Chapter 5
UNDER MY SKIN
WESLEY
I don’t want her to find out about us.
Those fucking words replay in my mind on a loop, tormenting me as I walk from Mackenzie’s house toward mine. She doesn’t want her sisters to know about us. That thought makes me want to break something. It also makes me wonder what’s wrong with me. I know I could walk into any number of bars right now and leave with a woman of my choosing, and I can almost guarantee she would stick around until morning. Hell, she’d probably fucking make me breakfast in bed and ask when we could hang out again.
“This is your fault,” I mutter under my breath as I glare at the vicinity of my dick. Since the moment he met Mackenzie, he’s been fascinated with her. He’s lost interest in everyone else.
Who the hell am I kidding? My mind has become solely focused on her, too. She’s what I think about before I fall asleep at night and the first thing I think about in the morning. Maybe I should turn in my badge and start writing cards for Hallmark.
Tucking my hands into the front pocket of my coat, I duck my head. It’s freezing, but the bite of cold is keeping me focused, keeping me from turning around and heading right back to her place—where I would undoubtedly make an even bigger fool of myself by tossing her over my shoulder, carrying her home with me, cuffing her to my bed, and forcing her to admit her feelings.
Grinding my teeth, I quicken my steps. When I finally make it to my block a little more than an hour and a half later, I’m soaking wet. I shuck off my jacket and kick off my boots by the door as soon as I open it so that I don’t drag water and snow across the floor.
I pull in a deep breath and let it out slowly when I see a message from Mackenzie on my cell phone. I stare at my cell for a minute, then shake my head and turn it off. I should have learned my lesson the first time she took off on me—but I didn’t. I should have realized that I’m not what she wants when she ran from me the second time we hooked up—but once again, I didn’t. Now I know for certain that she doesn’t want her family to know about me. I never thought I would be living a life where I would be someone’s dirty little secret, but that is exactly what I am to her.
Grunting in disgust at myself, I head for the shower. I stand under the hot water until it runs cold, then get out and go to bed. I keep my phone off so that I’m not tempted to talk to her.
Pulling my bulletproof vest down over my head the next evening, I Velcro the sides and then put on my jacket. I need to get my head in the game and off Mackenzie. Mackenzie, who’s called or texted at least a dozen times this morning to apologize. Mackenzie, whose last text said that she was now pissed at me for being pissed at her. That message shouldn’t have made me smile, but it did.
Stop thinking about her . . . I need to get focused on what’s about to go down.
This morning, Levi and I were finally able to procure a warrant for Juan Varges, a suspect in a missing-persons case we’ve been working on for the last three weeks. Two hours ago, I got word from an informant on where our suspect has been hiding out ever since the woman turned up missing. Varges is a known pimp with multiple homicides linked to his name. Unfortunately, until now, we haven’t had any solid evidence that we could use against him. When you’re a cop, going into any situation half-blind is dangerous. And when that situation involves a man with nothing to lose who is being backed into a corner, it could be deadly.
“What the hell is going on with you?”
Turning my head, I look at Levi. Since I moved to New York, he’s been my only real friend. He’s also one of the few people who knows why I moved here. I don’t know what his reaction would be if I told him about Mackenzie and me.
“I know something’s up, so let’s get it out on the table before we go get our guy,” he says, leaning against the side of his SUV after holstering his gun.
I shake my head. “I don’t even know where to begin.”
“The beginning is always a good place.” He crosses his arms.
I let out a breath.
“I’ve been sleeping with Mackenzie.” Saying the words out loud lifts a weight off my shoulders that I didn’t even know was there.
A frown drags Levi’s brows together.
“She doesn’t want her sister to know about us.”
“You’ve been sleeping with Mackenzie? As in Fawn’s sister Mac?”
“Yeah.” I slam the door and head toward the trunk, with Levi following.
“Dude.” He runs his hand over his head. “When the hell did this start? Was it after you met her at Thanksgiving?”
