DEREK

I was shattered.

Last night had ruined me.

Turning my desk chair to face the window, I looked out at downtown L.A. skyscrapers packed with offices and apartments. Streets congested with traffic. Block after block of businesses, stores, restaurants. Sidewalks full of people. How was it possible, in a city of millions, to feel so achingly alone?

But I did. I had for so long. Having Maxim around for the weekend made me realize it. I’d forgotten how good it felt to have breakfast with someone. Run errands for someone. Kiss someone in the dark.

Having him there made my house less empty. It gave me purpose. It made me feel needed and useful and trusted. I couldn’t stop thinking about that—Maxim trusted me. Had I taken advantage of that last night? Had I used him in an attempt to answer some question about myself? And now that I had my answer—now that I knew—could I walk away from it? Walk away from the one person in the entire world with whom I’d been my deepest, darkest, truest self? The one person I’d entrusted with my secret?

I was scared that I couldn’t, and that fear gripped me as hard as the madness of wanting him. God, how I wanted him.

My stomach hollowed as I thought about last night. It had felt so good. So honest. So intense. I wanted nothing more than to do it again, and again, and again. To feel that closeness with him. To deepen it. Reveal more of myself and discover more of him. But at what price?

Was I really prepared to let go of my fantasy of the perfect life? A perfect family? Had I honestly done everything I could to make it happen? Was I ready to face the censure of my parents and colleagues and strangers and God and myself? Would that really make me happy? Then again, was I going to be happy married to someone I didn’t feel passionate about? Living a life that required me to hide part of who I really was? Forever stifling whatever it was that had made me feel so fucking alive last night? Maybe that would be my punishment. My cross to bear.

At least I’d have a family.

But what about Maxim?

Maxim. So young, so full of life, so ready to take on the world. He had so much to offer and so much to learn. Mistakes to make and successes to celebrate. Personal goals to achieve. He was still in that stage of life where all you thought about was sex, food, and getting ahead. I remembered it well, but it was long behind me.

He’d probably get tired of me sooner rather than later. He’d want to go to clubs and meet industry people and experience being a gorgeous twenty-something in L.A., with their selfies and their Snapchats and their hashtags. I was closer to forty than twenty, I hadn’t been to a club in years, and hashtags could #fuckrightoff. Other than Maxim, I wouldn’t even know how to talk to a twenty-something. What the hell did he see in me anyway? Me, with my gray hair and cracking bones and early Saturday nights. He could have anybody.

And he certainly wouldn’t be thinking about a family in the next few years. But I didn’t want to be fifty and pushing a stroller around the neighborhood. How much longer was I going to wait? Maxim had said he was willing to “see where this goes,” but it didn’t seem right to fuck with his feelings when I knew it couldn’t go anywhere.

You can’t have everything. It’s either short term gratification or big picture goals. Make your choice.

Grimacing, I spun to face my desk again, picked up my phone and made a call.

“Hello?”

“Hey Carolyn, it’s Derek. How are you?”

“Good. How are you?”

“Good. Listen, can I take you to dinner tonight?”

“I’d love that. What time were you thinking?”

“How’s seven?”

“Perfect. That gives me time to get a run in after my class.”

“Great. You know, we should run together sometime.”

“That sounds like fun.” She paused. “Wow, you sound so much better than you did Saturday night.”

Could she tell what an effort it was? “I’ll pick you up at seven.”

“Sounds good. See you then.”

This was it. One last-ditch effort to be someone else.

My phone was still in my hand when it buzzed with a text from my sister.

Hey!! Just wanted to let you know it went really well with Maxim last night. He’s such a hard worker! LOL you should have seen his face when I handed him his cash at the end of the night—it was like I gave him a million dollars!

At the sight of his name, I felt guilty. I’d have to tell Maxim what I was doing with Carolyn. Not because I’d made any promises or anything, but because we’d left some things up in the air last night, and I didn’t want to string him along. He deserved to find someone braver than me. Is he working tonight?

Three little dots faded in and out as she replied. Yes. I’m picking him up at 3:30. He tried to tell me he’d take a bus. This was followed by laughing emojis with tears.

I’d have smiled, but I couldn’t. Are you able to bring him home?

She replied with a thumbs up.

