he’s still very depressed.”

I nodded. Then it was my job to turn that down-turned mouth upside down.

“I can help him.” I said, “I know I can.”

Alfie smiled, “I believe you.” He said, “If anyone can get him talking about it, it’ll be you – and he needs to talk about it. He never has.”

I blinked, “He already has talked to me about it.” I said. Well, not loads... but he’d mentioned it that one time and then he’d talked about things they’d all done together in the two years they were together. He hadn’t ever talked about the crash, but that was understandable, “He’s told me quite a lot about Siobhan and Will and how much he loved being a dad to him.”

Harley’s jaw dropped, “You’re kidding?” He said, his voice coming out high with surprise.

I shook my head, “You know me.” I said, “I might be able to talk a glass eye to sleep – but I’m also really easy to talk to – and, you know, he seemed to like offloading.”

Harley grinned, “Keep it up.” He said, “You’re obviously making progress with him.”

I nodded. Maybe I was but that wasn’t really what I was here for. I had a more pressing problem... “You know Dave – my roommate?”

Harley nodded, “Yeah?” He asked, frowning.

I made a face, “He’s moving in with his girlfriend. I don’t want to move back home – the commute will be too far for work...”

Harley scratched his chin, “And you can’t afford to rent the place on your own?”

I shook my head, “Not a chance – well, I could but then I wouldn’t be able to eat.” I shot him a grin.

Alfie chuckled and Harley smiled. They both knew what my appetite was like. Mum had always said I ate her out of house and home...

“What am I gonna do?” I asked. I could see that they weren’t exactly rolling out the red carpet for me to move in with them and I really wasn’t all that sure I wanted to either – the walls were pretty thin in new builds and I knew that as relatively new newlyweds they were very, uh, active...

Harley shrugged, “I have no idea.” He said.

Alfie grinned and squeezed my arm, “Between you and me,” he said in a conspiratorial whisper, “I know for a fact that Seth’s got a spare bedroom and he really needs the extra cash, too – he was scouring the net looking for a cheaper rental himself the other day at work...”

Holy shit. Did I dare ask him if I could rent his spare room? Well, I guess I had two choices. I either asked Seth if I could crash on his sofa/in his spare room/in his bed with him or I went back to live with Mum. And I really didn’t want to do that. For starters, she’d start asking questions about Seth and I could really do without it – and secondly, I was kind of used to the freedom now of living on my own.

Not that I’d been on my own and it was the being on my own that was the problem. I couldn’t afford the damned rent under my own steam. I actually needed a roommate to share the expense with...

I had no idea what Seth would say. I was actually kind of scared that he’d get angry with me and start shouting. It wasn’t really in his nature to get nasty but I felt as if he might think that I was trying to muscle in on what was his private haven with Siobhan... I really didn’t want to upset him.

Well, time would tell... I parked my car in the car park. Seth’s car was, as ever, already there. I got out and jogged across the car park to the staff entrance of the club. When Buzz was here it was easier to go in the main entrance, but it would be locked up at this time of the afternoon.

I let myself in and wandered through, past the dressing rooms and then past the kitchen and out to the bar. Seth was on the other side, collecting up the glasses from the previous night that had been missed – there were always one or two that got missed with it being so late when everyone finally left.

“Hey, Seth.” I greeted him a little nervously.

He looked up and I was shocked to see that his eyes looked redder than usual, “Oh, morning Joel.”

I frowned, “Christ, dude,” I said, “You look exhausted.”

He shrugged, “I am exhausted.” He admitted, “I haven’t been sleeping so well.” 

My frown deepened, “Maybe you should talk to someone...”

He looked at me as if I was something he’d just found on the underside of his shoe, “I don’t need anyone to talk to.” He snapped, “There’s nothing wrong with me.” He added defensively.

I blinked, “I uh, never thought there was... I’m sorry, Seth – just tell me to mind by own business. I’ve got a big mouth...”

His lips twitched at the corners and then finally he smiled at me, “I’m sorry,” he said, “I’m just cranky this morning because I slept so badly – want a drink? I was just gonna get some coffee. Trying to keep awake until the wee hours on a couple of hours kip is kind of a killer without it.”

I nodded. “Tell me about it,” I rolled my eyes, “I didn’t sleep so well myself last night, either...”

He raised an eyebrow, “Oh?”

I sighed dramatically, “I might have to move back in with Mum, which is a total ball-ache because it’s miles away from here...”

Seth made all the right noises to sympathise but he certainly wasn’t gonna offer his spare room to me. It was time to grow a pair and come on out and ask him. “I don’t suppose you have a spare room I could rent, do you?”

 

 

Chapter 10 – New housemate...

 

Seth

 

Ohhh, fuck. I knew that one was coming – and I knew who’d spilled the fucking beans about me having a house that I was struggling to afford, too. It’d have been Alfie and Harley...

And I knew why I didn’t want him there too. It was nothing to do with keeping it a shrine to Siobhan. I wasn’t that sad... It was because he was too fucking good-looking and I was too damned attracted to him. I’d never felt this way about another guy before – well not when I was sober anyway...

Sure, I’d gotten drunk and fooled around with guys before but right now I was stone cold sober and I was definitely feeling things for Joel that I had no business feeling.

But this wasn’t about the way I felt about him and his beautiful face, and his body to die for and his sexy dancing. This was about helping out a mate in his hour of need. Fuck off with your raised eyebrows and your knowing grin – that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

“I uh, well, yeah. I do, as it happens.” I said cagily, “If you uh, need a place to stay, you’re welcome to rent it off me.”

His face lit up, those glorious bright blue eyes almost glowed. “Wow, Seth,” he said in delight, “Are you sure?”

I nodded, completely mesmerised by his beauty. In that moment, I’d never been surer of anything in my life...

 

*

 

As much as I’d dreaded him moving in, once he was there, everything just got better. It was weird at first, particularly coming home to find a coat already hanging on my peg. Call me anal if you want to but I was pretty damned certain I’d told him which peg was his...

It was weird finding that he’d cooked dinner for us both, too. I was so used to living on my own and only feeding myself that I generally existed off sandwiches from the petrol station shop and apples. Yeah, I know apples aren’t the most exciting fruit in the world but they were my favourites and I liked them any way at all – juicy or not, I didn’t really care. Apple pie was my all-time favourite pudding, with custard, of course...

Suddenly my life was no longer silent at home. It was always full of bangs and running feet and singing. Joel was a joy to have around. He sang or hummed when he was in the kitchen and the bathroom, he would jump over the back of the sofa and land next to me to watch our favourite soap together in the afternoons – on catch-up of course, since we were never in together in the evenings and he even came out with me one weekend with Will...

I was beginning to feel very relaxed around him. We were totally becoming the best of friends and I was happier than I’d been since Siobhan was alive.

I should have seen it coming but I didn’t – so when the inevitable finally happened, I did what all guys who are in denial do – I freaked out completely and went to hide under a rock...

 

 

Chapter 11 – The Way to Seth’s heart...

 

Joel

 

Moving in with Seth was the best thing ever to happen to me.

He was definitely reluctant to have me around to begin with and he kept himself very much to himself.

But call me an interfering little busy-body if you will – I didn’t want him to have nothing to do with me – so I made damned sure that he had to spend time with me.

I’d always been pretty good at food technology back in school and I’d remembered quite a lot. I also loved watching all the TV chefs doing their thing and I’d learned quite a lot of new things from watching them. There were so many things I fancied trying out – and having all day, every day off and a really brilliantly equipped kitchen now that I lived with Seth, I started to whip up a few gourmet meals... Mum always said the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach. Well, it was totally time to test that theory...

The first time I cooked for us, I was really worried that he’d refuse to eat with me – even I thought the table set intimately just for the two of us was a little too much but it was too late to unset it once it was done as I heard his key in the door.

Seth got a full day off once every fortnight and he usually spent it going out shopping and then picking up Will from school and spending a couple of hours with him before heading back home and sleeping for the rest of the day. It was quite a relief to know that he did actually catch up on his sleep from time to time. All that lack of sleep couldn’t be good for his health...

I heard him muttering under his breath in the hallway. Fuck! I’d put my coat on his hook again, hadn’t I?

I smiled apologetically at him as he walked in.

He grinned back at me, sniffing the air and raising his eyebrows, “Something smells good.” He said.

I nodded, “I cooked us dinner.” I said, suddenly feeling unbelievably nervous. What if he didn’t like it? Fuck, what if he was a vegetarian or something? What if he was a vegan who lived off grass patties or whatever it was that those freaks ate? What then?

“What are we having?” He asked, coming over to the oven and peering through the glass door that was pristinely clean at the moment – it wouldn’t stay like that for long with me around...

“Well, it’s only roast pork,” I started, “But I’ve done a home-made stuffing with sausage meat and apple and herbs...”

He looked at me with his mouth slightly open, “With apple?” He asked. I nodded. “And it’s not a packet mix?” He added faintly.

I shook my head, “No, I dried the breadcrumbs myself... and I got the apples off that lady who lives at the end of the street. I was admiring her tree – have you seen the blossom on it?” I asked, seeing the look of slight amazement on his face I didn’t wait for an answer; he probably thought I was completely barking mad, “she gave me a bagful out of her shed – she stores them all through the winter through to early summer – that’s incredible...” Well, I thought it was incredible anyway. I had no idea they could be stored for so long. She’d really opened my eyes to how you could really preserve your harvest. And she’d been so damned sweet giving me so many... I’d been peeling all morning and had enough cooked apple to keep us in applesauce or pie filling for a good six months in the freezer.

“Oh, wow.” Seth breathed, “I love that tree...”

I smiled, “Yeah,” I agreed, “Me too. I’ve done roast potatoes to go with it and carrots and broccoli, which I know are a bit boring but that was all we had in the fridge.”

He nodded, “Oh, my God. Sounds amazing.” He murmured, “When are we eating?”

I smiled, “Now, if you like. Or if you’d rather go and get a shower...” I tried my best not to imagine him in the shower but I’m not gonna lie, it wasn’t easy...

He nodded, “Have I got time for a quick shower? I’m not gonna ruin dinner?”

I shook my head, “You’ve got time,” I said, “Shall I pour us a glass of wine each?” Yes. I’d bought a bottle of wine to go with dinner. I really was going all out to woo him...

He nodded, flashing me a delightful smile, “Sounds great.”

 

*

 

“Wow,” Seth said as he pushed his plate away from him, “That was fucking awesome. You can really cook!”

I grinned at him and nodded, “Yeah,” I said, “It really wasn’t half bad, was it?”

He grinned at me, “It was amazing and you know it.” He said.

I grinned back at him. “Another glass of wine?” I held the bottle up.

He smiled and nodded, “Are you trying to get me drunk, Mr Fitzgerald?” He asked, raising one eyebrow and looking sexier than I’d ever seen him.

I shook my head, “Not at all, Mr Matthews,” I replied playfully. “But since we don’t have to be anywhere until tomorrow night, I thought it might be nice to relax with a glass or two...”

He nodded, “You’re right,” he agreed, “it is, go on then, I will have another one.”

I got up and took the bottle around to his side of the table.

As I leaned over to pour him a glass he pulled me down and planted a kiss on my cheek, “Thank you.” He said, “For cooking. It’s really nice to be looked after.”

I turned my head. We were nose to nose, perfectly lined up for a kiss. All it would take would be for me to lean in a little closer and we could totally do it... I took a deep breath and stood up instead. Call me a coward, but I really wasn’t brave enough to go in for a kiss with a straight man – or with a man who believed himself to be straight – not on only one glass of wine anyway.

He huffed a bit of a laugh and I totally got the feeling he was feeling every bit as turned on by me as I was him. This was torture. Every nerve in my body just wanted to wrap him up in my arms and kiss him until he was totally breathless...

I went to sit back down. “Fancy watching a movie with me?” I asked, feeling sure my voice was coming out all weird.

He nodded, “Sure, what did you have in mind?”

I shrugged, “Shall we just see what’s on Netflix?”

He nodded again, “Sure,” he agreed, “Come on – let’s go and sit down in the lounge. I’ll put the stove on.”

He went to set the fire and I cleaned up.

I went to join him shortly after to find him sat on the sofa. He’d put my glass with his on the coffee table that sat in front of the sofa.

It was all cosy and romantic-looking in the room. He’d lit the candles on the mantelpiece and the lights were off. The TV was on and the dancing flames of the wood-burning stove were kind of mesmerising.

“Oh, this looks great.” I murmured as I slid into the seat next to him.

He looked up at me, his dark brown eyes looking incredibly sexy in the half-light, “Yeah, it really works doesn’t it?”

I nodded. It was totally working for me. I was sporting the biggest boner I’d had in a while – thankfully I had a shirt on that was long enough to hide my desire for my roomy. I wasn’t all that sure he’d be happy about the fact that I was hard for him.

“This wine is so good.” Seth murmured as he tipped his glass back and emptied it for the second time.

I nodded, “It is pretty good isn’t it? I like a decent Shiraz...”

He nodded, “Is it a Shiraz?” He asked, sounding surprised, “Wow. It’s really good, yeah.”

 “Shall we finish this bottle up and have another?”

He grinned at me, his dark eyes dancing in the low lighting, “Why not?” He asked, “We don’t have work in the morning.”

With my heart in my mouth I made my way to the kitchen for the second bottle. Would he wake up in the morning believing that I’d engineered the whole thing just to start something between us? Was I completely crazy and just so smitten with him that I was imagining his interest in me? Shit. What the fuck did I think I was doing, chasing a straight guy? This was definitely gonna end in tears – and make no mistake, they’d definitely be my tears...

I leaned over to pour his wine. He looked up at me as I poured. I looked back at him. His mouth looked so damned inviting. Without really thinking about my actions and the consequences of what I was doing, I took his glass off him and placed it on the coffee table and then I turned back to him. Seth’s brows were drawn together in a little frown of confusion.

“I know you’re straight and everything but I just really want to kiss you.” I whispered before crashing my mouth down on his. Fuck. His lips were every bit as soft and delicious as I thought they’d be.

For a moment he didn’t respond. He just sat there, stunned, but then, to my surprise and utter delight, his arms circled my waist and he started kissing me back – really quite enthusiastically.

I pulled his shirt free from his jeans and started to run my hands up his back.

He pulled away, “Don’t do that.” He said.

I was too concerned with the fact that he’d stop kissing me to wonder why he didn’t want me to touch his body so I put my hands back to a safer place – his waist – and carried on kissing him, bumping teeth and noses as I desperately licked into his mouth. He was like my own personal drug that I really couldn’t get enough of...

He was moaning into my mouth and in total contrast to his request that I didn’t touch him, his hands were fucking everywhere, which was a major turn on. His fingers fumbled with the buttons on my jeans and then he wrapped his hand around my cock and started to work me. Oh. My. God... finally. I was actually fooling around with the man of my most erotic dreams... Seth Matthews.

 

 

Chapter 12 – Oh, shit... I didn’t, did I?

 

Seth

 

I woke up with a bit of a start. It was still quite dark which was a bit of a surprise for the time of year. I never usually woke up much before ten but it was always really light by then – so what fucking time was it?

I patted my bedside table until I found my phone and switched it on. Oh, my God. It was only five forty-five. Jesus. What the hell? It had been such a late night too and oh, God, my head was definitely thumping...

As the events of the evening before started to filter back through my mind, shame started to envelope me. What the fuck had possessed me to drink all of that wine? And what the fuck did I think I was doing, allowing Joel to kiss me?

