By Monday, after my temporary state of lunacy over the weekend, I’ve set up the nursery and managed to make it through another week. This will be the last week at work before my self-imposed pre maternity leave, and if not for the fact that I actually hate the other “traditional” mothers glaring at my “lack of showing” and “you look so good for six months” belly, the sheer madness of my life was likely to get me sent home anyway. So, the timing is perfect.
I had still been incessantly debating about Garrett. He needed to know.
One constant thought loomed in my mind: Who did I think I was to keep this a secret from the father of the child?
After feeling sorry for myself for several months, it suddenly occurs to me that he had been cheated out of all these months of knowing he is going to be a father, and this is all my fault.
How will I even explain it? Sure, he might be panicked, but I’m not asking anything of him. I certainly don’t need him financially. Work is going well and I feel my job with Karen is secure. Besides, he’d done more than enough by securing the new job for me.
There would be no stalking or begging to be betrothed. What was I so afraid of?
And then it hits me. Am I afraid he might actually want to be in my life? Might I have secretly longed for that?
Maybe the real conflict is that I was ready to be with him when I put on the air of someone so independent and not seeking the protection of a man. Nonetheless, the internal battle of should I, or shouldn’t I? had me hanging on by a thread at this point. Still, the actual decision of whether to tell Garrett was changing minute to minute.
The week came and went. Just days until my maternity leave, two p.m. on Thursday, to be exact, my boss stops into my office.
“Dear, can you drop this at the office of Marks, Sanchez, Reed and Mack?” Karen asks. As if as an afterthought— which to her, it probably was— she adds, “Oh yeah, your reference. You used to work there. So, you know where it is.”
She shrugs and smiles, as if that is that. And how convenient to boot.
My stomach drops, and it isn’t from the tacos I ate for lunch. How will I walk back in there at six months pregnant, my belly round and protruding, without a comment?
Of course, some people say I’m barely showing for someone so far along. And Erin and I are still close, so I know she hadn’t revealed anything to Garrett. She would never.
Besides, by now she is so in love, it matters very little what I’m doing. She’d finally found someone who finds her frizzy hair, crooked teeth, and smart mouth endearing rather than off-putting. Who would have guessed?
Me. I would have guessed.
Now, I answer Karen without letting myself over think anything further.
“Sure. Sure, of course.”
What else was I going to answer? No, because the father of my secret baby might find out?
“Would it be okay if I head out a little early then?” I ask her. “So I can drop this off on my way home?”
“Yes, indeed. Thanks. It should go to directly to Garrett, or have Erin please hand deliver it.”
I gulp and reply, “Um, yes. Yes.”
“You okay to do that? I mean, you aren’t in pain or anything? You seem pretty good still. Look, if I’m being honest, your belly is smaller than most of the ladies here— hah.”
Was that supposed to be an attempt at humor? I enjoy working for Karen, but she’s certainly an odd character. I’m not sure if she’s laughing or hacking up a hairball.
My new boss is the no-nonsense, all-business type, which was a welcome change from what I was used to with Garrett. I suppose she was starting to warm up to me a little now and try out a joke.
So, even though she had just given me an out— I could say I don’t feel well; pregnancy sickness, or some other such excuse— I would feel bad taking it. I decide to grow up and do what she asks.
“Yeah, I mean I’m not bedbound, hah. I can walk. You’re not asking me to do a marathon. It only requires getting out of my car, hopping on an elevator, and handing over a package. I think I can handle that.”
I realize I’m becoming a bit snarky, so I smile to compensate. She nods, and there it is. My fate is sealed.
I have to text Erin immediately. This is going to be the scandal of all scandals. The partners will definitely talk amongst themselves when they see me. Even though I miss Erin, and Claude, and Madilyn, and Ruby and Katie, I had avoided going into the office. Obviously I had been afraid of running into Garrett and having an awkward encounter. But I also didn’t want to give away my secret by having them see me. Since some of them had been pregnant themselves recently, they’d pick up on my trail like sharks to blood.
I mean, I think I look like a blimp. Even though everyone including Karen says I’m barely showing, I just chalk that up to “the things you tell an obviously pregnant woman to keep her from strangling you with her bare hands.”
Suddenly, I can feel the beads of sweat forming on my brow.
Then, as if courage is a bottled drink, I feel this warm rush of strength. No, I will not cower. I will face this proudly and make this the opportunity to share the news with Garrett. After all, he really is a great guy.
He deserves to know that I’m about to have his baby, that he’s about to be a father.
So what the hell have I been so afraid of?