“No. I met her at a bar a few days before that. She came home with me that night, then took off the next morning before I woke up, but she forgot her cell phone at my place. A few days later, she came by to get it, and we ended up in bed again. Trust me—I was shocked to see her at your place on Thanksgiving.”
“I bet.” He scrubs his hands against his face. “So . . . what’s going on between you two now?”
“Nothing. She told me that she didn’t want Libby to know about us.”
“Ouch.”
“Yeah.” My jaw clenches when I think that she wants to keep us a secret.
“Maybe she didn’t mean it the way you took it.”
“I’m not sure there is another way to take it.”
“I don’t know, man. You met her parents. You saw just how crazy her mom is. Maybe she’s afraid that if her sister knows about you two, she’ll tell their mom, who’ll start trying to influence how Mac is feeling.”
“Maybe.” I check my gun before holstering it under my arm. “All I know is that she’s making me fucking crazy.”
“Welcome to the club,” he laughs.
I smirk at him. It wasn’t long ago that he had come into work complaining about his new neighbor. His neighbor who is now his girlfriend. After seeing them together, how happy they are, and how obviously in love he is with her, I have no doubt that it won’t be long before he’ll put a ring on her finger.
“Have you spoken to her since then?” he asks.
I shake my head. “No, but she did send me a message letting me know that she’s now pissed at me because I’m pissed at her,” I tell him.
He smiles.
“As soon as we’re done here, I say you go to her and figure out what’s going on. Just ask why she doesn’t want her sister to know about you.”
I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do. Last night, I was sure about letting her go. I thought I could find a way to get over whatever this is. But when I woke up this morning, I found myself thinking of her and wondering if she’s okay, if she slept, if she was thinking about me the way I was thinking about her. Breaking it off would be impossible. She’s burrowed under my skin in the short time I’ve known her. Now I need to figure out how to either get under hers or get over her.
“Are you ready?” I ask, needing to change the subject and my train of thought.
Mackenzie is exactly what I don’t need to be thinking about right now.
“Yeah.” Levi pulls himself off the bumper where he had taken a seat.
Folding the warrant for our suspect in half, I shove it in the inside pocket of my jacket and pull my cell phone out. Holding it in my hand, I wonder if I should wait to talk to Mackenzie face-to-face. I know I probably should, but the idea of going into this situation without hearing her voice doesn’t sit well with me.
“Just call her, man. She and Libby were picking up Fawn to go out when you called to tell me that we finally got Varges.”
“Where were they going?” I ask, not sure I want to know the answer. If he tells me they are out at some bar, I might lose my mind.
“Some art show in SoHo,” he says.
My muscles relax. I see another police cruiser drive by and park down at the end of the block, behind the SWAT van. Time to go.
“Call her. Don’t go into this situation without letting her know that you’re thinking about her.” He pats my shoulder, then walks off toward the other officers gathered at the end of the block.
I dial and put the phone to my ear. I clench my fist when my call goes to voice mail.
“I’ll see you tonight,” I growl before I hang up. I shove my phone back in my pocket.
As Levi and I follow SWAT into the building—and up the ten flights of stairs to Juan’s girlfriend’s apartment—adrenaline starts to course through my veins.
I used to live for this, for these moments of excitement. Now the unknown fills my belly with dread and makes me even more aware that there are lives on the line here. When we reach the stairwell on the tenth floor, I brace my back against the wall and wait for the signal from SWAT to say that they have entered the apartment and it’s clear for Levi and me to go in. I close my eyes for a moment, say a silent prayer.
“Ready?” one of the SWAT officers asks, sticking his head into the stairwell a second later. Levi and I follow him down the hall toward the open apartment door. Upon entering, I do a quick scan of the room. There are two doors, both open. One leads to a bedroom, the other to a bathroom. The kitchen adjoins the living room. I walk in and see a TV on a glass stand, with a couch across from it. A woman who must be Juan’s girlfriend is sitting with her hands on her lap. Juan lies on his belly on the floor with two SWAT officers to either side of him.
