Chapter 10
When Claire started the year, she was often dissociating because she had agreed to marry a man she would never love. Now? She dissociated because she was pregnant with that man’s grandchild.
It didn’t help that catching Arthur in one of his dirty acts had soured the wedding planning. Claire had half a mind to tell him about the baby, but Jake had talked her out of it. “Instead,” he had said, “use his actions as leverage when finishing up that pre-nup.”
Arthur continued to deny what his fiancée had seen. Everything from, “We were rehearsing her upcoming role,” to “She was helping me out of bed,” was heard, and Claire made it known that she didn’t believe any of it. When they sat down with their lawyers a few days later, she said, “I honestly never expected real love or loyalty from you in this relationship, Arthur, but what would have happened if our roles were reversed?”
Suffice to say, he was not impressed.
Claire’s gut told her to end the engagement. Perhaps she should sever ties with Jake as well, or at least until the baby was born and she could decide what to do next. Except by the time two more weeks passed, she had realized that the only thing keeping her grounded, sane, and alive was being with Jake whenever they could get away with it.
They spent most of their days together, usually at his place, but occasionally in hotels under assumed names. During the night, Claire stared at the back of her eyelids, wondering what to do with her life and whether she would live to regret her decisions. During the day? She only had eyes for Jake, who often forewent work so he could be with her. Even when Claire claimed he couldn’t work while she simply hung out in his apartment, he often said that he could work under “these conditions.” He would rather be in bed with her.
He had taken the news of her pregnancy with startling grace. Although Jake admitted that he was as confused as her about what to do, he ultimately decided that this was fate giving his life the purpose he had lacked since he was old enough to make his own decisions.
“I’m not asking you to marry me,” he said in bed one evening. The sun had set, and a single lamp illuminated his bed, although it wasn’t enough to cast away the shadows from his face as he loomed over her. His naked body was soft in skin and hard in muscle. Jake confessed that whatever frustrations he couldn’t take out in his writing, he took out in the gym, and there had been a ton of frustrations that year. “I want to do this right. If you’re having our baby, then I want to be there for it. As its father.”
Claire inhaled a deep breath. “Our” baby, he had said. Jake hadn’t been too heavy-handed about being excited about potential fatherhood, but he let slip the verbal and facial cues that suggested he wasn’t about to run away. I should be relieved to hear him say these things. What woman didn’t want the father of her child to be sticking around? Even women who barely knew those fathers? Did they even have a relationship right now? They had gone beyond the point where Claire could count the number of times they made love. Yet were they indulging in this because it was new and novel, or because there was something more to it?
“I’m still not sure what’s happening.” Claire traced the same trail on his abdomen she had been infatuated with since the first time they had sex in this bed. “If I go about my day, I can forget that I’m pregnant for a few hours. I can pretend that it’s not happening and that my life isn’t about to drastically change. Then I… I dunno. I go to the bathroom. I change my clothes. I eat and get sick. You’re still the only person I’ve told. I’ve gotta tell my family soon.”
“My father is going to find out.” Jake sighed. “We should come clean to him. You’ve caught him in bed with another woman. He can be as angry as he wants. Like you told him at the prenup deliberation, he has no right to hold this loveless arrangement against you.”
At first, Claire thought he meant this was the loveless arrangement. She knew it. He was only screwing her because she was convenient and still hot. Once she started showing, once he couldn’t deny that she was pregnant, he would be over her.
Then she realized that her engagement was the loveless arrangement. Well, he wasn’t wrong about that.
“What do I do, though? If I tell him I’m pregnant with another man’s child, he’ll break off the engagement. I’ll be single and pregnant. My family won’t kick me out, but God, I can hear my mother now.” Gloria was already showing suspicions that something was out of sorts with her daughter. The woman had been pregnant and given birth three times. She knew the signs. Claire could only hide it for much longer, assuming her mother hadn’t figured it out already. She probably thinks it’s Arthur’s. Every time Claire entertained that thought, nausea got to her.
“Who says you’ll be single?”
