Taking one last perusal of my dorm room, I experienced a raw surge of emotion. I hadn’t expected to mourn over my departure from my college quarters, but I suppose it was understandable. In a sense, it was the end of my youth. Circling my hand over the growing swell of my stomach, I sighed. I had a responsibility for a life other than my own now. Gone were my nights of binge drinking and rolling out of bed at high noon. Soon, I’d be up to my ears in late night feedings and diaper changes. Having a baby fresh out of college wasn’t planned. Though, the baby was the least of my worries. His father was.
“You all set?” Haris asked. Taking the last of my bags from my hand, he hitched the strap over his shoulder.
“I can carry that myself.” He was already carrying my luggage. I could at least manage my tote.
Reaching down, Haris gripped the two larger suitcases in his hands. “I know, but it’s the way I was raised.” He was raised upper crust. His family owned one of the largest hotel chains in the country. He’d want for nothing in life. Except me, that is.
Nonetheless, Haris had played his cards right. He’d bided his time until he had the upper hand, and then offered to step in and play the part as the father of my child. Haris wasn’t the father. Carter Strickland was.
The problem was, Carter and my brother Jake were both members of Hautboy, one of the hottest bands gracing the music charts, and Jake had strict rules about his bandmates sleeping with his little sister. Meaning it wasn’t allowed. I was strictly off limits. No exceptions. Whatsoever.
Desperate to hide the real father’s identity, I had agreed to Haris’s proposition. His offer didn’t come without stipulations, however. He wanted me to give him a chance. He didn’t want to play the part; he wanted to assume the actual role. He wanted to raise the baby together, like a family.
I didn’t feel that way toward him. I’d told him as much. But he’d pleaded his case. And with hesitation, I’d agreed. Haris was a good guy. No, a great guy. He was dependable, considerate, far from ugly, and completely in love with me. I loved him. I just wasn’t in love with him. There was a huge difference between the two emotions. That right there was the catch twenty-two.
“Matilda?”
Pulled from my musing, I tugged the handle. The heavy wood door closed with a thud, and that twinge of mourning returned, knowing I’d never return to my room again. As small as it was, I’d still miss the place. I’d spent a lot of time there with my friends, growing up and finding ourselves.
Ok, so it was more than just a dorm. I’d come to college with a plan. I wasn’t simply finding myself. Up until about six months ago, I’d foolishly believed that I’d mature to be a beautiful, independent woman that could hold the attention of Carter Strickland. Not just capture it for a brief moment, but possess it for an undisclosed amount of time. To do that, I needed to shed my adolescence. I needed to be confident. I needed to have something his groupies didn’t: intelligence.
It was all a delusion, of course. I knew that now. Jake had been right all along. They were musicians, and expecting them to settle down and remain faithful was asinine. Well, where Carter Strickland was concerned, Jake had been right. Tate Watkins, the band’s front man, was now married. Shane Richardson was committed, and had gone sober for his girl. Jake, himself, was recently engaged. Only Carter was holding out for the long haul.
Six months ago, I’d confessed how I felt, and he not only rejected me, but assured that a relationship with me was an impossibility. It would never happen. Ever.
I’d matured, all right. Quickly. Carter had destroyed any vestige of innocence that college living hadn’t stripped bare. I’d grown. I’d matured. Just not in the manner I’d planned.
Anyhow, Haris and the others had been there for me. We spent the weekend holed up in my dorm room, softening the blow to my pride with countless six-packs, a rather large bag of buds, and a multitude of snack foods. So, yeah, I was going to miss the place. It was the end of an era. Things were never going to be the same.
“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Haris asked.
“I have to face him sooner or later.”
“Not really. I could get a place for us here. You won’t ever have to see him again if you don’t want to.”
“Haris.” The guy just didn’t get it. We’d discussed this already. Countless times. “He’s the baby’s father. As much as I dread it, I have to tell him.”
Pensively, he stared, a thousand retorts perched on the tip of his tongue. “You don’t owe him anything, Matilda. He bailed on you.”
“I know that!” I snapped. Stepping around him, I strode down the hall. I knew quite well that Carter had ditched me. He made it clear what we’d done was a mistake, that I was Jake’s little sister, and it would never happen again.
