MAXIM

We stood there, breathing hard and dripping with each other, his hand still wrapped around us both. I blinked a few times, not entirely sure he wasn’t a ghost. Or maybe a dream.

But he stayed where he was, his hips solid and firm and real beneath my hands, his breath warm on my face. I didn’t want to move or speak for fear I’d break the spell. Was that the rapid fire of his heart I was hearing? Or was it mine?

“Uh. Sorry.” Careful not to get anything on the carpet, he let go of us both.

“Don’t apologize.” Disappointed, I took my hands off him, even though what I wanted to do was pull him closer. “That felt great.”

“Yeah.” He exhaled, his eyes closing briefly. “Give me a minute.”

He scooped up his pants and left the room, and I quickly used the hallway bath. Back in the guest room, I switched on the bedside lamp and tugged on underwear and the athletic pants he’d loaned me. The whole time, all I could think was, What the hell? Why did he keep apologizing? Was he going to brush me off again?

“Hey.”

At the sound of his voice, I looked up. He stood in the doorway, jeans on, no shirt. In contrast to the way he’d stormed in before, all fire and muscle, now he looked almost afraid to enter.

“Hey.” I smiled at him. “You can come in.”

He walked into the room a few feet, stopping well short of where I stood. Fidgeted. Shoved his hands into his pockets. “Look, I know you don’t want another apology or excuse, but I feel like I at least owe you an explanation.”

“Okay.”

“You must think I’m such an asshole,” he went on, “barging in here like that, saying those things to you.”

“I don’t think you’re an asshole at all.”

“You must think something,” he went on, running a hand through his hair, messing it up. Frustration edged his tone. “You barely reacted at all today when we talked about what happened last night. It was driving me crazy.”

“How was I supposed to react?” I stared at him in disbelief. “You said it meant nothing. You said you were drunk. You said to forget it. That’s what I was trying to do.” I hesitated, debating how forthright I should be and deciding to go for it. Maybe he wanted to hear this. Maybe it would make a difference. “But it’s useless, Derek. I’ll never forget what happened between us—last night or tonight. And I don’t think you will either. But if you really didn’t like it and want to pretend like nothing happened—again—no problem.”

His stubborn jaw twitched, but he didn’t say anything for a moment. “I never said I didn’t like it.”

“So you did like it?”

He cocked a brow. “I think that was pretty obvious, don’t you?”

I had to smile.

“But Maxim, I didn’t want to like it. It only causes problems for me.” Sighing heavily, he leaned back against the dresser, his shoulders slumped. “I meant what I said this morning. I’ve never been with a guy before you. But I’ve…thought about it. I’ve wanted to know what it would be like.”

“And now that you know?”

“My head is even more fucked up. If I hadn’t come in here, the not-knowing would still be driving me insane. But now that I know, it’s almost worse.” He shook his head. “What the fuck is wrong with me?”

If I’d thought it would help, I’d have gone to him. Touched him. Reassured him what we’d done was okay, that he was okay. But somehow I felt like it would be the wrong move. Instead, I chose my words carefully. “There is nothing wrong with you, Derek. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You were curious, and so was I. Things happened. If you want to forget it, we can, but if you feel like you might want to see where this goes…I’d be up for that, too.”

“I don’t know what I want. I mean, I know what I want physically, at least with you, but it doesn’t gel at all with the vision I have for my life.”

“Which is what?”

“A wife and kids. I want a family.”

I nodded slowly. I wasn’t sure exactly where Derek and I could go from here, but I was sure it wouldn’t lead to a wife and kids. While I was trying to come up with something to say, he went on.

“I told you before, I was raised in a religious household. My parents…” He shook his head. “They would never understand. They would never be okay with this. I’ve never been okay with this.”

“How long have you struggled with it?”

“A long time. Maybe since I was twelve or thirteen. But I always understood it as something wrong with me. A defect or faulty wiring. Because I liked girls too.”

“Lots of people do.”

That actually caused him to crack a smile, but it disappeared fast. “Anyway, I’ve never done anything about those feelings except hate them and hide them. Pray for them to go away. But then…”

“But then?”

He looked at me with hungry eyes. “There’s just something about you.”

“I feel bad for liking that. Sort of.”

“No. Don’t feel bad.” His brow furrowed with anger. “I’m sorry. None of this is your fault, and I’m treating you as if it is.”

“You’re not,” I said, shaking my head. “Derek, you’ve been so good to me. You’ve treated me better than anyone ever has. I don’t know what I did to deserve your kindness and help, but I’m so thankful for it. I’ll never forget it.”

A tiny, sad smile appeared on his lips. “It makes me feel good to hear that.”

“It’s the truth. And I like making you feel good,” I added.

His smile widened, but it was still mournful somehow. “Do you? I feel like shit even saying all this to you. I hope you don’t think I’m judging you. My problem is only with myself.”

“I understand.”

“You do?”

“Yes. I’ve never struggled with this like you are, probably because it was always very clear to me I wasn’t attracted to girls, but also because of where I grew up. Being openly gay in Russia is not accepted. Not like it is here.”

“I know. And I wish I was different. I wish I could be someone else, the kind of guy who doesn’t care what anyone thinks, because being with you feels so good. I just don’t know if I can. Something in me refuses to give.”

Seeing him so conflicted, wishing he could be someone else for me, was heartbreaking. “Derek, if you want me to leave, if that will make it easier for you, say the word, and I’m gone. I’ll have my savings tomorrow, and I can find a place to stay.”

He closed his eyes, exhaling slowly. “Let me think about it.”

“Of course.” I thought he would say goodnight and leave then, but he kept standing there, leaning against the dresser.

“Maxim. Come here.”

Surprised, I stayed put. “What?”

He met my eyes and spoke more firmly. “Come here.”

I made my way toward him, but it wasn’t until I stood right in front of him that he reached for me. Wrapped his arms around my waist. Pulled me close and tipped his forehead onto my chest.

I put my arms around him. His body was warm, but chills swept over my back. Pure happiness flooded me, soaking me right down to the bone. I wanted to say things. Stay with me. Let me hold you all night. I’ll make you feel good. Maybe he wanted to say things too—don’t let me go, I want this with you, show me how.

But a moment later, he ended the embrace and left the room, neither of us saying anything except goodnight.

I got back in bed, but lay awake for what seemed like hours, my mind refusing to shut off. Was Derek still awake? What was he thinking? Would he ask me to go? I thought about everything he’d told me tonight and felt so good that he’d trusted me with his feelings. Even if it hadn’t been exactly what I wanted to hear, at least he’d given me honesty. He’d revealed something to me that he’d never spoken about to anyone. It made me feel like I had something of his, something more precious than clothing or shelter or even time. I had a piece of him no one else had. I had a truth about him no one else knew. I had one of his secrets.

I wanted them all.

For the first time, I wanted to know every dark corner of someone’s mind. I wanted to taste every hidden place on his body. I wanted to stay with him.

I wanted not just more, but all.

Frankly, it was a little terrifying.