I dip in and out of consciousness seeing nothing but white.

White walls.

White blankets.

White coat.

I blink a few times and feel my hand being lifted, held by the warmth of another. I turn my face to the side and find Sean in his white lab coat. Standing next to him is a brunette woman I’ve seen before but can’t place.

“Bunny? Wake up, honey.” He pats my hand and kisses the top as the brunette walks to the other side of the bed.

She opens my eyelids with thumb and forefinger and then flicks on a light, blinding me. “Dr. Tillman, her pupils are equal, round, and reactive to light.”

“It’s okay, Dr. Alexander. I’ll take care of her stats. She’s family.”

Family. The word makes me grimace. Our family unit died along with my brother. It’s me who’s been holding on to Sean, not letting him go be happy and free with his new partner.

I turn my head to the other side, not wanting to look at his kind face and the memories that go with it.

“No way, Honor,” he snaps, and I glance back to him. “No way in hell you’re avoiding me. You scared the bejesus out of me. When they brought you into emergency, honey, I lost it.” His voice cracks, and he swallows. “I couldn’t even tend to you. I watched them pump blood into you and save your life.”

I swallow around the cotton coating my throat. Save my life. “What? What am I doing here?” I don’t remember what happened. The last thing I can recall is being hurt and angry with Dr. Hart, and ugh, my mother. She called, but it’s all a blur.

Sean’s jaw tightens, and his lips go white and flat. “The maid at your hotel found you earlier this morning, lying unconscious in a pool of your own blood on the bathroom floor, with barely a pulse. A razor blade clutched in the palm of your hand.”

I groan and attempt to lift my arm to my face to wipe along my eyes. The brunette holds my arm down and shakes her head. The other has an IV sticking out of it and attached to tubes going to a monitor and bags of fluids. This is a nightmare.

“Honor, you took a razor to your arm and wrist and cut up the palm of your hand pretty severely. Not exactly the first time if what’s hidden under the henna is any indication.” His eyes soften and flash with concern. “Bunny…” He uses the nickname he and my brother always used. An old joke from the past. “You tried to take your life last night?” His voice cracks, wracked with unspoken emotion.

Again, I turn my head and try to remove my hand from his. He doesn’t let go. Thoughts of what I must have looked like when they found me, what he must have seen when I arrived by ambulance… Shame coats every pore, and I close my eyes. Hot tears leak down my cheeks as his words delve into my psyche.

Did I mean to go that far?

When I lost Hannon, I wanted to. Thought about it so many times, but I was always a coward. I could never take it that far. Something always stopped me.

Sean curls a hand at the back of my neck and turns my face to look into his eyes. “I didn’t know how deep your grief went. I’m sorry, Honor. I should have been there for you. Watched out for you. Hannon would have…”

“Hannon’s dead,” I say flatly. “He’s gone, and he’s never coming back.” The words on my tongue sting like acid, each one hurting more than the next, but it’s the honest truth. I need to truly accept that fact and stop living my life based on the loss of him.

“Honor…”

Tears pour from my eyes. “Just go. Leave me alone. That’s all I’m ever going to be is alone.” The dread in my voice is undeniable.

“The fuck you are!” A deep growl I recognize instantly flares against my senses like a wall of flames.

My eyes immediately go to the open hospital door.

“You better get your hands off my woman, Doc, or you and me are going to have some serious problems.” Nick’s tone is rife with danger and fierce possessiveness. No one’s ever claimed me the way he did in that moment.

Sean removes his hand from around my neck and my upper thigh.

Oh, this is bad. So, so, bad.

“Excuse me. Who the hell do you think you are? This is my sister,” Sean says loudly, and for a second it makes my heart swell with love for him, remembering a time when hearing him say that would have been old hat. Not so much anymore. Hannon’s gone, and Sean is moving on with his life. I’m not his responsibility. I’m not anybody’s responsibility.

“You’re her brother?” Nick looks at Sean’s much darker features, the exact opposite of me, confusion rife within his features.

“Her brother’s dead,” Sean states, devoid of emotion, and that sends an arrow straight through my heart because I know how very true it is.

“What the fuck?” Nick shakes his head. “Get out of my way.” He pushes past Sean and comes to my side. He gets low, his eyes assessing me from head to toe and zeroing in on my bandaged arm, wrist, and palm. His jaw gets tight as his dark gaze flashes with anger. “Who hurt you?” Both of his hands go into fists. “Give me a name. A single name and I’ll take care of him.”

Tears fall down my cheeks again. I’m not worthy of this man. “Go home, Nick. You don’t know what you’ve stepped into.”

