Chapter Eleven
I wake up startled. I didn’t set my alarm and we are being picked up from the hotel at 8:00am to go to the airport. When I realize it’s only 4:23am, I let out a big sigh. My eyes burn from the crying and my mind still feels cloudy from the alcohol. My phone has been off the entire night and I hastily turn it on; it rings with the familiar sounds of texts and voicemails. I am afraid to look.
11:10pm Missed call - Mr. Holden
Mr. Holden:
Can we talk?
I scratch my head. I was expecting a more scathing response to my drunk dialing fiasco.
Henry:
Shyla, Im so sorry. Plese forgiv me. Im drunk.
Oh Henry! I don’t have time to be upset at him. The pain I am feeling right now has nothing to do with what happened in the elevator. I will let him sit around with the guilt for a while, he cannot just pull that shit with female coworkers and I hope this will teach him a lesson.
Mr. Holden:
Are you still up? Can we talk?
This was after I saw him with that skank. There was no way I was talking to him last night, bawling like a hormonal teenager. I am not sure how I am going to deal with the levels of awkwardness on the plane, between me and both Taylor and Henry. For once, I really wish I was flying coach on a regular plane so I wouldn’t have to deal with all of it. I so desperately want to talk to Lizzy, but I cannot tell anyone about what is going on between Taylor and me. This leaves me in a constant state of inner dialogue, discussing with myself back and forth what I should or shouldn’t do. I feel like I am in some sort of state of sane insanity.
After packing, I head down to the hotel restaurant for breakfast. Five minutes later, I see Taylor walk through the entrance, scanning the room as if he already knows I am there. Shit. When his eyes catch mine, I see a look of desperation on his face. I am still expecting to be fired, just in a much kinder manner than I had anticipated. I take a sip of my coffee; I am going to need the caffeine. He sits across from me at the table. The server quickly comes over and pours him a coffee. I don’t know if I should say something first. He came here to talk to me, but I owe him an apology too.
“Taylor, before you say anything. I am sorry about last night. It was none of my business. Being drunk is no excuse. You have a right to your personal life. I honestly don’t know what I was thinking.” I feel relieved knowing if he fires me, I have said my piece. What I really want to ask him is how could he sleep with that tramp who throws herself so aggressively at men? How could he lead me on with his gifts and ambiguous behavior?
“Shy, it’s fine, really. Last night did not go the way I planned at all, in many ways. For what it’s worth, nothing happened between me and Tatyana. She came over and we talked, and she left. At the gala, I found out we had a common interest, and against my better judgement, I thought I should follow up, but we were not compatible.”
“It’s none of my business.” Please, tell me more.
“What you said was right Shy. I have been skating around the issue, but I have to say this. If you decide to leave H.I. I’ll understand.”
“No, I love working at H.I. I thought you were going to fire me.”
“Fire? No, no,” he says, shaking his head. “Shy, I am just going to go out and say it. I like you Shyla. No, it’s more than that, I care about you. More than I ever have about any woman. I think you are intelligent, funny, compassionate, and beautiful. You have to understand, I feel indifferent towards most people, but something about you gets to me and I’ve been aware of it since the moment we met.” My heart dances. “But, there are things about me, things I can’t share. I want to be around you, and I would like to continue to work with you, but the games I have been playing are cruel and they serve only me. It is a way for me to have you on a deeper level, since we can’t be together physically.” I am stupefied. How can someone who is constantly using games and innuendo flip a switch and put everything out there so quickly? The moment I thought I wanted is now here, but I don’t know how to process this. He is not inviting me to be with him, so there is no decision to make. He just wants to me to move along and forget this conversation ever happened, all for reasons he won’t even tell me. He sits quietly, staring at me with his crystal eyes, waiting for me to say something back. I decide to take his route and let it all out. I am not as good as he is at this, but I have nothing to lose at this point.
“That’s not true. I don’t know what you think it is I can’t handle, but you don’t get to be the judge. Just tell me. What are you hiding? I won’t quit.”
“Shy, I just...I can’t.” He looks down. “I am one of those people who is better off alone and you will be better off living your life the way it is. I don’t do relationships.”
“Who said I wanted a relationship?”
“You would not want to be with me unless we were in a normal relationship. Trust me.”
“Normal relationship? What does that even mean?”
“It means that I want you to know the truth about how I feel about you, but that nothing else can come of it.”
