Four

KYLE

 

I just got out of the shower and was about ready to pass out on the bed when there was a knock at the door. Figuring it was Match, I yelled out to come in while I went over to my duffel to get out a pair of shorts and a tank to sleep in.

“I think today went well, don’t you?” I rummaged looking for panties. This was my civilian bag so they were nicer than the ones I wore for work; they even had colors on them which was a nice novelty. “I’m kinda impressed with how many of them know what they’re doing. And did you see Jagger shooting?” I heard movement behind me, but Match wasn’t one for answering normally, so I just continued as I pulled on a pair of yellow boy shorts. “Duke says they have a couple of useable rifles with scopes on them, so that’ll do us well tomorrow night. Which group are you assisting?” When he didn’t even answer with a grunt, I decided to just cut my losses. “Just get into bed, Match…”

“What the fuck?” A voice I hadn’t expected and scared the shit out of me barked. Standing up and spinning around so quickly I almost lost the towel, I saw a pissed off looking Jagger glaring at me. “Match?”

“What are you doing here?”

“I came to talk to you. Match?” He asked again, moving towards me slowly.

The look on his face was so pissed off that it took me a second to figure out why he was asking about Match. “Nightmares,” I whispered watching as he stopped moving and the expression on his face changing to confused.

“Nightmares?” His eyebrows jerked together as he asked. Shit, he even had good eyebrows.

“We get them, so after a mission we stay in the same room so we can help each other.”

His face immediately softened and started walking towards me again. “I’m sorry, baby.” It went against everything in me to be affected by that one word, but part of it cracked the concrete still around my heart. The guys all treated me like one of them and unless a guy was hitting on me, I was never spoken to like that; from Jagger, I couldn’t deny that I liked it.

Shrugging, I went back to getting dressed, very aware of the hazel eyes watching every movement. “It happens to everyone.”

Right as I pulled the tank over my head, arms went around me from behind. Ever since the kiss earlier, I had moments wondering what the hell was going on with him, intermingled with questions over whether I could trust him or not. I still wasn’t sure, but I tended to go with my gut and it didn’t usually steer me wrong. With this guy, it was telling me that I could trust him, but I would still proceed with caution until I was sure.

“What are they about?” He spoke softly into my neck making goose bumps pop up on my arms.

“Shit that happens when we’re away, victims that we’ve failed,” I explained, making it as vague as I could. I wouldn’t tell him that I also had nightmares about the things that my mom had done to me and the moment I found her.

I felt his chin rest on my shoulder and the slow movement as he nodded. “When did you get this?” his hand swept down the phoenix tattoo on the back of my side that I’d gotten after my first assignment as a ghost. It was on the opposite side of my injured ribs which were screaming again after today and represented the moment I’d become Kai and not the girl that I’d been before it.

“Just after I joined Indigo.” The tattoo went from the top of my thigh and then twisted around my back to just under my shoulder blades and had been done by a friend of Hammer’s. I had lain on that table for five hours while he shaded and created a masterpiece that I looked at every day. It helped ground me and also helped me keep my walls up. I wasn’t the girl from before it, she was long gone. I had a pretty design that I’d drawn up during one assignment with the military. I had it blown up and it went up the center of my stomach. That one he couldn’t see, yet.

“It’s beautiful,” he murmured.

Turning around to face him, I tried to keep my face blank. “What are you doing here?”

Throughout my childhood and in my profession, I’d been surrounded by confident men who never balked at a question or showed embarrassment; it was just the way it was. Now, watching Jagger try and answer this, something which before would have struck me as almost weak, seemed endearing as he opened and closed his mouth a couple of times and then rubbed the back of his neck.

Sighing, he tipped his head back to look up at the ceiling before looking back down at me. “I’ve grown up in this world. You know who my dad is,” it was a rhetorical question, everyone knew his dad. “I was an asshole until your dad took me on and helped me work my way to where I am today.” The implication that Preacher could be a motivational and helpful guy had me stiffening slightly, something which Jagger seemed to understand based on the sympathetic look that crossed his face. “Not once have I come across something special, Kyle, but in the last couple of days I think I have. You!”

I was used to the normal bullshit that guys spewed when they wanted something, but for a guy in his position he wouldn’t have to spin those tales. I didn’t do relationships; I’ve seen the hurt and hell they caused. I wasn’t jaded or naïve enough to think that all relationships were like that, I just wasn’t willing to take that chance. Watching Jagger closely as he thought how to continue, I took in the body language tells that I knew and relied upon in my job and right now, unless he was a Hollywood actor, none of it was signaling that bullshit.

“Look, I like you. And, I think you like me,” he stood watching me for an indication that he was right, and I gave him a brief nod and watched as his shoulders visibly relaxed. “Can we…” he reached up and grabbed handfuls of his hair as he tried to find the words. I could have taken pity on him, but I’ve never been in this situation and he obviously hadn’t either. Then again, I was exhausted and the worry of the case we were working on and Perry was weighing on me.