I’d never felt like such an idiot. I’d thrown myself at him, seduced him in the front seat of his car in the airport parking lot. I had been crying, having argued with Jake over my part in Tate’s psycho ex-girlfriend attacking his wife, Cooper. Jake blamed me for aggravating the situation by mouthing off. Never mind that I blamed myself. Whatever. Carter was just being nice, offering me solace. I’d taken advantage of the situation. I’d told him how I felt about him. Taken off guard, he’d been an easy mark. But the second we were finished doing the deed, he’d come to his senses. He practically pushed me out of the car and left me choking on a plume of burned rubber as he sped off.
“Matilda!” Haris’s shoes scuffed the floor, tailing me down the hall. “Matilda, the guy’s a fucking idiot. He doesn’t deserve you.”
Hiding my tears, I pressed the down button for the elevator, once, and then a second time. “What he deserves is irrelevant,” I muttered. “He didn’t want me.”
“Like I said—the guy’s an idiot.” Dropping my bags, Haris grabbed my arm and spun me around. His expression softened at the tears rimming my eyes.
“I don’t want to do this,” I clarified. “I don’t want to see him again.” It was bad enough I thought about him every waking moment, and sometimes in my sleep. I didn’t want to face him in person.
“Then don’t.”
“I’m not crying over him,” I insisted, my jaw set. “I’m crying over the situation I put myself in. I feel so stupid. I’m pathetic. Tell me I’m not pathetic.”
“You’re not pathetic. You’re human. Pathetic is preying on a girl’s hard luck for an in.” Cupping my chin, he dropped his head and kissed me. His lips were unmoving, testing to see how I’d receive him. Haris had tried to kiss me before. A few times, in fact. I’d always dodged his advances with a turn of my head. This time, however, I let him kiss me. Hell, anything to forget Carter Strickland.
Parting my lips, I leaned into his kiss, resting my hand against his chest. Was that a spark I felt? Yes, it was a spark. It was small. A kindling. But it was definitely a spark. Sliding my tongue along his lower lip, I invited him in. Sparks grew into fires, didn’t they? I just needed to be receptive. Perhaps he was right. If I stopped looking at him as a friend, my perception would shift. My feelings might grow.
Haris had some serious sex appeal. With his black hair, olive skin, and green eyes, he didn’t want for attention. He had an exotic allure that he inherited from his Mediterranean parents. One was Italian. The other was…the hell if I could remember. At the time, all I thought of was Carter. But that was then. Things were different now. I was different. I forced myself to focus on Haris, who actually gave a damn. God knows, Carter didn’t.
“Matilda,” he groaned, abandoning my lips. Drawing a sharp line across my jaw with his teeth, he pressed his body closer to mine. “I’m not beyond acts of desperation.”
“Then we’re a pair.”
“Deep down inside, I know I should take insult to that, but I’ve waited too long to kiss you to care.” Working his way back toward my lips, he threaded his fingers into my hair, and swept his tongue into my mouth.
There it was, the spark. It wasn’t a full out blaze like Carter engendered, but it was palpable. I could live with that. It felt safe. In control. I could breathe. My heart didn’t want to beat its way from my chest. Maybe Haris was exactly what I needed. A slow and steady simmer instead of a raging fire.
My fingers curled into his shirt, trying to keep my balance. My weight was throwing me off center. Laughing, Haris guided me backward until my back rested against the wall. His hand strayed from my waist and roamed lower, cupping my ass as he ground his hips against mine.
“Get a room,” someone carped, while lugging a small fridge onto the elevator. The dorm was nearly vacant, all but the occasional straggler removing the last of their belongings. I’d waited until the last minute myself, reluctant to face Jake again. And Carter. Ok, Carter a little more so than Jake.
Breaking the kiss, albeit reluctantly, Haris let me go. “Everything’s going to be fine, Matilda. I’ll be there with you.” Pressing a kiss at the corner of my mouth, he lifted my bags and stepped toward the elevator. He dropped his foot along the track, holding the door for me.
Shuffling past him and onto the elevator, I met the eyes of the other occupant. His gaze dropped to my waist and then focused over my shoulder. “Kovač.”
“Fennec.”
“I didn’t realize you were together.” Fennec gestured to me as I pushed the button for the ground floor. The doors slid closed, and the car began to descend, causing my stomach to flutter.
“Just recently.”
“You didn’t waste any time.” He made it sound teasing, but I couldn’t help but take insult. His comment was a pat on Haris’s back and a stab in mine. Naturally, being a girl, I was the easy and irresponsible one.