“You know, you talk of being cruel and playing games, and here you are still doing it. Fine, if that is how you feel, we’ll continue to work together. Whenever, if ever, you are ready to tell me, I will be here, but no more messing with my head just for your own pleasure. You cannot play with someone’s heart like that unless you intend to make use of it.” I rise up from the table having lost my appetite and quite frankly irritated by Taylor’s continued secretiveness. “Taylor, I did like the games, I was just hoping they would go somewhere.”
I walk away without looking back. During the plane ride home, I sleep and keep my earphones in to drown out the world. I tell Lizzy I am hungover and things are going to be awkward between Henry and I for a while, so I don’t have to worry about talking to either one of them. Taylor and I don’t say a word to each other. I try to imagine how we will work together. I don’t think there is tremendous anger on either side, but we have now both acknowledged the reality. He wants me. It wasn’t all in my head. I didn’t say it, but he knows I want him too. We have to be around each other daily knowing that this is what is between us. Maybe, like he said, in time this would get better. All the cards are now out on the table, and we can treat it like any other fact that we know about each other.
I do believe him about Tatyana even though I have no way of really knowing the truth. He said they have something in common, but he won’t tell me what. It bothers me that a complete stranger gets to know more about him than I do. I wrack my brain about what clues she could provide. Does it have to do with Russia? Are they spies? Okay, I am getting way off track here...Is he a serial killer? Unlikely. Was he in prison? That can’t be it. I can’t imagine what he could be so guarded about. I already know about his anxiety issues. His secret and the anxiety have to be tied in some way.
My thoughts suddenly go back to what he said to me at the table. The games he played were a form of foreplay...the food, the underwear. It was all supposed to satisfy an urge for him, but instead, it just made us both want each other more. Then I remember Rick. I have been nothing but terrible since I met Taylor. I have been nice, sure, but I have been absent. Rick has to know this, but I believe he is trying to cling to our relationship just like I am. I need to let him go. My eyes begin to well up. Shit, not here on the plane in front of everyone. I don’t know how to do it, how to look him in the eye and tell him what we both already know. It hurts just to think about it. It feels like I am killing a living being. Our relationship is an organism constantly evolving and now I will have to put it down. I pray that Rick has the guts to do it, because while I know it’s the right thing I am not sure if I can. It’s so easy to break up when you are fighting, or you can’t get along, but how do look someone in the eyes on a gorgeous Sunday morning over a cup of coffee and tell them it’s time to move on? I bury my head in my blanket and silently let the slow stream of tears roll down my cheek.
It is late evening by the time we land. I convinced Rick before leaving that I would get a ride home from Harrison knowing how late our arrival would be. I am now regretting this decision. I know if Taylor catches wind of me trying to get a cab, he will insist I ride with him. We all get our bags at the same time. I hug Lizzy and give an awkward wave to Henry as they go right into their cars. I nonchalantly try to slip away and find a cab on my own when I hear Taylor utter the first words to me since breakfast.
“Shy!” Dammit. I look back, he cocks his head directing me to come over. “Get in.” His face and tone displays disapproval of my choice to grab a cab. I nod to Harrison.
“Welcome back Ms. Ball.” Same to you Harrison, it’s so good to finally be around a sane person.
Taylor breaks the silence.
“I know what happened between you and Henry last night.” I really didn’t need him to know that.
“Nothing happened. I shut him down very quickly.” I want to make sure there aren’t false versions of the story circulating.
“I know. He told me. He feels awful. He’s been quite smitten by you too. You have that effect on men.” I do?
“Henry is not smitten, he just thinks I’m a sweet piece of ass that you hired.” Taylor’s eyes widen with recognition. “Yes, Taylor, I heard what he said the day we met. Because of that, I was quite bitchy to him for a while, but I let my guard down because I found him endearing, then before I know it he’s feeling me up in an elevator.” Taylor’s eyes narrow and his jaw tenses.
“I’ll be honest, I wanted to knock him the fuck out.” His voice is eerily calm and almost matter of fact when he says this. “He doesn’t know how I feel about you. If he did, he never would have done that.” It’s so weird how his words convey passion while he displays such a cool exterior. I can’t help but smile because Taylor is usually so aloof. It is as if others only exist around him if he needs them, or if their well-being directly affects his. However, in this instance, his need to protect me comes from a place of passion, and again, it makes me feel part of an exclusive club.
“Did you tell him? That you...that we...”
“No. There’s no point in sharing that information with him, but I gave him a stern reminder about how he should treat coworkers at H.I. That guy is a walking erection.”
I laugh. Taylor’s stone cold delivery makes the line even funnier. “That’s probably good. Have him and Lizzy...you know...? I’ve always wondered about those two.”
