Ellie skipped up the farmhouse stairs. She had exactly half an hour before she needed to be at the shop to relieve Dee. Just enough time to freshen up after her trip with Mike to another local organic farm who had contacted them about supplying the shop with fresh vine tomatoes, something they didn’t grow at Willow Tree.
The visit had been hugely positive; they’d already drawn up a contract. And Guy Hansard, the farm manager, had given them a list of six other farms, one as far away as the outskirts of Winchester, that had heard about Willow Tree Farm Shop and Café and were interested in filling other gaps they had in their inventory.
After only being in business for three weeks they were already getting a reputation for excellent service and high-end organic produce. It would be a while before they could determine how well they were doing financially, but the excellent customer numbers since the launch showed no signs of slacking and their operating profit in the first three weeks had been beyond all expectations. The shop was still a gamble. A big gamble. But Annie and Tess had made the decision to give up their day jobs last week. Something they were both extremely happy about. And Dee had decided to stop attending farmers’ markets – because so many of her regulars were already coming to the shop.
It was still early days, but so far the signs looked overwhelmingly positive. Securing several grants to ease the cost of the original set-up also meant they had a financial cushion to carry them over any potential shortfalls in January and February when the custom would naturally drop off.
They.
The word slowed Ellie’s step, weighing on her as she entered her bedroom. She was part of this team. Part of this operation. But after a couple of rather tense conversations with Dan on Skype, she’d finally booked her return flights to the US for the end of September. Jacob and Maddy’s wedding was on the ninth, giving her three clear weeks after the wedding to put everything in order to hand over the management of the store to Dee, Tess and Annie. And put all the plans in place for the run-up to the Christmas season.
The Christmas season she was going to miss.
She sat at her dressing table, plucking the last of the pins out of her hair.
Buying the return flights this morning had left her in a bit of a funk. And while the visit to McPherson’s Organic Farm had helped lift her out of it, a little bit, the thought of everything that awaited her in Orchard Harbor in four weeks’ time kept crowding in on her.
She touched her throat, noticing the raw skin from the night before.
And then there was Art.
They’d been sneaking off to the caravan almost every night for the last two weeks. And it had been glorious. Exhilarating and exciting and surprisingly companionable.
The sex had been nothing short of a revelation.
Even in the early throes of her relationship with Dan, when the sex had been plentiful and mostly satisfying, she could see now Dan had been a selfish lover. Making all the decisions about when and where and how much they had. And of course she’d let him, because she was so besotted with him.
With Art it was different. The clandestine dash through the woods at midnight, when she sneaked out to rendezvous with him, was ludicrously exciting because she knew he would be as eager to please her as she was to please him. Together they’d experimented and explored. She felt like a teenager again, but better. As if anything was possible. Young and in lust, but not ashamed to demand her own pleasure.
Perhaps surprisingly though, the quiet moments afterwards, as they basked in afterglow together, before sneaking back to the farmhouse ten minutes apart, had become almost as precious as the orgasms.
Art wasn’t comfortable talking about his past, and she didn’t have any great desire to talk about hers – not that he’d asked – so she’d curtailed her curiosity, but they’d still found so much to talk about. All that basic day-to-day stuff, which Dan had got bored with as soon as she brought it up, Art listened to with genuine interest. Getting his take on her social media plans for the shop, hearing how work on his latest commission was going, chuckling over something daft that Toto or Josh had said or done had been rewarding in ways she never would have expected.
And discovering that Art was a bit of a snuggler on the sly had been almost as much of a surprise as discovering how much she still liked sex.
She sighed as she dumped the last pin on the dresser. If only she could talk about him to Tess and Annie.
Keeping their liaison a secret from everyone made sense, and for the last few weeks the secrecy had been as exciting as those midnight dashes through the woods, but she was starting to feel uncomfortable about pretending nothing was going on. And keeping how much she was enjoying herself from them was next to impossible.