“Everything happens for a reason.”
Fennec remained unconvinced. “If you say so, man.” His grin said that he wasn’t testing those waters anytime soon.
An uncomfortable silence fell across us, and I was glad that the dorm was only two floors. The brakes kicked in and gravity once again took its toll, causing my stomach to flutter. A second later, the doors glided open. I exited first and stepped to the side, making way for Haris, who was still carrying all of the bags, and Fennec with his mini fridge.
“Congratulations,” Fennec said, passing us by. “Or maybe I should say good luck.”
“Congratulations works,” Haris replied. “Thanks.”
Fennec lifted his hand in a half-hearted wave. A few steps away, he muttered to himself, “Better you than me.”
My mouth popped open to retort when Haris stepped into my line of vision, diffusing the situation. I stared up at him, my chin in the air. “I’d like to punch him in the back of the head.”
“That’s a little underhanded, don’t you think?”
“I’m a girl. We’re supposed to fight dirty.”
“I thought this was where you were supposed to be practicing your unwavering maturity in preparation for parenthood.” He forced a smile, attempting to disguise his warning with humor, as if he was teasing me.
My breath escaped in a choke.
“I was kidding, Matilda,” Haris said, realizing his error.
“No, you weren’t.” The one thing Haris didn’t have going for him was a sense of humor. Don’t get me wrong, he laughed, but he didn’t have that quick wit like my usual choice of friends. He was more the austere, spoon-fed type, with the poise of a politician or a businessman.
“It was a joke, albeit poorly timed.”
Sure. “You were making a point in the guise of a joke. Not quite the same thing.”
At a loss for words, Haris’s shoulders slumped.
“Relax, Haris, you’re right. In fact, maybe if I was more mature I wouldn’t be in this predicament in the first place.” Facetiously, I smiled and cuffed his shoulder. “Now there’s a truth veiled with humor.” Indignant, I stalked off.
“I didn’t mean it like that. Damn it! Matilda!”
“You mean you weren’t insinuating that I was brash and immature, and I was going to be a terrible mother?” I tossed over my shoulder.
“No!”
Pushing through the vestibule doors, I passed Fennec and his mini fridge. His neck craned, hearing my approach. He watched me go by. Behind me, Haris struggled through the door with my luggage.
“Matilda!”
“Hey Kovač!” Fennec called. “Like I said, good luck. They don’t call her Matilda the Hun for no reason.”
“Shut the fuck up, Fennec.”
Matilda the Hun? I filed that away for later.
“Matilda, come on. I’m just saying that kids are like sponges. They repeat everything they hear and see. How’s it going to look when he’s running around punching everyone in the back of the head?”
Reaching the car, I turned and leaned against the bumper. I wasn’t mad. I was upset, because he had a point. I needed to grow up, leave my immaturity behind. I needed to be a role model for my child. I had to rise above idiots like Fennec or…Amanda Keller, and not let them goad me into lowering myself to their level.
Amanda was one of Tate’s exes. She had come to his concert in Missoula with the intention of reclaiming Tate’s attention for herself. When things didn’t go according to plan, she opted to waylay Cooper backstage, attacking from another angle. Her aggression continued as we joined the audience. In response to which, I flipped her the bird and told her to fuck off. This unintentionally incited a small riot. Amanda seized the opportunity to shank Coop in the throat with a broken bottle, threatening her singing career, if not her life.
To this day, I felt immeasurable guilt for my participation. Jake hadn’t needed to point out that I’d added fuel to the fire. If I wouldn’t have gotten involved, Coop wouldn’t have had to intervene. But I’d been drinking, and I picked a fight with Amanda. I’d acted brashly and immaturely. And because of it, Coop had gotten seriously hurt.
Haris was right. I did need to grow up.
“I’m sorry,” I said, looking up. I unraveled my fingers from the hem of my sweater and smoothed it out. “I suppose you struck a nerve.”
Haris shifted his weight, looked away. “No, I’m sorry,” he countered. “I shouldn’t have said that. I think you’ll be a wonderful mother.”