Pulling the warrant out of my pocket, I stride toward Juan’s girlfriend but stop abruptly when she reaches down between her legs and pulls out something black. It takes a second for me to react and to yell, “Gun!”
As soon as the word leaves my mouth, all hell breaks loose. The officers holding Juan lose their hold on him as bullets start flying, which gives him just enough leeway to grab a weapon from under the entertainment unit. It feels like I’m watching him lift the gun in slow motion. I shout again, but it’s too late. He takes the shot. Everything seems to stop as the bullet hits Levi, who goes down.
Not again, not again.
I breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth as I make my way across the floor on my hands and knees toward Levi. His back is to me. Once I’m close enough to touch him, I grab on to the collar of his jacket and drag him with me until we’re both behind the couch.
Please be alive! I silently beg, rolling him onto his back.
His chest is rising and falling, but he’s bleeding.
I yell over the sound of grunts and shouting. “We need an ambulance—now!”
I strip off my jacket and put it over his shoulder to put pressure on the entry wound.
“Fawn . . . ,” he says as I add more pressure. “Call Fawn.”
“I’ll call her,” I promise as his eyes slide closed. “Get a fucking ambulance!” I yell again as blood pools out from between my fingers.
There’s too much blood—way too much blood. My stomach turns and my pulse thumps hard.
I can’t do this. I can’t do this again. I can’t lose anyone else.
“Medical is on their way up now,” one of the SWAT officers says as he gets down on his knees across from me. “Do you want me to take over?”
Shaking my head, I keep my eyes on my hands—they’re covered in blood.
“Medic’s here.”
I lift my head and watch four EMTs come into the apartment, carrying a stretcher and bags with them.
“We got it,” one of the female EMTs says.
But I don’t move. I can’t.
“You can’t let him die.” I swallow over the lump in my throat, and her hand covers mine.
“I promise we will take care of him, but you have to let us do our job.” She gives me a reassuring smile.
I look from her back to Levi.
“Thank you.” I stand back and watch them go to work on my partner, my friend.
Once they slow the bleeding and make sure he’s stable, they lift the gurney up off the floor and start pushing him out of the apartment and into the hall. He doesn’t look as pale as he was a few minutes ago, but his skin is still clammy, and his eyes won’t stay open for longer than a few seconds.
“It will be okay, man.” I follow him and the EMTs toward the elevators.
“Don’t worry about me. Just call Fawn. Tell her I’ll be okay.”
“I’ll tell her.”
“Take my phone.” He tries to reach for his cell, but one of the EMTs stops him as we all get in the elevator.
Reaching around the EMT—and ignoring the look she gives me—I take his phone and shove it into my pocket.
“I’ll meet you at the hospital,” I tell him when the elevator comes to a stop on the first floor.
“Just call Fawn.”
“I’ll call,” I assure him.
I rub the back of my neck as I watch the EMTs put him into the ambulance parked at the curb, the lights flashing. Dropping my eyes to my boots, I tighten my fingers around his phone before putting it to my ear. I head for Levi’s SUV, wishing I didn’t have to make this call.
MAC
Holding Fawn’s hand tightly, I watch Wesley pace at the end of the hall. Back and forth, back and forth, with his hands on his hips and his eyes on the swinging doors. When we arrived at the hospital, Wesley took my hand and led us up here, to a waiting area just outside the surgical unit. He said that Levi was stable when the ambulance left with him, and that the doctors assured him when he arrived that Levi would be okay. I know none of that information has really put Fawn’s mind at ease.
When Wesley called Fawn and told her that Levi had been shot, I felt my heart crack open—because I knew that he had been with Levi. I knew in my gut that he could have been hurt as well. If something had happened to him, I would have hated myself for being an idiot. For trying to deny this thing between us. For constantly pushing him away these last few days, when I should have remembered how short life is.
“You should go to him,” Fawn says.