Obviously this affair had no future. She was going back to New York soon, and Art had made it very clear he wasn’t interested in anything more. And neither was she, of course. Long-distance relationships never worked, and she would need all her energy in the months ahead to finalise her divorce, sort out the custody arrangements with Dan, navigate Josh’s situation when his new sibling arrived and find a new place to live – because she had no desire to return to their soulless six-bedroom show home in Orchard Harbor. But even so, what seemed like a simple affair at the outset was starting to become more complicated, and she would love to have had some advice about how to handle it.
She cleansed her face, and re-applied her make-up, ready for the customers.
She was being juvenile. She didn’t need her friends’ input or advice. It was obvious what was going on here.
She had a crush on Art Dalton. They were having awesome sex. And becoming friends. But, ultimately, that’s all this was, a throwback to her youth. She’d been stressed beyond belief when she’d arrived at Willow Tree for the summer, and she’d taken advantage of everything it had to offer. And when she returned to Orchard Harbor her real life would begin again. At least when that happened, she’d have a much better understanding of what she wanted and what she was capable of. And she had Art to thank for that as much as anyone. And four more weeks to enjoy him.
She was staring into the mirror, trying to align her lips in her I-can-do-anything smile before applying a new coat of lipstick when a loud thumping sound made her jump.
What was that? Had it come from her bathroom?
‘Is someone there?’
Could it be Josh? Weren’t he and Toto busy building a new hideout near Maddy and Jacob’s place? Exactly how many hideouts did two kids need?
She heard another muffled thump, definitely coming from the bathroom.
She grabbed her hairbrush off the dresser ready to investigate. Perhaps a squirrel or a bird had got into the room through the window she’d left open in the heat. She whipped the door open, hairbrush raised, ready to do battle with whatever wildlife had invaded her space.
Toto yelped and leapt up from her crouch on the floor, her face ablaze, Ellie’s box of panty liners strewn across the floor.
Ellie lowered the hairbrush. ‘Toto, what are you doing?’ The poor kid looked as if she were about to pass out.
‘Nothing,’ Toto said, not at all convincingly. She had whipped her hands behind her back when Ellie had opened the door, but Ellie had seen the panty liners in her fists.
‘Did you need to borrow some panty liners?’ she asked. Toto was thirteen. It was more than possible she was having her periods already.
Toto shook her head vigorously.
Unfortunately for Toto, she wasn’t a very convincing liar.
But before Ellie could question her further, Toto dropped the panty liners and went to dart past her. Without thinking about it, Ellie grabbed the girl’s arm as she barrelled past. Toto slammed to a stop.
‘You can have them back. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,’ Toto said, as she struggled to get loose, tears leaking from her eyes. She pulled a wad of liners from her pockets with her free hand and tried to shove them at Ellie. ‘Please don’t tell my dad.’
She held on as the girl wriggled and squirmed. ‘Toto, calm down. It’s OK. I won’t tell your dad.’
Why was Toto so scared of Art finding out? If his daughter was having to steal essential sanitary items this was partially his fault. She shoved the thought to one side. Not her concern. And there were more pressing concerns for now. The child was in considerable distress and she could only think of one possible reason for that.
‘Did you start your periods today?’ Ellie asked.
Toto stopped struggling, and tucked her chin into her chest, her breath heaving in and out as if powered by a bellows. Her face was so red now the sprinkle of freckles across her nose stood out like stoplights.
The child’s biceps tensed, as she continued to examine the floor. The nod so tiny, Ellie almost didn’t catch it.
‘How exciting,’ Ellie said, trying to put as much of a positive spin as she could on the news in the face of the girl’s distress. ‘You’re welcome to take all the panty liners you need. But you might need something more substantial. Is there a lot of blood?’ Hopefully dealing with the practicalities would also put the girl at ease.
‘No,’ Toto said into her chest, as if the onset of puberty meant the end of life as she knew it. It might well feel that way to a tomboy like Toto, but it really didn’t have to.
Had anyone spoken to her about menstruation? Wouldn’t Dee have talked to her? Or Art? Surely she would have learned about it at school at least?