Ohh, fuck... He hadn’t just been kissing me either if my memory served me correctly. There had been so much more than that. Shit. Why did I do things like that when I was drunk? Holy shit. He was just about the most beautiful thing on this earth – and I had absolutely no idea what to do with that knowledge. I felt as if I was betraying Siobhan and everything she’d meant to me if I turned out to be what everyone had always thought – that I was actually gay...

But I didn’t feel gay. Yes, I grant you that sucking another guy’s cock is just about as gay as it gets – not that I’d done that with Joel – well, not yet anyway, although I couldn’t deny that I’d imagined it a few times... I didn’t want just anyone. I didn’t fancy anyone else... I just fancied Joel... I lay there, staring blindly up at the ceiling as the total realisation of my feelings hit me like a punch in the gut. Fuck. I really fancied Joel.

I groaned and buried my head under my pillow in a vain attempt to get a few more hours sleep even though my mind was now going at a million miles an hour. What the hell was I going to do? How was I supposed to face Joel in the morning?

 

*

 

Having done everything possible to stay out of Joel’s way and therefore avoiding any kind of awkwardness between us, I successfully managed to get to work without seeing him once. I’ll grant you that it involved leaving the house well before ten o’clock in the morning and hiding in the coffee bar in town for most of the day, which you could say was really cowardly but still...

 I walked into the bar at six o’clock in the evening, feeling as if everyone would know what I’d done with Joel the night before. I looked around. Joel was nowhere in sight, which was all at once a relief and a disappointment all rolled into one pretty overwhelming feeling. Hell, if I’m honest, it was kind of terrifying. What if he’d gotten here early and had told them all what we’d done?

I slid behind the bar, hoping that I was as invisible as I usually was. No such luck.

Buzz appeared from the staff area almost as soon as I’d picked up my apron, “Hey, Seth!” He called loudly enough that I wanted to wince. Why the fuck had I thought two bottles of wine were a good idea last night? Seriously, I was losing the plot. I had to be. It was the only explanation...

“Wh-What?” I stammered, looking around wildly.

He grinned, “Me and the guys are playing a game – can you say the alphabet backwards?”

I snorted, “Course I can.” I said confidently, “It’s easy.”

He raised his eyebrows, “Lads!” He shouted gleefully, “The challenge has been accepted! Our very own literary genius, Seth...”

Suddenly the place was full of staff members and their various spouses. River and Jodie, Thai, Simon and Bailey, Buzz’s boyfriend Franz was hanging around quietly in the background, a little smile on his lips and then I spotted Alfie, Harley and oh, fuck – there was Joel... I swallowed and my mind went a total blank. All I could think about was his lips against mine last night and his wonderfully touchy-feely hands...

Stop it! Stop right there!

“Ready?” Buzz grinned.

I smiled, “Z, Y, X, U.... no, not U, um, V no! W...” Fuck, this really is harder than it seems.

Buzz chuckled, “Doing really well,” he drawled sarcastically, “Go on.”

I pulled a face at him, “V, U, T, S, R, O...”

“Nope!” Buzz crowed gleefully.

“It’s O.” I insisted, “O,”

They all shook their heads. I made eye contact with Joel who mouthed, “Q” to me.

I rolled my eyes. Of course it was Q... “Q, P, O, N, M, K...”

Buzz laughed and shook his head, “Wrong again, dude. You’re still better than everyone else at this – but you can only make one more mistake dude and Joel takes the title.”

“Well, we can’t have that, can we?” I shot a little grin at Joel, who went pink and looked down.

“L, K, J, I, H, G, F, E, D, C, B, A.” I finished with a fist punch.

Buzz high-fived me and I chanced another glance at Joel – would he be worried that I’d taken the title? He was grinning all over his face and he winked at me when our eyes met. Phew... It looked like we were still friends.

“A round of shots, best barman ever!” Buzz shouted, slinging his arm around Franz who had sidled up to him.

I chuckled. There was no way on this earth I was having a shot, but I was happy for the rest of them to get wasted if that was what they wanted to do. “Come on then – let’s see your money.”

Joel slid onto a bar seat and watch me as I poured the shots, “I missed you today.” He said quietly.

I looked up, “I had a few things to do in town.” I lied.

He shook his head. He wasn’t fooled, “Liar,” he said softly, “You were just avoiding me.”

I bit my lip. I didn’t want to upset the guy but neither did I want him thinking he had any sort of a future with me. I was so badly scarred – physically and mentally... I couldn’t even walk properly anymore. He deserved better than that... better than me. I wasn’t going to be good for him... I was too worn down with life. I rarely slept through the night and when I did manage to get off to sleep I had nightmares all of the fucking time. Hell, I was an emotional and physical wreck... What the fuck did he see in me?

I was making every excuse in the book to push him away, but there was a big part of me that still wanted to feel his lips against mine again – right now, in front of everyone if I was going to be totally honest. I looked up at him, “You’re right.” I said in a low voice so no one else overheard us, “I was avoiding you – because last night was a big mistake.”

His smile faltered and his eyes dimmed, making my heart want to crack, which was weird since I was convinced it had already been broken beyond repair when Siobhan died... How and when had it gotten mended again? “It might have been a mistake for you,” he said, his chin wobbling slightly although his voice was strong, “But I was well up for it.” His eyes were beginning to look a little glassy, “But I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” He took a deep shuddery breath that made me want to wrap him up in my arms and hug away the hurt I was inflicting on him. “Can we just pretend it didn’t happen and settle for being mates again?” He ended his little speech with a careless enough looking shrug but his wobbly chin had already given him away.

Ignoring the way my heart skipped a beat at the idea that he was really interested in me, I nodded, “Of course we can – we are mates.” I agreed heartily, “That’d be great.”

He smiled even though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Cool,” he said, “I’ll, uh, go and get dressed – or rather undressed.” He winked, making my dick go instantly hard. Fuck. It was gonna be impossible to just be mates... Absolutely impossible.

 

 

Chapter 13 – No way on this earth...

 

Joel

 

There was no fucking way I was going to settle for just being mates after that awesome night with Seth.

Before had been easy because as much as I’d imagined what being with him would be like, it had just been fantasy. But now I knew and it was far better than any fantasy I’d ever had about him. Now I knew what it was like to feel his hand around my cock and the way it felt when it was rubbing against mine through our boxer shorts. Now I knew that his mouth tasted faintly of apples when he devoured my mouth in the most delicious kisses I’d ever experienced. He was incredible and I never wanted to let him go.

But he was still in love with Siobhan – or at least he was still in love with her memory – and I couldn’t really compete with that sort of perfection.

Harley said I had to give it time – but I had no idea how long he needed. All I knew was that I wanted to give him the time he needed – I just didn’t know if I was strong enough to wait, only to find that waiting had been utterly futile and that he’d never really wanted me...

 

*

 

It was a quiet night in the club, which was odd for the time of year but there wasn’t much we could about that. I danced and danced all night and then I helped Seth to clean up at the end of the shift and we went home together in his car. We’d left mine parked up in the car park, since I’d drank a couple of beers and he was concerned that I might be over the limit. He was always thoughtful like that.

I hesitated at the top of the stairs when I followed him up to bed. Did I stick my head around his door and say goodnight? Or was that just being over-familiar when he’d told me that I had absolutely no chance?

I sighed and left it. I went to bed and I guess I must have gone straight off to sleep because I woke up with a start after what only seemed like a few minutes later. Was I dreaming or was that someone screaming?

I lay still for a second. I was listening intently because you know when you dream and you think that you’ve heard a really loud bang and then you just lie there, wondering if someone is in the house? Well, you might not do that – but I do...

I checked the time and was surprised to find that it was actually a few hours later – five forty-five actually. I was just about to turn over and punch my pillow back into a comfortable shape when I heard it again. The most heart-rending, gut-wrenching, blood-curdling scream – and it was coming from the next room. Seth...

I shot out of bed and without even thinking about the consequences of my actions, I burst into Seth’s bedroom.

He was asleep, but his face was screwed up in absolute agony as he relived something from his past. I had a very good idea of what it was too – I’d been there that night – I might not have seen Siobhan’s body like he had and how terrible it had been for him to be trying to get her out even though she was dead already and burning in front of him but I could remember his screams of agonising heartbreak and I figured he was reliving her death and his agony at not being able to save her. It became obvious immediately after I’d gotten into bed behind him that it was exactly what he was dreaming about.

 “We can’t just leave her! She’s not dead!” he suddenly screamed, making me jump so violently I almost shot back out of the bed and ran from the room.

What the hell was I supposed to do? Should I talk to him?

Apparently talking to him wasn’t necessary, since this was his nightmare and someone was clearly answering him in his mind. The next second all the fight went out of him and he just sobbed.

My heart broke for him. He’d clearly absolutely loved Siobhan. Dreaming about her was his only option because he wouldn’t discuss it. All the guys had alluded to it at the club and no one ever really talked about her in his presence for fear of upsetting him.

I didn’t really go along with that notion – I actually thought it was better for him to be able to talk about her... but I was no psychologist. I had no idea really.

All I knew was that the man I would love to get to know a whole lot better was hurting more than I’d ever seen anyone hurt before – and he needed comforting.

I didn’t even think about it. I wrapped him up in my arms. Pressing my body against his, I hugged him, wrapping him in my warmth and my comfort and yes, my love...

He must have acknowledged at least something in my actions because he stopped crying and after a couple of whimpers and a few snuffles, he went back to sleep – and thankfully, dreamt about something else or maybe even nothing at all.

 

 

Chapter 14 – Embarrassment...

 

Seth

 

I woke with a start and stared up at the ceiling. My eyes hurt and my head was thumping. I couldn’t remember drinking anything last night but something was bugging me. I just didn’t know what it was. It all came flooding back when I turned my head and almost died of a heart attack. I wasn’t alone and the only person with hair like that, lying right next to me, his chest bare and his face right next to mine – looking unbearably sexy, was Joel. Ohhh, fuck. Please tell me I hadn’t lost control of myself around him again?

I tried to move, but Joel also had his leg slung rather possessively over mine – effectively pinning me to the bed. It was kind of sexy if I was going to allow myself to think of it that way... If I moved, I would surely wake him up... Fuck it, I had to move. I was desperate for a pee.

I had no choice. Peeing on him wasn’t an option. I slid out from under him and shot off to the bathroom. He’d no doubt be awake by the time I got back and then we’d have to talk.

I slunk back into the bedroom and to no surprise, there he was, wide-awake and sitting up in bed with his pillows arranged behind him.

He looked me straight in the eye. “We didn’t do anything so you can stop worrying yourself into an early grave that we did. You didn’t do anything remotely gay. You were just upset.”

I frowned at him as embarrassment started to creep up on me and I felt my face reddening. “Upset?” I asked. My blood ran cold. He hadn’t witnessed one of my nightmares had he...?

Joel nodded earnestly, “Yeah, dude. You were really fucking upset. You were screaming in your sleep.”

Fuck. He had... “I'm sorry for disturbing you,” I said shortly. I was so horribly embarrassed that he’d witnessed one of my nightmares and I just wanted to get away but this was my bedroom – he was the intruder here...

He seemed to get the message, because he hopped straight out of bed. I did my best not to look at his crotch. I knew what was down there and it was too damned tempting. He headed for the bedroom door and I edged around the other side of the room so he couldn’t actually pass me. I wasn’t sure I could trust myself not to touch him if he did.

 

 

Chapter 15 – Anchor...

 

Joel

 

I could see that Seth was freaking out and that made me feel really bad for not confessing to him that I knew what he’d gone through because I’d been there that night with Harley...

He was going to totally freak out when he found that out – and he was totally going to think I was a stalker or something, once he discovered that I’d visited him in hospital while he was recovering...

It occurred to me that I really had to get out of his bed – and out of his room. I turned around once I was outside of his bedroom door, “Don't worry about it.” I said as I ducked out of the room. I’ll, uh, I’ll go and put the kettle on.”

It was ten minutes or more before Seth appeared. He stood in the doorway of the kitchen and let out a huge sigh, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. Dragging his hands down his face, he looked at me, "I don’t know why I dreamt about her last night,” he said quietly. “It usually happens when I’ve been drinking...” He let out a heartfelt sigh and carried on talking about her. I didn’t dare move. He’d mentioned her a couple of times to me before – but he’d never talked about her in any great detail – and certainly not about the accident. “I sometimes think that if I just get drunk enough I might not dream about it... And then, other times I drink so I do remember it all because at least that way, I get to see her again,” he turned his massive brown eyes on me and my heart broke for him when he started talking again, “I'm terrified of forgetting her – of forgetting how she made me feel. Because I can feel her slipping further and further away from me every single day that I’m forced to endure my life without her."

All I wanted to do was to wrap my arms around him and never let go. But he needed to talk this out – so I started asking questions instead. “How did she make you feel?” I wasn’t all that sure I wanted to know but at least he was beginning to get things off his chest. The fact that he found living some sort of endurance test was the most disturbing thing...

“Whole,” he whispered, shrugging his shoulders helplessly, “She made me feel whole. I was complete with her. My life made sense somehow. I knew who I was and now...”

I nodded. I got it. I understood what it felt like to lose the person you loved – I’d never felt loss so dramatically as his – I’d just had a boyfriend who had fallen out of love with me and promptly in love with someone that he’d decided was better, “You're drifting,” I whispered. “She was your anchor and now that she’s not here, you’re adrift.”

He nodded, tears running freely down his face.

I reached forward and wiped them away with my thumb. “I know she meant everything to you but that doesn't mean you can't love again, Seth.”

He looked at me, “Yeah, yeah,” he said with a slight edge to his voice, “Rob, River, Buzz – all of them have said the same but I'd never loved anyone before her..."

Fuck.

“And who the hell is going to want me now anyway?” He asked self-pityingly, “All ugly and burned and limping like an old man?” To be fair to him he was muttering this under his breath and more to himself than to me.

I swallowed. Had he even meant for me to hear that? Should I come on out and admit that actually I found him disturbingly attractive? Well why not? What the fuck did I have to lose? He had to know anyway after the events of the other night – even if he wasn’t anywhere near in the right place emotionally for any sort of relationship with me, “Me,” I said softly, “I find that I want you more and more each and every time I see you.”

Seth stared at me for a minute and then shook his head, “Don't waste your time,” he muttered before bolting for the door. He couldn’t get away from me fast enough.

“Way to go Joel,” I muttered, “that went really well.

I decided that I really had to go and see Harley and Alfie. They’d know what to do...

 

*

 

I don’t know why I expected anything else from Harley than what I got, but I did... “You look like shit.” He said with a grin as I walked in.

“Thanks,” I retorted, “I had a crappy night – what’s your excuse?”

His eyes lit up evilly and his grin widened, “Alfie’s a bad, bad man.” He winked at me.

“Bastard,” I muttered.

Alfie sniggered, “Shut up, Harley.” He said, “What’s up, Joel? You don’t look like shit – but you do look troubled. Anything we can do to help?” He patted my shoulder sympathetically.

I shot him a grateful smile, “Yeah,” I said, “Well, you can give it a shot anyway...”

Harley frowned, “What’s up, dude?” He asked.

“It’s Seth....”

Alfie raised his eyebrows and Harley shook his head, “What about him?” they asked in unison.

I sighed, “He has the most horrendous nightmares.” Well, I had to start somewhere...

Alfie nodded, “Well, that’s perfectly understandable.” He murmured, making me wish I’d thought of another opener. Alfie probably still had terrible nightmares, too...

Harley moved close to Alfie and put his arm around him, making me feel inexplicably jealous of their wonderful relationship. It was everything I wanted but would probably never have with Seth. “What sort of nightmares?” He asked.

