---

“Bottoms up!” Kev says over the sound of the music echoing off the walls of the room. The bass pounds through my veins as I toss the shot back. Partially to let go, partially out of anger.

Allison fucking ghosted. Hasn’t been to her classes, isn’t returning my texts.

My fist clenches around the empty shot glass as the whiskey burns down my throat.

I should have known better than to pretend she was fine.

I should have seen this shit coming.

“Ah,” James hisses as he shakes his head, slamming the glass down on the coffee table. His face is scrunched even as he yells out, “Whooo!” as if he’s having the fucking time of his life.

And maybe the other assholes here are. As each glass hits the table everyone around me seems lighter, happier, ready to party. That’s what this is. A party.

The air from my lungs leaves me as Kev’s hand pounds on my back.

“You my wingman tonight?” he asks me, lowering his face to mine as I hunch over the countertop. I follow his gaze to the set of brunettes across the room.

One with short hair and a bright pink tank top, while the other has her long hair pulled back and is wearing a short little black dress. They laugh as they spot Kev staring them down like they’re prey. They’re nothing like Allie. Kev can have them both. He nods and they blush, covering their faces with the red Solo cups of beer in their hands.

“Not tonight,” I tell him. I’m not feeling it. There’s only one girl I want to see here and I know for a fucking fact she knows I’m here. She knows where to find me. She’s not here because she doesn’t want me. I’m not stupid and her hints aren’t subtle.

I went to her place to grab her ass, but she didn’t answer.

She’s pissing me off more than anything. And with the whiskey flowing through my veins there’s not much of anything keeping me from going back to her house right now.

“Why the fuck not?” he asks me, rearing his head back to look at me like I’m being unreasonable.

“Not tonight,” I tell him and toss the plastic shot glass into the trash. That was the third or fourth shot I’ve had over the course of fifteen minutes. Maybe fifth. One after the other and I sway slightly, but the cup makes it into the bin.

“Is it that chick?” he asks me.

“Yeah,” I tell him and my body feels tight, even as my vision tilts. She’s fucking with me and she knows it. And worst of all, I’m letting her.

“Suit yourself,” he says beneath his breath as he fills a cup from the tap of the keg.

Anger rises in a slow billow as I watch the foam rise to the top of the rim.

“What the fuck does that mean?” The words slip from me without any deliberate intention. It’s the anger taking over. Not at him really. It’s anger directed at her.

“Calm down,” Kev tells me, scrunching his brow and looking over his drink at me. “I didn’t mean shit.”

James laughs and it pisses me off. The room slants in the opposite direction when I look at him.

“You got something to say?” I ask him. ‘Cause the fucker looks like he has something to say. The second the question leaves me, the front door opens and there she is.

The short dress hits her upper thigh as she kicks the door shut, letting the thin fabric swirl around her. From head to toe she has every detail in place. From her straightened hair, to the high heels that complement the bracelets adorning her wrist.

That devilish smile isn’t in sight as she turns toward the kitchen, toward us, and instantly catches my gaze. Like she could feel me watching her. I take her in slowly, feeling like an asshole for thinking she was avoiding me.

She wouldn’t have come if she didn’t want me.

But then her eyes flash and she rips her gaze away.

She came to end it.

My heart slams once, then twice as she walks toward us. In my blurred periphery I see James lean in closer and say quietly but with an arrogance I’m not in the mood for, “There’s a type of girl that fucks you raw when you show up to her house. Lets you fuck her in public. Likes to flirt, likes attention. And will do anything to get it. Or anyone.” He nods his head as he talks, staring at something behind me. My knuckles turn white as the anger builds in response to his oblivious nature. “You really want to be tied up with that?” he asks me and my head turns slowly. So fucking slow and against my will as Allison heads right for us.

“Watch your fucking mouth.” My words come out sharp, and as I turn toward him everyone else takes a step back.

The heat rises and my shoulders feel tense.

James looks at me like a deer in fucking headlights. Like he didn’t see it coming. Like those weren’t fighting words that just came out of his mouth.

Before I can say a damn thing I feel a strong arm push me back slightly, making me face Allison and not that asshole.

“Look who’s in the house,” Daniel says, wrapping his arm tighter around my shoulder and inserting himself between me and James. He keeps a strong grip on me and whispers to calm down. That she’s here and everything’s fine. That it’s not worth it. And that last line is what repeats itself as Allie comes closer, looking between all of us like she wishes she hadn’t come.

My heart thumps, and I struggle to know what to do. The whiskey and the anger swirl in the pit of my stomach.

I’m a fucking mess. Daniel’s good-natured laugh seems too at odds with what’s flowing in my veins.

But he’s different from me. Daniel has a way of smiling through the bullshit. Of acting like shit doesn’t bother him when inside he’s envisioning slitting your throat. It’s how he was raised.

“What’s up, sweetheart?” he asks Allie as she glances from James to him, then to me before setting her purse down on the counter.

The metal links of the strap clink as they hit one another and I force myself to focus on that, rather than the sound of James leaving the kitchen.

My teeth and fists are still clenched, the skin pulled taut over my knuckles.

“You tell me, sweetheart,” she mocks Daniel, but her confidence is barely there and her focus is split between us and watching James’s back.

“Shot?” Daniel asks as the music plays the word over and over. Another round of shots.

Her eyes flicker from me to him and as she parts her lips to respond, I interject. “Come on,” I tell her, grabbing her wrist and shrugging Daniel off of me.

He hovers for a moment as she stares back at me, ripping her arm away.

The tension grows and the air goes still and quiet; even the fucking music seems to dim as she considers whether or not to listen to me.

Shit, I guess it doesn’t matter either way.