“Okay,” he obviously hadn’t expected me to say anything because he jumped slightly. This strong biker who took no shit in any area of his life was making himself genuinely vulnerable to me; I couldn’t let him tear himself up trying to explain it any more.

His relief was palpable as he let out a breath and stepped toward me and pulled me into a strong hug. I’m not a tactile person and the team wasn’t either, so it took me a second to relax into it. The second I did, he softened as well.

Now that I thought about it, growing up, the only person to ever actually hug me had been Preacher and some of the guys. My mom had been abusive, something I tried not to relive after how I found her when she committed suicide. Her letter made the abuse and alcohol a bit easier to understand, but I never condoned it.

Shaking myself out of those thoughts, I pulled back from Jagger. “I need to sleep.”

Nodding his head, he shocked the hell out of me by kissing my forehead softly. “We have a busy day tomorrow and you need to be ready to work your magic,” the side of his mouth quirked up in a smile that made him go from hard to almost sweet. “Can I stay here tonight? Just to sleep,” he added seeing the look on my face change.

“I don’t know if that’s safe,” I was muttering trying to work around the issue. Would he think less of me if he knew I was even more damaged than he probably already thought? I wasn’t dumb to the fact that he, and the rest of the MC who had come along after I left, probably knew all about my childhood and what had happened. Hell, even if I heard that about one of my team I’d realize the scars they’d have from it. That wasn’t even the tip of the iceberg with my issues though. You didn’t go into my line of work and come out of missions without mental and emotional scars, no military personnel did.

“I swear, I just want to build this,” he indicated between us. “I’ve never had anything to build and I want to do it right.”

I could see what he was saying, and I appreciated it, but fuck I was going to have to tell him. “I get…I have problems when I sleep.”

His eyebrows scrunched as he looked at me confused. “How do you mean?”

Walking over to the bed, I sat on the edge and looked at the floor. I didn’t do this, my team all knew and didn’t need any explanations. Unless it affected my ability to do my job, then I didn’t explain myself to anyone. This was so fucking hard.

“I get nightmares,” I continued looking down at the floor, not wanting to see the look of pity on his face. It was something that I hated. My nightmares weren’t only about missions and jobs, they were about the shit that came before it.

His legs came into my field of vision before he squatted in front of me and lifted his hands to hold my face to look at him. “That’s understandable. Duke showed us some of the stuff that y’all have to do and obviously we’ve seen footage from your time away. I get it.” We’d see, I could react violently in my sleep depending what nightmare I was reliving. “Is it just about that, or is it about…you know?”

His question made me stiffen and shut down. I could admit it to myself and I didn’t doubt the guys knew that I had nightmares about her, but I wasn’t bearing it to him. Looking between my eyes, his mouth firmed and he nodded once before standing and holding his hand out. “Let’s do this.”

I took his hand and walked around to my side of the bed while he stripped down. I wasn’t a bashful person, I was surrounded by guys and there had been plenty of occasions where dignity and pride took a back seat so that we could get changed or cleaned up. Then again, none of them had been the guy in front of me. As he took his shirt off I saw the tattoos that covered his chest and shoulders knowing full well that on his back would be the patch of the MC. He was in really good form, which I’d already known after today’s work out, but feeling and seeing were two different things.

Once we were settled, I remembered something that had never appealed to me. “I don’t spoon. If I wake up and you’re in my personal space, I will cause you pain.”

Rolling over after he turned the light out, and moving close behind me he let out a sleepy sigh. “What?”

“Spooning, where you’re body heat melts the skin off my back and I wake up thinking that I’m burning alive.”

Snorting, he snuggled in deeper and murmured, “So noted. Just so you know, I’ve never slept with a chick before either. I’m a solo sleeper. Well, unless you count the time that me and Gauge got wrecked and woke up where we passed out…fucking spooning.”

I burst out laughing at the mental image of the beast that was Gauge spooning Jagger. “Photos?”

“What do you think?” Oh, there were photos. MC members could seem like aggressive assholes on the outside, but no way would they ever pass up a chance not to record a moment like that. I was going to have to find them because this was too good not to enjoy. “Sleep, baby.”

Just before I let sleep take me, I had a flash of the sweet baby face of the Senator’s daughter. Tomorrow was going to be hard, but we had to get her back. I knew what would happen if we lost her trail and I couldn’t fail another baby.

 

JAGGER

 

I woke up to the bed pitching left and then a thump and Kyle groaning. Whatever was happening to her had moved her a bit further across the bed from me, so I reached to the side and turned the lamp on. Kyle was gasping and her arms were crossed in front of her face as she curled up in a sort of fetal position on her back.

I was about to reach across the bed to try and wake her up without scaring her, when she screamed.

“No, Mom. Please stop.” She punctuated it with a wheeze and her hands went to her neck.