It’s as if I verbally punched him in the nose with how he jerks his head back. Slowly he inhales, nostrils flaring as he clenches his teeth before leaning his forehead against mine. His breath is minty fresh when it floats over my skin. “Dove…my woman’s hurt. I’m here. Right here until you’re better. That’s how this is going to go down.”

“Your woman? Nick!” The brunette who had tended to me smiles. I think Sean called her Dr. Alexander. She enters the room this time with a new set of bandages. Mine are soaked through.

“Amber? You taking care of my woman?” He doesn’t miss a beat and apparently knows my female physician.

The pretty doctor grins, lifts her head to the sky, and places both of her hands in a prayer pose. “Thank the good Lord above for this blessing.” She breathes in obvious gratitude and then lifts my arm. “And yes, I’m taking good care of her.”

Amber is Dr. Alexander, which reminds me of how I know her. It’s from that one time when I’d been at Sunflower Bakery with Grace. The doctor was holding hands with her husband, having coffee with the yogis. Great. Now everyone’s going to know what I’ve done.

A sense of dread mixes with the filth of why I’m lying in this hospital bed. A sour taste blooms on my tongue as it dawns on me that everyone is going to find out my secret. I reach for the pink cup of water near my side, but Nick gets to it first. Johnny-on-the-spot that one, titling the straw to my eager mouth.

“I’m sorry, Honor. Who’s this man that’s claiming to be your mate?” Sean asks, nonplussed. He’s been in my life for many years, and this is the first he’s hearing of him. I should have told him about Nick sooner, but I didn’t know where it was going. I had no idea he’d want to be with me. As in, the relationship type. And now here he is, holding my hand, petting my cheek, taking up every ounce of personal space I have.

“Um…he’s Nicholas Salerno. My uh…” I let the sentence fall off because we haven’t exactly had that discussion.

“Like I said, I’m her man. Now can you update me on her prognosis?” he demands flippantly, his eyes never leaving mine for a second.

Sean narrows his gaze and then looks to me. His shoulder falls, and he frowns. “I’m afraid I can’t do that. Honor will have to discuss with you what happened on her own terms. Dr. Alexander? Are you done?”

While the men were verbally battling, the good doctor promptly and rather efficiently changed my soiled bandages.

“Thank you,” I murmur, wishing she’d just leave. Wishing they’d all leave so I could wallow in peace.

Sean and Amber exit the room and close the door.

“Fuck, babe.” Nick sits in the chair by my side and brings his face close, kissing me. The gentle press of his lips is worshiping, reaffirming. His kiss speaks of intense relief and concern. When he pulls away, he doesn’t go far, only a few inches from my face. “How did this happen?”

I swallow, firm my resolve, and decide if he knows the truth, maybe he’ll be so disgusted he won’t bother with me anymore. It’s as good a plan as any. He deserves to know what kind of woman he’s committing to.

Using up every ounce of courage I have, I say the words I’m sure he wouldn’t ever expect to hear.

“I cut myself. I’ve been hurting myself for years. This is just the first time it went too far. Apparently, I passed out last night on the floor in my hotel. The maid found me in a pool of my own blood. She must have called an ambulance.”

Nick clenches his teeth, his jaw firming into what looks like chiseled granite. I continue undaunted. If it gets him to leave me alone, free himself of the nonsense that he should be with me, then all the better.

“Sean Tillman, the doctor who was here, is my dead brother’s ex-boyfriend. He used to be family. Now I don’t know what he is. So that’s it. You can leave now.” I inhale slowly. “Nick, you don’t need or deserve any of this.”

He scowls before responding. “How’s about you shut it and let me decide what I need!” His voice is hard, firm, and without a hint of where he’s headed with his thoughts on what I’ve just said.

To say I’m frightened to hear his reaction is an understatement. I’d rather have holes drilled in my teeth than listen to him tell me how horrible I am or see the pity in his eyes. It’s a look I’d recognize anywhere because my mother gives me the same one anytime I’m within touching distance. Whatever he has to say and throw my way, I’ll take. I deserve whatever disgust and disappointment he’s going to spew anyway. I’ll store it all inside. I’ll need it in order to let him go.

“What led to what took place last night?” His question is calm and direct. Not a lot of emotion, which I appreciate.

I lick my lips and focus on his gaze, trying to make sense of his question. “Each time is different. Last night went too far.”

“That’s not what I asked, Dove, now is it?” His words this time come in a bear-like growl. “I asked what happened yesterday to spur this action? The night before you were fine. We talked on the phone. You said you had an appointment in the morning and would come to the gym to start work. You didn’t show. I worried. You didn’t answer your phone. I had no way to contact you. I was out of my mind, Honor. I knew with my entire being something was wrong and had no fucking way to fix it. Do you know what that’s like?”

