Chapter 24

Joss, curled up by the fire, was thrilled the gang was together again. Charlie was by her side, obviously as happy as she was. They had fared well while they’d been apart, but the truth was, life on the island was just better when they were together. The energy around the fire was upbeat, playful even, as they caught up with each other and shared stories. Joss couldn’t stop smiling. As frustrating as it was that they’d come home with nothing positive to share, they all remained confident. They were together, she thought, they had their health, and the island was providing everything they needed. Until rescue came, they would continue to thrive, if she had any say in it. She wouldn’t ever let her boys down.

“So how much time did you spend searching the coastline?” Grant asked casually, directing his comment to Daniel. Aside from the occasional glance, Grant seemed to be avoiding her again. She couldn’t help but wonder if her absence had made him take a step back.

“Once we got to the north beach we hiked up the ridge a couple times day and scoped the area for 2-3 hours. It gave us the broadest view of the ocean. We made sure to go at different times, just to be safe. We never saw a thing,” Daniel explained, keeping his tone light.

“It was definitely a better vantage point, the north side, and it seemed to offer better resources,” Ryan interjected. “We could practically pull the fish out of the lagoon with our bare hands.”

“Is that right?” Willie asked, looking up from the fire, suddenly interested.

“Yes, and there was a fresh water source only a five minute walk from camp,” Ryan continued. “It might be worth considering a move.”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” Charlie chuckled, not crazy about moving their existing camp, especially by raft.

“Seriously mate, Ryan is right. If you saw the location, I think you’d agree. It’s amazing, right, Joss?”

Joss looked at them, all of them waiting for her reply.

“I have to admit, it was a pretty special spot,” she sighed, recalling the days they had spent there, as well as their very hot nights. “It would be a lot of effort to get us there though, moving all of our supplies. And what about the plane?”

“She’s not going anywhere, I’m afraid,” Grant chimed in, “and I can’t leave her behind. I know she’s a wreck, but she’s my wreck.”

“We don’t need to think about that right now, do we?” Charles insisted quietly, squeezing Joss’ hand for support. “Our camp is not bad and we still have plenty of resources, although I do admit, it would be nice having potable water closer to home. It’s such a pain in the ass hauling it back for miles, and those condoms are not going to hold up much longer. We already lost one this week.”

“That’s true,” Joss agreed. They’d be lucky if they got another week with what was left. As handy as they were, condoms weren’t meant to transport gallons of water. “Thankfully we still have plenty of water bottles. I know it’s not as efficient to carry them on our backs, but we’re not destitute. Plastic will last a thousand years, and there is always more washing up on shore everyday.”

“Yes, thank god for ocean garbage,” Ryan laughed, tossing a branch on the fire.

“I don’t think we need to move camp, but at least we know that if we had to, we’d have somewhere to go. It is beautiful,” she concluded, meeting Charlie’s eyes, hoping to reassure him. “Hopefully we’ll be rescued long before that happens.”

“Seems so strange, doesn’t it?” Willie chimed in, his voice thick with melancholy. It was so rare for him to share his observations that when he spoke, he always got their attention. This time was no different.

“What seems strange Willie?” Charles asked curiously.

“We’ve been on this island for almost six weeks and all of us seem content. You’d think we’d be full of anxiety, desperate to be home, and yet here we are, happy as can be. Am I the only one who wonders why that is?” They looked at one another, considering his words, none of them chiming in to dispute him. He continued, a crooked smile forming on his face, “I mean sure, there are probably things were missing about home, but does anyone miss their life? The way it was before that fateful day we all got on Grant’s plane?”

Joss looked down and shrugged, considering her life at home. No, she had nothing to really look forward to once they were rescued. Sure, she loved her job, but everything that made her happy about that was just as fulfilling on the island, maybe more so. She looked around at the others, contemplative looks on their faces. It was quiet for a few minutes, all of them thinking about their lives.

“Well I’m not gonna lie, I miss steak. I could go for a medium rare porterhouse, a dollop of butter melting over the top, with a side of garlic mashed potatoes,” Ryan offered puckishly, breaking the silence. “Oh and toilet paper...”

“What, you have something against rat on the barbie?” Grant said, making the others chuckle.

Ryan rolled his eyes, “Dude, who doesn’t have something against that.”

“Well on that note, I think I’m going to bed,” Joss said, standing up. She was completely exhausted. “But just so you know, Willie, I’ve wondered that too. I can’t speak for anyone else, but for the first time in a long while, I’m happy. I know it sounds stupid but I feel like I’ve already been rescued, like our little island is home. I feel more whole here than anywhere else I’ve ever been.”