A noise at the door took my attention from her and I saw Preacher standing there with a look of murder on his face and his gun in his hand. Seeing that she was dreaming, there was an immediate shift of anger to sadness, but he remained where he was watching her.

“Mom, stop! Please, it hurts. My arm hurts,” then came the gasping.

I glanced at Preacher who was starting to make sense now of what was happening to Kyle. By the tightness on his face as he realized that she’d suffered a measure of abuse at the hands of the woman who’d given birth to her, if the woman wasn’t already dead he’d have killed her himself.

“Daddy help me!” The final wail broke both of us.

Looking at me he whispered through clenched teeth, “Find out. I want to know all of it. My fucking baby…” the last word came out as a croak as he turned around and with one last glance at Kyle as I shook her gently awake, walked out and closed the door behind him. There was a thump and the sound of Tarp asking Preacher if he was okay before the footsteps walked away.

Watching Kyle as she woke up with tears streaming down her face, I saw her as she realized she wasn’t in the dream and that she was safe. When she saw me looking at her though, her face shut down and she sat up and went to get out of bed. I couldn’t lose this moment with her, so I wrapped my arms around her from behind and moved so that my legs were either side of her with her back to my chest.

“Wanna talk about it?”

She was clammy and almost as hard as a rock as I held her, but I was adamant.

“Ah, it’s nothing, just an old thing from a mission. It happens from time to time,” she shrugged. “Can I get up and go to the bathroom?”

The weight on my shoulders over what I was about to say was immense. Moving my head so that my forehead was against her shoulder, I took the leap.

“Your mom was on a mission with you?”

I expected the body pitch forward so I moved with her. I had no doubt that she could get out of the hold that I had her in if she wanted to, but Kyle didn’t cause unnecessary pain and damage to people. During training today, she could have a million times over, but she always held back.

“What the hell are you on about?” Her voice was almost brittle given how tightly her jaw was clenched. “It was a flashback of this mission that had some shit happen is all.”

“Baby, you were yelling about your mom and asking her to stop because it hurt. At one point, you called out for you dad.”

I expected a fight. I expected her to deny it or throw me out. I expected anything but what she actually did. It was like someone had suddenly drained her of everything as she collapsed back onto me and put her head in her hands. Taking her weight and listening to her shaky breaths in and out, I wanted to take the weight of what had happened too. I didn’t doubt that what she did stayed with her and that she’d seen things that no one should see; if I could take one bit of weight from her though, I would.

“She was so mean,” she croaked. “I would hide away from her or stay here and it wasn’t ever enough.” I adjusted her so she was sitting sideways across my lap with her head on my chest. “I thought that if I could make dad happy, that I could maybe get away from her, ya know?” It was rhetorical, but I nodded my cheek against her head. “Nothing was ever good enough. She’d tell me how evil Preacher was, how he sold little girls and shit and that he hated me. He was never there, so it hurt. And then she got a baseball bat,” she broke off and shuddered. I felt sick to my stomach, but no way was I going to interrupt her. “Dad would come home sometimes and I’d be so bruised and sore that I’d hide in my room saying I was sick. One time I had to walk to the ER, I had a broken arm and bruising everywhere.”

“Jesus Christ,” the nearest ER when she was a kid would have been over an hours walk. And Preacher had been so close to finding out…

“Then the day happened,” she sounded almost robotic like she’d locked that day away.

“Did you ever try to tell your dad?”

Her answer was just to shrug. I would bet my bike that the bitch had told her that he’d never listen, or believe her or she had threatened her in some way. Preacher was going to have a fucking shit fit over this. No wonder she had issues with him.

“I’m tired now,” she still didn’t sound like the Kyle that I had come to know. There had been contradicting flashes of the woman who was pretty much a legend. On one hand, she was a kick ass tactical ace who could take down anyone without blinking. Then on the other, was this vulnerable woman who had never opened herself up emotionally apart from to her team, and that was a completely different type of love.

I was going to have to tread more carefully than I thought. The other issue was, how do I tell Preacher without breaking the trust she just placed in me?

I was about to move us so that we were lying down, when she turned around and straddled my lap. The warmth of her pressed up against me almost made me groan.

I watched her as she held my face in both her hands and looked between my eyes. Then, shocking the shit out of me, in a move that was tender and something that seemed so far away from the normal Kyle, she gave me a soft kiss.

“Thank you,” she murmured against my lips.

Wrapping her up tightly in my arms, I hugged her before moving us so that we were lying down again. After turning off the light, she went back to sleep almost instantly, while I lay there trying to get my head around all of it. Preacher was going to be feral when I told him what I found out. I had to find a way to do it when Kyle wasn’t around because she’d know that I told him. I also had to find a way to get Kyle to forgive me when she did find out. Then there was the secret that Preacher was still holding back from her…when did my life become so fucking complicated? Normally, the shit keeping me awake was the jobs we were doing and the people involved. That all still weighed on me too, but now there was Kyle.

Fucking hell!