Chapter Thirty
Lila
“Hey, you,” Oliver says, pulling me in for a kiss at the door of my apartment.
“Oliver, I didn’t think you’d be back so soon,” I say, truly shocked. I’m standing in sweatpants and my college T-shirt, my hair a disaster. Oliver wasn’t supposed to be back until New Year’s Eve.
“I just, damn I missed you.” He heads into my apartment, jauntily strolling toward the sofa.
I stand at the door, still trying to overcome the shock of the sight of him. It’s the day after Christmas, and I’m not ready for this.
I spent yesterday thinking about everything—thinking about what I need to do, about where I need to go from here.
And I know what I need to do. I just didn’t think I’d be doing it so soon.
“Come, sit, tell me about your Christmas. How was it? Did you miss me?”
I smile, taking in Oliver’s enthusiasm.
Over the past couple of months, we’ve gotten to know each other more than just from work. We’ve gotten to see what we could be together, and I’ve liked it. I really have.
But talking to Maren yesterday and in our subsequent conversations at Mom’s house, I’ve come to realize one thing.
I’m happy. But Maren’s right—it’s surface-level happy. Because my true happiness has already been reserved for someone else. Whether or not we’re going to be okay or make it, I can’t string Oliver along. I can’t keep pretending I’m over Luke, that I’m ready to be with Oliver completely.
“My holiday was good. But, listen, I need to tell you something.”
He hushes me, putting a finger to my lips. “Me first,” he says, and my stomach sinks.
“Listen, I know it’s only been a couple of months, but being away from you over the holiday, it made me realize something I’ve known from the first time I saw you. I know you want to take this slow, and I know things are… complicated for you. But Lila, when I’m with you, nothing else matters but you. We’re so good together. We’re like this dream team of go-getters. We’re good together. We’re unstoppable. Lila, I love you.”
I feel my mouth actually fall open. This was not how I envisioned this conversation to go.
“Oliver, I—”
He cuts me off. “You don’t have to say it back. I just, damn, I needed you to know. I needed to tell you how I feel, and I needed it to be in person. It’s why I cut my trip short. I realized I couldn’t let the new year come along without you knowing how I feel.”
I sigh. This is going to be harder than I thought. I feel the tears well because, in all honesty, I do care about Oliver.
It’s just not enough. Why is it never enough?
“Oliver, the thing is, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking too. And you’re right. Things are complicated for me. I want you to know that these past couple of months have been so great. You’re an amazing man, and I felt myself falling for you. But, the thing is, I can’t do this anymore. As much as I want to say I love you back, as much as I want this to work, it can’t. My heart is still scarred, and the thing is, I think it always will be. I think I’ve already found my forever, even if it doesn’t work out. I think I’ve found the one and only for me, and I just don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon. I’m sorry.”
Oliver stares at me, the silence between us deafening. Finally, after a long, slow breath, he speaks up. “Lila, I know you’re not over the past. But I can wait. I love you.”
“That’s the thing, Oliver. It’s not fair. You shouldn’t want to wait because I’m clearly not ready to move on.”
He stares at me for another long moment. “Was I just a rebound?”
I bite my lip. I want to say hell no, which is what I’ve been telling myself all along. But I also know he deserves the truth. Tears start to fall. “I don’t know, Oliver. I don’t know. I just know I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you.”
“It’s fine,” he says, but it’s clearly not. He stands up, wiping his hands as if he’s wiping them clean of me. “Merry Christmas,” he says.
I want to say it’s not Christmas, but I don’t. I’m an asshole, it’s true, but not that big of one.
He stomps across my tiny apartment, stepping over Henry who has slept through this whole torturous encounter, and slams my door so hard a picture falls to the ground.
Tears fall uncontrollably, and my vision is blurry. I know I did the right thing. But why does love make the right thing feel so bad sometimes? When is love going to get good again?
I sit for a long time in my misery, tears falling freely, feeling like shit.
Finally, it comes to me what I need to do.
I grab my bag and Henry’s leash, and I go to do what I do best when I’m struggling with life.
***
“Three peanut-butter doughnuts, coming right up,” Dot says, giving me a squeeze as she sets down the order for me and grabs a seat across from me. “I’m glad you’re back.”
I smile through the sadness and smudged mascara. “I was just in last week.”
“I mean I’m glad the peanut-butter doughnut girl is back. I’m glad the real Lila is back.”
I’ve already filled in Dot on everything—the breakup, the Luke Christmas situation, everything.
“I just feel so lost, Dot, you know?” I ask, taking a bite of a doughnut as Dot helps herself to the one usually claimed by Luke.
“I know. But you’re on the way to finding yourself, I do think. It’s a new year coming up. It’s a chance to start over, you know? Get what you want this year, Lila.”
“I think that it might be too late.”
“You kids, never listening. It’s not too late. It’s never too late.”
We sit and talk for a while about Oliver, Luke, Henry, and Dot’s grandkids. We talk like old friends, which we are.
When I’m getting ready to leave, I turn to Dot and smile. “Thank you. Thank you for being such a good friend.”
“Honey, you haven’t seen anything yet,” she says, winking at me. I’m not sure what that wink could possibly mean, and I’m not sure if I want to find out.