I could feel Ken’s eyes on my back and Hans’s on my front as I crossed the expanse from one man to the other. I was usually overjoyed to see Hans, but something in his posture, in his hollow cheeks and sunken eyes, something in the flex of his jaw and the straight line of his mouth told me that this would not be a happy homecoming.

“Hey, baby,” I said, full of false cheer as I approached.

Once I got close enough, I could see that he was still wearing his eyeliner and stage clothes from the night before. Hans hadn’t come home; LDH had, and he’d clearly been partying like a rock star.

“Who the fuck is that?” Hans snapped, his bloodshot eyes flaring as they looked past me toward Jason’s building.

“Just a friend.” I smiled and held up my flash cards. “I needed a study buddy for this test—”

“Oh, you got all kinds of new friends, huh?” Hans’s words were acidic.

He cocked his head to one side and narrowed his eyes at me, daring me to take the bait. Motherfucker was looking for a fight, but he wasn’t going to get it out there in the parking lot.

I grabbed Hans’s arm, which was completely bare despite the November chill in the air, and hauled his ass inside the apartment. I didn’t look back at Ken as I closed the door behind us and locked the dead bolt.

I didn’t want him to see my fear.

“It’s nice to see you too,” I quipped, trying to sound more annoyed than anxious.

I flipped on the light above the stairs and watched Hans recoil like a vampire in the sun. I hated this version of him. Still in LDH mode, coming down off the high of performing and the high of whatever he’d taken that kept him up all night after performing.

I headed up the stairs, trying to get some distance from him.

“I know about Jason.” His words were sharp. They stuck in my back like porcupine quills as I continued up the stairs.

“What about Jason?” I asked flippantly, crossing the living room to turn on the lamp.

“Don’t give me that bullshit! Victoria told me you’ve been hanging out with him behind my back, and I just saw you leaving his fucking house!”

I continued making my way through the tiny living area without giving Hans a second glance. “It’s not like that,” I said, flipping on the dining room light with a shaking hand. “He’s our neighbor.” I walked into the kitchen and turned on the harsh fluorescent bulbs. “He’s the only person I know in this complex, and he has people over every Sunday. If you were ever home, you could come with me.”

I realized my mistake a moment too late. By walking into the kitchen, I’d painted myself into a corner. Hans was now standing in the doorway behind me, blocking my exit.

I knew he would never hurt me. At least, my brain did, but my nerves and heart and muscles and lungs remembered other fights, terrifying fights, with a very different boyfriend. They told me I wasn’t safe. They told me to run.

“Are you fucking him?” My gorgeous, high-contrast boy was now more black-and-white than ever. His skin was pale from weeks spent sleeping during the day and partying all night. His black beard scruff shadowed the hollows of his cheeks. His black eyebrows were pulled down into a V. And his black pupils were still swollen from whatever the fuck he’d been pumping into his bloodstream all weekend.

“No!” I yelled, taking a step farther back into the kitchen. “Why the fuck would you even ask me that?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because you’ve been spending every weekend with him while I’m out working my ass off and fucking lying to me about it!”

“No, I spend Sunday afternoons with a group of people that just happens to include Jason, and I didn’t tell you about it because I knew you’d act like a jealous…fucking… asshole!” My words were aggressive, but my posture was anything but.

I backed up again, bumping into the wall at the end of our skinny kitchen. My heart was pounding in my chest as the tunnel vision of a panic attack began to cloud the edges of my awareness. I could feel myself beginning to hyperventilate. My eyes darted left and right as Hans approached, looking for a way out. Looking for a weapon.

I considered jumping over the counter into the living room, but Hans would catch me pretty easily. I considered trying to dart through the opening next to him, but those long arms would snatch me in an instant. So, instead, I pulled the biggest kitchen knife we owned out of the wooden block on the counter to my left and held it in front of me like a sword.

“Stay back!” I screamed, unable to catch my breath.

There would be no snapping of fingers. No invisible Stop sign in my mind to save me. I was too far down the rabbit hole. In my history, fights like those ended in bruises and bloodshed and humiliation. I had to protect myself. No one would save me.

No one ever saved me.

Hans froze where he stood in the center of the kitchen and held his hands up. “Jesus, BB! What the fuck?”

Between gasps of air, I pleaded, “Just…stay back. Please.”

“Baby, I’m not gonna hurt you.” Hans took one hesitant step closer, holding his hand out as if he were trying to earn the trust of a frightened animal.

“Stay the fuck back!” I pointed the knife at him, now violently shaking in my puny grasp.

I hadn’t touched him, but Hans looked wounded nonetheless. His mouth fell open as if I’d just stabbed him in the gut. His hands hung, lifeless at his sides. And his eyebrows lifted in an expression of pain and remorse.

“I didn’t mean to scare you.” His voice was quiet and sincere.

I didn’t answer, just watched his every move with stinging, tear-filled eyes as my chest heaved and my body jerked.

Hans spread his arms, leaving himself open and vulnerable. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry. I just…I can’t lose you.”

I lowered the knife and concentrated on trying to slow down my breathing. My heart rate. My racing thoughts.

“I love you so fucking much,” Hans continued, taking another hesitant step toward me. “It kills me to be away from you. I live in constant fear that you’re gonna find somebody else while I’m gone. You’re so beautiful, and smart”—Hans looked down at the knife dangling in my hand—“and strong. Why would you sit around and wait for me?”

“I’m not strong,” I admitted with a sniffle. “I’m fucking scared.”

I’m scared to be here by myself.

I’m scared of the dark.

I’m scared to lose you.

I’m scared I already have.

Hans took another step toward me and held out his hand in a silent request. I wasn’t sure what he wanted, so I gave him my free hand.

The knife I kept.

Hans lifted my knuckles to his pale, chapped lips and gave them a gentle kiss. “I’m sorry I scared you,” he said. “C’mere. I missed you so much.”

I closed my eyes and let Hans pull me flush against his chest. His arms circled my body. His chin rested on top of my head. It was the second hug I’d received from a man that night, but it felt nothing like the first.

Ken’s embrace had fed me.

Hans’s drank me dry.