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This is a bad idea.

The shrink was wrong. Driving all the way to 24 Easton Avenue in Brunswick wasn’t anything I needed. Even as I watch my mother, who’s sitting on the steps to the porch taking another puff of her cigarette, I already know I’m not going to get anything from her.

Closure, mending fences—whatever the hell Dr. Robinson thought I’d get from this isn’t here.

My mother looks the same in a lot of ways but also beat down, as if the years haven’t been kind to her, or maybe I just remember her differently. She’s in loose-fitting clothes that make her look even smaller than when I saw her last, like she’s frail beneath them.

Dr. Robinson is just like everyone else, thinking I’m exaggerating or that my perception is skewed. But showing up out of nowhere to tell my mother I’m working on my anger and making progress was a fucking mistake.

Allie stretches in her seat, slowly waking up from the nap she took for the last thirty minutes of the drive.

She’s so fucking beautiful when she sleeps.

I wish she’d stayed asleep so I could keep driving.

“We’re here?” she asks me and looks up at the house we’re parked in front of. The seat protests as she leans forward and looks at their porch, a red and blue wreath adorning the front door and two matching pots with baby’s breath on either side of it. “It’s cute,” she says sweetly.

I gesture across the street to my mother’s place with my hand as it rests on the steering wheel and then turn off the ignition. “That one,” I tell her.

She’s quick to look and say it’s cute too. And maybe it’s alright on the outside. No homey details and it looks just like it did five years ago when my mother bought it with that asshole. Only more weathered … just like my mother.

“You can stay here if you want,” I offer her. My anxiety is getting the best of me. I told Dr. Robinson I’d do it, so I will. I’m not a bitch. But no one likes being pushed aside and dismissed. Especially by their own mother. And definitely not in front of the woman they’re seeing.

“I’ll come,” she says as she unbuckles her seatbelt. As she reaches for her purse on the floorboard, my mother’s gaze finally finds its way over here.

A puff of smoke billows from her mouth slowly. Other than that, there’s no reaction. I know she recognizes me though, ‘cause she doesn’t look away. My chest tightens, making each breath more difficult. I focus on forcing air in and out. Just in and out.

The neighborhood is quiet when I step out, listening to the sound of Allie’s door and then mine clunk close before I turn to look back at my mother. She’s still seated, blowing out another puff before putting out her cigarette on the concrete step.

Allie waits for me before making her way across the street.

This was fucking stupid. It’s all I can think as I make my way back to a house I hate, back to a woman I fucking loathe. The anger is subdued though. It’s fucked up that even after all these years, I want something to change between the two of us.

That’s the first mistake. Having hope.

“So you came back?” my mother says and slowly stands up on the stoop. Her sweatpants hang loose on her body, as does the shirt she’s wearing. I keep my shoulders square and look my mother in the eye.

“What are you here for?” she asks, putting her hands on her hips.

I was right in my assumption from the car, she’s lost weight. Could be the cigarettes, could be the stress from losing Rick.

“I heard about Rick,” I tell her and as I do, I feel Allie’s small hand brush against mine so I take it. It’s funny how that little touch makes my heart hammer harder, but in a way that’s calming.

My mother breaks eye contact and looks past me as I tell her I’m sorry for her loss.

“I’m sorry too,” Allie says politely, but in a voice that’s so genuine and full of pain.

“Yeah … well, thanks,” my mother says coldly, dismissively.

“Mom,” I say and it feels odd calling her that so I have to pause before continuing, “this is Allison. Allison, this is my mother.”

I introduce them and Allie steps forward with her hand out to give my mother a handshake, even though she’s still standing a step higher than us.

My mom’s a fucking bitch, leaving Allie hanging there with an empty hand held high. She looks at Allie’s hand good and hard before nodding her head and saying, “Hi.”

The air turns cold around me when I see Allie’s face fall. Allie’s innocent in all this. I shouldn’t have brought her here.

Taking a large step forward, I shield Allie from my mother. “Just wanted to tell you that I’m doing fine, if you were wondering.” My words come out hard and bitter. I don’t know what the fuck the good doctor was thinking or what I was thinking when I decided to take his advice.

But there, I’ve told her, so we can get the fuck out of here.

“Fine? Is that what you call getting arrested?” My anger falters, even if just for a moment while my mother’s face forms a twisted sneer. “I always knew you were no good.”

I bite my tongue and hold back the explanation. She doesn’t fucking deserve one.

Just as I’m about to tell her goodbye for fucking good, Allie steps around me, her ass brushing against my leg as she shoves herself in front of me.

She’s short, shorter than both me and my mom and she has to crane her neck to look in my mother’s eyes as she tells her, “He was trying to do the right thing.”

I haven’t seen Allie angry really. I’ve seen her want to run, or pick a fight. But I’ve never seen her pissed like this. Her little hands fisted at her side. Her chin held high and her eyes narrowed. It’s sweet of her, but I wish it wasn’t for me.

“I’m sure,” my mother says and then pulls out another cigarette. She lights it and adds, “If you’re here for money, Rick didn’t leave anything to you.”

My body tightens, and my heart feels like it’s being squeezed. It fucking hurts. I can’t deny it.

I don’t know why what she said hurts even more. Not that Rick didn’t give me anything, but that she’d think I’d come back here looking for a paycheck.

But then again, money’s the only thing that ever mattered to her.

“He’s not going to do anything with his life, so you should really consider your options,” my mother tells Allie. She nods her head condescendingly as she speaks to Allie and doesn’t even bother to look at me.

“What a bitch,” Allie says with a high-strung voice, looking my mother directly in the eye. “You didn’t tell me she was this much of an asshole.” She turns her head to look at me with disbelief and then seems to check her anger when I don’t respond.

“Your son’s a good man and I have no clue how he got lucky enough to get away from you.”

My mother laughs, cold and disparagingly. She’s good at that. “Aww sweetheart, I hope you enjoy getting your heart broken.”

Allie opens her mouth again, and her face is scrunched up as she bites her tongue. She’s letting my mother get the best of her.

The difference between these women is simple. Allie cares; my mother doesn’t.

I wrap one arm around Allie’s waist and pull her in close to me, letting her ass press against my upper thigh and cut her off.

“Like I said, just wanted to give you my condolences.”

Allie peeks up at me with a bewildered look. “Let’s go,” I tell her softly, not bothering to tell my mother goodbye. I said it once years ago. I don’t need to say it again.