I pull my gaze from Wesley to look at her tearstained face and worry-filled eyes. Over dinner earlier tonight, I had told her and Libby about Wesley. I had told them how we met and what had happened since then. They didn’t think I was an idiot for liking him or thinking that he liked me—but they did think I was an idiot for hiding it.
“I will, when the doctors come out and tell us that Levi is doing okay.” I squeeze her fingers.
She shakes her head. “Please go to him now.” She closes her eyes, and pain fills my chest as I watch a tear fall down her cheek.
I know she didn’t think that tonight would end up like this. That the same night she admitted to me and Libby she’s in love with Levi, she almost lost him.
“Please.” She opens her eyes. “Please.”
With a jerky nod, I lean over and kiss her cheek. I stand and wipe my hand down the front of my slacks as I walk slowly toward Wesley.
Once I’m close enough to touch him, I reach out and place my hand on his back. I watch his body shudder. I don’t even have time to prepare—he turns around and pulls me against his chest, holding me so tight that it’s almost hard to breathe. Squeezing my eyes closed, I rest my ear over his heart and listen to it pound behind his rib cage.
“I’m sorry, I . . . I’m so, so sorry,” I whisper, holding him as tight as I can.
He presses his face into my neck. His pain is palpable, and I know that what happened tonight has brought whatever hurt him in his past back to the present.
“It’s going to be okay.” I turn my head and press a kiss over his heart.
His arms tighten before he lets me go and takes a step back, shoving his hands in the front pocket of his jeans.
“Go be with your sisters.”
“I—”
“Go. Fawn needs you.” He jerks his chin toward Fawn as he takes another step back. Those few feet between us feel like thousands of miles. “Go!” he says gruffly.
My heart lurches when he turns his back on me. I want to refuse to go. I want to wrap my arms around him and hold him, but I can tell by the set of his shoulders that he doesn’t want me. Biting the inside of my cheek, I try and fight back the pain in my chest. I take my seat next to Fawn again, who is now resting her head on Libby’s shoulder with her eyes closed.
“It will be okay,” Libby says.
I know she’s talking to me, but I don’t acknowledge her comment because my heart is splintering into a million pieces inside my chest. I can only sit there in a daze and stare at Wesley’s back.
Finally, the doctors come out and tell us that Levi is doing okay.
“Do you want more?” Libby asks, holding out a bag of M&M’s in my direction. My stomach revolts against the offer by gurgling.
Three hours ago, after the doctor came out to tell us that Levi was in his own room and Fawn followed him back, Wesley left to talk to the other officers who had also been waiting for word on Levi. Not long after that, our parents showed up, and Levi’s family arrived. Libby and I have been hanging out in here in the waiting room since.
“So, do you?” Libby jiggles the bag of M&M’s in front of my face.
“No, thanks.” I shake my head.
“Your loss.” She shoves another handful into her mouth before looking at me once more. “Are you going to talk to Wesley after we leave here?”
“I don’t know. I really think I ruined things between us,” I admit while wrapping my arms around my middle. “I . . . I hurt him. I honestly didn’t think that after the way we started that he would want anything more than one night—despite him showing me otherwise time and again. I’ve been so afraid to put myself out there with him that I pushed him away before he could do it first.”
“You should have talked to me and Fawn before Thanksgiving. If you had, none of this would have happened! We could have saved you from all this drama. We could have told you that you were being ridiculous and helped you to remember that any guy would be lucky to have you,” she says.
I feel my face get soft. “You’re probably right.”
“I’m always right.”
“Whatever.” I shake my head.
She gets up and walks across the empty waiting room to the vending machine. She puts in a dollar, then presses the buttons for a soda.
“All I’m saying is that you should talk to him. Tell him the truth about what happened. Tell him that you were worried that he wouldn’t want you, and scared that you would end up hurt.”
“That’s what Miss Ina said.” I sigh, running my fingers through my hair.