Claire looked up into Jake’s face. She had the same thought every time she looked at him. If my son or daughter looks half as good as him, that’ll be the end of the Hollywood’s most beautiful lists. Jake had those big, beautiful eyes and hair to kill for. Not just the hair on top of his head, either. Stubble that grew in the right places and body hair that was as soft as his skin.
“What are you saying?”
Jake wrapped his hand around hers. The weight of both pressed into Claire’s pillow. “The only one who could keep you and me apart is you, Claire. I’m not wasting time with you. I’m spending it with someone I can see myself loving.”
She yanked her hand out of his and sat up so quickly that her stomach lurched. Except it wasn’t the baby making her ill this time. It was the anxiety, the uncertainty Jake foisted upon her. Don’t do this to me. Claire had both wanted him to officially ask her out and hoped he would never bring it up. It would hurt to know he didn’t care. It would hurt even more knowing that her own actions brought her to this standstill from hell.
“You can see yourself loving me… does that mean you don’t right now?”
That question was a trap, and she knew it.
“Claire…” That man would have followed her across the room, across the city, across the country if she dared to leave. “A part of me has loved you since the moment I first saw you.”
She built that wall around her heart. As high as it could go. As thick as she could afford. Stay out of my heart, Jake. It’s never gonna work. This was all a mistake… “Because of a movie I was in?”
“Don’t ask me why. Only people in the movies can explain something like love.”
“You write about it all the time, don’t you? Like that movie I auditioned for.” And didn’t get, she would always add. “You wrote about those two characters being in love. All I do is channel my own experiences. I don’t have to come up with the words or even really know what it feels like. You? You’re the writer. You’re supposed to make the audience think you know what you’re talking about. Aren’t you supposed to speak for the audience? Don’t you…”
Her words were silenced with his kiss. Jake pushed her down into his bed, where his body enveloped hers and the covers fell away on that warm spring night.
“I know who might be able to help us figure out what to do,” Jake said, his hand lightly rubbing Claire’s stomach. She hated to admit how good it felt – how comforting it was to have the man who put that baby there acknowledge what had happened with one simple gesture. “Even if it doesn’t work out between us, she can at least help us figure out what to do about my dad. It’ll ultimately be up to you.”
She hated hearing that. Was it too much to ask for someone to sweep in and make the decisions for her? “Marry this man. Let go of that one. Don’t worry, you’ll be fine!”
“Don’t tell me you mean your mother.”
Jake chuckled. “Trust me, Claire. There’s nobody in Hollywood who knows what to do more than my mom does. Especially when it comes to her ex-husband.”
And the man Claire had agreed to marry. Even when she started seeing the Carter men, she held no fantasies that she would get to meet Carmen, the only other woman they shared.
***
Jake’s car rolled up the gated driveway, palm trees shading the interior and Claire’s delicate skin. She had seen a doctor for the first time the day before, and the second thing out of his mouth was that she needed to watch her pale skin in the upcoming Californian summer sunlight. Claire had put on an extra helping of sunblock that morning when she left her house, wearing a loose-fitting dress to hide the small bump she now carried. Her mother had yet to say anything.
“You’re the first person I told,” she muttered, as Jake parked the car in front a of Spanish-style villa. A fountain spurted nearby, but Claire couldn’t be bothered to care. Carmen Carter’s house looked so much like Arthur’s – albeit smaller and cozier – that Claire might as well have been walking into her future home all over again. “Then I told a doctor. Now I’m telling your mother? Carmen Carter… I can’t believe it. This is how I’m meeting one of the heroes of my childhood.”
“Dominguez,” Jake corrected her.
“What?”
He hesitated before getting out of his car. “She changed it back to Dominguez after the divorce. You should see her Wiki page. It’s a mess.”
Claire waited for him to help her out of the car. Her flats kicked up a little dirt from the driveway. It had been weeks since Claire last wore her signature pumps. Soon she would be wearing flat, open-toe sandals or tennis shoes. Soon I’ll barely be able to walk. She definitely had to pee.