I sighed. The lump in my throat I’d been fighting since he’d poured his heart out to me about his overwhelming love for her threatening to cut off my air supply, “He relives the crash.” I choked out. “Sometimes he welcomes it because he gets to see her again.” I broke down.

Alfie and Harley both rushed to comfort me, “Come on,” Alfie’s voice was low but his arms around me were firm and strong. Harley’s voice was stronger, “What did you say to him?”

I faltered, “I don’t know.” I admitted, “I think I said something about losing his anchor...” I trailed off. It had been a strange conversation but it had totally made sense at the time.”

“So you talked about Siobhan?”

I pulled a face, “Well, not as such...” He escaped before we could really get talking.

“But he was definitely referring to her?” Harley leaned forward.

I stared at him, “Of course he was talking about her,” I said, “he said she made him complete.”

Alfie and Harley exchanged a knowing glance, “What?” I asked.

“He still hasn’t talked about her at all with any of the rest of us – seems to me that you’re the only one. You’re definitely breaking down his walls...”

Well, that was just great. I was good enough to fool around with when he was drunk; I was good enough to confide in and cry all over when he was having a nightmare but when he was sober and fully alert he didn’t want to know me. Well, wasn’t that just fucking champion?

 

 

Chapter 16 – Mates...

 

Seth

 

I was aware that I was pissing Joel off. I just didn’t really understand why.

We were mates, weren’t we? I’d never promised him anything more than that and ‘that night’ we’d agreed was nothing more than a mistake... So why was he being an arsehole about the whole thing?

Or was I being the arsehole and he was just reacting to me?

I needed someone else’s perspective, but whose?

The door opened and shut again, making me jump violently. Most of the guys were in the back getting changed for their shift. It was Thursday, so Thai was in, along with Joel and Alfie.

Harley would likely pop in later on after he’d finished his patrol and there was another guy who was vaguely familiar that kept coming in to see Thai. I couldn’t place him though and I could only assume he’d met him away from here. It wasn’t any of my business who he was friends with, though. Thai had always kept himself to himself with regards to his private life.

Buzz hadn’t arrived yet. He was taking Franz to some sort of performance first so I was a little shocked when the door opened and Peyton was stood there. He smiled and raised his eyebrows at me, “Seth.” He said, “You’re looking well.”

I blinked, “Am I?” I asked. That was a surprise. For at least the last couple of months, most people had asked me if I was ill, “Oh, right.”

He grinned, “It’s nice to see you looking like you’ve decided to live again. We all have to move on, you know?”

I swallowed and nodded, “Yeah,” I agreed, “I do know that.”

He scratched his neck and looked at me as if he wanted to say something, but didn’t know if he should. I rolled my eyes, “You might as well just say what you want to say, Peyton,” I said a little sarcastically, “everyone else around here has.”

He raised an eyebrow, “Have they?” He asked in surprise, “What? They’ve all told you to date the new dancer?”

I frowned, “Well, no...” I admitted, “But that wouldn’t exactly be appropriate since he’s also my new roommate.”

Peyton’s eyebrows got even higher up his forehead, “You’re living together?” He asked, “Since when?”

I frowned, “Um, since a couple of weeks ago. Why? Is it a problem that Joel’s moved in?”

He shook his head, “No, it’s no problem.” He assured me, “I’m just surprised, that’s all.”

I shrugged. He could think what he fucking liked. I wasn’t going to apologise for it and I wasn’t going to stop seeing Will either. I was, for all intents and purposes, his stepdad – and there was nothing wrong with him being around Joel either – Joel was sound.

Peyton smiled at me, “I really don’t think there’s a problem with dating your roommate, either – unless you think you’re only going to screw him a few times and then move on to someone else but you’ve never really struck me as the fuck-‘em-and-fuck-‘em-off type.”

I swallowed, “I’m not.” I said. I was the make-love-all-night-and-promise-them-the-world type. I just hadn’t met anyone I felt that way about apart from Siobhan... and now, maybe Joel. But I was terrified that Joel was a mistake. I was so sure I was straight... I had been truly in love with Siobhan. Everything about her was utter perfection. She had totally satisfied me – emotionally, intellectually and sexually.

I frowned. I’d inadvertently listed that in order... I thought about Joel. How did I feel about him? He totally turned me on just to watch him dance. I loved talking to him and he really was a rock when I was upset... Fuck. I wanted him so badly...

Peyton patted my arm, “Just let it happen, dude.” He said, “Go on a date – get laid – and move on.”

I nodded, “I’ll think about it.” I muttered, “But I’m not sure he’ll want to go on a date with me anyway after the way I’ve been acting around him recently.”

Peyton smiled, “I wouldn’t worry about that, mate. Joel adores you – anyone with half an eye can see that.”

I smiled, “Okay.” I said, feeling suddenly hopeful. “I’ll see what he says.”

 

*

 

It was far too scary to actually ask him on a proper date – and I was far too stupid to see the wood for the trees. I was quite clearly not straight. I was just protecting myself against heartbreak and in the process, was actually just causing both Joel and myself a lot of unnecessary hurt.

I decided to just ask him to join Will and I on a day out instead. It was nerve-wracking enough to ask that...

“I’m taking Will out to the Natural History Museum in London, tomorrow. Would you, uh, would you like to join us?”

He blinked. “Me?” He asked.

I rolled my eyes and nodded, “Yes.” I said, “You.”

The shrug of his shoulders was careless enough, but those amazing blue eyes sparkled and his smile was one of pure joy, “Sure.” He said, “What time are we going?”

I smiled back at him, suddenly feeling quite buoyant about the whole thing, “I’m picking him up from Peyton’s at nine in the morning and we’re catching the train down at half past nine. I figured that would get us into St Pancras at around eleven and then we can go straight for lunch at the station – it’s amazing in there.”

Joel nodded, “Oh, yeah,” he agreed readily, “I love St Pancras – and you’re right, it is amazing. What about the rest of the day? Want to go and have a look around? We could go shopping at the Westfield Centre in Stratford on the high-speed train. I’ll bet you could get Will something really cool for his birthday.” It was coming up fast. Will told me every time he saw me.

What a brilliant idea... “That sounds so cool.” I said, nodding eagerly.

I found it hard to sleep that night – not because I was reliving hideous nights from my past. No. I couldn’t sleep because I was looking forward to spending the day with my two favourite guys...

 

*

 

 “So, cheeseburger and fries for Seth, Hamburger and fries for me – and chicken nuggets and fries for you?” Joel looked at Will with a grin.

Will beamed back at him and nodded, “Yeah!” He said happily.

Joel nodded, standing up and pushing his chair out behind him. He looked at me, “Fancy a cup of coffee or a coke?”

“Coke, please.” I said.

He nodded and then looked at Will, “And what about you, young man? Orange juice or a milkshake?”

He gave him a toothless grin, “Milkshake.” He lisped through the gap in his front teeth. His new ones were just beginning to show which was wonderful to see – but at the same time, sad that his mother was missing this part of his growing up years. She’d never see him reach maturity, or go to university, or get married and have children of his own. It was heart-breaking...

Joel nodded and disappeared off to the counter to put in our order.

Will turned to me. “I like Joel.” He said stoutly.

I nodded, “Me too.” I said.

“Is he your new boyfriend?” He asked.

I swallowed. I’d quite like him to be but I wasn’t ready for that yet... “No.” I said, “We’re very good friends and we like each other a lot, but he’s not my boyfriend.”

Will nodded, “Well, if you really like each other, it might turn to love.” He said matter-of-factly.

I nodded, “We’ll see.” I said.

He grinned at me, “I think he’d like to be your boyfriend.” He said.

I didn’t really know what to say about that so I swiftly changed the subject. “Wanna go home after this?” I asked, “Or do you want to carry on shopping for a bit?” He was only young and I didn’t want to exhaust the poor little guy.

He beamed at me, “Shopping!” He said excitedly.

I smiled. He was a boy after my own heart... I guess that was only natural, being Peyton’s son.

Joel came back to us with an overflowing tray of food, “Grub’s up!” He said beaming at Will. He put the tray down and made sure Will was accommodated first before handing me my cheeseburger and fries and then finally he helped himself to his own. What a gentleman...

Will quite clearly thought Joel was some sort of hero and it was more than obvious that he thought Joel and I should be a couple. Something Joel seemed to be a little confused about.

“Will seems to think I’m your boyfriend.” He said, his eyes searching mine for some sort of an explanation.

I nodded. “Uh, yeah,” I hedged, “He asked me if we were boyfriends at lunchtime.”

Joel blinked, “And what did you tell him?” He asked.”

I ran my hand through my hair nervously. I didn’t really know what to say, “I said we were friends and that we really liked each other but that we weren’t boyfriends.”

He nodded, “Right, right.” He said, “Okay...”

“Well, that’s the truth, right?” I asked.

He nodded, “Yeah, course.” He said, “That’s the truth.”

 

 

Chapter 17 – Freezing...

 

Joel

 

Even though it had been a good six months since he’d lost Siobhan, it looked as if Seth was still mourning her. I couldn’t help feeling slightly hopeful that he might be ready to move on but even as I thought it, the sensible part of my brain kept on telling me that there was no way on this earth he was going to allow himself to look at me as anything other than the brother of one of his friends. Getting tipsy with me aside – he was still in love with his dead partner for starters and as if that wasn’t difficult enough to overcome – there was still that nagging little problem of him being absolutely adamant that he was straight...

But could he really still believe that, though? I knew he really liked me, but I also knew that he had absolutely no plans to make it anything more than that. He’d liked me enough to kiss me when he’d had a few glasses of wine with me a few weeks back but he’d been so horrified with himself the next day, I actually felt kind of ashamed to have been involved with him at all. I felt as if he thought I’d somehow or other duped him into finding me attractive enough to kiss and I hated that...

We’d had a lovely time in London with William and I’d felt as if we were making some progress but then he told me about Will assuming we were boyfriends. I’d wondered if he was afraid of the kid disapproving of me – but Will and I got along like a house on fire and he’d been gleeful when he thought I was his stepdad’s boyfriend. Instead of taking the opportunity to gently break it to Will that he was moving on with his life, he’d told him in no uncertain terms that we were just friends. He was never going to want me... I really should just let it go but if there was half a chance...

I was, therefore, now round at my brother’s house because I really needed his advice on what I should do about it.

“Well, he clearly isn’t the man for you if he only wants to be friends.” He said gently, “It’s disappointing, yes – but you’re just going to have to find someone else.”

Well that was fucking unhelpful. I shook my head emphatically, slugging back another mouthful of my beer, “No!” I said firmly, “I’ve found the man I want to be with forever. I found him at your wedding. The man I love is Seth – he’s the one.”

I could see that Harley was losing patience with my dramatics, “He thinks he’s straight.” He reminded me, his gentle tone from earlier sharpening a little.

I stood up, nodding my head vigorously, “Then I need to make him see that he’s not.” I said.

“Don’t do anything stupid, dude.” Harley warned, “Stay here tonight.”

I shook my head. Suddenly it was absolutely clear – I just had to kiss him again. Then he’d know. I lunged for the door. “That’s the under-stairs cupboard, mate.” Alfie said helpfully.

“I knew that.” I said, drawing myself up to my full height and trying and failing miserably to be dignified about the whole thing. “I thought my coat was in there.”

“Sure, sure.” Harley said, “Well, good luck.”

I grinned, “Thanks.” I said as I finally found the front door and yanked it open, “I’ll probably need it.”

Harley muttered under his breath, “You’ll need it alright.”

Thankfully, Alfie was a little more encouraging than my pessimistic brother, “He’s become a little self-conscious about his limp and his burns so he’s been hiding himself away – like a little bug hiding under a pebble. I reckon he’s just waiting for you to discover him,” he said sagely, “you’ve just gotta kick the pebble, dude.”

I nodded. He was absolutely right...

I got outside. Fuck. I couldn’t drive – I’d had far too much to drink. And I couldn’t go back and bang on their door and demand that they drive me. Harley would just make me stay... Shit. I was going to have to walk... and it was fucking miles.

I turned the collar of my ridiculously thin and frankly stupid jacket up and set off. Within about thirty seconds it started snowing. Well, wasn’t that just fucking brilliant? Winter was meant to be over – it was April for crying out loud – and that was why I was wearing the thinnest jacket known to man (To be fair it looked kind of hot, but there was no denying it – it was as impractical as a chocolate teapot) and my red Converses – so no, I couldn’t feel my toes or my fingers – or my nose or my chin for that matter. I was absolutely fucking freezing by the time I got home.

I could just about manage to get my key out of my jeans pocket and into the door. My fingers were absolutely frozen and it was actually really painful to move them. I got the door open and the heat haze that hit me from the hall was enough to make my nose run. Hell, I almost passed out...

I just stood there. I knew there was something I needed to do but I was just so cold that I was momentarily rendered unable to do anything.

Seth must have heard me coming in. He poked his head around the lounge door, “Joel?”

I looked at him, “Seff.” I managed through my frozen lips, “I...”

He frowned and rushed to my side, “Are you okay? You’re shaking with cold – oh, my God, come here.”

He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me to him, “Jesus, Joel,” he said in concern, “you’re freezing. Come on in – you need to get those wet clothes off.”

My ears pricked up at that. Get my clothes off? Hello, yes, that was what I’d been thinking of all the way home... “Wanted to k-k-k-kiss you.” I managed to get out, “We b-b-b-belong t-t-t-together.”

Seth nodded, “Sure, sure.” He said, “I know that. Come on – get your jacket off and your shoes, that’s right.”

He knew that? Did he just say he knew that? I opened my mouth to ask him what he meant but he was too busy getting me sat down and pulling my shoes off and then peeling my wet socks off me. Really, he was going well above and beyond the boundaries of being mates...

He got up and disappeared into the bathroom – adding to my confused brain. Where had he gone? He was here a minute ago. I looked around for him stupidly and was massively relieved when he returned with a couple of big, fluffy towels. He wrapped my feet up in one of them and put the other one at the side of me. He shook his head as he looked at me, “Your tee shirt’s all wet too, dude. You’re lucky you haven’t got hyperthermia.”

I shrugged, “I just wanted to be with you.” I mumbled, feeling sleepy all of a sudden in the heat of the lounge, “Pebble...” I murmured. What the fuck was I going to say about that?

“Well, you’re with me now,” he said, as he helped me out of my jeans and pulled my tee shirt over my head, “Come on – get those boxers off too – you’re soaked to the fucking skin. Where the hell have you been and why aren’t you in your car?”

“I had a few drinks with Harley and Alfie,” I mumbled, as I stepped out of my boxers and allowed Seth to wrap the big towel around me.

He nodded, “Sure, sure,” he said, “And there’s nothing wrong with that – but why the hell didn’t you just get a taxi?”

I looked at him, blinking as I processed his words. A taxi? That would have been a better idea... “I dunno.” I said stupidly, “I only had one thing on my mind and that was kissing you – and it shouldn’t b-be th-that c-cold out th-there – it’s supposed to be f-fucking Spring now...”

Seth chuckled, “Come here,” he said. He lay down on the sofa and pulled me back up against him so that he was spooning me from behind. I leaned into the heat off him gratefully, “This is nice,” I murmured as I watched the flames dancing in the wood-burning stove. He smelt of wood smoke and apples and I just wanted to stay there on the sofa with him forever. Wrapped in his arms and in his love. He smelled of home – more so than anyone I’d ever been with before...

He kissed the back of my neck and then trailed little kisses across my shoulder blades, “Yeah,” he murmured, rubbing my arms with his hands, “It is.”

I felt my eyelids drooping as warmth seeped into my bones. The next moment I was asleep.

 

 

Chapter 18 – What are we doing?