Didn’t matter. What she needed was reassurance now. And Ellie was the only one here. She could have waited, to pass the buck to Dee – who was the closest thing Toto had to a mother – but she didn’t want to. She had come to like this child very much, but she’d never quite managed to bridge the gap she’d created that first day between her and Toto. Here was a chance to change that. And she did not want to mess it up.
‘If it’s just a few spots, the panty liners will be fine for now.’
Toto nodded. ‘OK,’ she said, in a small child’s voice.
Ellie’s throat hurt as she drew the girl into her arms. Maybe it wasn’t her place, but the child needed a hug. And she needed to give her one.
Toto’s whippet-thin body stiffened, but then yielded.
‘It’s really not so terrible,’ Ellie said, stroking the sweaty hair back from Toto’s forehead, letting the huge wave of affection wash through her. What must it have been like to grow up with Art as your only parent? While he was a good man and obviously a caring father, she couldn’t imagine he was very in touch with his feminine side.
‘Are you in any pain?’ she whispered against the girl’s head.
Toto shook her head against Ellie’s chest as she nudged closer. Warm hands settled on Ellie’s lower back.
The gush of love slammed into Ellie, bringing back memories of how much she’d missed her own mum when she’d returned to London with her dad, Nicholas.
Her mother had called frequently at first and come down to visit, but Ellie had made things as hard as she could for Dee, still hurt and angry that her mother had refused to come home – convincing herself that she was glad when her mother had finally got the message and stopped visiting.
But her father Nicholas had been no substitute for all the things she’d lost when she’d pushed Dee out of her life. He’d never been the caregiver in the family and he hadn’t really known what to do with Ellie once she’d chosen to return with him to London that summer. So he’d left her to her own devices in the care of a succession of housekeepers, while he carried on as usual, working long hours and dating a succession of glamorous women, some of whom had tried to befriend Ellie, but most of whom hadn’t, thank goodness.
Currently dating one of the junior partners in his architectural firm, who wasn’t much older than Ellie herself, and with no intention of retiring any time soon, Nicholas Preston still lived in the lofty, immaculately maintained semi-detached Georgian house near Hammersmith Bridge where Ellie had grown up. He’d visited her twice during the twelve years she’d lived in Orchard Harbor, both flying visits that he’d squeezed in around business trips. During both visits, he’d spent more time playing golf with Dan than he had hanging out with her and Josh. Which had been fine by Ellie. They had nothing in common, all their conversations polite and superficial. And while Ellie had never become estranged from her father, the way she had from her mother all those years ago, she could see now her relationship with him had simply never been as important to her. She’d contacted him once since arriving in the UK this summer, and their conversation had been as polite and superficial as always – with them both knowing that he’d be unlikely to find time in his schedule to fit in the vague offer of a day out in London with her and Josh. And that neither of them cared enough about seeing each other to press the point.
Thinking about her dad, made her think of Dan. And how alike her husband and her father were, because – whether by accident or design – they had both ended up being hands-off parents.
Unlike Art.
Maybe Art wasn’t the type of guy to talk about menstruation or make sure he was well stocked on teenage sanitary products, but he was entirely present in his daughter’s life. And always had been.
Stop thinking about Art.
Planting her hands on Toto’s shoulders, she eased the child back. The reddened skin on Toto’s cheeks tugged at Ellie’s heart.
Toto was a confused little girl who was having to deal with something she was ill prepared for. Time to start acting like the parent here, even if she wasn’t Toto’s parent.
‘Why don’t I pop into Gratesbury this afternoon and pick up some other supplies for you. Just in case the flow gets heavier.’
‘OK.’ Toto frowned. ‘But don’t get those ginormous things you stick up you. Miss Morely put one in a glass of water in sex-ed and it blew up to the size of a tin can. I don’t think they’ll fit.’
Ellie bit back a laugh at the pragmatic response. Toto might not be a boy, but she was still a lot like her dad. ‘You’re probably right. I was thinking more of some sanitary towels. They’re easy to use and more appropriate for now. And you’ll want one for the night-time.’
