Love bubble?

Love cocoon?

Love shroud. Ooh, I like it. That sounds kinda morbid, like a Phantom Limb song.

I opened my mouth to tell Hans what it was that we were floating in and then giggled because I’d already forgotten.

“What’s so funny?” he whispered into my ear, barely audible over the roar of the bonfire and other fucked-up party guests.

“I don’t even know!” I giggled back, nuzzling my face into the soft crook of his hoodie-covered neck. “I’m just so happy right now.”

“Me too,” Hans whispered, turning his face to mine. His low voice rumbled through me, and when his lips found mine, the invisible layer of fuzzy, tingly electrical pulses surrounding us intensified tenfold.

It felt like every hair on my head was standing on end as Hans’s tongue slid along the seam of my lips and swept into my mouth. I couldn’t hold on to a thought long enough to think. I could only feel, and everything felt important. Amazing. Symbiotic.

We couldn’t have gotten out of that lawn chair if we’d tried. Hans and I had merged into a single eight-limbed monstrosity. A freak of nature. We’d become joined from our necks to our knees, and we didn’t give a single solitary fuck who saw us like that.

All of a sudden, the rickety metal and nylon chair shook beneath us as if we were in an earthquake. I clung to Hans’s hoodie as the sound of laughter erupted behind us. I looked up to find Trip staring down at us, pupils the size of saucers, gripping the back of our chair and grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

“Time to play, lover boy. We gotta be done by dark so the cops don’t get called again. Tuck your boner in and get your ass in gear.” Trip ruffled Hans’s hair and headed toward Steven’s patio where Baker and Louis were already setting up.

I stuck out my bottom lip and looked back at Hans. “You can’t go. We’re stuck together forever.”

Hans smiled, warmth shining out of his dilated denim-colored eyes. “Forever,” he whispered against my lips.

“Forever.” I beamed against his.

“Hansel Gretel Oppenheimer! Get your sexy ass over here!”

“I gotta go, baby.”

“Wait. Can you even play on ecstasy?” I glanced around him at the spot where I knew he would stand, just to the right of Trip’s microphone.

“Fuck yeah. It’s amazing. I don’t even have to think about it. I just play.”

“Okay. I guess you can go.” I pouted. “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you more.”

“Don’t make me come over there, motherfucker!”

Hans stood up and set me down in the empty seat we’d been sharing by the bonfire. Steven had attempted to make a half-pipe in his backyard over the summer, but it hadn’t gone well. Evidently, it takes more than just a shit-ton of plywood and some nails to successfully build a skateboard ramp. So after he’d busted his ass on it a few times, Steven had gotten pissed off, torn it down, and set it on fire.

Not super mature, but it was a great excuse for a party.

Goth Girl scooted her lawn chair over next to mine. “You two are so fucking cute,” she deadpanned.

“You’re so fucking cute,” I said, tugging on one of her long Wednesday Addams braids.

Goth Girl rolled her eyes, but I could tell she wanted to smile.

“He’s always that sweet, isn’t he?” she asked, watching the guys setting up.

“Mmhmm,” I hummed dreamily. “Always.”

“Oh my God, is this the first time you guys have rolled together?”

“Mmhmm,” I hummed again, smiling at my lover from across the lawn.

“You’re so fucking lucky,” Goth Girl lamented, resting her head on my shoulder. I could feel her teeth grinding against my bony joint. “Steven’s such an asshole. Sometimes ecstasy is the only thing that keeps me from cutting his dick off and throwing it out the car window.”

I laughed, a little too hard, and rested my head on top of hers. It felt good to talk to her again. I think that was already the longest conversation we’d had since she started dating Steven.

“Where is he?” I asked. “You guys are usually all over each other.”

“He’s inside, making Maddie dinner.”

“Maddie’s here?” I sat up and looked at her.

“Yeah. Her whore mother dropped her off an hour ago with no warning.”

“I’ve been out here for an hour?”

Goth Girl sat up and laughed—or came as close to it as her dry, apathetic personality would allow. “You’ve been out here for, like, two hours.”

“Really? No wonder I have to pee so bad.” I giggled.

“Go pee. And bring me a beer on your way back.”