For a few minutes, I sat there staring at my phone, trying to think of what I was going to say to Maxim, how I was going to explain it. For all I knew, he wouldn’t even care.

But as I made the call, my gut told me he would.

“Hello?”

“Hi. It’s me.”

“Hi.” He sounded so happy to hear from me, I cringed.

“What are you up to?” I asked lamely.

“I’m walking to Western Union right now. I found a location only two kilometers from your house. My mother called at three A.M. this morning to let me know she had wired my savings.”

I love the way he says kilometers. “Good. That’s good.”

“Yes, and I made a list of things I need to do after that. Aren’t you proud of me?”

Oh fuck, that’s cute. “Yes. What’s on the list?”

“Open a bank account, apply for a credit card, buy some clothes.”

With all the turmoil last night, I’d forgotten to give him the things I’d purchased. Now I wasn’t even sure I should. “Good thinking.”

“How is your day?”

Terrible. “Good.” I frowned. “Maxim, I just wanted to let you know, I’m taking Carolyn out tonight.”

Silence. “Oh.”

“I wanted to be honest, because you were so compassionate during our conversation last night. I decided I’m not really into letting things go any further with us. I just can’t.”

“Okay.”

“I feel like I owe it to myself, and to her, to give it one more chance.” I was rambling, but I couldn’t stop.

“I get it.”

“But that doesn’t mean I want you to leave. I don’t.” I want to have it both ways.

“Thank you. Have a great time tonight.”

“Thanks.”

I hung up and lowered my forehead to my desk, picturing him standing in front of Western Union, staring at his phone, thinking what a fucking coward. That’s what I felt like, anyway.

A moment later, I picked up my head and shook it off. I’d made the right decision. I hadn’t been rash, I’d been realistic. I’d considered the options, weighed the pros and cons, and made my choice based on my long-held, long-term goals. That’s what I always did. It’s who I was. Or at least, it’s who I was pretending to be. Sooner or later, my feelings would catch up.

They had to.

* * *

“I’m so glad you called me.” Beaming, Carolyn reached over and tapped my thigh as I drove downtown. “I was worried about you.”

“Me?” I feigned surprise.

“Yes. You really seemed bothered the other night.”

“Nah. Nothing to worry about.”

“Good. So where should we go?”

“I thought maybe I’d take you to my sister’s bar. You mentioned you’ve never been to The Blind Pig.” I ignored the voice in my head telling me that wasn’t the real reason I wanted to go there. The one that knew I was a fraud. The one that recognized my inability to stay away from him.

“I haven’t!” Carolyn was delighted. “I’d love to go there! Your sister is so nice. I really like her.”

“She likes you, too.”

“Did she say that? Oh, God.” She waved a hand in the air. “That sounded so middle school of me. Forget that.”

“As a matter of fact, not only Ellen said that, but Maxim and Gage and Lanie all made a point to tell me how wonderful you are.” It was a little bit of an exaggeration, but I liked the blush it put on her cheeks, and it was a relief to know I could still be charming when I wanted to be.

I continued to pour it on, opening the car door for her, helping her out, taking her arm as we walked from the parking garage to the bar. She looked radiantly happy, more beautiful than I’d ever seen her, really, and I’m sure we looked like the perfect couple on the outside.

But as soon as we walked into the bar, I looked around for Maxim, and when I saw him hurry by carrying an armful of liquor bottles, my insides twisted. What the fuck was I doing? This was so unfair, bringing Carolyn here, parading her right under his nose. And now that I saw him, I wanted him even more. The difference in my body’s reaction to him compared to its reaction to Carolyn was staggering.

Just keep it off your face, I told myself, putting an arm around Carolyn’s back. If you can’t bury it altogether, at least keep it off your face.

It wasn’t easy—every time I saw him out of the corner of my eye, I lost track of what Carolyn was saying—but I thought I did a fairly good job. Maxim did even better. Granted, he was at work and I was out socially, but he barely even glanced at us the entire time we were there. He’d nodded hello when we’d come in, but that was it. Was he mad? The thought angered me. He said he’d be fine either way! Did he think this was easy, sitting across the table from one person and craving to be with another? Having to hide it? Feeling horrible and ashamed and guilty for it? It’s so easy for you, isn’t it, Maxim? You know exactly who you are and what you want, and you don’t care what anyone thinks. Well, that’s not how it is for me, so don’t tell me you understand and then judge me.