 

Seth

 

It had shocked me to see Joel stood there, looking absolutely frozen.

Not as much as it shocked me to hear him say that he just needed to kiss me and to hear him say that we belonged together – and I think I might have agreed with him...

Now, though, with him snoring a little as he fully relaxed against me, lost in sweet dreams, it occurred to me once I really thought about it, that he was absolutely right. We totally did belong together... So, why was I fighting my feelings for him?

It wasn’t even as if Will was bothered. Will loved him. He’d even asked me if Joel was my boyfriend. The kid didn’t see it as a problem in me dating a guy after being with his mum – so why was I making it one?

It was time I got with the program. It was time to tell Joel how I felt.

Time to man up and admit my feelings for him.

I closed my eyes and breathed in the scent of him. He smelled so damned good – a mixture of coconut and something slightly citrus.

He turned over in his sleep onto his back and I was able to study his beautiful face. His nose was perfectly straight and he had the longest lashes I’d ever seen on a guy. Beautiful. That was what he was, utterly beautiful.

He opened his eyes and looked straight at me. Fuck. Busted! I smiled at him, “Hi.” I said.

He smiled back at me, “Hi.” He said, “I’m sorry I got you worried.”

I shrugged, “Hey, don’t worry about it – keeps me on my toes.” Reminds me that I’m alive and have feelings...

His eyes strayed my mouth, “So,” he said playfully, “Since I walked all the way back from my brother’s house in the wind and the snow just to kiss you – can I kiss you?” He asked.

My heart started to thump a little harder in my chest. This was getting into dangerous territory but one little kiss wasn’t going to hurt... “Sure.” I agreed and leaned into him.

His lips met mine. They were soft and warm, which was a relief because he’d been absolutely frozen when he first got home. He still tasted vaguely of the shots he’d obviously had with Harley and Alfie. How the hell could they have let him go? I’d have something to say to Alfie about that tomorrow night...

“You taste of apples and of home.” Joel mumbled, “And I love it.”

I smiled against his lips, “And you taste of Amaretto.” I whispered back to him, “Are you warmer now?”

He nodded, shifting a little, “Yeah,” he said, “I’m feeling a lot warmer now – and kind of horny.”

I wanted to laugh. He was quite clearly still a little drunk even if he had walked over a mile to get home in the freezing conditions outside. “What would you like to do about that?” I asked.

He blinked and then focused on me, fully alert. Uh-oh, now I was in trouble... “I’d like you to kiss me like you mean it – and we’ll see where it takes us.” He said.

Well, I could do that...

 

 

Joel

 

“Kiss me like you mean it – and we’ll see where it takes us.” My heart was in my mouth.  I was brave because I’d still got the shots in my system but I knew deep down that I was pushing him too hard. He’d bolt any second, I was sure of it.

But he didn’t bolt, he smiled instead and then he leaned into me and claimed my mouth with his. His tongue brushed against mine, tentatively at first, but then he really started to get into it and was licking and tasting and fuck, he was devouring my mouth! And I was loving every dirty second of it.

But he didn’t stop there... His hands started to wander and he was pushing my towel down, exposing my chest and then my stomach. My brain was screaming out “Lower!” but thankfully I didn’t say it out loud... Or maybe I did because eventually he did go lower, but first of all he paid a whole lot of attention to my nipples...

“Fuck,” I groaned as he pinched and then nibbled with his teeth, first one and then the other of my nipples. I’d never really paid much attention to nipples before but I would now... It was like they were connected by little electrical impulses directly to my balls, “That feels incredible, Seth.”

He nodded, “I knew you’d like that.” He murmured.

“How?” I might be killing the mood with my questions, but I really wanted to know how he’d known that about me.

He leaned up and smiled, “You always have erect nipples when you’re dancing.”

I blinked, “Do I?”

He nodded and then, impulsively, he dipped his head back down and licked my nipples again.

I let out a massive, shuddery sigh. I wanted him to lick me everywhere...

He shuffled out from beside me, “May I?” He asked as he straddled me.

I nodded, feeling breathless as he loomed over me, looking absolutely fucking beautiful. He continued his trail with his tongue down my body. I sucked in my stomach and laughed as he dipped his tongue playfully in my belly button. He chuckled and then I stopped breathing altogether as his fingers found the edge of the towel that was the only thing covering my very painfully erect cock.

“May I?” He repeated.

I couldn’t speak. This was more than I could have ever imagined happening between us. I nodded dumbly.

He pulled the towel away from me and just stared at my cock. Did he like what he saw? Was I big enough? Was I too big? I was pretty well endowed but I didn’t have a whole lot of guys in my past to compare sizes with. I’d never been promiscuous. I’d been out with one guy that was bigger than me – and one that was smaller... I didn’t really care how big a guy was, just as long as he knew what he was doing with it, who cared?

“You’re beautiful,” he breathed, reaching out and stroking his fingers down the length of me.

I sucked in a sharp breath, “Oh, fuck.” I groaned, “Don’t stop.”

He shook his head, “I wasn’t planning on it.” He murmured and then he shuffled down my legs and licked me from root to tip...

“Get your cock out.” I begged. “I want to suck you too.”

He shook his head, “Later.” He murmured, “I want to make you feel good first.”

Oh, wow. He was the perfect boyfriend – and surely now we would be boyfriends... wouldn’t we?

 

*

 

I woke up the next morning alone and in my own bed, but I was feeling absolutely amazing. Last night had been fucking awesome. We’d made each other come. Seth had sucked me off and then I’d done the same for him. He’d refused to take his tee shirt off, so I wasn’t able to give his nipples any of the treatment he’d given mine, but that was okay – plenty of time for that before we went to work...

I stretched my arms above my head and wondered where he was – he’d definitely fallen asleep with me last night but obviously he’d left at some point. I couldn’t hear the shower running but he couldn’t be far away...

I got up and went looking for him. It was lovely and warm in the house but rather than walking around starkers, I pulled on a clean pair of boxers out of my drawer and then found my black jeans off the floor and grabbed my blue hoody. I poked my head around his bedroom door, fully expecting him to be in bed – but he wasn’t there either.

I frowned. Where the hell was he then?

I hurried down to the lounge wondering if he’d be there or in the kitchen. My heart plummeted when I noticed the scrawled note on the coffee table.

 

“Joel.

Can’t believe I did that last night – I’m so sorry. It won’t happen again. I won’t be around for a couple of days. I need to figure some stuff out.

Seth.”

 

Oh, fuck. I knew it had been too good to be true.

I whipped my phone out and composed a text,

“I know you’re freaking out and I’m sorry. You don’t have to feel guilty for what we did.”

But that was obviously exactly what he was feeling and I didn’t know what to do to make him feel better about himself.

I read the message and sent it. I didn’t know what else to put. I had no idea if he’d read it because he had a different style phone to mine so all I knew was that it had been delivered. I had no idea where he was either. Fuck. I’d pushed too hard and I’d frightened him away. Great. Well done Joel, brilliant job.

I dragged myself to work and was surprised to see that Buzz was chatting to Peyton McKenzie. I’d met him a couple of times but I’d never seen him all dressed up in clubbing clothes. Looked like he and Kody were enjoying a night out. Did that mean Seth was baby-sitting around at his house? Did I dare ask? Fuck it. I was in love with the guy. If I didn’t ask, I’d just keep on worrying myself to death and I’d be really crap on my podium... The only trouble was – how did I address him? Mr McKenzie or Peyton – or just to stick with sir? Fuck...

Deciding to be brave I thought I’d go with his first name, “Peyton.” I muttered, nodding to him as I went to pass him.

He stopped. Clearly he wasn’t going to let me by without speaking to me. Ohhhh, God. “Ah,” he smiled, “Joel, isn’t it?”

I nodded, feeling like a total and utter doofus. “Uh, yeah.”

He smiled, “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

I blinked, “You have?” I said, “Who from?” My heart was about thumping out of my chest. Had Seth been talking about me?

He tapped his nose, “I never reveal my sources.” He said with a grin on his smug face that I just wanted to smack.

Kody frowned at him, “Stop playing with him.” He growled. “You know you came here to talk to him about Seth. Well, here he is – so talk to him.”

Peyton rolled his eyes, “You know,” he said, “Sometimes you’re really no fun.”

Kody’s face cracked into a really quite adorable grin, “But the rest of the time you love me.” He said.

Peyton laughed, “Yes.” He said, “I do.”

I waited. He wanted to talk to me about Seth? So Seth was definitely at their house then... In the middle of a forest, hiding from me...

“You and Seth have gotten close.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement.

I nodded, “Yes.” I had nothing to hide. I wasn’t messing around. I wanted a future with Seth.

He ran his hand through his hair, “You know that he was really in love with Siobhan, don’t you?”

I nodded, “Yes.”

He pursed his lips, “And you know he truly believes himself to be straight.”

I rolled my eyes and nodded again, “Yes,” I said, “I know all of this – listen, what’s your point?”

Peyton smiled, “I think you’re good for him. He’s questioning everything he’s always believed about himself. You’ve disturbed his comfortable little bubble of misery and given him hope – and he doesn’t know what to do about it.”

Well, that was as maybe – but where did that leave us? “So what do I do about it?”

He shrugged, “He just needs time to work out what he’s feeling for you.”

I stared at him in disbelief. “So, you’re telling me to just get on with life and forget about him?” I’d kind of hoped that he was going to give me all the answers I needed.

He nodded, “For now. Yes.” He said, “Push him and you’ll just push him away.”

I nodded. Fair enough. I knew when to back off...

 

 

Chapter 19 – Surprise meeting in the park...

 

Seth

 

I stayed with Peyton and Kody for two days – and in that time, I had my ear chewed off for being a total dick by the pair of them – they were like a tag-team and with Will chirruping on about how cool he thought Joel was too, I was glad to get home – at least there I only had Joel himself to contend with...

Only he wasn’t there when I got back. He’d taken off to go and stay with his brother and Alfie for a few days. He’d left a note similar to mine. Getting the treatment back that I’d thought was fine to dish out made me realise what a total tit I’d been over the whole thing.

 

“Seth,

Gone to stay with Harley, will be back in a couple of days. Need to evaluate what I’m doing with my life.

Joel.”

 

It was the Easter break and even though I’d moved back home, I was still helping Peyton and Kody out with William and I was looking after him one morning, since school was out and they were both working full time. It was the least I could do on my day off. So there we were, strolling through the park and heading for the adventure playground when we spotted, up ahead of us, a guy in a bright blue bobble hat and a tight-fitting black coat with impossibly tight jeans, surrounded by his kids and pushing a double-buggy up the hill effortlessly. Wow. He had six... no, seven kids – and they all appeared to be under ten. He and his wife have been busy, I thought with some amusement as I watched him admiringly. Some people were just meant to be parents – even men in impossibly tight jeans that got my blood pumping...

Once upon a time I’d thought I was one of those men and I’d thought Siobhan and I might have a couple more kids with each other – brothers or sisters for William. I sighed, obviously it hadn’t been meant to be...

Suddenly William took off at speed after the guy with a yelled “Joel!”

Joel? That unbelievably sexy guy in his tighter than tight jeans was Joel? Fuck me. What the hell was he doing with all those kids?

I squinted into the sunshine. It was one of those perfect early spring mornings where the grass beneath my feet crunched when I walked on it and the sun was unbelievably bright with the most stunning blue sky.

Oh, my God. It really was Joel. What the hell was he doing, pushing a double buggy, with five other children surrounding him? Was he a child-minder in his spare time or something? “He’s like the fucking pied piper.” I muttered as I followed after William as quickly as my gammy leg would allow. The last person I wanted to see this morning was Joel, not least because I looked bloody awful. I’d had another nightmare in the night and Joel hadn’t been there to snuggle me back to sleep – something I’d kind of started to rely on before I fucked it all up with my stupid reaction to us getting jiggy... God, I was such a wanker. I only had to let myself be happy... It seriously couldn’t be as difficult as I was making it.

William had caught Joel up by the time I rounded the corner to the children’s playground and I was amazed to see Will chatting and laughing with Joel as he unloaded the two smallest children from the buggy. The three older children had gone off to play on the swings together. One of the twins was still in the buggy and he was sitting, waiting patiently for Joel to undo the straps holding him in. The other three children were stood, holding hands and being really well behaved as he wrestled with the straps. His hands weren’t gloved and I couldn’t help noticing how red they were. Dammit, the guy really didn’t prepare himself well enough for the weather. I felt in my pockets and found the pair of gloves I’d stuffed in to them as we left home in case William got cold. I’d give them to Joel once he was done. Seriously, I couldn’t wait for the weather to warm up. Winter was relentless this year – it was April for fuck’s sake. Was the summer ever going to arrive?

Once the straps were off, the small child put his arms up for Joel to help him out of the seat and he picked him up like he’d been born to the job of dad.

My heart flip-flopped in my chest. Oh, my God, he was perfect... utterly perfect. What had I been thinking of? Of course we should be a couple – and get married and have loads of adopted kids...

William turned and beamed at me, “Joel’s got all of his nieces and nephew for the weekend.” He informed me. His three sisters and their husbands have all gone to Centerparcs together for a break.”

I nodded, “Oh, right,” I agreed, “That’s gotta be a bit challenging.”

Joel turned and eyed me. He wasn’t being exactly hostile but neither was he being particularly friendly. I guess I deserved it after the way I’d been acting around him – blowing hot and cold. It had to be confusing for him – hell, it was confusing enough for me... “I like a challenge.” He said, “It makes life more exciting.”

I didn’t really know what he was getting at, but I felt it was something more to do with me than with the kids. I held out the gloves to him, “Your hands look cold.” I said lamely.

Surprisingly, that seemed to be all in took for me to be treated to the most beautiful smile. “Thank you.” He said as he took them from me, “I forgot to grab mine on the way out – I was too busy making sure this lot were all wrapped up.” He grinned.

I raised my eyebrows, “I had no idea you had such a big family.”

He nodded, “Oh, yeah – we have three sisters – all of them have had kids. “The twins are Sabine’s – she’s Harley’s twin sister, then the three other boys belong to Juliet and the two girls are Denise’s.”

“Weren’t you and Harley and Alfie invited?” I asked. They could have all gone, couldn’t they?

He rolled his eyes, “Well, Harley and Alfie refused to go, they said that leaving me at home with all the kids was just too cruel while they all went away on a romantic weekend. I’m the only one left that isn’t married off, you see...”

I felt my face getting hot. He’d make someone a fabulous husband one day – maybe me... I nodded, “Well, that was nice of them...”

He grinned, “Yeah,” he said, “I love spending time with the kids, though – they’re so refreshingly honest and straightforward.”

Was that a bit of a dig at me? Or was I just being cranky again because I’d had so little sleep?

Joel frowned at me as he peered a little more closely at me, “You didn’t sleep last night, did you?”

I shrugged, “Not much.” I said. I didn’t want him feeling guilty for being away from home for the night. That wasn’t what I wanted at all. “I’m okay.”

He shook his head, “No, you’re not.” He said softly. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, Seth. I’ll be home again soon. I promise.”

A lump started to form in my throat. He was far too nice a guy for me. I was selfish and self-pitying. I needed to man up... “I look forward to it.” I smiled at him.

I looked around to see what William was up to. He’d gone to join the older kids on the swings. They were all happily chatting to each other. Joel smiled, “Looks like they’re all getting on well – fancy joining us for lunch? I was only gonna take them to Maccy’s.”

I nodded. Suddenly I wanted nothing more than to spend the day with Joel and his many nieces and nephews. “Thanks.” I said, “That sounds amazing.”