I nodded and planted a little kiss on her pale cheek. Then I stood up on two rubbery legs and stumbled toward the house. The band was tuning their instruments, so I mouthed to Hans that I was going to pee, hoping to be back before they started playing.

He cupped a hand to his ear and mouthed back, What? I can’t hear you.

Then we grinned at each other like loons.

When I stepped into the kitchen through the back door, it was like falling from heaven into the pits of hell in an instant. Someone was crying. Someone was yelling. And something crashed against the wall next to my head.

A little girl with bright red curls was standing next to the kitchen table. Her arms were folded across her chest, and her sleeves and pant legs stopped a few inches higher than they were supposed to. “I wanna go home!”

“You are home!” Steven shouted back at her, slamming an empty beer bottle down on the kitchen counter. He swayed a little on his feet after the motion.

“I don’t want you! I want Mommy!”

“Well, that’s funny because your mommy didn’t want—”

“Hey, Maddie!” I interrupted before I even knew what I was saying. “It’s so nice to meet you! I love your room! Will you show it to me?”

Maddie and Steven both turned toward me, the hurt they’d inflicted on each other still fresh on their faces.

I walked slowly toward Maddie, as if she were a wild beast. “Will you show me which My Little Pony is your favorite?”

Maddie huffed and glared at her dad. “I don’t even wike My Wittle Pony anymoh.”

“Really?” I said, coming to stand between her and Steven. Crouching down so that I was on her level, I asked, “What are you into now?”

Maddie’s golden-brown eyes shifted to mine. “SpumBob StwarePants,” she said with every ounce of sass she possessed.

“Oh, I haven’t seen that show yet. It’s new, right?”

The back door opened behind me, letting in the first few bars of Phantom Limb’s fast-paced thrash-metal opening song, “Death Rattle.” Maddie watched her father leave, then returned her gaze to mine once the door slammed shut. Her eyes softened fractionally, and her shoulders seemed to relax a little.

“Yeah, it’s new. It’s so funny. SpumBob wivs in a pineapple undoh de sea.”

“Really? That’s awesome!” I put my hand on the floor to steady myself as the room began to tilt. My stomach lurched, and my mouth filled with saliva.

No, no, no. I can’t puke. Not now. I need to eat. Eating will help.

“Maddie, sweetie, what did your daddy make you for dinner?”

“Leftovoh pasketti. I hate pasketti.”

Yeah. I can tell from the way it’s dripping down the wall.

I crawled over to the fridge and pulled it open. Condiments, Chinese food containers, expired milk, and at least seven cases of Miller Lite.

Awesome.

“I wike toast.”

I turned and looked at Maddie, who was sucking on the end of her sleeve.

“Wif cheese on it.”

“Girl, you have excellent taste.”

After Maddie and I finished our gourmet cheese toast, Maddie stole all the paper out of Steven’s printer so that we could draw pictures of “SpumBob StwarePants” for her room.

She sat on my lap so that she could reach the table better, and that whole love bubble/cocoon/shroud thing I’d been in with Hans sucked Maddie right up. I loved her. I loved her take-no-shit attitude and her adorable gap-toothed smile and her squishy little hands, still plump with baby fat. I wanted to ask Hans if we could take her home. With that red hair, no one would even know she wasn’t mine, except for the fact that it was biologically impossible for me to have a six-year-old.

Details schmetails.

Just as I was putting the finishing touches on my pineapple sketch, I heard the front door open and close. A guy I’d never met before walked into the kitchen through the living room and squatted down next to Maddie.

“What’s up, homegirl?” he asked, holding up his fist.

“Uncle Jason!” Maddie squealed and smashed her tiny, little balled-up hand against his.

The dude had an interesting vibe. I was so high, I could practically see people’s auras, and his read relaxed, smart, cool, outsider. He had a nice smile, and if it weren’t for that frat-boy haircut and wardrobe, I totally would have thought he was cute.

I can only imagine what I looked like to him. I’m sure my aura was blinking yellow like a caution sign, screaming, Ninety-eight-pound crackhead who is clearly fucked up and should not be supervising a goldfish, let alone a six-yea-old child.

