Chapter Eleven
Luke
“You know, if you wanted attention, you could’ve got a mohawk or something. No sense throwing yourself off a roof,” Scarlet teases on Friday when she takes me to breakfast.
The good thing about being off work with a broken leg is I have plenty of time for socializing.
The bad thing is I can’t drive, and I have to depend on my crazy sister to get me around.
We pull into the Waffle Hut, and I limp into the restaurant on my crutches, Scarlet joking about racing me and all that.
“You’re not really helping things,” I complain when we get inside, me completely out of breath as a kind waitress leads us to the booth closest to the door.
“Oh, and when I broke my nose in seventh grade, you were nothing but kind.”
“Okay, that was different.”
“Yeah. I was a poor, defenseless preteen with confidence issues and you took advantage. You’re just an idiot who fell from a roof.”
“Thanks for your sympathy.”
“Anytime. Now, question. When are you going to get it together, big brother? Because right now, falling from the roof seems to be the least of your problems. You’re falling apart.”
“Again, your kindness is overwhelming.”
When the waitress comes, we both order coffees and put in orders for chocolate-chip waffles, our mutual favorite.
“Seriously, all jokes aside, I’m worried about you. You haven’t been the same since… well, you know.”
“I know. It sucks. I miss her. I want to man up and pretend it doesn’t matter, pretend I can just go out and find someone new, but I just can’t. She was everything to me.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“You’re going to anyway,” I say, and she shrugs.
“True. Why did you let her go, then, if you love her so much?”
I shake my head, averting my eyes. “Because I knew she needed more. It was becoming clear to me that I couldn’t be what she needed.”
“Why not?”
I look her in the eyes, raising an eyebrow. “Are you crazy? You know why.”
“No. I know what you’re blaming. But really, Luke? Is that what made you walk away and be miserable? Was it worth it?”
“I don’t know, Scarlet. But I knew I couldn’t give her what she needed. She made it clear she couldn’t settle for less.”
“But why couldn’t you give it to her?”
Now, anger starts to bubble. The feelings of inadequacy fester. “You know why, Scarlet. You know I can’t promise her that.”
“Luke, you’re not him.”
“You and I both know how similar we are. The music, the hair. Hell, even Mom knew it. After he left, she could barely stand to be around me because I was so much like him.”
“But Dad wasn’t all bad. You’re the good of him.”
“We don’t know that.”
“You wouldn’t do what he did,” Scarlet says, reaching for my hand. I soften at her touch.
“We don’t know that. In his position, hell, maybe I would. And I won’t risk that. I won’t risk doing that to Lila or to a kid. I’m not dad material, and I never will be.”
“But with Lila, you could be,” she says softly.
“I won’t take that risk. I won’t hurt a kid the way Dad hurt us, and I won’t risk it with Lila.”
“Did you tell her all this? Does she know why you feel the way you do?”
“She knows the story about Dad. She’s smart, Scarlet.”
“But sometimes in love, it’s not that easy to see. Maybe she’s reading your hesitancy differently.”
“Well, it doesn’t matter,” I say as the waitress sets our coffees in front of us. Scarlet stirs in some half-and-half while I warm my hand on the mug. “It’s over. I can’t give Lila what she wants, and I can’t ask her to settle for less. She deserves a stable man, a family man. I don’t want to risk the idea I won’t be that for her. She wants stability and promises I can’t give.”
“Because you’re scared.”
“Because I’m realistic. I’ve seen what marriage does to people.”
“But look at me. I’m happy,” Scarlet observes.
“You’re just a freak,” I say, smiling now.
“Luke, I’m just saying that you ended such a good thing based on fears of the future. Are you happy though?”
“It’s not about my happiness.”
“Which is exactly my point. The fact you’re willing to walk away out of fear of hurting her shows that you’re not Dad. You’re not him.”
I sigh, watching as the waitress carries our waffles out. I want to believe Scarlet. I wanted to believe this idea when Lila and I were having those conversations that would eventually lead me to here. I wanted to believe it when we officially ended it, when we were boxing up the life we’d shared. I wanted nothing more than to give Lila exactly what she was silently asking for. I wanted to assure her and myself that forever could work, and that we could start a family together.
I wanted to give Lila the life she deserved.
But as much as I wanted to turn around and promise forever to her, I couldn’t.
Because as much as I want to believe I’m not my dad, the selfless prick who up and left all those years ago, leaving a scar on my mom, my sister, and most of all, me, I can’t believe it. When I look in the mirror, I see him looking back. I see the wandering musician rooted in my soul. I see the need for fame, and I see the pull of the stage. I see the man who walked away at the lure of another woman, who didn’t look back to serve his selfish lusts.
I see a man who isn’t the picture-perfect, stable man a woman needs, a child needs.
I see Luke Bowman, the rebellious, rambling man who settled down for a while but probably can’t settle down forever.
In her eyes, I saw forever… but in the mirror, I see a man who couldn’t possibly get it right. I see a man too afraid to mess up because he knew what that felt like.
Now, looking into my coffee cup before I drown out the musings, I see Luke Bowman, the man who walked away from the love of his life because he couldn’t get the courage to promise her what she needed.