 

We made our way slowly to the fast-food restaurant and once again, I went to sit down with the smaller kids and Joel headed off to the counter to order the food. I watched him as he made his way, surrounded by the older ones, all of them shouting out their order to him and I marvelled at his calm, chipper manner as he easily put in the order for us all, not forgetting one detail of any of their orders.

He came back over, “She said she’d bring everything over once it’s done.” He informed me happily as he slid into the seat next to me.

I looked up at him and smiled, “Fab,” I agreed.

All of the kids were chatting amongst themselves and I felt it was best to tell him that things could never progress between us. He needed a guy that was as capable and whole as he was. I was a bit of a broken shell. I was still in shock and grieving for Siobhan, but aside from that – I really wasn’t physically in any shape to be in a relationship with such a beautiful and able-bodied man.

Needless to say, he didn’t agree with me, “Don’t be stupid,” he said through his mouthful of cheeseburger, so it came out a bit more like, “Gon’t ge fupid.”

“I’m not being stupid.” I replied calmly, “You’re still young, you’ll meet some other guy one day,” even as the words left my mouth, the cold hand of fear gripped my heart but I had to say it. I had to set him free of me, “either at Studs,” please don’t let it be there, “or here at the park – and you’ll realise that I’m right.”

Joel’s eyebrows bunched and I realised with a bit of a start that he was frowning at me, “You really don’t get it, do you?” He asked.

At that point, both Will and two of the boys with Joel all seemed to think it was their right to start listening in – and joining in the conversation.

“Don’t get what?” Asked Will.

“None of your business, young man,” Joel said with a bit of a forced grin, “Eat your fries.”

“I’m full.” He said.

I knew he wasn’t. “Pass them here, then, mate.” I said, “I’m not full and they looked really good.”

His face changed and he started tucking into them again.

Joel smiled at me, “A little bit of reverse psychology, huh?”

I shrugged and grinned, “Works wonders.” I said.

He raised an eyebrow but didn’t comment further, which was a shame because he never did tell me what I didn’t get...

 

 

Chapter 20 – Frustration...

 

Joel

 

As much as I felt that I was falling in love with Seth, I have to say that he was the most frustrating person on the planet.

What the hell was it with him? Did he seriously look in the mirror and see something completely different to what the rest of the world saw? Because I’m telling you now – he was beautiful. He might have had the tiniest burn scar on his cheek, but it didn’t detract from his almost ethereal beauty one little bit. Of course he wasn’t perfect – no one was – but he was as near to perfect as it got for me. Why the hell couldn’t he take me seriously?

I decided to go and chew Peyton McKenzie’s ear off about it, so once I’d dropped the kids off with Alfie and Harley for the afternoon, I headed over to the restaurant he now spent most of his time at, Diamonds and Lace.

He’d told me to go for it with Seth – and I would love to do just that – but I was beginning to wonder if things would ever get off the ground between us and I really needed someone else’s input because I was fast running out of ideas and he was stubbornly pushing me away when I knew he liked me too.

“I’m worried about him, Peyton – it’s almost as if he feels that he has no purpose in life anymore.” And he does – he can belong to me... “He’s pushing me away and telling me to find someone who is whole.”

Peyton nodded his head thoughtfully, “Yeah, you’re right,” he agreed, “I talked to him to the other day and that’s exactly what he thinks. I think I have just the thing.” He smiled at my frown of confusion, “I thought I was going to have to piss Rufus off and ask him to babysit on Easter Sunday, but you’ve just given me the best idea.”

I blinked, still confused, “I have?” I asked.

He nodded, “Oh, yeah,” he said, his smile widening to a startlingly handsome grin. “Leave it with me – we’ll sort him out between us, don’t you worry about it.”

Kody looked up from where he was sitting, “You’re not interfering in other people’s business are you, my love?” He asked mildly.

Peyton grinned at him, “Me?” He asked innocently, “As if I’d do that.”

Kody chuckled. “You’re a bad, bad man.” He said.

At the look on Peyton’s face to be called a bad, bad man in the tone of voice that Kody had just used, I felt it prudent to excuse myself before I got a live show of something I’d usually search for on Tumblr...

I got outside into the fresh air. It was a much milder day today than it had been in what felt like forever. There was actually some heat in the sun today and everything looked brighter and more cheerful. Was it actually better? Or was I feeling more hopeful because Peyton was about to help me get my man?

 

 

Chapter 21 – Peyton’s advice...

 

Seth

 

Peyton came charging into the lounge and stood in front of me with his hands on his hips, “You’ve got to go home.” He said, “You’ve got to put that poor kid out of his misery and tell him you love him.”

I stared up at him with my mouth open, “What?” I asked, “Fuck, I only came round to pick up my laptop and Kody offered me a coffee – I have gone home. He’s the one who’s left now. When I got there, he’d left a note saying he was at Harley’s – re-evaluating his life.”

Peyton rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath about the pair of us. I doubt it was complimentary to either me or to Joel so I chose to ignore it. Peyton, however, had other ideas and decided to give me a piece of his mind anyway. “Will told me about the park and Maccy’s – what is wrong with you? Why don’t you want to be happy?”

“I do want to be happy.” I grumbled.

Peyton looked at me. His exasperation with me absolutely palpable, “Well that guy, Joel Fitzgerald, is your one way ticket to happiness, my friend – so for fuck’s sake wake up and smell the coffee. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you’re not as straight as you thought you were after all and that you’ve realised that actually he’s the one – and get him to come home where he belongs – with you.”

I was about to protest. I was about to start telling Peyton all the reasons that Joel shouldn’t bother with me and that I wasn’t worth his time and effort. That I’d never be the man I was before and that Joel could do so much better. But the more these thoughts went round in my mind, the more my voice of reason kept knocking them back. If Joel thought I was worthwhile, then why the hell shouldn’t I feel worthwhile? If Joel thought I was the man for him, why the hell not try to be the man for him?

 I nodded. Peyton made a whole lot of sense sometimes. Suddenly it was the most obvious thing in the world. I stood up. “You’re right.” I said, “I do need to tell him how I feel.” I bit my lip, “Do you think I should come out to everyone else while I’m at it?”

Peyton burst out laughing, “You can if you want to, mate – but no one’s gonna bat an eye-lid – they all thought you were gay anyway.”

I grinned, “Yeah,” I said, “Most people were surprised when I said I was straight.”

Peyton smiled at me and shook his head, “You were never straight, Seth.” He said kindly, “I always knew you’d end up with a guy – it was kind of inevitable.”

“But I really loved Siobhan.” I argued, because I really had loved her. She’d been everything I’d wanted while we were together, “I absolutely worshipped the ground she walked on – we had a great sex life and everything...”

Peyton shrugged, looking slightly perplexed that I’d tell him something so personal, “Well, that’s as maybe.” He said, “Maybe you’re bisexual or maybe you’re gay – or maybe you’re pansexual. Who knows? And frankly, I don’t care and I doubt very much if Joel cares either. It’s not about the label, Seth – it’s about the person you choose to spend your life with. Love is love.”

I nodded. I couldn’t agree more... I just had to get him alone long enough to try to explain everything. I really hoped he was still interested enough to listen but with him living over at his brother’s house – it might be a little challenging. Still, he wasn’t the only one that was up for a challenge...

 

 

Chapter 22 – Peyton’s interference...

 

Seth

 

I could hear my phone ringing incessantly but I was in the shower and there was no fucking way I was going to be able to get out and get to my room to answer it before it had rung off so I had to just listen to it’s tinkly tone until it rang off. Finally it did and then I heard the bleep that told me I had a voicemail.

Hoping against hope that it was Joel, I dried myself off as quickly as I could and then I shot to my bedroom as fast as my gammy leg would allow me to go.

I listened to the voicemail and grimaced. Shit. I really wanted to go and find Joel...

“I hate to do this to you, Seth – but I have literally no one else to turn to – both Kody and I have to work since half of the work-force have come down with flu. Will needs you buddy – he loves you. Please would you just have him for a couple of hours, Easter Day?”

My heart squeezed painfully in my chest. I couldn’t let my boy down. It was his first Easter Day without her – and you know, it wasn’t nearly as bad as Christmas Day was going to be but last Easter we’d had a blast with Easter egg hunts and then we’d gone out for dinner and it had been a great day. I couldn’t match that day for him – but I had to do something to make it a good day for him.

Losing his mother at such a young age was terrible. Will had been shell-shocked and had stayed with Kody and Peyton. I’d just crawled into a hole and waited to die. But I hadn’t died. I was still here – fit as a fiddle and healthy as a horse – albeit a lame one... I had to help them out even if it was painful to be reminded that I didn’t have anyone particularly special to spend the day with – to be reminded of what might have been...

I rang Peyton back, “Okay.” I whispered, “What do you want me to do? Pick him up in the morning and bring him back to mine?”

Peyton cleared his throat, “Well, you could always bring him for dinner to the restaurant, and uh, I’m guessing you’ve spoken to Joel since our chat the other day – so why don’t you bring him along too?”

I rolled my eyes. Peyton was anything but subtle. “Actually I haven’t spoken to him at all yet.” He was a tricky guy to pin down if he didn’t want to be. “But I guess I could give him a call and ask him if he wants to help.” I bit my lip. It made a whole lot of sense to ask him to come along, since Will seemed to absolutely adore him and this was all about getting Will through the day intact, not trying to get him back on track with me... “And Will really likes him.” And so do I...

I could hear the massive grin in Peyton’s voice as he said goodbye. I loved my friends – but sometimes I wished they’d just leave me the hell alone to sort out my own mess. I might not be as straight as I thought I was – and I couldn’t deny that kissing Joel was probably the most awesome experience of my existence but it didn’t mean Joel was about to declare his undying love for me and want to spend the rest of his life with me just because I wanted it. I’d hurt him with my constant rejection and excuses as to why we shouldn’t be together. What if he’d already decided I wasn’t worth his effort? As much as he liked me, there was no denying that he was a good couple of years younger than me – and probably nowhere near ready to settle down. There I went again... denial.

 

 

Chapter 23 – Best Uncle...

 

Joel

 

My phone was ringing... Fuck! Where was it? Where was it?

I followed the noise and found it just in time for whoever was calling me to ring off. “Bastard!” I muttered to myself as I picked it up and flipped open the protective case – what can I say? I was a clumsy klutz and I didn’t want to drop my precious phone and smash the screen...

I stared at the screen. Seth? It had been Seth calling me. Holy fucking hell! I called him back immediately.

“Joel?”

I took a deep breath and sent up a silent prayer that it hadn’t been a pocket dial. Shit. What if it had been a pocket dial? “Uh, y-yes, it’s uh, it’s me.” I stammered, “D-Did you just call me?” Or was it a pocket dial? I squeezed my eyes shut. Fuck... Why was I always so damned impulsive? Should have thought this one through, before you jumped in, Joel...

His deep chuckle had my dick waking up instantly, “Yeah, I did call. I uh, I wondered what you were doing on Sunday afternoon?”

My jaw dropped. Absolutely fucking nothing. Mum had been invited to my sister’s for Sunday dinner and even though I’d been loosely invited, no one was gonna make a big deal about me not turning up.

I’d vaguely toyed with the idea of making red velvet cup cakes and some shortbread but other than that... “Nothing, why?” I answered a little breathlessly. Fuck. Why did I always make myself too available? Where was my ‘play hard to get’ gene? Simple – I didn’t have one.

“Good.” He said, “I’m taking Will to dinner and I wondered if you’d like to come with us. Maybe we could go to the park first and then go on from there?”

I smiled. Okay, so it wasn’t exactly a date – but it meant that we got to see each other on neutral ground – and it was a chance to find a way forward as friends if nothing else. “That sounds like a lot of fun. Shall I meet you both at the park...?”

He faltered slightly, “Oh, uh, yeah – that’s cool. What time shall we say? Eleven o’clock.”

“Eleven sounds fine.” I said, “I look forward to it.” And I really did. It was time I went home too. I couldn’t keep hiding out at Harley and Alfie’s. I had to face Seth sometime – and face the fact that he might never want to be more than friends....

 

*

 

I got to the park early. Well of course I did. I was dying to see Seth. Since I’d taken off for a few days with Harley and Alfie, I’d been missing him like mad. We hadn’t even spoken to each other at the club. I’d chosen to go to the other end of the bar for drinks between my dance sessions and I’d gone home as soon as I’d finished.

I saw Seth and Will coming. Will was getting bigger – and looking at the length of his legs in his jeans, he was going to be a tall man when he was all grown up.

He spotted me and waved.

I grinned and waved back. Will was a lovely kid.

As they got closer I smiled shyly at Seth, “Hi, Seth,” I said, “Good to see you, buddy.”

He smiled back at me, “Good to see you too.” He said, “I’ve missed you – home isn’t home without you.”

My heart leapt at his words. “I’ll be back tonight.” I said, “I’ll go and get my stuff when we’ve finished up at the restaurant – where are we going anyway?”

Seth looked at me sheepishly, “Uh, Diamonds and Lace.” He said.

I blinked, “Peyton’s fancy restaurant?” I squeaked. Fuck. I couldn’t afford those sorts of prices...

He nodded, “Peyton’s paying.” He said, grinning at me, reading my mind, “I can’t afford it either – he kind of arranged the whole thing for us...”

My jaw dropped, “Uh?”

Seth smiled sheepishly again, “Yeah.” He agreed, “He thinks I need to make more of an effort to be happy.”

Will was running ahead so we were able to have our conversation in peace.

My heart started to beat a little faster. Was he saying what I was hoping he was saying? “And are you... uh, gonna do that?”

He let out a massive sigh, “I’m gonna try.” He said, “That’s all I can promise you right now.”

I nodded, “Fair enough.” I said, “Let’s go and catch Will up and we can have a go on the swings.”

Seth grinned, “I haven’t been on the swings in years.”

I laughed, “Why not? You’ve got a skinny enough behind.”

He blinked, his jaw dropping, “Have you been checking out my arse?”

I nodded, rolling my eyes, “Well, of course I’ve been checking out your arse, dude – you’ve got a very nice arse.” I couldn’t keep my eyes off it, truth be known.

He chuckled and went a little pink. I think he was secretly pleased...

I grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the swings. Will was already there and he’d already found a friend too – and they were currently running around the purpose built fort yelling and laughing and having a really fabulous time.

Seth grinned as he watched him, “He’s amazing, isn’t he?” He said.

I nodded, “He really is.” I agreed.

He sighed, “I really loved being his stepdad when Siobhan and I lived together.” He said softly, “It was the best time of my life.”

I swallowed. I wanted him to have that again with me so much. And he could if he’d only allow himself to.

“You still are his stepdad.” I said, “He loves you – anyone can see that.”

He nodded, “I suppose... it’s not the same anymore, though...”

My heart sank. He really was still in love with Siobhan. I had no fucking chance trying to compete with her – she’d been the love of his life – but in death, she seemed to have become even more than that. She was perfect now. There were no flaws for him to find annoying. She couldn’t ever piss him off by leaving her shoes in the middle of the hallway or her coat on his peg...

“We’d better get moving in a minute.” He said after we’d swung on the swings for about ten minutes, neither of us talking – both lost in our own depressing little thoughts.

I jumped slightly, “Oh, yeah, sure – right you are.” I hopped off the swing and shouted to Will. “Come on, mate – time for us to go and eat.”

He came bounding across to us, beaming. “I had a great time with Dylan.” He said, “He shared some of his chocolate with me too.”

Seth smiled, “Well, I hope you’ll still be able to eat your dinner.” He said, “Or your dad’ll have my guts for garters!”