Mr. Crew Cut extended his right hand to me with a smile. “Hey. I’m Jason.”

He even shakes hands? Who shakes hands?

“So I heard.” I smiled back, accepting his hand with my much clammier one. “I’m BB.”

He was polite enough not to recoil like most people did when they felt how cold my hands were. He also didn’t make a big deal about my pupils being the size of quarters.

I decided I liked him.

“Are you Steven’s brother?” I asked, narrowing my eyes but still not seeing the resemblance.

“No.” Jason glanced between us at Maddie. She was humming the SpongeBob SquarePants theme song to herself while furiously coloring in my pineapple sketch. Lowering his voice, he said, “I’m his dealer,” with a wink.

I burst out laughing. “And she calls you Uncle Jason? No offense, but that’s fucked up.” I immediately clapped my hands over my mouth and looked down at Maddie to make sure she hadn’t been listening. “Messed up.”

Jason laughed. “I’m here a lot. Maddie and I usually bro out for a few minutes whenever I stop by, don’t we, Mads?”

Maddie nodded as she concentrated on staying in the lines, her little pink tongue poking out the side of her mouth.

“Are you sure you’re a dealer? You look more like”—I tilted my head to the side in contemplation, then pointed my marker at him—“a stockbroker.”

Jason laughed, showing off those pretty teeth again. “Ouch.” He held both hands over his heart.

“Not in a bad way!” I backpedaled, holding my hands up in apology.

Jason stood up and walked over to the fridge to help himself to a beer. “It’s cool. I do corporate web design and IT support during the day. I want to start my own company in the next few years, so I’m just doing this to help raise enough capital for all the start-up costs.”

“Kind of like how I’m gonna be a stripper in a few years when I have to pay for grad school.”

Jason snorted as he took his first sip of Miller Light. “You’re cool.” Tipping the neck of his bottle at me, he asked, “So, how’s that roll treating you?”

Shit. He can tell that I’m rolling. Am I that obvious?

“Ugh…great.”

“Good. That’s one of mine. Evidently, they were pretty popular tonight because Steven called me to come replenish his inventory.” Jason pulled a ziplock baggie out of his khaki pants pocket and shook the little white tablets inside.

“Do you make those?”

“Nah, I just sell ’em,” he said, tucking the bag back into his pocket, “but I want to make sure they’re good, you know. I like to keep my customers happy.”

“Well, I feel pretty damn—I mean, darn happy.” I turned to look at Maddie but found her sound asleep with her head on the table. The sun was almost down outside, which meant that it was probably around nine o’clock. I turned back to Jason and laughed. “I think we bored her to death.”

“You need some help with that?” he asked, gesturing toward the unconscious child on my lap.

“Nah, I got her.” I wrapped my arms under Maddie’s armpits and scooted my chair out, but that only caused her head to fall forward once we cleared the table.

Jason chuckled and came over. Setting his beer down, he picked Maddie up like she weighed nothing and carried her into her room.

I turned on the small lamp next to her bed and began unlacing her too-tight shoes.

“Why don’t you ever come to any of Steven’s parties?” I asked, wriggling off one beat-up, old sneaker.

“Oh, that’s ’cause I ran out of black lipstick and nail polish. And, also, because I don’t want to.”

I laughed as I pulled her other stinky shoe off. “Yeah, it’s not exactly my scene either, but Goth Gir—Victoria…is my friend, and my boyfriend’s in the band, so…here I am.”

I unzipped Maddie’s stained pink hoodie and managed to get it off of her without dislocating one of her shoulders. I hoped. Tossing her My Little Pony comforter over her, I smiled, remembering waking up under that same comforter with Hans. It was crazy to think that that was only two months ago. I felt like I’d known him my whole life. And maybe a few other lifetimes before this one. I couldn’t wait to get back outside, climb back onto his lap, and cuddle and kiss and whisper sweet nothings until our bodies disintegrated, and we got new ones all over again.

With my aura now a rosy shade of pink, I turned off Maddie’s lamp and stumbled directly into the footboard of her bed.

“Fuuuck!” I shouted, grabbing my knee in the dark.

Jason stood in the doorway, laughing at me, as I hopped around, rubbing the fresh bruise.