“I still can’t believe that you stayed the night with her—and that she didn’t suffocate you in your sleep.”
“She’s actually really nice,” I admit. Libby’s eyes go wide, making me smile. “I think I actually might like her.” I laugh and she snorts, which makes me laugh harder.
“What are you two laughing about?”
Hearing my dad’s voice, I jump out of my chair and rush across the room into his arms. They wrap around me tightly. I close my eyes, soaking in the feeling for a moment. Even though it’s only been a few days since I saw him, I’ve missed my dad and his ability to make everything better.
“Hey, kid.” His arms tighten when mine do, and I feel his lips on the top of my head.
“Hey, Dad.” I tip my head back and smile up at him.
“You okay?” His thumb touches the skin under my eye, and I know he can see the dark circles there, brought on by crying most of the night and waking up way too early this morning.
“I’m okay. Better now that I know Levi will be okay,” I say.
His eyes close briefly. As a cop himself, our dad expressed his concerns when Fawn and Levi first started dating. He reminded not only Fawn but also all of us that being the spouse of a police officer is not an easy job. There’s a risk anytime an officer puts on the badge and leaves the house. But we all told him that there’s a risk anytime anyone leaves the house—especially nowadays. The world is a scary place.
“Where’s Mom?” Libby asks, shoving me out of the way like she’s been doing since the day she was born. She hugs Dad.
“Hey, sweetheart,” he laughs while kissing the top of her head. “Your mom’s with Levi’s mom. They just left to run over to Fawn’s place and get her some clothes. Your sister’s refused to leave Levi’s side.”
“Libby and I could have gone to get her some stuff,” I say.
He smiles at me, reaching out to touch my cheek.
“It’s good they went. They needed to feel like they were doing something useful. Besides, they’ve been driving Levi and Fawn crazy with their puttering around, trying to fluff his pillows and bickering with the nurses about giving him more pain meds when he’s told them he doesn’t need them.”
I laugh. My mom would do that. She doesn’t understand the meaning of boundaries. Levi’s mom seems to be cut from the same cloth.
“Are you and Mom going to stay in the city?” Libby asks before shoving a handful of M&M’s into her mouth.
“We’re staying at Fawn’s place. Levi’s parents are going to stay at his place.” He looks between the two of us, and his face softens. “You girls should head home. They’ll be kicking everyone out before long, anyway. You two can come back in the morning.”
“We’ll just say bye to Fawn and Levi first,” Libby says.
I grab my purse and follow her and my dad down the hall. As soon as we enter Levi’s room, I smile at him.
He presses a finger to his lips, gesturing for us to be quiet since Fawn is asleep on the bed, tucked into his side.
“We just wanted to say we’re heading out. Tell Fawn to call us in the morning.”
I lean down and kiss his cheek, but he grabs my hand before I can lean back.
“Please go check on Wesley,” he says.
I pull back to look at him and swallow when I see the worry in his eyes.
“I will,” I agree.
He lets me go. I watch Libby give him a hug, and then I walk over to my dad and wrap my arms around his waist. I rest my head on his shoulder.
“You okay, kid?”
“Yeah,” I lie, giving him a squeeze before letting him go so he can hug Libby. “We’ll see you tomorrow.”
“See you tomorrow.” He kisses Libby’s forehead and opens the door for us.
Once we’re in the hall, I pull out my cell phone and try to call Wesley. He doesn’t answer. Swallowing over the realization that I may have completely ruined things between us, I pull in a breath and look at Libby.
“I’m going to stop by Wesley’s. Will you be okay getting a cab on your own?”
“Of course.” She reaches over to take my hand, then softens her voice. “Things will be okay.”
“I hope so,” I agree.
She squeezes my fingers, then lets them go as we head through the automatic doors and step outside. We spy a few cabs parked on the curb and both head in that direction.
“Call if you’re not going to be home, so I don’t worry.”
“Sure, Mom.” I roll my eyes.