Will chuckled, “Guts for garters,” he said, “You’re funny.”

We were shown to our table, which I thought was suspiciously private and kind of romantic if I was going to really analyse the situation.

Seth looked a little uncomfortable about it too. “Shall we ask for another table that’s a bit more out in the open?” I asked, hating that I was drawing attention to the fact that we had a couple’s booth but at the same time, not wanting to put any unnecessary pressure on him. Hell, he’d asked me to join him and Will for dinner but he certainly wouldn’t have asked me to go for dinner with him on our own.

Seth looked up at me, his massive brown eyes looking slightly worried. “I’m cool with it, if you are...”

I smiled, “I think it’s fine.” I said, “I just...” I trailed off. I was making things worse. “Let’s just sit down.”

Will had shot off to see his dad. I wasn’t sure we’d see him at all before dinner was served, so we had quite a lot of time where it was just the two of us.

I took a deep breath. What he’d said at the park had been going around and around in my head all the way to the restaurant and I wanted to re-visit the conversation...

He’d said he loved being a stepdad to Will – and I could see how good he was with him. I had no idea if he’d welcome what I’d got to say – but I felt that I had to say something about it. If I didn’t it might never come up again and I felt that it was suddenly imperative that I did... Don’t fuck this up Joel... “You said earlier that you loved being Will’s stepdad.”

He blinked those amazing eyes at me and nodded, looking a little surprised that I’d brought it up again.

I nodded, “I understand that, you know – I feel the same way about my nieces and nephews. In fact, I’m the best uncle my nieces and nephews have – in my over-inflated opinion of myself, that is, of course.” I flashed him a grin, making him smile that made my heart soar, “But I want kids of my own one day too. And I was wondering – do you think that maybe we could do that together someday?” I held my breath. Shit. This conversation had just gotten out of hand. I’d gone in too early. My heart was in my mouth at my audacity. Hell, I knew how I felt about him – but he’d never even admitted to being bisexual, never mind anything else and here was I, asking him to be mine forever... well, you know, in a kind of roundabout way, anyway...

His jaw dropped and he looked at me as if I was quite, quite mad. Maybe he had a point... “You want someday with me?” He asked incredulously.

I nodded. I’d dropped the bomb already. It was time to put everything out there. The whole nine yards... “I want every fucking day with you, dude,” I admitted, “I’m kind of in love with you.” Holy fucking shit, did I just say that? Well too late now. I’d already said it.

Seth gazed at me with his mouth slightly open, “Are you serious?”

I nodded, “Absolutely serious.” I said, “And I get it that you’re not even bisexual and I’m probably totally fucking delusional – but just hear me out. We could make it work – we get on well don’t we? Can’t we just be mates that live together and have kids?”

His lips twitched, “Joel,” he said.

I looked at him, my heart starting to thump in my chest at the way he was looking at me, “Yeah?” I whispered since I’d lost all power of speech at the look on face.

“Just shut up and kiss me.”

 

 

Chapter 24 – Confessions...

 

Joel

 

We got back after midnight and the house was chilly again. We probably didn’t need the wood-burner on but fuck it – I liked it.

“So, tell me what happened that night?” We were lying together on his sofa with the wood-burning stove flickering away and making the room toasty warm. The only light in the room coming from the fire.

Seth closed his eyes and breathed in slowly through his nose, “It was a week before her birthday and we were going to meet Peyton and Kody for a meal around at their place.” I nodded and shifted my position slightly so he could lean back against me. I draped my arm around his waist and let my hand rest on his hip. “She was getting ready and I was watching Toy Story with Will.”

I could see him in my mind, they’d be snuggled up on the sofa the way they were here sometimes when I got in. Will wasn’t around often but whenever he was, they were either going head to head on the PlayStation, or they were snuggled up with a big blanket each watching some Disney movie or other. Seth was a great dad. Watching him with Will made me want to get married and have kids... Maybe someday we would...

He smiled mistily, “She was taking forever – reckoned she’d done her eyebrows wrong or something.” He shook his head, “Will and I weren’t bothered – it gave us a chance to watch the whole movie.” He chuckled at the memory but then he let out a long sigh. “Anyway – finally she was ready and we set off. We were almost there when this car came out of nowhere and drove directly at us. There was nowhere for her to go, she tried her best to swerve out of the way, but the fucking lunatic was just intent on crashing into us. Well, of course he was – it was his sole intention to kill her – and Will and probably me too. I wasn’t his target but he wouldn’t have cared if he’d killed all three of us.”

I nodded. I already knew all of this. Harley had told me all about Callum McCarthy’s cousin wanting to wreak revenge on Peyton for the death of his brother or something, but hearing it from Seth’s point of view was so much more powerful. He’d lived it...

“So, anyway... She was screaming, and Will was in the back and he was screaming and I wasn’t aware of it at the time but I was screaming too. Finally the car stopped rolling. We were upside down. I thought that was the end of it. Siobhan looked at me and she didn’t seem to be particularly badly hurt. She was frightened – well of course she was, and worried – but not for herself. She was only worried for Will. She begged me to get him out first.”

I held my breath. Oh, God, so she’d still been alive at that point... That made it all the more horrifying. And poor Seth would have thought they were all going to be okay.

“I got Will out and told him to go and stand behind the railings on the pavement, and bless him, he did exactly as I told him to without any fuss. I turned back to get Siobhan out and that was when I saw that the car had caught fire.” He sucked in a shuddery gasp of air as he fought with his emotions, “I tried so hard to get her out... I really tried, Joel – so fucking hard, but that was when I discovered that her legs were trapped and something had happened to the steering column – it was pinning her to the seat and she was bleeding – like, really bleeding. She’d have probably died from her injuries even if we had been able to drag her out. There really wasn’t anything I could do to help her. She knew she was going to die and she was screaming at me to get out of the car, telling me to save myself and to look after Will. She asked me to make sure he never forgot her and then she just...” He sniffed. “They were her last words. The fucking car had caught fire and it was burning fast. Hell, I was burning. I really didn’t want to leave her, though... It was your brother who saved my life...”

I blinked, “What?” He knew it was Harley? Fuck. What else did he know about that night? Did he know I’d been there too?

He nodded, “Yeah,” he said, “He’s some guy. I have a lot of respect for him – he punched my lights out and dragged me out of the car and away from the wreckage, just moments before it exploded. There was nothing he could do for Siobhan. She’d stopped screaming...” He shuddered, “She didn’t stand a chance...” His face crumpled and he started to cry. I wrapped my arms around him and he sobbed against my shoulder, “I still miss her so much, Joel. I loved her – so damned much...”

It was time to tell him that I’d been there. Was this the moment it got creepy and he was freaked out? Was I a stalker? Had he been dating his ultimate stalker? I didn’t feel like one... I didn’t think I was one... But fuck. He might think I was one...

“I was there too,” I said softly.

Seth shifted position so he could look at me. He frowned, “What?” He asked.

I nodded, “It was take-your-kid-to-work day.”

His frown deepened, “What on earth are you talking about?”

I took a deep breath. Fuck. He was gonna freak for sure... “The night Siobhan died – I was with Harley.”

His jaw dropped, “You were with him?”

I nodded, “I’m sorry that I’ve never said anything before. I’ve wanted to a few times but I always felt too awkward and I thought you might think I was some sort of a stalker...” Fuck. Hadn’t meant to start that one off...

He blinked. “How much did you see?”

I swallowed. I hated thinking about that night. “I saw the car. I heard you screaming to get her out. I saw you burning...” I shuddered.

He looked utterly horrified, “Oh, God...” He put his face in his hands. “You saw me at my absolute rock bottom....” He took his hands away from his face, “And you’re still here?” He sounded so incredulous but where the hell else would I be? I was in love with him.

I nodded, tears filling my eyes so much that I couldn’t see him anymore, “Of course I’m still here.” I whispered.

He shook his head, “Why?”

I bit my lip, “Do you believe in love at first sight?” I asked him quietly.

He shrugged, “I guess it can happen.” He said.

I nodded, smiling, “It can happen, Seth.” I said, “And it does – because I fell in love with you at Harley’s wedding...”

His jaw dropped, “But that was ages ago.”

I shrugged and nodded, “I know.” I whispered, “I was only eighteen.” I shrugged, “But when you know, you know... you know?”

He nodded, “Yeah,” he said, “I know.”

“I visited you every day in the hospital too – when you were in your coma. I talked to you every day.”

He stared at me. “Really?” He asked, his own eyes filling with tears now.

I nodded, “I hated that you were always on your own. I thought if you could hear a friendly voice you wouldn’t feel so bad... Stupid, I know...”

He smiled and shook his head, “I don’t think it’s stupid.” He said softly, “I think it’s nice. Thank you.”

I swallowed. I’d been bricking it for months, not knowing if I should tell him that... “You don’t think I’m, like, a stalker or something, do you?” I held my breath, suddenly really afraid that this was going to be the end of what could have been a really amazing relationship...

He grinned, “No, Joel. I think you’re wonderful.”

I heaved a sigh of relief. I’d been worrying over nothing.

He sighed. “I don’t know if I can ever be what you really need, though. I’m not quite whole...”

I snorted, “Of course you are.” I said, “You’ve got no bits missing.”

He shook his head, “Right, you need to see what I look like, naked.”

Hello! That was a bit of a turn up... I started to grin but he shook his head again and rolled his eyes, “I wasn’t talking about getting naked and getting jiggy.” He said with a small smile, “I was talking about how turned off you’re going to be when you see how fucking hideous I am undressed.”

We’d see about that. Getting naked and getting jiggy was exactly what I was talking about... “But you’re beautiful.” I argued, “I don’t care about a few scars.”

He looked at me as he undid his shirt, “There’s more than just a few.” He pulled his shirt out of his jeans and then slowly he slid it off and placed it on the sofa. I looked at him in surprise. What the hell was he doing?

He gazed steadily back at me, “You can look at my scars if you want to.” He said, “Or not.” His shoulders sagged and he reached for his shirt again, “This was a stupid idea.” He muttered, “I already know it’s going to turn you right off me. I’ve got to be fucking crazy...”

I grabbed his arm, “Nothing about you turns me off.” I said firmly, “Nothing.” I stood up and forced myself to look at his chest, upper arms and back. Yes. They were badly scarred from the skin grafts he’d had to have but they really weren’t anywhere near as bad as he clearly thought they were. He was still utterly beautiful to me.

I reached a hand out and stroked his chest, “You’re lovely.” I whispered.

He shook his head, “I’m damaged.” He insisted.

No. He wasn’t and it was time for a gentle reminder that he had a life to live. He didn’t need to live it alone. Siobhan was gone and I was here. I took a deep breath, “I know you loved Siobhan.” I said, tugging him into my arms and wrapping my arms around him, “But she died, Seth. And you didn’t – you still have a life to live and I want you to live it,” I took another deep breath – and a massive leap of faith, “and I want you to live it with me.”

He nodded against my chest. “I want that too.” He said, “I love you, Joel.”

I smiled, feeling my own eyes filling with tears – but with tears of joy that he’d finally admitted that he loved me, “I love you, too.” I said, “So much – and I want to show you how much I love you too – may I?”

He visibly swallowed. I watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down. Why on earth was he so nervous? He was absolutely perfect to me. I couldn’t wait to show him how much I desired him and wanted to make love with him. I waited while I watched a myriad of emotions pass over his face. He was going to turn me down... Finally he looked at me, his beautiful soulful eyes searched mine, “Are you sure?” He asked, his voice cracking, “Are you sure I’m enough for you?”

I nodded, “I’m sure.” I said, “I’m in love with you, Seth. I don’t want anyone else – ever.”

He smiled, “Then let’s go to bed.” He said, holding his hand out to me.

I took his hand in mine and brought it up to my mouth. I kissed the back of his hand, “You won’t regret this, baby.” I said, “I will cherish every single second of our time together – you’ll never look back, I promise.”

He smiled, “I know.” He said, “I know I’ve done my best to push you away but the truth is, you’re everything I need.”

I swallowed hard. I was feeling so emotional. Biting my lip to stop myself from bursting into tears, I nodded, “Same.” I managed to croak out, “Take me to bed.”

 

 

Chapter 25 – For the first time...

 

Seth

 

My heart was in my mouth as I led Joel from the lounge and up the stairs to my room.

I was walking slightly ahead of him and I was very aware that he could see all the scar tissue on my shoulders. Still, he’d seen the worse ones on my chest and he hadn’t batted an eyelid. It really was time that I stopped focusing on the bad stuff and started living my life again.

I pushed the door of my room open and stopped. I really had no idea what we were going to do together. I couldn’t deny that I was no stranger to the odd blowjob, but that was as far as I’d ever got with a guy before – and I had pretty much no idea what sort of experience Joel had had with guys before we met. “Uh...” I began.

Joel stroked my shoulder, making me shudder under his touch, “What’s up?” He asked.

“Have you, uh....”

He cocked his head to one side and looked at me with those bluer than blue eyes I’d been falling in love with for the past few months of us living together, “What?” He asked softly, “Have I had penetrative sex with a guy before?”

I nodded, “Yeah – because I haven’t.”

He shook his head, “I haven’t either. It’s been all about touching and sucking – but I’m game to give it a try if you are – what do you think you’d prefer – top or bottom?”

Oh, my God. He was so straightforward! I loved it. “Uh, I’ve got a bit of a thing for being topped actually – would you like to fuck me?”

His jaw dropped slightly, “Fuck, yeah I would.” He said, “Have we got any condoms and lube and stuff?”

Blushing to the roots of my hair to actually have condoms and lube – and an array of sex toys that I’d used both with Siobhan and alone, I nodded, “Yeah,” I admitted, “I’ve got everything we need.”

He grinned, “Show me.” He said in a sexy growl, “Show me what you’ve got.”

My dick was as hard as a rock in my jeans. Was he referring to my stash of dildos and butt plugs or was he talking about my cock? I didn’t really care. I was feeling so high on love for him and I was so aroused that I wasn’t thinking much about anything – just getting him deliciously naked. I hadn’t felt like this, without feeling guilty about it, in months. It was liberating to finally feel able to let go and fall in love. “What – you want to see my cock?” I asked shyly.

He nodded, his eyes glazing over slightly. He was obviously as turned on as I was. “I want to see it, to feel it, to suck it. You’ve got a very pretty cock.”

“Oh, God.” I groaned, “You’re fucking perfect.”

Joel chuckled, “Ditto.” He whispered, brushing his lips against my ear as he did so. I shivered. Everything about him turned me on, from his beautiful expressive eyes to his slightly pouty mouth. God, I couldn’t wait for him to get those lips around my cock...

And it would seem that neither could he, because he was steering me towards the bed.

He pushed me down onto the bed gently and straddled my thighs, “I’m not sure how far we’ll go tonight,” he said breathlessly, “Because I’ve gotta tell you – the idea of actually having this inside me,” he stroked my cock, which was straining against my jeans, dying to get out, “is pretty scary – so I’m guessing you’re feeling a bit apprehensive about that too.”

I nodded, shrugging my shoulders, “Well, yeah,” I said, “I guess – but I have been practicing...”

He raised an eyebrow, “Practicing?” He asked, his lips curving up at the edges.

I shrugged again, feeling my face heating up. I couldn’t deny that I’d been thinking about us having sex for a while – ever since the night with the wine, actually – and I’d obviously been subconsciously hoping, even when I was totally in denial about my feelings, that we’d get to this point – because I’d bought the dildos and butt plugs and I’d been getting to grips with the feel and size of them. I couldn’t deny they felt pretty good – but they were cold and there was no denying that they were made of plastic. The real thing – the heat of his body inside mine – well, that would be absolutely mind-blowing, I was sure...