They looked at her thoughtfully as she made her way around the fire, stopping to kiss each one goodnight, tears pooling in her eyes. She stopped in front of Grant, hesitating, wondering if he would accept her kiss. He smiled at her, reaching for her hand, and gently pulled her in for a kiss, his lips softly brushing her cheek, dispelling any concerns she had about him.

* * *

They’d been back from north beach nearly two weeks and the weather had been amazing. Given their circumstances, life was good. They were happy. They had easily replenished their supplies and had even added on to their shelter, making it larger and sturdier, in anticipation for the upcoming rainy season. It was a still a few months away, but they wanted to be prepared, just in case. It was no fun being cramped up in a tiny shelter when it rained, and if they still happened to be there, they thought it best to fortify their home. As well, the long rainy season could make it hard for them to forage, so preserving whatever food they could was imperative.

Joss and Grant were alone at camp, waiting for the others to return from the watering hole. Because they were down to their final condom for transporting water, the guys had to take all the empty bottles with them, just to ensure they would have enough water for two or three days. It was heavy work and was no longer a two-person job. To keep things fair, they’d devised a rotating schedule and it was Joss and Grant’s turn to stay behind at camp.

They had spent the early part of the morning at the lagoon, searching for clams, crabs and sea urchins. It never ceased to amaze her, the abundance that came from the sea. They had found plenty for their supper and maybe even breakfast the next morning. Once they completed the task, Joss took her laundry down to the beach. She scrubbed her clothes with rocks and rinsed them in the ocean, a time consuming and difficult process. She would have given anything for a washing machine and promised that if she ever had one again she would never take it for granted. Her delicate underwear were not holding up well, falling apart little by little. Soon she wouldn’t have any panties left and would have to either go without, or make herself a loin cloth.

Grant was in the shelter when she got back. He’d cleaned up around camp and was looking for relief from the mid-day sun. She hung up her clothes to dry, then stepped into the shelter to see him, ducking under the low hanging palm leaves. Grant sat up when he saw her, a smile on his face.

“Were you napping?” Joss asked, shimmying over to sit near him.

“No, no. I was just thinking.”

“What were you thinking about? What’s on your mind?” she asked, taking a small sip of water from the bottle he’d handed her.

“I don’t know really,” he drawled, raising a brow. Joss knew him well enough to know that with a little coaxing he’d spill the beans. They had developed quite the dance, the two of them, and Joss was now intimately familiar with his rhythms. She knew exactly where to place her feet, when to spin, and the exact moment to dip. And he knew that she knew.

“Mind if I catch some shade with you for a few minutes?” she asked, snuggling up beside him.

He raised an arm, inviting her to tuck in under it, and rest her head on his chest. They did that a lot, the two of them, cuddling and talking for hours. She loved her relationship with Grant. It was deeply intimate, protective, and honest. The only thing missing was sex. It wasn’t that they weren’t attracted to each other in that way, quite the contrary. There was something curiously erotic about not having sex with Grant, infinitely arousing. She knew on some level that he loved her, not because he’d said it but because of the way he made her feel. She didn’t want to pressure him, she didn’t need to, but she’d be lying if she said she didn’t fantasize about making love with him.

“So tell me what you were thinking about, and don’t say you don’t know,” she urged, her smile turning up the side of her mouth. He looked down at her curiously, searching every inch of her face. It was those looks, just like that, that made her wonder why he’d never kissed her. It was one of those sexy looks that could completely unglue her.

“I was just thinking about you, honestly,” he said, brushing her hair out of her eyes.

“Me? Really?”

“Uh-huh.”

“What about me?” She asked curiously, raising her head to see him better.

He chuckled softly, gently pressing her head back down against his chest with a strong hand. “Nothing bad, I promise. I was just thinking about how glad I am that I met you. All of you, really, but in particular you.”

“That’s a nice thing to say. What made you think about that?” she asked quietly, her arms holding him a little tighter. She couldn’t help but be moved.

“I’m just happy, girly. That’s all. You make me happy.”

“I do, huh?” she pressed playfully. “How exactly do I do that?”

“You just make me feel loved, is all. I don’t have a damn thing holding me back anymore. It just feels good, you know?” he admitted, looking down at her again. She nodded, but couldn’t help but wonder if he meant what he said. She felt like he was still holding back on some level, otherwise why hadn’t he kissed her? She sensed he wanted to. Didn’t he?