She laughs while getting into the cab parked behind mine.
When I arrive at Wesley’s place about twenty minutes later, I feel my stomach in my throat. I head down to his apartment door, knock and ring the bell, and wait for him to answer.
Time ticks by. No answer. This lets me know that either he’s really not home or he knows it’s me and doesn’t want to see me. After ten minutes, I give up and wave down a cab. As soon as I’m in the backseat, the driver asks me where I’m going. Without thinking, I give him the name of the bar where Wesley and I met. I know it’s a long shot, but it’s the only place I can think he might be.
“Please be here,” I whisper to myself as I open the door to Charlie’s and step inside.
I scan the crowded room and let out a relieved breath when I spot Wesley sitting at the bar—alone. His shoulders are slumped like he’s carrying the weight of the world on them.
“Do you need some company?” I ask, sliding onto the empty stool next to his.
His head slowly turns my direction.
“What are you doing here?” he asks.
I hate the hurt I see staring back at me. I hate knowing that I’m part of the reason that he’s hurting even more.
“It’s kind of a sad story.” I wave off the bartender when she comes over to ask if I want a drink. I place my purse on the top of the bar. “You see, I messed up with this guy I like. I’ve stupidly been trying to push him away. I thought that if I could end it before he did that I would be saving myself from embarrassment. I thought it was only a matter of time until he figured out that I wasn’t who he wanted.”
“Did he let you push him away?” he asks, holding my gaze.
I duck my head.
“I don’t know yet. But if he does, I deserve it,” I whisper the truth, feeling tears burn my throat.
“He’d be an idiot to let you go,” he says softly. He touches his fingers to my chin to lift my eyes up to his.
Hope fills my chest.
“I’m not sure about that. I’m kind of a pain in the ass, and I have a tendency to run when things scare me,” I say.
He grunts and turns toward me on the stool so that his knees lock around mine.
“Are you done running?” he asks while sliding his hands up my thighs, making my breath catch.
“I’m scared,” I admit.
He closes his eyes and touches his forehead to mine.
“Me too.” His admission catches me off guard, and my body jolts. “But I’m not running, and I need to know that you’re going to give us a chance—a real chance,” he murmurs, sliding his hands around my waist as I wind my arms around his neck to get closer.
“I can do that,” I agree.
He stands, forcing me to stand with him. His hands move to my ass, and he lifts me off the ground.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
“Taking you out of here.” He dips his mouth close to my ear and says, “I need to be alone with you. I need to be inside of you.”
“Oh . . . ,” I whisper.
“Now wrap your legs around my waist and grab your purse,” he commands.
I do as he says, having no doubt that everyone in the bar is watching us.
“So bossy.” I roll my eyes, and he smiles, touching his lips to mine. “Are you still mad at me?” I ask as he carries me out of the bar and onto the sidewalk.
He sticks out one hand for a cab while keeping me propped up against his body with the other one still under my bottom.
“I wasn’t mad. I was disappointed.”
“I think that’s worse,” I admit.
His mouth touches mine once more, but then he makes it even better by sliding his tongue between my lips.
Nipping at my lip, he pulls back. “No more hiding, no more running.”
“No more running,” I say as he helps me into the backseat of a cab that stops. “Are you sure you are ready for my mom to know about us? As you may have figured out when you met her at Thanksgiving, she is insane. Nosy and insane.”
“You said insane twice.”
“Trust me, it should be repeated more than once. I don’t think you understand. She tried to set me up with her fifty-year-old neighbor because she is desperate for grandbabies,” I say, watching his eyes narrow. Rolling my eyes at his reaction, I smack his chest. “I didn’t even talk to him. I couldn’t get you off my mind no matter how hard I tried.”
“Good.”
“You would think it’s good that you’ve taken over my brain,” I say quietly as he lifts my hand and kisses my wrist.
“It’s only fair—you seem to have taken over mine,” he says.
My stomach flutters.
My mind screams, Please don’t be too good to be true!