“I think so, but I never asked. I rather not know. She’s like a sister to me.”
“I have to say, you surround yourself with interesting characters. I’ll include myself in that statement.”
“Well, brilliant people tend to come with interesting personalities, it’s part of the territory.”
“I guess so. Henry told me how you courted him. You always get the people you want, don’t you?”
“Not always.” One of his double meanings strikes again. He looks deeply into my eyes as he says this. I decide to lighten the air; we might as well have little fun with the shared knowledge we now have. I know I am treading dangerous water, but even though I said I wanted it to stop, I want to be able to pull the strings a bit myself. It’s not fair that he was the only one that got to have fun.
“Well, you should have seen me last night. I wore a hot little number for you.” He perks up and runs his hand through his hair. Is he blushing?
“Oh but I did, remember? You looked really sexy. You have the most amazing legs. Was that really for me?”
“Always is.” I sit comfortably back into my seat and cross my legs, feeling a bit powerful. I look up at the rearview mirror and see Harrison holding the slightest grin on his face. I point to the front of the car and mouth to Taylor that Harrison can hear us. He leans forward, so close that even though he isn’t touching me, I get goosebumps. “The things that man has heard driving this car, this is just child’s play.” He cooly eases back to his seat. His voice was so seductive, and I could feel his warm breath on my neck. We need to stop this, but what I really want is for him to jump on me right now. I begin to take him in. His hair looks unkempt today. He has some stubble and is wearing a heather gray T-shirt that hugs all the right places, and a pair of light colored jeans. The gray in the shirt brings out the blue in his eyes. He wears a pair of vintage-looking sneakers. He looks so relaxed and sexy. Okay, just one more comment and I’ll stop.
“You look really hot right now.” I grin. He shakes his head and looks down, I think he is blushing again.
“Shy, we have to stop this. This could get dangerous.”
“You’re right, but we should have a little fun while we can. Once I leave the car tonight, we forget it all. We’ve managed it so far, I am sure we can go back.” Knowing this may be the last and only time I can ever say what I want to say, I become more emboldened.
“You’ve said that you like me, but I don’t think I have said much about what I feel.”
“Do tell.” He leans back and crosses his ankle over his knee. It reminds me of when he interviewed me.
“I mean this in a purely factual way. I am sure if we could study this in a lab, it would be valid. So I don’t feel shy saying this. You are the most beautiful man I have ever met. I am sure you know this, people are stunned when you walk into a room. It’s just a fact. You’re rich, powerful, and good looking. You could have anyone. So, I never thought you would want me.” My voice quivers as I say this. I have never expressed myself like that to anyone before or shared my insecurities with someone so openly. Exposing myself this much may not have been wise, but the words just poured out of me. He has that effect on me. His eyes go from playful to serious very quickly.
“Shyla, all those things you listed don’t make a person. They don’t. I mean it. You are beautiful, both inside and outside, but please don’t look to me to validate that. You have to know if for yourself.” His voice is so tender. I have never seen him like this, so expressive. He looks at me so earnestly with those gleaming eyes of his. “All right Shy, we have to stop this game.”
“I’m sorry, I crossed a line. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No, that’s not it. I love hearing you speak. It’s just that I want to kiss you so badly and I know I never will.”
“Never...” I repeat the word under my breath, the last bit of hope fading with my voice.
“Shy...you have no idea, how much I want to...Maybe we can’t work together.”
“No, we can make it work. We can be friends and work together.”
“Shy, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”
“Taylor! That’s not it at all. I love working with you and Henry, Lizzy and Marsha and everyone. I feel like I am working towards something. I am just really confused right now. I feel horrible about all this. Rick doesn’t deserve this either.”
“Are you happy with Rick?” The question catches me off-guard because I haven’t explicitly asked myself that question in a long time.
“Every relationship has its ups and downs, but Rick is great. He’s one of my best friends and he is a really good guy. Most girls would kill for a guy like him.”
“That’s a long answer for a simple yes or no question.”
“Not everything can be answered with a simple yes or no.”
We arrive at my building. I don’t want this ride to end. I lean over and brush his hand. There is so much more I want to say and hear from him.
“Goodnight,” I say as if it is the last time we will ever see each other and in a way, it is.
“Night,” he says in a low voice.
Harrison helps me with my bags and once I close the door behind him, I begin to cry again. I am glad Rick is fast asleep. I have never cried so much in a 24 hour period. Anger, sadness, happiness, grief, all these emotions well up inside of me.