If the bed wasn’t holding me up, I’d have fallen through the ground. “Nick…I’m sorry. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind.”

He curls his hand around my neck and swipes at a tear falling from my cheek. “I get that. But the only way I found you was by calling every hospital until one of them had a patient with your name. Do you have any idea how fucking scared I was? Do you, Honor?” This time his voice is full of emotion. Fear, anger, concern, and a little of something I can’t begin to define.

“Nick…”

He cuts me off before I can genuinely apologize.

“No, Honor. I want to know what happened before you hurt yourself. The straight-up truth.”

Tears cloud my vision as I think back to yesterday. I started the day out happy. Excited, even. “I, uh, went to see my psychologist. Dr. Hart.”

He tips his chin up and sets a heavy hand to my thigh and the other to my shoulder. It’s as if he can’t stop touching me. “Monet Hart?”

I close my eyes and take a breath, trying not to revisit the emotions that came with yesterday’s episode. “Yes. She figured out that the two of you are friends.”

“Yeah, and? She’s a great doctor, good at what she does, I hear. Amazing woman too. Her and her husband, Clay, are some of my best buddies.”

Him touting her praise rankles my nerves, but I shouldn’t care. He’ll leave me soon enough, so it doesn’t matter what he thinks of other women. “Yes, well be that as it may, she said she couldn’t be my doctor because the two of you were friends.”

Nick scrubs at the scruff on his chin; the sound of his whiskers scraping along his palm is like a balm to my battered soul. It would be so easy to drown in his nearness and the peace he brings with him, to wrap my arms around him and never let go…but it’s wrong. Bringing Nick down to lift myself up is not how a healthy relationship works.

“And this upset you?”

I grimace. “She’s the first doctor I’ve ever felt comfortable with. The only woman I confided in, and told all of my…um, secrets.” I glance down at my bandaged arm and then back at him. “I thought she cared…” I can hear my own voice rising, but I barely recognize it.

Nick rubs one hand along my leg and thigh and grasps my shoulder with the other. “Babe, I’m sure she does care.”

I shake my head furiously as the tears wet my nightgown. “You see, there’s where you’re wrong. The second she could find a way to remove me from her life, she did. Just like everyone else. And then after I ran out of her office, my mother called. Told me how horrible I am as a daughter, demanded I move back home, go out with that man…” I ramble on. What I don’t realize is the beast awakening in the man next to me. I’m so focused on getting it all out, easing my conscience for a moment, I don’t notice what I’ve said until the pressure on my thigh turns almost painful, and I glare up at Nick.

His eyes are daggers of rage, and his mouth is formed in a scowl. “Your mother normally say off-color things to you?”

I nod, afraid to say anything more.

“Set you up with men you don’t want?”

I nod again.

“She hurt you with her words a lot?”

More nodding.

Nick stares into my eyes, and I swear he’s seeing straight through to the barely flickering light of my wounded soul. This man can ruin me with one look. One word. A simple touch of his hand. I want him desperately, but he’s better off not wanting me. I could so easily imagine a good life away from all the despicable things surrounding me if I only had him. I’d give it all up. The money, the status, anything to have him. Except, I’m not enough. He deserves perfection, not a broken shell of a woman with nothing more to offer than a scarred body and torn heart.

He looks at my face and focuses on my bandaged hand. Every so slowly he lifts my hand, placing it into his. With a featherlight touch, he runs three fingertips up my exposed inner arm. When he reaches the first hidden line, he traces its length. A shiver ripples through me.

“What brought this on?”

I choke on a sob but don’t so much as flicker my gaze away from his. He waits patiently. “My mother was angry when I slipped and collided with a waiter at a social function. He dropped several glasses of wine and champagne. My lack of grace took away from her function and laid waste to a disaster people spoke of later. She didn’t like that and made sure I knew it.”

He squints, his pupils narrowing to tiny dots. He brings his fingers to another jagged scar. I’d opened that one twice, which is why it’s more raised than the others.

“This one is worse,” he says conversationally, but each finger to one of my sins is opening me up anew; the physical manifestation of the blood not being present doesn’t matter. It’s the raw truth that leaves with each confession.

I shake my head. “No. Sometimes I reopen them. It makes a bigger scar,” I admit, still holding his gaze.

Nick’s lips curl into a frown. “And this one?” He reaches another one.

“I missed Hannon.”

“And how did missing your brother turn into needing pain?”