Nerves hit her once they were inside the foyer, since Jake had a key and barely rang the buzzer on their way in. A maid in a light pink uniform met them by an open living room. She took one look at Claire and said, in hasty Spanish that Claire barely understood, “You’ve got a lot of balls, Mr. Carter.”
“That’s Juanita,” Jake said. “She’s been working for my mother since the marriage.”
“So she’s the only one allowed to talk to you like that?”
“You understood what she said?”
“I’ve lived in SoCal my whole life,” Claire said. “My Spanish better be good enough to know she was taking you to task for bringing me here.”
“I warned my mother, but… yeah, it’s gonna be a trip today. C’mon. She’s in her study.”
Few recent photos existed of Carmen Dominguez. The last time she was widely photographed was ten years ago, when she was caught walking out of the Los Angeles courthouse with her divorce lawyer and shedding the last of her public tears. Headlines that claimed she was too heartbroken to live circulated the internet and tabloids. I remember standing in line at the supermarket and reading them. I thought she was the saddest woman in the world. Claire knew so little back then. She was barely a high schooler. What had she known?
She certainly didn’t know how much a woman could age in ten years. Now that Carmen no longer lived in the public eye, she had no reason to watch her weight or follow the latest anti-aging regimens. The woman sitting in the study hardly looked like the woman hanging in Arthur’s office.
Her hair was brown and loosely curled; her midsection was a good ten sizes larger than Claire’s. Eyes as bold as they were lined looked up from her book and in her son’s direction. A spark of happy recognition entered them before she realized who he had brought with him. Had Jake really warned his mother that they were coming? Because Claire might as well have stabbed Carmen in the chest. Betrayal. The woman who had stolen Arthur, even though Claire barely knew who he was when the infamous couple divorced.
I didn’t know who Jake was. He had been in high school too. What was he like back then? As much of a quiet loner as he was now?
They weren’t holding hands. Jake kissed his mother’s plump cheeks before bringing Claire forward for the introductions.
“This is my mother, Carmen Dominguez.” Jake had one arm around Claire’s waist and a hand on his mother’s shoulder. “Mother, this is…”
“I know who she is.” A light accent charmed her warm voice. Her Peruvian heritage had been legendary back in her heyday. Did anyone know about it now? Oh my God, my baby is going to be a quarter Peruvian, isn’t it? Claire hadn’t thought about any of that until now. Later, she would discover that the Dominguezes were only “mostly” Peruvian, and that Chilean and Colombian was prominent as well. Carmen could trace her ancestry all the way back to 18th century colonization. Her own father was the Geraldo Dominguez, a Peruvian businessman who got where he was because of the wealth his family had amassed over the generations. Carmen had started over again when she came to the United States in the early ‘70s, but rumors abounded about the wheels her father supposedly greased.
The early ‘70s… was this woman really in her mid-50s? She looked older from a distance, but up close, Claire could have sworn that she was only in her thirties, lines, graying hair and all.
“This is your father’s fiancée.”
Claire took a step back, swallowing the lump in her throat. “It’s an honor to meet you, Ms. Car… I mean, Ms. Dominguez. I’m a huge fan of your movies.”
“Are you?” Carmen sat back down. While she did not invite her guests to sit, Jake took initiative and suggested that they sit on the loveseat nearby. The maid brought in coffee and was subsequently never seen again. “Even A Beautiful Blue Place?”
Claire forced a smile. “I remember that one. The one shot in Venice Beach. You played a call girl who falls in love with the bellhop at the hotel she always uses.”
“Yes. The very first movie I made in America. Well, the first one I choose to acknowledge.” Probably a good idea, since the very first ones solidly fell into the sexploitation category. So did A Beautiful Blue Place, but at least it had a plot beyond Carmen shows off her tits. “You’ve seen it?”
“At least fifty times.” Claire turned down the coffee. “They used to show it on TCM all the time when I was a kid.”
“The kind of movie for a child to fall asleep to, hm?”
“Mom.” Jake redirected the conversation before Carmen’s sturdy gaze could bore a hole in Claire’s skull. “Claire and I came here to tell you something.”