“So, you want me to...” He stopped and took in a shuddery breath, “You want to... tonight, you want...?”

Bless him. He couldn’t get his words out properly. I thought I’d better take control of the situation. “Yes, Joel.” I said firmly, “I want you to roll a condom down your cock and then I want you to drizzle lube all over the both of us – and then I want your fingers inside me – and then I want your cock inside me. I want to do all of that tonight.”

He just nodded, looking totally shell-shocked, “Right.” He said, “Well, let’s get to it, then.”

Yes. Let’s...

 

*

 

With slightly shaky fingers, Joel found the button of my jeans and undid it quickly. He had the zipper down in less than a second and then he was pushing my jeans down my thighs, showing even more of my hideous scars off that I preferred to keep hidden. I’d had to have pins in my leg and of course they’d had to open my leg up to do so. I had a long scar down the front of my leg, and small scars down the sides, where they’d fit the external framework.

Still, Joel didn’t even seem to notice them, “Oh, my God,” he groaned, “Look at you. Fucking awesome.”

Wondering what the hell he was talking about, I looked down. Ahh, yes... These boxer shorts were pretty special. I loved pristinely white underwear. “Do you like white boxer shorts?” I asked.

He nodded, his mouth slightly open and a look of utter desire on his face. “On you I do, yeah.” He said, “But to be fair, you could wear anything at all and I’d fucking love it.” He said.

My heart took off at a gallop at his words, “Oh, Joel.” I whispered. I can’t describe to you how I was feeling in that moment. It was like being weightless. I was floating on a cloud of euphoria. The lead weight of depression and fear and anxiety about falling for someone else had gone. I was free to love again – and that person, that wonderful human being that had decided I was worthy of his attention and even his love – was showing me what love with him was all about. Well, bring it on. I wanted to embrace it wholeheartedly...

His fingers traced the outline of my erection in my clingy briefs. “You’re so beautiful.” He murmured. “Can we uh, take these off?”

I smiled and nodded enthusiastically, “Sure, sure.” I managed before I lost all communicating skills with the notion of us finally being so intimately skin on skin.

Joel gently eased my boxer shorts down over my thighs. I shivered at his touch and jumped slightly when he kissed the scars on my thigh. “Still beautiful,” he reminded me in a whisper, “All of you is beautiful to me,” Working his way in little kisses higher, he finally nuzzled his face into my cock. I gasped at the sensation. “Oh, my God,” he groaned, taking in a really deep breath through his nose, “You smell so fucking good.” He murmured, “Can I taste you?”

I nodded, whimpering some sort of an answer. I’m not gonna lie, I really had no words, it was more squeaks and groans at this point. I’d gone completely. So totally uncool but Joel didn’t seem to care about that... He looked up at me, his face full of emotion. I thought he was going to say something but he didn’t. The next second, I watched in fascination as he parted those amazingly plump lips and enveloped my cock in his hot mouth. Fuck. He felt so good...

He manoeuvred himself between my knees, nudging my legs apart gently in order that he could lie himself down and then he closed his eyes and started to really work my cock with his mouth.

I really wanted to watch but it was so totally overwhelming that I found myself leaning back against my pillows and sighing in ecstasy as I felt him devouring my cock. He was incredibly good at it, making me wonder how many other guys he’d done this with – not that it mattered. He was mine now... He ran his tongue up and down the underside of my shaft, making me flop my legs open as wide as I could get them for him to have access to all areas.

“Oh, God,” he breathed as he came up for air and looked at me, with everything shamelessly on show, “You’re so fucking beautiful and you taste so fucking amazing – just like I knew you would.” He wrapped his hand around my cock and started stroking me firmly as his tongue went to work around the head of my cock, just as firmly, dipping into the slit and making me gasp.

He pulled away again to look up at me, his cheeks were flushed pink and his plump lips were swollen with passion, making them look even fuller than usual, all shiny and red – fucking gorgeous. He had never looked more beautiful to me.

I dropped my gaze to look at my cock. I was oozing oodles of pre-come and I watched in fascination as it ran down his hand. He smiled up at me lazily and then darting his tongue back out, he licked all the way back up my length before closing his lips around me again, sucking me deeply into his mouth. Fuck. It was like he’d been heaven sent just for me.

I couldn’t take my eyes off him as he sucked and licked me relentlessly, getting me closer and closer the edge. Finally, just as my balls were beginning to draw up and I thought I was about to blow my load, he pulled off me with a bit of a ‘pop’ and smiled up at me, “Mind if I kiss you?”

I shook my head. Fuck. He was sexy. And why the fuck would I mind? I couldn’t think of anything better than being naked, having a rock hard cock from his fabulous sucking and now kissing him. He crawled up my body, grazing my sensitive cock slightly with his jeans.

I was about to protest about the fact that he still had clothes on when I wanted him as naked as I was – but then his mouth was on mine and my mind went deliciously blank. The discomfort of his jeans rubbing against my cock was completely forgotten about as I was completely taken over with the overwhelming sensation of his tongue against mine. I could taste myself on his mouth. Instead of being grossed out about that, I was even more turned on.

“Would you like some more?” He murmured, pulling away just enough that I could feel his breath on my mouth as he spoke.

I nodded, “Yeah,” I managed to reply, “I want everything with you.”

He chuckled, “Let me get my clothes off.” He said, “Here’s you as naked as the day you were born – and I’m fully dressed.”

He jumped off the bed, giving me the best strip show I’d ever witnessed as he pulled his tee shirt over his head and shed his jeans and boxer shorts in seconds. “I really want to bite your nipples.” I murmured as I watched him.

He huffed a laugh, “Bite?” He asked.

I chuckled and nodded, “Well, you know – not hard or anything, I don’t want to hurt you or anything like that – but I think you’ll like it.”

“Later, baby,” he growled, “I’m gonna suck on you a little more first.”

“Go on then,” I said, “suck away.”

It started to get too much for me and I had to ask him to stop, “Too much, Joel.” I gasped, “You’ll have to stop or I’ll be coming.”

He did as I asked and then slid up my body again, sliding his cock against mine, making me gasp again with the new sensation. He fastened his lips over mine again, pulling me into him so we were skin to skin all the way down from our chests to our toes. Absolutely fucking perfect. “This is all I want,” he whispered, “All I need – just you and me. Together. This is all I’ve ever wanted – since the first moment I ever saw you, this was the way I wanted us to end up – I never thought it was possible to be together properly...” He trailed off. He obviously didn’t want to remind me as to why he never thought that we could be together like this but I knew what he meant.

My heart felt like it would burst in my chest with emotion. Obviously this would have never happened between us if Siobhan hadn’t have died. I’d have been happily married to her by now, I was sure of that because I’d been planning to ask her to be my wife when we had the accident. But it had happened. She had been taken from me and I had met and fallen in love again – with Joel.

“Me either.” I whispered back, “But now that we are together, I couldn’t be happier, baby.”

He started to rut against me gently, making us both a little slippery with all the pre-come being smeared around. It felt absolutely perfect. “What are you gonna do to me next?” I asked him flirtatiously, looking up at him through my eyelashes, feeling younger than I had in years and ever-so-slightly naughty.

He grinned back at me, “Well, I’d kind of planned on sucking you off until you came all over my face,” he said, “but the feel of your cock rubbing against mine right now is so good I think I could come from that – how about you. Fancy coming all over each other?”

I nodded, “I think that sounds fucking awesome,” I panted. I was getting so turned on.

He grinned at me, “Kiss me again.” He said, “I love it when you do that thing with your tongue.”

I blinked, “What thing?” I asked. I seriously had no idea what thing it was that I did with my tongue that he liked so much – but I was really pleased that it was something...

He leaned in and kissed me. I licked into his mouth, swirling my tongue around his and groaning into the kiss as he wrapped his hand around both of our cocks and started to work them together. Fuck. He really knows what he’s doing. He has to have done this before...

I pulled away from the kiss to ask him but he beat me to the punch and I forgot what I was going to ask.

“That,” He panted, “That – what you just did – right there. Fucking awesome, baby.”

I smiled at him, “Well, I can kiss you till the cows come home.” I gasped as he increased the speed and pressure of his hand on our cocks a little. I was going to come any second...

He grinned back at me, “Yeah, you can.” He agreed.

“Unghhhh!” I groaned into his neck as I came. I felt a little embarrassed that I’d come all over him. Still, he’d done the same to me so I was guessing that it was okay.

“Oh, my God!” He roared at the same time. “You are fucking incredible.”

I smiled at him dazedly, “You are.” I murmured, “I’m sticky...”

He chuckled, “So am I.” We lay there together for a moment, both of us panting as we came down from our high, “Have you got anything we can get cleaned up with?” He asked, leaning away from me and looking down at our softening cocks and the mess between our bellies.

I yawned, “Oh, yeah, sure – I’ll get us some tissues.” I made to move but he pulled me back down and wrapped his arms around me “Oh, just stay for a minute.” He said, leaning in for a kiss, “I know it’s gross – but it’s also kind of nice in a really sticky way.”

I nodded and allowed him to draw me into another very dirty, very lazy kiss.

Finally, we pulled away from each other and I rolled over and got off the bed. I brought a handful of tissues back and started to wipe his stomach clean, “You know,” I said as I screwed up the soiled tissues and started to wipe myself down with another load on myself, “It would be a whole lot better to just get a shower...”

Joel grinned and nodded, “Now you’re talking,” he said, “I’m gonna wash your hair for you and everything.”

I grinned and nodded, “Wow,” I said, “Where’ve you been all my life?”

 

*

 

After we’d showered, we naturally headed back to the bedroom to get dressed, only Joel obviously had other plans.

“Are we uh, getting dressed or...?”

Joel grinned, “Or what, Mr Matthews?” He asked playfully, “What else did you have in mind?”

I eyed the bulge that was beginning to show beneath his towel and felt my own cock beginning to swell. I shrugged, “I don’t know...”

He raised an eyebrow, “Yes, you do.” He argued, “What do you want, Seth?”

Fuck. I wanted him. Everywhere. “I want you.” I said boldly, “I want you in my bed, completely naked and spread out for me to explore.”

He giggled delightedly, “Fuck! This is the best fun I’ve ever had!” He said gleefully as he sprinted across the room and jumped into bed.

“Spread your legs.” I demanded, suddenly feeling really kind of masterful.

He stared at me with his mouth slightly open at my commanding tone. Where the fuck that had come from was anyone’s guess but I wasn’t about to question it. His eyes were glazed over with passion – and that was all for me. I smiled at him and climbed onto the bed. I dropped my towel, so that I was completely naked too and then I crawled into the space left by his spread legs and I settled myself down. My face was inches away from his impressive erection, but instead of going straight down on his cock, I wanted to play a little. I blew lightly on his balls, watching fascinatedly as they moved involuntarily and goosebumps erupted all over his legs and up his stomach. Wow. He liked that then... I lowered my face, breathing in the heady scent of his beautifully clean skin. I’d never done what I was about to attempt before but fuck it – I’d seen it done a thousand times on my mates’ porn sites online. It couldn’t be that hard... I took one of his balls into my mouth and sucked the whole thing into my mouth.

His gasp of ecstasy had me instantly hard. “Fuck, Seth.” He murmured, “Where the hell did you learn to do that?”

Well. It was a valid question. I had been masquerading as a straight guy my whole fucking life. I shrugged and swapped to his other one, enjoying the feel of him in my mouth. Joel shaved his intimate area so I wasn’t in any danger of choking on a loose pube – thank God...

Getting into my stride, I spread his legs wider and licked down towards his hole. I’d seen rimming done online too – and it always really turned me on to watch it. I was pretty confident I knew what to do here... I fluttered my tongue around his opening before making my way back up and teasing his balls again before going back down and really giving his hole some attention. I wanted to poke my tongue right inside him... It was harder to do that than it looked – Joel had a very tight hole and it was hard work. Finally I gave up and instead I sucked his cock deep into my mouth. Heaven... that’s what it was to have his cock in my mouth. Absolute fucking heaven. I looked up at him as I licked up and down his shaft.

He was watching me with his mouth open and his eyes totally gone, “You are fucking awesome.” He groaned, “Will you rim me again? It was absolutely incredible.”

I nodded and started to work my way down again. I’d never rimmed anyone before in my life. I’d sucked a couple of guys off before – but I’d always been roaring drunk and I can’t honestly hand on heart say that I could remember anything about any of those guys. I guess I’d been in denial about my true sexuality and I’d pushed the memories to the back of my mind. As arousing as I’d always found watching two guys rimming each other, I’d always been a little afraid of it too. Wouldn’t it taste bad?

I guess that only mattered if you weren’t totally into the guy you were about to put your mouth on but I was – totally into Joel and so I just went for it. We’d both just showered so I knew he was pristinely clean and he smelled divine. Once I’d gotten started, I really didn’t want to stop and to be honest, he tasted pretty much the same all over – absolutely exquisite.

I fluttered my tongue close to his hole again. He rewarded me with a deep groan that sent shock waves of desire directly to my cock. He threaded his fingers through my hair at the same time and gently pushed my head down.

I licked all the way around his hole again, trying to get as much spit on him as possible, to make him wetter and slicker and hopefully a little easier to push my tongue inside. “Oh, my God, Seth,” he sighed, “You’re gonna make me come.”

I pulled away from him slightly and looked at him in surprise. “What?” I asked, “Just from licking you?”

He nodded, his eyes half-closed, looking up at me, almost squinting. His legs were spread wide open, his perfectly rigid cock was resting against his belly, and he had a little pool of pre-come gathering just below his belly-button. His balls looked heavy and I longed to get them back in my mouth, but it was his hole, glistening with my saliva and flexing with anticipation that really got my attention. Fuck, he looked absolutely awesome.

“I have to do this to you next time,” he murmured, “It’s amazing – you have to feel it too.”

Hell, yeah. That sounded like a plan to me. “Shall I suck your cock and make you come?” I asked.

“Please,” he said in such a needy tone that my cock sprang to attention. Fuck. I liked it when he needed me...

 

 

Chapter 26 – Awesome…

 

Joel

 

I’d been lost in passion with my eyes closed while he’d been rimming me but now that I was just about on the edge, I wanted to watch. He went down on me again. It was incredible to see him doing that to me. Fuck, he was unbelievably sexy...

He pulled off my cock and licked his lips, “Shall we get the condoms?” He asked.

My heart started to beat really hard in my chest. Wow. I thought I was going to be the one on top... But now, well... He’d gone all dom on me – and I fucking loved it.

He really wanted to have sex with me... well, of course he did – just like I really wanted to have sex with him – but I was going to take his cock instead of the other way around. Frankly it was a bit of a relief. I had no idea how to be a top or a bottom – but the idea of feeling Seth inside me – now that I’d experienced his tongue – well, it was as close to perfect as perfect got.

He growled and then his mouth came crashing down on mine, “Oh, God, Joel,” he managed between kisses, “I really want you – right now. Let’s find those condoms – and don’t worry. I won’t hurt you – I’ve got lube too...”

I nodded, “Right,” I said, “So, uh, shall I uh, shall I...?” Fuck. What the hell was I saying? I was as nervous as hell but I really wanted him too, “Fuck, you’re a sexy dom.”

He gazed at me with his beautiful big brown eyes, kind of half-closed in that wonderfully aroused way that I was beginning to recognise, “Oh, my God, yeah.” He whispered, “I want to be your dom.”

I grinned at him. So did I, “Where are your condoms and lube?”

“I’ll get them.” He murmured. He slid off the bed and padded across to his chest of drawers. I guessed that was where his stash of sex toys was too and made a mental note to have a browse before we went to bed tomorrow...