“Fuck you,” I spat through my clenched teeth, limping past him and into the hallway. “Your evil drugs did this to me.”

“I’ll report your complaint to the customer service department.” He chuckled, grabbing me by the arm to help stabilize me.

I’d never had a brother—or a sister, for that matter—but in that moment, I kind of felt like I had both. All I’d wanted to do was to come inside and pee, but somehow, I’d ended up bonding with two complete strangers in the most amazing way.

Just before we went outside, Jason pulled an elegant-looking card out of his wallet and handed it to me. “Hey, I have people over every Sunday to watch football and The Sopranos. It’s usually an all-day thing. You and your boyfriend should come.”

I took the business card and studied it. Jason Priest, Information Technology Specialist, 770-555-8730. Slate gray with embossed white font. Very nice.

Looking up at him with my other hand poised on the door handle, I said, “One question: do we have to wear khakis to this shindig?”

Jason smiled. “No. Chinos are also acceptable.”

Stepping from the house to the yard was like going from heaven to hell all over again; only this time, hell was outside, in the form of fire. The band had finished playing, the sun had completely set, and everyone was engaged in some kind of fire play. The bonfire was now at least ten feet tall, licking at the dried leaves on the early-autumn trees. A few people were twirling flaming sticks like batons, and Steven was standing—barefoot—at one end of an eight-foot-long bed of hot coals.

“Fuck yeah!”

“You got this, man!”

“Do that shit!”

“Go! Go! Go! Go!”

Steven had a cheering section that consisted of most of the Phantom Limb guys, at least a dozen black-lipstick-wearing regulars whose names I’d never bothered to learn, and Goth Girl, who was also barefoot and raring to go.

Before I could go get the garden hose, Steven howled at the moon like a werewolf and took off. I grabbed Jason’s arm and watched in horror as Steven’s feet lifted and sank, one after the other, into the glowing orange coals. I readied myself to run back into the house and call 911 as soon as it was over, but much to my surprise, Steven seemed okay. He kind of danced around and rubbed his feet in the grass, but he still had feet, and he wasn’t screaming, so that was good.

Everyone else was screaming though. Holy shit. Walking over hot coals was a real crowd pleaser.

Especially when the entire crowd was high on ecstasy.

I let go of Jason’s arm and clasped my hands over my mouth. “Did you just see that shit?”

Jason looked at me with wide eyes. “I’m doing it.”

“No! What?”

Jason chugged the rest of his beer, kicked off his loafers and socks right there on the patio, and sprinted over to get in line.

Fucking men. Always trying to prove how big their balls are.

Speaking of men, there was one in the crowd who I knew for a fact didn’t have shit to prove to anybody. When you’re the tallest, most beautiful male at the party and your nickname literally refers to the size of your massive cock, you get to take an automatic pass in the pissing contests.

I scanned the crowd gathering around the hot coals, looking for a handsome dark head sticking up above the rest, but I didn’t see him. I glanced over at the two flaming baton twirlers. Nope. No Hans.

Then, I found him. He was sitting in a lawn chair, our lawn chair, but he wasn’t alone. A girl with frizzy brown hair was standing in front of him, excitedly moving her arms in an attempt to regain his attention. But Hans was nothing if not distractible, and at that moment, his entire focus was on me.

Warmth radiated from my chest throughout my extremities as I drank in the sight of him. Hans was almost a shadow with his faded black jeans, black Converse, black Phantom Limb hoodie—which I couldn’t wait to steal—and wild black hair, but his aura was red, red, red.

Like his bass, I thought as I crossed the yard. Like the roses he’s always surprising me with. Red like his heart.

Once I got closer, I realized that Hans’s aura wasn’t red for romance at all.

It was red for rage.

It radiated off of him with every heave of his chest, mirroring the flames rising from the wreckage behind him. As I approached, my pace slowed. My senses went on high alert. What had I missed? What was wrong? I hated that my brain wasn’t operating at full capacity. I wished Jason had a pill in his pocket that would make me sober again so that I could assess the situation better.

“Hey, baby. You okay?” I asked, my eyes flicking back and forth between Hans and the girl with the unfortunate hair.

