Chapter Four
From the texts of Laura Collins and Libby Collins
Laura: Are you awake?
Libby: It’s only nine o’clock. Of course I’m awake.
Laura: Well, I can never tell anymore. Since you and Justin started getting domesticated, it seems like you’re asleep by eight-thirty every night.
Libby: In bed and sleeping are two very different things, big sister dear…
Laura: Ew. So gross.
I don’t want to hear about you and Justin getting it on, Elizabeth.
I’ve known him since we were twelve. I watched him pick his nose and wipe it on his desk in sixth grade. He’s basically a disgusting, goober dork. And no amount of muscle, handsomeness, fame, skill, or two-hundred-dollar jeans can change that.
Libby: Well, we can’t all be perfect by age twelve.
And I’m pretty sure he uses tissues now.
Laura: Or so you think. You should set up a nanny cam to film him while he’s watching television alone. I bet he still does totally gross stuff.
Libby: I thought you were okay with Justin and I being together, La.
I thought you approved. Am I missing something?
Laura: No. I approve. I’m glad you’re in love and that he makes you happy.
But that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop ripping on him. He seduced my baby sister without permission. He owes me three more major favors before he’ll be allowed back in my good graces.
Libby: Oh good! He thought he was on the hook for at least five or six more.
Laura: Nah. I’m going soft in my old age.
I’m probably also going crazy…
I just agreed to be Brendan’s fake girlfriend for the weekend to help get his former in-laws off his back.
Libby: What?!
Laura: Apparently they think he needs to start dating and have been making a big stink about him providing a “female influence” for Chloe.
So I agreed to help him out.
Are you okay with making my excuses to Mom and Dad?
I would call Mom myself, but she’ll keep me on the phone forever, and I have to pack for a long weekend with several nice dinners and skiing involved. Which means I basically have to pack my entire closet, plus extra long-johns and every pair of socks I own.
Libby: How about I tell them you’re not feeling well?
That way no one gets upset.
Laura: But then Mom will try to bring me turkey soup on Friday and freak out when I’m not home. Just tell them I’m doing a top secret, urgent favor for a friend and that I’ll explain everything next week, okay?
Libby: Okay, but is it really that urgent?
Couldn’t you meet Brendan on Friday, instead? I miss you. I feel like we haven’t had a chance to get our gossip on lately.
Laura: And whose fault is that Miss In Bed Banging Her Boyfriend By Eight Thirty Every Night?
Libby: *blushing smiley face emoji*
Sorry, it’s like a new toy. A really exciting new toy…
Laura: It’s okay. I get it.
We’ll catch up in a month or two when the sex fog starts to clear.
Libby: Will it start to clear by then? God, I hope so.
I mean, I love being with Justin, don’t get me wrong, but it’s like all I can think about is sex. Sex in the shower, sex on the drive to school, sex while I’m grading papers and whipping up fresh batches of play dough and picking glue out of my hair. My mind is in the gutter pretty much twenty-four seven, Laura.
I’m beginning to think I have a problem…
Laura: But what a problem to have, right? *winking emoji*
Libby: LOL. Hmmm. Yes. Things could definitely be worse.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving, and don’t worry about Mom and Dad. I’ll keep them off your back until next week.
Laura: Thank you so much.
Night-night, nympho.
Libs: Night-night. *blushing smiley face emoji*
From the texts of Laura Collins and
Chloe Daniels
Chloe: Dad told me you’re coming with us for Thanksgiving at Gammy and Pop Pop’s house!!!!! I’m so excited!!!! We’re going to have so much fun!
I can show you all my toys! I have so many toys at their house!
Dad says they spoil me rotten!!!
Laura: LOL. You aren’t rotten, but you are a mess.
Thanks for the goblin witch makeover, by the way…
Chloe: HAHAHA!! You’re welcome!!
You were so scary!!!
Did you take a picture?
I forgot I wanted a picture to add to my art book!
Laura: No, I didn’t take a picture.
Chloe: Oh well, I can do it again. I remember what colors I used.
I can do your makeup in the car on the way to Gammy’s house and we can show her when we get there!!
Laura: How about we wait and do a redo next week?
I would kind of like to meet your grandparents looking like myself, you know?
Not a crazy monster person with eyebrows up to my hairline…
Chloe: HAHAHA!!
So scary!! I’m going to have nightmares about your face!!!
HAHAHAHA!!!
Laura: All right, crazy head. Get to bed, and I’ll see you tomorrow.
Can’t wait to eat pie for breakfast with you this weekend!
Chloe: Me, too!! *pie emoji* *heart emoji* *heart emoji*
From the texts of Brendan Daniels and
Laura Collins
Brendan: I saw Chloe texted you. As you can probably tell, she’s pretty excited. I think she’s finally asleep, but she was bouncing off the walls when I first told her you were coming with us.
Laura: Oh, good! I’m glad.
So she wasn’t weirded out by the “special friends” thing?
Brendan: Not at all. But kids are like that.
They ask a lot fewer questions than adults do.
Laura: Except when they’re asking all the questions.
Like about how many seconds there are in a year or why toilets flush backward in Australia or how armadillos can infect people with leprosy.
Brendan: Right. Kids are all about the hard-hitting questions.
Thanks for your help with the leprosy thing, by the way. Chloe finally took her stuffed armadillo out of quarantine in the guest bathroom.
Laura: My pleasure. It was a fascinating afternoon of Internet research.
I now know more about armadillos and leprosy than I ever imagined possible.
Brendan: Speaking of imagining things…
I’ve been thinking about how this weekend is going to play out…
Laura: Yes?
Brendan: I mean, I don’t think there’s any reason to overdo it, since Chloe’s going to be underfoot and Steve and Angie are my former in-laws…
But if we’re not at least a little…affectionate they aren’t going to buy that we’re more than friends.
Laura: Okay…
So, what does that mean?
Brendan: Kissing. Holding hands, maybe.
And sleeping in the same room. In the same bed.
Steve and Angie aren’t old-fashioned people. Steve is a former biologist and Angie taught teen health and sex ed for thirty years, so…
What do you think? Is that all right with you?
Laura: Of course. It’s no big deal.
I mean, it’s not like we haven’t kissed before…
Brendan: Right. About that…
I’m sorry I was so abrupt the morning I left the hotel. I’ve felt bad about it ever since, I just haven’t known how to apologize for something like that.
Laura: Ground rule number one, and only for this weekend: we don’t talk about last summer.
It’s over, and we’ve been doing great with the friends thing. It’s fine. There’s no need to rehash it all and make things weird. We’ll pull off a few sweet kisses in front of your former in-laws, sleep platonically in the same bed, and then come home and get back to friendship as usual.
Done. Easy. No stress.
Brendan: Okay. Sounds good. Thank you.
So, we’ll pick you up at 7 a.m.? With coffee and donuts?
Laura: Perfect. Good night.
Brendan: Good night. And I really do appreciate this so much, Laura.
I’m glad it’s not going to be weird.
Laura: Ditto
From Laura’s journal
Tomorrow I’m leaving to spend four days pretending to be Brendan’s girlfriend.
AND IT’S GOING TO BE SO FUCKING WEIRD! ARGH! WHY DID I EVER SAY YES TO THIS STUPID, WEIRD PLAN? IT’S SO STUPID! AND WEIRD!
Note to self: Stop saying yes to stupid, weird plans. Stop saying yes to anything, in fact, until you get your head on straight and stop doing dumb things like crushing on a man who is never going to be more than a friend.
Ugh. Stupid. Weird. Blah…
See you on Monday, journal. Keep it tight.