My phone pings.
Mr. Holden:
Let’s work at H.I. this week, it’ll help us establish some normality.
Just like that, the romance is over. I had him just for one car ride. I had him, and now he’s gone again.
***
The next week is bittersweet torture. He is almost as formal as he was in the interview room weeks ago. It’s as if he is going to the extreme to prove we can coexist as business associates. Who are we fooling? Putting our feelings out into the world made us both feel great, but the knowledge is impossible to shut back into its tight box. I have to give it to Taylor, if there is someone who can put on a great poker face, it’s him. But sometimes it sneaks through; randomly during meetings we catch each other’s eyes and hold the glance for an extra fraction of a second. There is no smile, no wink, no knowing smirk, but I still get an electric feeling. I reassure myself that his cold demeanor is the only way he can keep me around and that underneath the facade there are still warm feelings.
Things have hit a comfortable spot between Rick and I. Most nights I make it home at a reasonable enough hour for us to have dinner together. I continue to bide some time while I try to get my head right. I keep hoping that Taylor is just a phase, and if I wait it out long enough, one day I will come home and the spark I felt for Rick will spontaneously reignite. I know the heady feelings of being in love do not last forever, and everything that is new becomes old. Nothing good would come of telling Rick about Taylor. What is there to tell him? What’s the point in revealing intangibles such as feelings and emotions? Taylor and I have not been together nor do we have plans to do so. I am not ready to leave Rick. I don’t want to hurt Rick. I don’t want to lose him.
I don’t want to be alone.
***
It’s been three weeks since my return from Russia and I have Friday lunch plans with Kristin. I haven’t seen her in almost two months and I desperately need her comforting presence. She is easy to spot in a crowd: large fluffy curls, perfect brown skin, bright red lipstick, and a huge fringe purse make her an oasis in a desert of black and grey suits.
When I arrive at the cafe, I am overwhelmed with emotion: Seeing her smile, her familiar and stable presence, someone who has known me since I was 14. Right now she is the only constant in a world that is full of anything but.
“Shyla...what’s wrong?” She asks with deep concern in her voice. I don’t know what to tell her: that I think I am through with Rick and that my mysterious and gorgeous boss has completely consumed my life and thoughts? I can’t tell her the details of my relationship with Taylor, and it hits me: Even this rock, this person whom I could tell anything, Taylor has changed my relationship with her too. There isn’t a part of my world that isn’t affected by him.
“Oh, I am just happy to see you. I have been really stressed with the new job.”
“I have never seen you like this. You never cry.”
“I know, maybe it’s hormones.” We laugh.
“Rick didn’t get you pregnant, did he?”
“No! God no!” I figure if I tell her about him, that will suffice to explain the tears. For the first time in months I am able to verbalize my feelings about Rick, even if the story is incomplete. “Actually, things are not going well between us…”
“What do you mean? Are you guys going through a hump?”
“I thought it was at first, but I don’t know anymore.”
“Well, what’s going on with you two?”
“I feel like a terrible person. Rick is just being Rick, nothing has changed, but I think that might be the problem. I just feel like we both have settled. I don’t think he’s the love of my life.”
“Wow.” Kristin sits back in her chair. “You two have always seemed so stable. I don’t say that to make you feel bad. It’s important that you work this out with him; I just didn’t know you were unhappy.”
“Neither did I. I guess I have been taking stock of things lately and if we’re not the ones for each other, we have to move on before it’s too late.”
“What made you realize you weren’t happy anymore?”
More like who.
“I think the new job and the new environment made me realize that I was in a rut. It’s like my eyes have opened.”
“What about Rick? Does he feel the same way?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so.”
“You have to tell him Shyla.”
“I know, I know, but it’s so hard. I don’t want to hurt him.”
“Not telling him is hurting him too.”
“I feel like a terrible person,” I say as I sink my head.
“You’re not a terrible person. Terrible people don’t feel terrible about hurting people.”
“I wish I felt differently.”
“So are you going to leave him?”
“I don’t know. I keep thinking it might be a mistake. Maybe this is just what happens in relationships.”
“I wish I could tell you what to do, but either way, I think you need to talk to Rick honestly about it. Maybe he just needs wake up call. After all, all relationships lose their fizzle after a while. Do you really think there is a better guy out there than Rick?” Damn Kristin and her level headedness.
“You’re killing me here. On one hand you’re saying cut the strings, but on the other, you’re saying he’s a great guy.”