“You’re right, though. I need to start watching what I say, and you shouldn’t be afraid to speak the truth.” Guiltily, my gaze dropped to the ground. “You don’t have to do this,” I said, offering him another chance to bow out. “It’s not like I’m destitute and alone.” I was lucky. Aside from Jake being overbearing, he was actually supportive. I mean, he wasn’t happy about the pregnancy, but he wasn’t going to kick me out onto the street.
“I’m not folding, not that easily.”
“I’m not easy to get along with.”
“I’m aware.”
“I don’t know if I can change.”
“I’m not asking you to. I love you the way you are. I have my own faults, but there’s a time and a place to let yourself go.”
“I have my bachelors in education, Haris,” I retorted. “I’m a teacher. I know how to conduct myself in front of children.”
“Your job is about to become twenty-four seven.”
“I’ll have to make sure I take full advantage of nap and bedtime to get all the smoking and swearing out of my system.”
Haris’s lips twisted upward. He dropped my bags to the ground, and stepped toward me. “You don’t smoke.”
“Then I can swear twice as much.”
“I can think of much better ways to spend nap time,” Haris suggested, stepping closer. “Though, it might involve a measure of swearing if you’re inclined.”
“If I’m never inclined?” I inquired. I had to ask since we were airing our concerns. It was a possibility that the spark might fizzle.
“Then I’ll do the swearing.” Reaching for me, he pulled me against his chest. The rear door of the SUV opened behind me. Before releasing me again, he pressed a chaste kiss to my lips. “You felt something, Matilda, enough to kiss me back. That’s a start.”
“You're too good for me, Haris.”
“You undervalue yourself.”
How could I not? Carter Strickland destroyed any sense of worth.
“Is everything settled?” he inquired, meeting my eyes again. “Are we good to go?”
“I suppose.”
“Then get in the truck. I promised your brother I’d have you home by noon.” Lifting the first of my bags, he slid it into the cargo space.
“You talked to my brother.” A frisson of discomfort rippled down my spine.
“Last week sometime. We exchanged numbers at graduation.”
“I didn't realize you were on a one to one basis with him.”
“We’re dating, Matilda, and having a baby. It would be a little odd if we didn't exchange numbers.”
But we weren't dating, and the baby wasn't really his, not at the time. I guess it was moot. That was then. This was now. For all intents and purposes we were together.
“What does he have planned?”
“Nothing big. Your gram and a few friends are coming to welcome you home.”
“Ugh.” I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. “I changed my mind. I don't want to go home.” Grabbing my other bag, I hefted it off the ground and began lugging it back toward the dorm. He was going to be there. It was going to be a catastrophe. I just knew it. Carter wasn't one to curb himself.
“You're going to hurt yourself,” Haris chided, prying the bag from my hand. “And we really do need to go, or we’ll be late.”
“This sucks.”
“Could be worse.” Tossing the last bag in the back, Haris followed me around the passenger’s side and opened the door.
“I couldn't possibly see how.”
“They wanted to come pick you up in the tour bus.”
“Ok, it could be worse.” A lot worse. “Thank you for talking him out of that. I'm eternally grateful.”
“That’s what I’m here for.”
Grasping the handle above the passenger door, I pulled myself up into the seat. Haris was there to assist, ever the gentleman. Our eyes met briefly before he looked away. That glance said a thousand words. This wasn’t a game. He was vested emotionally. He wasn’t just trying to get me in bed.
Reaching down, he yanked the seatbelt from behind the seat and passed it to me. “Buckle up.”
“Haris.” I grasped his hand before he could walk away. They were smooth, yet strong. Carter’s hands were callused from playing guitar. I couldn't help comparing the two. Didn't matter, though. Only one of them was here. Haris stared at my hand and then looked up, meeting my eyes. “Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me. I love you, Matilda.” He pressed a quick kiss to my brow and took a step back. “Watch your hands.” As I rested my hands on my lap, he pushed the door closed, and then rounded the truck. A second later, he slid into the driver’s seat.
“So...” I began, steering the conversation toward safer waters. Haris looked up from sliding the keys into the ignition. He shifted the gear into reverse. “Why do they call me Matilda the Hun?”
A contrite smile teased his lips. “Because you instill widespread fear among men, and it's said that you can only be conquered by one.”
“That’s a terrible analogy.” It was fair to say, I’d been conquered, alright.
Looking over his shoulder, he backed out of the parking space. His eyes met mine one more time before turning and focusing on the road. “I’m not looking to rape and plunder, Matilda. I want to rule by your side.”