He came back to the bed with a couple of condoms and his tube of lube. He climbed back on the bed and sat between my legs again. Biting his lip he looked up at me, “Are you sure about this?” He asked.

I nodded, “Absolutely.” I assured him.

Nodding, he shifted his position slightly so that he was lying at my side instead of on top of me. He put the condom on and applied liberal amounts of lube to his sheathed cock. Then, lifting my leg he started to rub his lubed up cock against my hole. I groaned, “Oh, God, Seth,” I breathed, “That feels incredible.”

He nodded, “It does, doesn’t it?” He groaned, “We need a bit more of the lube.”

I grabbed the tube from the bedside and squeezed some out onto my fingers, “What shall I do?” I asked.

“Smear it over your hole.”

I did as he asked and then I watched as he started to finger me, sliding first one finger in to allow me to get used to the new sensation, and then another as I started to relax. The feel of his fingers inside me, stroking against my prostate and making me pant with desire were just a taster of what was to come – and I couldn’t wait a second longer, “Oh, my God, Seth – that feels so good. So good, let me have your cock.”

He nodded, “You want my cock?” He asked.

I nodded, “Fuck, yeah I want your cock – right now, right inside me.” I groaned.

He chuckled, “Now who’s going all dom?” He teased as he lined himself up against my entrance, “Oh, God.” He breathed as he pressed against my hole and started to inch his way inside of me, “You feel fucking fantastic. I’ve never...”

I raised an eyebrow, “You’ve never...?” What had he never...? Never felt anything like it? Never done it before? What? Are you saying this is better than being with Siobhan?

“I’ve never felt anything like this with anyone before in my life.” He answered me.

Holy shit. That was some admission. I smiled up at him, my heart overflowing with love for him. “Me, either.” I said honestly. I’d had a couple of hook-ups with guys but I’d never gone the whole way with anyone before. This was incredible. Sure it was painful to start with but I loved him – and I guess that made all the difference...

He wrapped his fingers around my cock as he pushed his cock inside me the whole way. The sensation of utter fullness was incredible – and then he started to work my cock, hard and fast – in much the same way as he was now slamming into me with joyous abandon.

It felt absolutely awesome and I pulled him closer to me. We kissed – it was messy and dirty – fucking perfect and I couldn’t help myself from licking inside his mouth just as he had done to me earlier.

He started to suck on my tongue and the feel of that, coupled with the way he was filling me with his long, thick cock – well, fuck. There was no way I was going to last, “Oh, my God! I’m gonna fucking come.” I yelled. I was aware that I was shouting – and that I was giving him absolutely no warning before my cock started to erupt all over the pair of us.

He nodded, “You’re fucking awesome too.” He panted.

I grabbed hold of him and pulled him down for another heart-stopping kiss. He grunted as he came, pumped into me a couple more times before he collapsed on top of me and buried his face into my neck. “I’ll move in a minute.” He muttered, making me smile.

I stroked his hair and kissed the side of his head, “Stay there as long as you like.” I murmured.

He slipped out of me and went to the bathroom to dispose of the condom and then he came back, jumped straight back into bed with me and slid his body back over me, deliberately smearing us both in my rapidly cooling semen and kissing me again. It was kind of gross but kind of sexy all at the same time.

I groaned against his hot mouth – it was like having my own personal brand of cocaine. I was completely and utterly addicted to him.

Eventually he peeled himself away from me and handed me a big wad of tissues to clean myself up with. I took the tissue and mopped up my stomach and then his – it was kind of erotic.

When I’d had my very few hook-ups, I’d been in a tearing hurry to get cleaned up – and always by myself. I was always embarrassed that I’d even got so messy in the first place but I wasn’t embarrassed to come all over Seth. It was like a mark of my love for him and it was wonderful. I’d happily cover him in my come all day every day – and I’d let him do the same to me too. I loved it.

 

 

Chapter 27 – Beautiful boyfriend...

 

Seth

 

I walked up the path to my lovely little house, whistling softly to myself. I might still limp, but these days I always had a spring in my step. I’d got my key ready and I let myself in, eager to see Joel – not that it had been all that long since I’d seen him. We spent almost all of our time together these days – whether we were at work or otherwise.

I frowned as I pushed the door open. I’d expected quite a lot of noise. It was the school holidays and we’d got all of Joel’s nieces and nephews over for a few days – and Will was staying with us too since Peyton and Kody were away on a business trip – looking for new premises for yet another restaurant.

It was awfully quiet to say the house was full of kids – so what the hell was going on? It was usually mayhem from the moment they were dropped off to the moment they went home... Feeling a little concerned that things were rather too quiet, I made my way through to the lounge, not quite knowing what to expect – but certainly not expecting what I found. I chuckled to myself at the sight that met my eyes.

I couldn’t trust Joel to ever do as I said – not that it actually mattered – he could do as he liked when he was in charge of the kids; he generally got the best out of them out of the two of us anyway. He had a total knack of being able to play with them but stay in control of the whole situation.

I stood looking down at him, my heart melting all over the place.

He was fast asleep on the sofa, a twin in each arm. I looked down at the four boys all sat watching some God-awful action-movie together. Will looked up and grinned at me, “He couldn’t take the pressure.” He said, nodding his head towards Joel with a chuckle.

I shook my head and grinned back at him, “He never could.” I said, “Where are the girls?”

Will pulled a face, “In the bathroom – Sophia got some new make up or something.”

I chuckled, “Christ,” I murmured, “Her mother’s gonna go mad – who let her buy that?”

Will sniggered, “Who do you think?” He asked, nodding at my beautiful sleeping boyfriend, “And he wants them to make him up too once they’re done.”

I laughed and raised an eyebrow, “Ooh, he looks good in make-up.” I grinned, “I’m looking forward to that.”

Joel stirred, “Seth?” He mumbled, “That you, baby?”

“Right here.” I said, nudging his knee with mine, “Are you awake?”

“More or less.” He kept his eyes closed but his mouth curved up in the most beautiful smile. I sighed. He was so damned adorable.

“The kids have been running amuck while you were doing a great impression of sleeping beauty.”

His eyes fluttered open immediately and he stared at me in horror, “Oh, my God!” he exclaimed, shuffling into a sitting position while trying his best not to disturb the sleeping twins, “What have they done?”

I chuckled, “Nothing too bad – so long as you have make-up wipes.”

He visibly relaxed, “No worries, then.” He said, “I bought shed-loads of them. I promised the girls they could make me up later.”

I nodded, “Yeah, Will just told me.” I agreed.

Joel smiled up at me lovingly, “Where’ve you been?”

I faltered. Should I tell him? Would he freak out? Well, I wasn’t about to start lying to him. He’d be fine about it... “I went to see Siobhan.” I said, “Well, you know – I went to visit her resting place, anyway.”

He raised an eyebrow, “What for?” He asked, “Was it a special day for you guys or something?”

I shook my head. He was so understanding about everything. I didn’t think I’d ever met someone with a bigger heart. “I’ve not been in all the time since she died.” I said, “I was in such a bad way myself after the accident that I never even got to go to her funeral. So I got her some flowers...”

He wrapped his arms around me and gave me a really big hug, “Feeling better for going?” He asked.

I nodded, leaning into him, “Yeah,” I agreed, “But even better for coming home to you.”

 

 

Epilogue – Eighteen months later...

 

Seth

 

“Do you mind doing this?”

Joel looked at me, nothing but pure unadulterated love on his face. Love for me. I was so blessed to have found him. “I don’t mind at all – shall I stay here?”

I shook my head, “No.” I said. It always made me nervous to be a passenger in the car and leaving him in the car alone made me totally freak, “You can come with me.”

Joel nodded and got out of the car, “I’ll stay here.” He said when we go closer to the grave, “You go on and talk to her.”

I walked ahead of him and went to stand in front of Siobhan’s headstone. “Hi, baby.” I said. “I’m sorry it’s been a while since I last came to see you...” Time had just seemed to fly by and I knew why. It was because I was happy again.

I looked at the loving words on her headstone and the date she’d died. It was such a long time ago now – two years had passed... “I met someone. You were right – you were the only woman for me,” I smiled, “And I’m glad you were right too. But, Siobhan, I love him so much. He isn’t you – but he’s every bit as wonderful as you were and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I just need to know that you're okay with it before I ask him to be mine permanently... So could you, you know – maybe give me a sign or something?”

The rain was hammering down so hard that it was dripping off the end of my nose as I talked. It was running down the back of my neck and my coat was absolutely sodden. I shifted my freezing feet on the rain soaked ground, squelching a little as I did so. My shoes were soaking wet too.

I stood there, feeling a little foolish that I was actually waiting, expecting for her to say something...

The rain started to slow and then it abruptly stopped altogether and to my surprise the sun came out – and then the biggest, brightest, most vibrantly coloured rainbow I'd ever seen in my life glowed in the late afternoon.”

“Wow,” came a voice from behind me, making me jump violently. “That was a pretty powerful sign. I think she likes me.”

I spun around, Joel was stood there smiling shyly at me. I thought he’d stayed back but he’d been stood there the whole time... So he knew I was planning on asking him something really important – and he was still here. Well, of course he was. I’d actually learned by now that he wasn’t going anywhere.

I nodded, “I think she likes you too,” I admitted, “and I really like you – and I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said a while ago – about us being dads together someday... And well, I want someday to be now. Will you marry me, Joel?”

His smile was dazzling. “Yes, Seth. Of course I’ll marry you – just name the day, baby.”

I beamed back at him, “Well, didn’t we get lucky finding each other.” I asked softly, reaching for his hand, which was as cold and wet as mine, and threading my fingers through his.

He nodded, “It was meant to be, dude – it was just meant to be.”

Well, I couldn’t agree more. “Come on,” I said, “Let’s go and tell Will the good news.”

Joel smiled, “Lead the way, my beautiful husband to be, lead the way.”

 

 

The End

 

 

Thank you for reading Seth... Saved. If you enjoyed this book, I would be grateful if you could help others enjoy it too. Please help other readers find it by recommending it to your friends and/or discussion groups. Please tell other readers why you liked it by reviewing it. Your help is greatly appreciated.

 

 

Coming Soon

 

Thai... Troubled

 

 

Quentin

 

 

“Has anyone ever told you that you look just like Q from James Bond?”

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. I’d heard this about a million times over the last five years – ever since Ben Whishaw first played Q in Skyfall. I couldn’t deny it. I did look quite a lot like him. I had glasses and dark unruly hair that never sat flat no matter what I did with it. I would never describe myself as handsome though – not like Ben Whishaw, who I thought was absolutely stunning. I looked up and sucked in a sharp breath. It was the tall, dark exotic-looking dancer that I was quite sure was known as Thai – whether that was his real name or not I had no idea but fuck – he was speaking to me! The beautiful Thai thought I looked like Q! For once it wasn’t annoying me to be compared to a super-geek...

I grinned at him, “Uh, yeah – I have heard that once or twice as it happens.”

He chuckled, his deep, almost musical laugh making my insides feel a little mushy. “And are you a mad, gadget-creating genius on the quiet – or do your talents lie elsewhere?”

And oh, my God – he was actually flirting with me! Flirting! With me! Where were all my mates to witness this amazing event?

Oh, yes – Franz was snogging the face of his boyfriend in the foyer – and all the others were no doubt in the bathrooms getting their rocks off with the other punters who were all looking for love – at least for ten minutes in the bathrooms...

“I’m uh, more your artistic type.” I replied. I might be studying physics but I really did love to draw and paint. I had about twenty sketches of him that I’d done from memory. Looking into those incredible eyes now, though, with his super long and curly eyelashes – it was more than obvious that I hadn’t done him justice. I’d have to have another go when I got home...

 

 

Other books by Heather Mar-Gerrison

 

 

Friends

Zoe’s First Date with Fate

 

Save The Last Dance (Dance #1)

Can We Dance (Dance #2)

 

Inevitable…

Seven

Something Stupid

Maybe Never…

 

Kiss The Boy (Boy Next Door #1)

Are We Good...? (Boy Next Door #2)

Equal Measures (Boy Next Door #3)

Some Kind of Paradise (Boy Next Door #4)

Without You... (Boy Next Door #5)

Looking for Trouble (Boy Next Door #6)

Best Boyfriend Ever... (Boy Next Door #7)

Racing Hearts... (Boy Next Door #8)

I need a little time... (Boy Next Door #9)

 

What If... I Belonged to You? (What If? #1)

What If... I want commitment? (What If #2)

 

 

Coming Soon

 

What If... I Remember? (What If? #3)

What if... It was always me? (What If #4)

 

 

Contemporary Romance by

Heather Mar-Gerrison

 

The One That Got Away

If I Can’t Have You

Like No Other

Summer Break (Summer Break series #1)

Operation Boyfriend (Operation Boyfriend #1)

All Kinds of Trouble (Operation Boyfriend #2)

The Trouble with Tyler (Operation Boyfriend #3)

What Happens with Vegas (Operation Boyfriend #4)

 

True… Love (Riverside #1)

Tomas… Enchanted (Riverside #2)

Tatum… Undercover (Riverside #3)

Toby… Captivated (Riverside #4)

Trey… Unbelievable (Riverside #5)

Sam… Distracted (Riverside #6)

 

Peyton... Protected (Studs & Steel #1)

River... Redeemed (Studs & Steel #2)

Alfie... Abused (Studs & Steel #3)

Buzz... Bedazzled (Studs & Steel #4)

Stake Out... (Studs & Steel #5)

Simon... Spellbound (Studs & Steel #6)

Looking out for Lorenzo

(A Studs & Steel Novella)

A Shoulder To Cry On

(A Studs & Steel Novella)

Dangerous Love (A Studs & Steel Novella)

 

Coming Soon

 

 

Emilio… Enraptured (Riverside #7)

Riverside… The Weddings (Riverside #8)

 

 

Thai... Troubled (Studs & Steel #8)

 

 

When Deanna Met Lincoln (Operation Boyfriend #5)

Misunderstood… Theo’s Fight For Love (Operation Boyfriend #6)

 

 

When Danny met Horatio (The Band #1)

When Tobias met Noah (The Band #2)

When Justin Met Max (The Band #3)

When Karl Met Devon (The Band #4)

 

 

Heather also writes historical romance eBooks

 

The Duchess of Chittenden (Duchess #1)

Highway to Society (Duchess #2)

The Real Duke of Circhester (Brunswick #1)

Philip Brunswick is getting married (Brunswick #2)

 

Coming Soon

 

Matilda’s Escape (Brunswick #3)

An Unlikely Hero

The Lady and the Blacksmith

Rosy’s leap year

Gabriella’s unexpected proposal

The Other Son… (Duchess #3)

 

 

Check out my blog at https://www.heathermar-gerrison.blogspot.com for news of my upcoming books.

Follow me on Twitter: @hmgwriting

Follow me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/heather.margerrison.5

Follow me on Pinterest: https://uk.pinterest.com/heathemg

 

 

About the Author

 

I live in Nottingham, England with my lovely, long suffering and incredibly patient husband and my two beautiful daughters. We also have two cats that we adopted from the RSPCA, Bella and Romeo... and a brand new member of the family – Enzo, our Border Terrier...

When I’m not looking after a wayward dog – I’m generally writing a book, any spare time I get between these two pursuits, you can either find me curled up with a good book that someone else wrote and a cat or a dog on my knee in place of the laptop, or I’ll be pottering about in the greenhouse, whilst plotting my next storyline in my head, muttering to myself like a crazy woman.... It’s not easy living with all the voices of my characters in my head!