Was she upsetting him? She looked as confused as I was, her black lips pulled down into a frown, so I didn’t think so.

Hans was backlit by the bonfire, but there was enough ambient light coming from the house for me to see the outline of his jaw flexing as he ground his back teeth together.

“You missed it,” he spat.

“Missed what?”

Hans stood up abruptly, causing the collapsible aluminum chair he’d been sitting in to fall over backward, and jerked a hand in the direction of the patio. “The whole fucking show.”

My heart seized in my chest as the weight of Hans’s words sank in.

He was mad because of me.

The frizzy-haired girl graciously tiptoed away as I struggled to breathe. It had never even occurred to me that Hans was waiting for me. The thought of him spending his entire performance searching the audience for me made me nauseous.

“Hans…”

“You didn’t come outside for one fucking song.” The hurt broke through the anger, causing his voice to shudder at the end.

“I’m so sorry. I was taking care of Maddie. When I went inside—”

“Maddie? That’s who you were inside with? Because I saw who you came out with, and it definitely wasn’t a six-year-old girl.”

My head was spinning. There were so many thoughts flying around in my scattered brain, but I couldn’t reach out and grab just one. I’d grab like four and drop them all before one could even make it out of my mouth. “Hans, please…it’s not like…Maddie was…I wasn’t…”

“Who is he?” Hans asked, glaring at me in the dark.

“Who?”

“Whoever the fuck you were hanging all over when you came outside.” Hans gestured toward the patio again.

I closed my eyes to block out the look on Hans’s face. I never wanted to see it again. The accusation. The anger. Hans and I were joined, had been since before we met, and the drugs only intensified that bond. If he was happy, I was euphoric. If he was in pain, I was in agony.

I couldn’t think out there with the blazing inferno and fire walkers and fire twirlers and two-dozen screaming goth kids all vying for my attention in the background. I put my hands over my ears, kept my eyes shut tight, and shook my head in frustration. I focused on the words swirling around in my head and spat them out before something had the chance to distract me again. “I’m sorry! I’m fucked up, okay? I was taking care of Maddie, and I didn’t think you would miss me with all these people here. Jason is just a friend. He invited us to watch The Sopranos. He said we have to wear khakis or chinos. I don’t even know what chinos are! And now you’re mad at me and people are walking on hot coals and I don’t know what the fuck happened, but I just want us to be happy again.”

I could hear Hans talking, but I couldn’t make out what he was saying with my ears covered and the extreme noise in the background. I felt his fingers, rough yet gentle, wrap around my wrists and slowly pull my hands away from my head. I opened my eyes, reluctantly, as the screaming and cheering and music and laughter and snap, crackle, pop of the fire came flooding back in. Hans was crouched down in front of me, pupils like inky-black oceans, awash in regret.

“Stop it. I’m sorry, okay? I just…freaked out. As soon as you left…this horrible feeling came over me. Like dread. I felt like everyone was laughing at me while I was playing. And I couldn’t find you. And then I worried that something had happened to you, but I couldn’t get to you because I was stuck out there, playing music for people I don’t even fucking like. People who were laughing at me. And I got so fucking pissed off, I wanted to bash all their faces in with my bass.”

I wrapped my arms around Hans’s neck and burst out laughing.

“What?” he snapped.

“You wanted to bash their faces in?”

“God, yes. I just got so fucking paranoid and pissed off.”

“Your brain is on backward!” I giggled. “You drink coffee to calm down, you focus better when you’re high, and you’re the only person I know who hates everyone after taking ecstasy!”

Hans grinned and pressed his forehead against mine. “I don’t hate you.”

Something shifted in the atmosphere around us. Molecules quickened. Particles merged.

“You don’t?” I cooed.

Hans shook his head slowly from side to side, causing mine to turn with it. “I worship you.”

My body melted and slid to the ground, leaving Hans with nothing but my soul to hold on to.

My soul and my lips.

I kissed away the darkness. The doubts and the fears. I kissed Hans until I couldn’t tell where he ended and I began. I kissed him until I felt the corners of his mouth curl up in joy. And once I knew I had him back, I took him by the hand and led him to bed.