“You need to do what you know is right for you. Rick is a great guy, but if you really feel it’s the end of the road, then something has to be done. You know I’ll support you either way. I just want to make sure you think it all through.”
She’s right. They don’t make them more loyal and kind than Rick and yet that doesn’t seem to be enough. Maybe if I hadn’t met Taylor, Rick and I would have been content, but Taylor made me suddenly want something I didn’t know I was missing. That blanket of doubt that always wraps my thoughts asks the question: What if this is all a stupid mistake and I end up all alone?
Eventually, I get tired of mulling over my feelings and we change the subject to our work lives. Kristin is bogged down with studying for the bar, which I know she’ll knock out of the park. I wonder if H.I. needs a young attorney?
The subject quickly turns back to me and H.I. and I can’t keep a stupid grin off of my face. I show her some pictures from St. Petersburg.
“Who is that?” Kristin asks, practically knocking my phone out of my hands with her aggressive pointing. I try hard not to glow, because she will know in an instant.
“Oh, that’s my boss, Taylor Holden.” Don’t smile, don’t blush, keep cool.
“THAT’S the CEO of Holden Industries? My god Shyla, he is so fucking hot. How do you get any work done? He’s so young too!” She opens the window for a little fun, if I even try to pretend that he is not attractive, it will be obvious that I am hiding something.
“I know, it’s like working with a damned Calvin Klein model all day. I was swatting off Russian women like flies.” We giggle like little high schoolers.
“I know! Actually, everyone in this picture is good looking. That guy with the hair is cute too. What the hell? Is this like the corporate headquarters for young, successful and sexy?”
“Oh please Kristin. I’m in the picture!”
“Shut up! I totally wanted to say this when I saw you, but you got all emotional on me. You look fabulous. I mean you have always been adorable, but you look so professional and adult-like. Is Sexy, Inc. rubbing off on you?”
“Thank you and yes there is a certain dress code I have to abide by. You know I would much prefer jeans any day of the week.”
“Is he married?”
“Nope, he’s a bachelor.”
“Please hook me up! I need a sugar daddy!” Oh Kristin, you have no idea.
“I try to stay out of his love life. He’s very private.” Seriously, I am desperately trying to stay out of his love life. My cell phone rings; speak of the devil. I display an apologetic frown to Kristin as I pick up the phone.
“Hi Taylor.”
“Hi Shy. I know you are out to lunch, but I have some documents I left in the locked drawer in my desk that need to be brought over immediately.”
“Sure, no problem...Oh, but I don’t have those keys.”
“Yes, you’ll need to come by to H.I. I am the only person that has a copy.”
When I hang up, Kristin is busy fixing her lipstick. She has a faint scar on her upper lip. It is the only hint there was ever a cleft once there and the thing she is most insecure about. She never leaves her house without covering it up. I break the news to her that I have to run.
“So he’s gorgeous, but he’s a total buzzkill. He really is working you like a dog!” Kristin says exasperated.
“We have to do this once a week,” I say as I throw a one hundred dollar bill on the table.
“Shy-la! You are not paying for me.”
“Don’t worry. It’s on H.I.” I wink and pitter-patter to my car in my heels.
I make it to H.I. in only seven minutes, thanks to the dramatic improvement in my Ladybug driving skills. Taylor is on a call when I walk into the office and he points at a small ring of keys on the table. I recognize this as the one he uses to get into the secret room. He never has it off of his person. Don’t even think about it Shy. How many lines are you going to cross with this man? Underneath the keys is a post-it:
Please get docs back here by 3pm.
His clock reads 1:35. This is doable. I get to the house in 25 minutes thanks to zero traffic. I head straight to the desk and very quickly find the stack of original documents that he needs. I look at the clock. It’s 2:03. No, Shyla. Don’t do it. I fondle the ring of keys. Maybe he wants me to go into the room. What could possibly be in there? A medieval torture chamber? Dead bodies? I am sure it’s nothing, but this may be my only chance to find out.
I creep out of the office, as if anyone could hear me. Harrison should be at headquarters, as he just brought Taylor back from a meeting across town. He usually hangs around the main offices when Taylor works there. I walk to the large wooden panel and run my fingers over the keyhole. There are about ten keys and I would prefer not to go through each one. I pick out the likely culprit...not a match. Then another...doesn’t work. My pace starts slowly, but I become more impatient with each failed key. He must have removed the key before relinquishing the ring. I am on the sixth key when I hear the clicking sound of an opened lock. My heart jumps. I promise not to overreact to whatever I see. I take a deep breath and push the door forward. It doesn’t make a sound.