She took one look at them and let out a laugh of utter disbelief. “When you said something had happened between you and your future stepmother, Jacob,” she began, “I thought maybe you had offended her fragile ass. Now I see. The way you two sit together, that lilt to your voice… don’t tell me. You’re in love.”
Jake straightened his back and glanced at Claire. She wanted a cigarette, and she hadn’t smoked since she was an edgy teenager trying to look cool.
“Something like that,” Jake admitted.
“How predictable. I always warned you that your father marrying a young actress was trouble. He probably knew you fancied her already and moved before you could cement any happiness.” Carmen sputtered out another laugh. “I can’t believe it, but you are your father’s son, I suppose. I could only counteract so much of that.”
Carmen shot Claire another intense look. Under the weight of that gaze, Claire shivered as if every layer of her skin had been peeled away and analyzed. She’s seeing me for who I really am. She wants to know my motives. Oh my God, what if she knows already? How much can she tell about me from one look? Does she know…
“I’m pregnant,” Claire blurted.
Jake groaned. No, this was not how he had rehearsed telling his mother the news, and Claire didn’t care. He would never understand what it was like having an older woman stare at her like that, as if there wasn’t a single secret Claire could hide. She’s better at this than my mother!
Carmen remained nonplussed. “Of course you are,” she said, after having a sip of her coffee. “I could tell when you walked in here. I just didn’t know whose it was until now.”
“It’s mine,” Jake said.
“So she says.”
“It really is his,” Claire answered. “I’ve never… been… with Arthur.”
“Now that’s surprising. How did you swing that engagement, then? Let me guess. He bought that you were a virgin waiting for your wedding night?”
“I never said I was a virgin.”
“Good. Because he isn’t that big of an idiot, even if he got off on the idea.” Carmen sighed. “Do you know who was a virgin when she got married? Yes, yes, it was me.”
Jake took the coffee away from his mother. “We need your advice.”
“About what? Your father? Oh, darlings, you’ve really gotten yourself into a mess.”
“I don’t want to marry Arthur.” Claire almost didn’t realize that Jake’s hand was in hers. “I don’t love him, and I know he doesn’t give a crap about me. Not really. I thought I was okay with being a trophy wife, but now that I’ve got this baby on the way…”
“What are you so afraid of by telling my ex-husband to take a fucking hike?”
Claire shuddered. “I’m an actress. He could blacklist me.”
“How’s your career, sweetie?”
Cheeks red, Claire shot Carmen her own heated look. I think you’re amazing, Carmen Carter, but I’m not about to let you totally control this conversation. “Why do you think I agreed to marry him? Solely for his money? He’s a big producer. He has connections.”
“Don’t I know it.” Carmen sighed. “Who else knows about this?”
“Just my doctor.”
“Not even your own family?”
“No. I haven’t told anybody but Jake.”
“I see.” Carmen studied her son’s reaction before looking back at Claire. “It is love?”
Claire almost choked on her spit. “I… I don’t know…”
“If you two are in love, then you know there’s only one answer. If you weren’t in love, I could give you all kinds of advice, some of it you might not like. This?” She gestured to the held hands and how the young couple leaned in toward one another. “Just get married before Arthur finds out he’s been duped like he deserves.”
Claire sat back in her seat, hand faltering in Jake’s. Marry Jake instead? She had considered it more than once, but it was so farfetched, so stupid that…
“What do you have to say about becoming a grandmother?” Jake asked his mother. “You’ve barely reacted to that.”
“I’m only surprised that you haven’t shotgun married some other girl yet.” Carmen then addressed Claire. “If you haven’t noticed, my son is a terrible romantic. You’re either in for the love of your life, or the nightmare of your twenties.”
That made Claire’s eye widened, before she remembered what the real nightmare was. That was why they were here, invoking Carmen’s advice on the matter.
Well, she had given it, and now Claire had to decide how much she felt for Jake was real, and how much was her fears manifesting in new and more frightening ways.