Caden
Dear Rose,
At first, I didn’t understand why you wouldn’t let me tell you the truth last night. Why you didn’t want to yell and scream and cry at me for what I’ve done. Because I’ve done you wrong and you know it. Maybe not personally, though I have to admit, my lack of using a condom not just once but multiple times is incredibly stupid and you should hate me for that alone. I hate me for it.
But for whatever reason you don’t and I’m not sure why. I know I don’t deserve you. I’m not worthy of you. You’ve told me before you hate it when I say that but it’s true. I’m not a good person. You make me want to be good, just for you, but I know that’s not enough. I’ve made too many mistakes in my life and I don’t think you could ever forgive me for them. Ever see me as the man I want you to see. The one who cares about you and would never hurt you.
I’m too lost to be saved for you, Ro. I hate that. But I have to be straight with you.
Whatever Violet and Ryder told you … it’s the truth. I’m a thief. When we first met, yes, I saw you, a beautiful woman, but what really drew me to you was that damn necklace. The Poppy Necklace. I had plans to steal it that night.
But then I met you. And you changed … everything.
That’s what I do, you see. I steal, mostly jewelry, though when I first started out, I was a pickpocket. It all came about when I was fifteen and realized that we had no more money. My mom had zero skills and couldn’t work, besides the fact that she was a nervous wreck and on all sorts of medication. What my father did wrecked her completely. I hate him for that.
I hate myself for what I’ve become.
Stealing wallets soon became too risky and the payout wasn’t worth the risk, so I changed my strategy. The person who gave me the idea? Your sister Lily.
I feel like shit for taking those earrings. Did she ever mention that to you? That her earrings were stolen? I took advantage of her when she was drunk and pulled the diamonds right out of her ears. It was so easy. Too easy. I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt for doing that. More like I got a thrill. After that I was hooked.
My mother doesn’t know how I get the money to take care of her. At least, I’ve never told her. It’s easier that way and she can believe whatever she wants. I don’t want to break her heart. It’s already destroyed enough over what my father did to her. She needs me. Without me, she would have nothing. I don’t know what would happen to her. So I keep it my secret. My burden to bear, that I’ve just shared with you.
But it’s not your burden and I don’t want to become your burden, either. You deserve more. You deserve happiness, and though I firmly believe that we shared something special these last weeks and that I made you happy, it would’ve been a temporary thing. You would’ve become disillusioned and eventually you’d grow to hate me. I hate me, so how can I expect you to forgive my sins?
I took the necklace, Ro. I found it in the safe in the closet and I kept it in my duffel bag for days, over a week, and you never noticed. I felt like such shit. I still do. But in the end I didn’t take it. I just put it back in the safe. Keep it close. People want it. Private collectors who would love to add it to their collection. You need to keep it in a safe place, baby.
I hate that I was so weak and that I took it. That I was even tempted … kills me. I hope you can forgive me someday.
I’m also weak because I can’t admit any of this to you to your face so I leave you a letter on shitty hotel stationery, written with the equally shitty hotel pen. You’re sleeping peacefully and I didn’t want to wake you. You look so beautiful lying there naked with just the sheet covering you. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is walk away from you.
I have to, though. It’s for the best, revealing everything here in this letter. I probably couldn’t have got the words out if we talked. And I didn’t want to see the look on your pretty face. I didn’t want to hear your angry, ugly words. You would’ve been justified in saying it all to me, but I can’t stand the thought of our last moments together being so fucking awful.
That’s probably why you did what you did. Why you told me you didn’t want to hear my side of the story. Deep down, you know the truth. Why wreck what we shared when we can walk away and never see each other again?
It kills me, though. The thought of never seeing you. I’ll miss your smile. Your laugh. The way you say my name just before you come, the way you kiss me and hold me, the scent of your skin and the taste of your tongue. I’ll miss the late-night talks and the showers we took together and going out for coffee, and I’ll even miss the White Swan. I’ll miss your friends and your sister and Ryder, though they probably hate me now.
Because for that one fleeting moment, for every one of those moments I spent with you, I felt like I belonged. Like I had friends and a girlfriend and an honest life. I felt like people really liked me for me, and not because they thought I was rich or that I belonged to their social clique or whatever the fuck.
You taught me how to be real, Rose. And open. You taught me how to appreciate life and appreciate a woman who wants nothing more than to take care of me. Who likes me. Who might even … love me.
You stole my heart, Ro. I may be the professional, but with us, you’re the thief. You reached right into my chest and took my heart like it fully belonged to you. And I think it does. I don’t know who else deserves it, though really, you shouldn’t want it. I can only bring you pain.
I hate that. But I love you. I do. I fell in love with you and I didn’t even realize it until today, though really I think I secretly knew it all along. You make me feel like no one else ever has, so all I can say is thank you.
Thank you for teaching me how to love.
xoxo
Caden