“What is it?” he asked, raising her chin with his fingers. “You look confused?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to.”

“Well that’s one thing you can’t seem to control, Joss ... your face gives away every feeling you have. It’s one of the things I adore about you,” he teased, chuckling softly.

“I hate it,” she pouted playfully.

“I love it, I know exactly what you’re thinking at all times.”

“I wish I could say the same for you, Grant. I wish I knew what you were thinking. You’re so carefully guarded.”

“Am I?” he laughed softly, knowing full well she was right. His words were followed by a moment of silence before he asked again, “so what did I say that upset you?”

“No, I’m not upset, just confused.”

“About what?”

She sat up, crossing her legs beneath her. There were so many things she needed clarity on, questions she needed an answer to, and maybe the timing was right. She had to try, she thought, searching his eyes. He smiled at her sweetly, encouraging her to speak.

“I know that you’ve come a long way, we both have, and I know you said you don’t have anything holding you back, but I’m not sure that’s true...” she hedged, anxiously searching for the right words.

“How so?”

“I feel so close to you, like really close...,” she continued, pausing to gather her thoughts, “and I know that you feel the same...”

He nodded his head, his eyes dropping to the ground, as if he knew exactly where she was going. She paused again to see if he would let her off the hook. He didn’t.

“I have really strong feelings for you, Grant. I feel like at times I’ve made it pretty clear how much I want to kiss you, to touch you, to be with you...”

“You have, Joss, I know,” he sighed, reaching for her hand. He gently rubbed her knuckles, stalling while he gathered his own thoughts. She patiently waited for him to get where he needed to be. He looked up at her and smiled. “I’m falling for you too.”

“Then why?” she asked, leaning in towards him, her eyes begging for an answer.

“I don’t know,” he whispered.

“You do.”

He slowly exhaled, as though afraid to speak his truth, pausing for a really long time. Joss pulled back, suddenly wondering if she was ready for the truth after all.

“Joss, I don’t think I can be intimate with you. Not here, not like this,” he confessed, his eyes asking her to understand.

“What do you mean? Not on the island? Not like what?”

“Like this, with the others. Charlie, Ryan, Willie, Daniel...I know they love you, Joss, that you have a special bond with each of them. I get it, I do. I just can’t...”

Joss leaned away, her mind trying to grasp his words. She raised her eyes to his, trying to hide her confusion, her guilt. She didn’t blame him. The truth was, she still struggled with it herself, the separate relationships, the physical connections, the love. It scared her to death sometimes, how attached she was to all of them. She couldn’t imagine her life without any one of them, even Grant. But he didn’t want her.

“Please don’t be hurt, Joss,” he begged, reaching out for her. He took her hands in his, forcing her to meet his eyes. “It’s not you. You’re not doing anything wrong. It’s me. I just don’t think I could share you with anyone else. I’m a jealous guy. I always have been. I want my woman to want me and no one else. Maybe that’s selfish, maybe it’s stupid, but every time I think about you with someone else, it makes me crazy. Imagine if we were sleeping together?”

“So we just stay friends?” she asked, visualizing what that meant for them; and if it would always stay that way.

“Good friends,” he assured. “You and I are such similar creatures, Joss. I see so much of myself in you. I think we have a connection that transcends the physical. I don’t want to lose that. I’ve been so fractured for the better part of my life and I feel like I’m on my way to healing that. I have you to thank for that. The others too, but really it has been the ability to see myself through your eyes that has set me free. I’m terrified of being hurt again, but more than that, I’m afraid of hurting you.”

She took a deep breath, allowing his confession to land on her, to really let it sink in. He was right, of course. She couldn’t ask him for anything else, and yet her heart wanted so much more.

“I respect that, Grant,” she conceded, her smile reassuring him, “and yet I can’t help but think how amazing it would be to be with you, intimately. Wouldn’t it be hot?”

“It would be sizzling...off the fucking charts,” he chuckled. “Don’t think I haven’t considered it myself; but for now, this is all I am capable of.”

“I know,” she said, squeezing his hands. “It’s enough. I can’t ask you to sacrifice your peace of mind. I want you to be happy.”

“I know you do, and I want the same for you. You’re my angel. But in the same way you saved me, you could also destroy me,” he teased, pulling her back into his embrace.

They lay back down together, comforted by one another’s others arms, peacefully contemplating their connection.

Although his last words were light, Joss sensed an underlying truth that couldn’t be ignored, and she couldn’t help feeling sad.