Even worse than his ignoring me was the way I saw him flirting with customers. Flirting! With women! Giving them his sly Russian smiles and big blue eyes and probably charming them with his accent. And they laughed and batted their lashes and touched him on the arm or chest. They probably thought he’d go home with them. It took everything I had not to run over there and yell Fuck you, he doesn’t even like your parts!

I tried harder with Carolyn. I was attentive and polite. I laughed at her jokes. I told her she looked beautiful. I asked about her family, her job, and her favorite music. I made a big deal about how much patience she must have to be a teacher, how much better at math she probably was than me, and how I admired her for running marathons. I took her hand when we walked back to the car. I kissed her on her porch, a chaste press of my lips against hers I hoped would fire me up.

It didn’t.

End this fucking charade. It’s painful.

While I was trying to think of a way to break it off without seeming like a total asshole, Carolyn spoke up.

“Derek,” she said, tucking her hair behind her ears. “I hope you won’t take this the wrong way, but—” She gave me an embarrassed smile. “I don’t think we have enough chemistry for some reason. Or the right kind of chemistry. I really like you, and I think you like me, but…” She shook her head. “Something’s missing. I was really hoping it would develop or we’d find it somewhere along the way, but it hasn’t happened.” She took on a tortured expression. “And it’s really a shame, because you’re hot, and you’re a great guy, and you’re single, and I am too, and I haven’t had sex in a really, really, really ridiculously long time, but my gut is telling me we’re better off as friends.”

Relief rushed through me. “Carolyn, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’ve had fun with you. And I don’t want you to be a stranger, either.”

“I’ve had fun with you, too. And I wish things were different.”

“Me too. Who knows, maybe in another life, we’d have been more than friends,” she said airily, tucking her hands into her back pockets. “But this life is what we have, and I’d like to spend the rest of mine with someone crazy about me.” She smiled ruefully. “Just have to find him first.”

“You will. You’re fantastic, Carolyn. And some lucky guy is going to cross your path and fall hard for you. I know it.”

“Maybe.” She shrugged, but she looked happy at the thought. “What about you?”

I wasn’t sure what she meant. “What about me?”

“You okay with this?”

“Of course. To be honest, I felt the same, but I didn’t want to say anything without giving us a fair chance.”

“We had a fair chance. It just wasn’t meant to be.” She hesitated, like she wanted to say more and wasn’t sure she should.

“What?” I prompted.

She tilted her head. “Can I say something? It’s kind of crazy, and I could be wrong, but it’s been in the back of my mind for two days, and I don’t want to offend you, but maybe it—”

“Carolyn.”

“Okay.” She took a deep breath. “I might be way off here, but I sensed something between you and Maxim Saturday night. Maybe it was all in my imagination, but—”

“It was,” I said quickly. “You’re way off.”

She flashed her palms at me. “Like I said, I could be wrong.”

“You are.” I needed to get out of here. The back of my neck was burning hot, and I was afraid my face was giving me away. I was not prepared for this. “I should go.”

Her face fell. “Okay. I’m really sorry, Derek. I didn’t mean to offend you. I just know how hard it is to find someone you have chemistry with, and you mentioned you were struggling with something, and I thought—”

“You thought wrong.” I took a step back. “But it’s okay. I’m not offended.”

“Good. Well…goodnight.”

“Night.”

I stepped off her porch and headed down the front walk, feeling her eyes on me. She knows. It was obvious, and she knows. But how? No one else had said anything! Then again, no one else had been focused on me romantically, or paying close attention to me like she had been. Plus Carolyn was smart and intuitive. She’d probably noticed me staring at him Saturday night, maybe even tonight. I hadn’t been careful enough.

Suppressing a groan, I got into the car and started it up, more conflicted than ever.

Damn you, Maxim. Damn you for coming here and fucking with me like this. I had a plan, and you derailed it. Maybe I made the first move—and the second—but why’d you have to give in to me so easily? Why didn’t you shut the door in my face? Why did you let me do that to you?

I drove home, angry and confused and less sure than ever that I wouldn’t try to do it again tonight.

In fact, I was fairly certain I would.