I can see it written on her face. She’s running. From me and what we had. She only came here to tell me as much. Least she could do is not to say it in front of them.

“Lead the way, neanderthal,” she says sarcastically, avoiding Daniel’s piercing gaze. Like he’s her fucking protector. I can see it. He’s watching the two of us like he knows shit’s about to go down. Judging by the way everyone averts their gaze when I look at them, he’s not the only one thinking that.

I ignore him as much as she does and lead her in front of me, not really touching her, just staying close as we walk outside.

The music dies the second the door’s shut and the sticky heat of the late summer air and faint sounds of crickets from the woods behind us surround us.

I could use a drag. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a smoke, but right now, I’m hit hard with the need for a cigarette.

“What’s wrong with you?” Allie asks me the moment she turns around in her heels to face me.

“Where have you been?” I question her in return. “We came back Sunday. You missed two classes, texted me back with one-word answers and have been blowing me off.” I pace on the small cement landing in front of the door. “I mean, I knew shit was off on the way home, but all I asked from you was to be honest.”

“What wasn’t honest?” Allie bites back with anger. Good. I hope she’s pissed like I am.

“You don’t have to lie to be dishonest,” I tell her and even in my drunken stupor I know that those words make more sense than any excuse she can come up with.

“Yeah, well, I wanted to tell you something anyway,” she starts and I scoff at her.

“I gave you the fucking out you needed, huh?”

She shakes her head, that gorgeous hair of hers swirling around her shoulders as the heat climbs and I run a hand over my hair. No matter how put together she is, her eyes can’t lie to me. She can look pissed or like she doesn’t care. But her eyes have the same sad look in them they did at the hotel.

“What are you talking about?” Exasperation is clear in her voice.

“You want to be with me or not, Allie?” I ask her the only question I need an answer to and her plump lips part slightly, the immediate answer begging to slip from them, but she stops herself, slamming her mouth shut and swallowing the words.

“I knew it,” I tell her and feel pathetic. I’m not the pathetic one though. This is on her. She’s the one running from this. She’s the one who’s scared.

“It’s not you,” she says with way too little emotion in her voice. Like it doesn’t even matter.

“Oh, it’s not me, it’s you?” I ask with a bitter taste in my mouth. “Is that what you’re going for? Really? You can be more creative than that.” She flinches from the anger in my voice. “Come on Allie, I’ll give you a minute to come up with something better,” I sneer and lean into her. I’m pissed. I’m so fucking pissed.

It’s easier to be that than hurt.

Everyone pushes me away because they don’t want me. She fucking wants me. I know she does. And still, I can’t hold on to her.

“How about the fact that you were ready to get into a goddamn brawl when I walked in. How about that?”

“How about it?” I ask back. I don’t remember quite what happened or what she knows. All I remember is that someone said something that they deserved to be punched for. I don’t tell her that though, I stand there like an ass, waiting for her to fill me in on what the hell happened.

I shouldn’t have drunk so much. If I’d known she was coming, I wouldn’t have.

“I don’t need you to stick up for me,” she says and James’s stupid fucking face flashes in my head.

“It’s not about sticking up for you. You’re mine.” I thump my hand against my chest to emphasize my words.

“I’m not yours. I don’t belong to anyone!” she screams at me and takes a step closer. The heat from the argument is at odds with the chill in the late night air.

“Knock it off,” I tell her dismissively. “You know what I mean.”

“This is why I can’t ... ” she starts to say, but even she can’t hold on to the thin excuse.

“Quit pushing people away – quit hiding,” I beg her through clenched teeth.

“How am I the one who’s hiding?” she bites back the question.

“You just need a reminder of who you belong to, don’t you?” I ask her and take a step forward, closing the space between us. She’s so fucking close. So small, and all I want to do is pick her ass up and show her she’s mine. I can remind her. She just needs my touch.

“You’re drunk,” Allie says in a harsh whisper and looks behind me at the door to the frat house. I watch the hollow of her throat as she swallows thickly and something flashes in her eyes.

“Does that make it better or worse?” I ask her and imagine taking her right here, right now. “If I fucked you right there in the dirt,” I offer her.

“Dean, don’t,” she whimpers and closes her eyes, wrapping her arms around her shoulders. Like it hurt her. “Please,” she begs me and it’s like a slap in the face.

“Please what?” I ask her calmly, trying to pull my shit together. “I didn’t mean to … ” Hurt her. I didn’t mean to put that look on her face.

“Allie Cat,” I speak softly, reaching up to hold her shoulders and pull her in closer, but she takes a step back. Her heels clack on the landing.

“I don’t want this,” she finally says and it’s then I see the tears, real tears, flowing freely and she doesn’t brush them away. It stuns me for a second.

“Please, you’re drunk and this, what’s between us, it’s over.”

“Why?” I expect anger, but this shit welling in my chest isn’t that. “Just tell me why. I’ll fix it.”

I swear I can fix it. I can change. For her I will.

“You don’t commit to a goddamn thing,” she sneers at me out of nowhere. Like she finally remembered the made-up excuse she could use.

---

“I committed to you!” The words come out loud and leave me hollow and empty. “I love you!” I yell the words although I don’t mean to. So loud, the words burn on their way up. I fucking love her. My heart beats slower and the anger leaves in a slow wave at the realization. It’s been a long damn time since I’ve loved someone and I know she loves me back, somewhere in there she does. But she doesn’t want to and that’s what’s different about us.

“Well that was your first mistake,” she says and waits. I stand there, letting everything hit me. What I feel, what she feels. When she turns around and the click of her heels rings through the air, I feel numb.

Not because of what she said, I knew it was coming.

It’s because even feeling all this for her, and knowing I love her and that she loves me, it’s not enough.

Even with all that being true, she won’t stay with me.