Needing pain is not usually how I imagine others would describe what I’ve done. It’s absolutely the exact right description for why I do what I do, but it’s not often that someone understands it so completely.

I shrug, not wanting to answer.

“Words, Honor. You owe me that.” And he’s right, I do. He’s here, still with me, and I don’t know why he hasn’t left the room and run as far away as he can get from the broken mess that I am.

I lick my lips and let my heart offer a response. “At least if I have pain, I feel something other than grief. Sadness. The worst is when I just feel numb. The pain takes that all away, and for a time, I feel…”

“Relief.”

I suck in a sharp breath and pull my arm away. My heart pounds a beat so hard in my chest, I can barely breathe. “Nick…” I nearly suffocate with the power that single word holds.

Nick grabs my hand and holds it between both of his before running his hand back down my arm to feel each scar. “I know a thing or two about needing to feel something, Dove. Watching men die for their country, my brethren, men I worked with, cared for, and then lost within a blink of an eye. It changed me. Gutted me in ways I can’t begin to explain. It’s why I lift iron. Punish my muscles. And when that’s not enough, I get into the ring, punch any man who dares to get in and fight. It may not be cutting open my skin, but it hurts, every day. I need the pain to keep the demons away.”

I gasp, his words digging so deep within me, I don’t know where he begins and I end. I sit up and lock my hands around his neck, needing him closer, plastered against my body. The urge is overwhelming. He must feel it too because he stands, scoots onto the bed, and tucks me along his chest. His chin rests against the crown of my head, surrounding me fully with his embrace.

“Honor, I get you on a level no man will ever understand. And I want to teach you healthy ways to get through your depression, anger, and grief so that the bite of the razor doesn’t call to you. Never does again.” He clears his throat. “Would you let me inside, let me help you deal with these wounds?”

Let him inside.

Help me.

It all sounds so surreal. The only man who ever cared was Hannon. And what Nick shared, he does understand, maybe better than I do.

“Why?” I need to hear what is compelling him. What’s inside this good and honest soul that wants to trudge into the ugly unknown with me.

“Because when I’m with you, my demons disappear. You do that for me. Your presence, your smile, the goodness I see every time I look at you. It’s as if you were put on this earth for me and me alone. You’re my broken dove, but together, we’ll fly free. Free of the pasts that haunt us.” Nick runs his fingers through the tendrils of my hair before continuing. “It may be selfish of me to want you close, to be that shoulder you cry on, but babe, every time I hold you, a little of my own hurts fade away.”

I close my eyes and nuzzle my nose against the center of his chest. “I want you, Nick, but I don’t want to bring you down.” My voice quavers and shakes.

He tips my chin up with his thumb and forefinger. “Hey, you only lift me up. Remember what I said: We brave it together; we fly free together. You and me. Maybe that’s why I’m attracted to you. Aside from your gorgeous face and big tits, that is.” He grins and kisses my forehead.

A small chuckle slips from my lips, and I can hardly believe I’m in a hospital bed, snuggled into the most amazing man’s chest, after having suffered a tragedy I didn’t mean to inflict on myself, and here I am laughing. Not hardy-har-har type guffaws, but like the light flickering in the center of my chest is getting bigger and brighter. And it’s all because of this man.

“Do you think you can do that? Let me be there for you?”

I press my lips together and think about what he’s offering. It’s almost too good to be true. “I can try.” I’m almost afraid of the words as I whisper them, not wanting to do anything that could let him down again.

“That’s the best I can hope for. And while we’re doing that, we’re going to work with Moe to figure out your therapy.”

I frown. “Moe?”

“Monet Hart. She’s Moe to all of us.”

I nod.

“Have you called her? Does she know you’re here?”

I shake my head and snuggle close, suddenly so tired. My mind feels like it’s been on a merry-go-round, which hasn’t stopped spinning in days. I just need a moment to breathe.

For long minutes, Nick runs his fingers through my hair and holds me close as best he can around the IV and bandages. He kisses the top of my head and whispers. “I’m going to be here for you. I promise you’re not alone anymore.”

His words sound like a benediction, a promise. I curl my fingers into the soft fabric of his T-shirt, take a deep breath, and sink into his embrace. “Please don’t make me love you…” I sigh. “I’ll never recover when you leave.”

Nick’s arms tighten around my body, and he tugs the blanket over us both. “Not going anywhere. You rest, get better so I can take you home. We’ll worry about everything else one day at a time. One day at a time.”

The last thing I hear is Nick’s steady heartbeat lulling me to sleep, and I feel the press of his lips against the crown of my head.