‘All right,’ Toto said. Her head swung round and back. ‘But can I keep them in your bathroom?’
‘You can if you want to,’ Ellie said. ‘But it might be more convenient to have them in the bathroom down the hall.’
The anxiety flashed again. ‘I can’t, my dad might see them and freak out.’
‘You know, your dad probably won’t even be surprised. Most girls start their periods around your age, or even sooner. I started mine when I was thirteen, too.’ And thank goodness her mum had still been there.
‘But…’ Toto’s brows drew down. ‘But Miss Morely said when you start your periods you become a woman. I don’t want my dad to know I’m a woman, because it will totally freak him out.’
‘Ummm.’ Ellie was struck dumb for a moment. Art was certainly gruff and moody at times, but she’d seen a softer more playful side to him in the last couple of weeks. And he certainly wasn’t a misogynist. Where would Toto get the idea from that he didn’t want her to be a woman?
‘What Miss Morely probably meant was it’s the first step to becoming a woman, but you’ve got a long way to go yet before you’re an adult,’ she said, keeping her voice as neutral as possible. ‘But anyway, why do you think your dad would freak out? He likes women.’ Ellie felt herself colouring. OK, not cool to be thinking about Art’s lovemaking skills while talking to his daughter. ‘And he loves you,’ she said, trying to pull the conversation back to appropriate. ‘You do know that?’ Is this why Toto was such a tomboy, because she thought her dad wouldn’t accept her if she was a girl?
‘Yeah, of course,’ Toto said, her puzzled look making Ellie feel foolish. ‘He doesn’t say it much, but then he doesn’t say much of anything anyway.’
Ellie almost smiled. This child knew her father better than anyone.
‘But my dad will need to get used to the idea of me being a woman, because, you know, he’s a bit weird about that stuff.’
‘Weird how?’ Ellie asked, confused herself now and hopelessly captivated by this new insight into Art’s personality.
‘Well, he’s never even had a girlfriend,’ Toto said. ‘I wondered if he might be gay, like Dee, but he doesn’t have any boyfriends either, and anyway Dee said he’s not when I asked her.’
An embarrassed laugh got trapped under Ellie’s breastbone. Just the thought of Toto and Dee having that conversation, and what Art would have made of it, had her forcing out a fake cough. ‘Right.’
‘I thought for a bit he might like you,’ Toto said, the serious tone ridiculously endearing, despite Ellie’s discomfort.
‘Why would you think that?’ she asked, trying not to sound guilty.
Yikes, could this conversation actually get any more awkward?
‘Because he looks at you funny sometimes, but Josh says that’s probably just indigestion. And he hardly ever talks to you at all. He talks to Tess and Annie more and I know he doesn’t like them that way, so I guess not.’
Of course he hardly ever talked to her, because they were keeping their liaison a secret. A secret that was beginning to look a lot less than secret. Was Toto the only one who had picked up on those hot looks?
‘I see,’ Ellie said.
She actually wasn’t Art’s girlfriend, not in any real sense, Toto was right about that. But suddenly the relationship they did have – no strings sex as often as their schedules would allow – seemed dishonest and immature. How exactly would they explain themselves to the kids if their secret got out? It wasn’t exactly setting a good example – about how to embark on committed adult relationships.
‘Would you like him to have a girlfriend?’ Ellie prompted.
‘I don’t know. I guess I never thought about it,’ Toto said with unfailing honesty. ‘But I think if he did have a girlfriend, he wouldn’t be weirded out by periods and stuff. And me becoming a woman.’ She paused. ‘You know, eventually.’
‘That makes sense, I suppose.’ A blush blossomed across Ellie’s collarbone.
‘Why don’t you tell him?’ Toto said.
‘Tell him what?’ Because I have now officially completely drowned the thread of this conversation in my own guilt.
‘About periods and stuff. He might not know much about them because he never had a girlfriend and he never reads.’
‘I suppose I could, but he might wonder why I’m telling him,’ Ellie said, thoughts of tangled webs and the problem with trying to deceive swimming through her brain.
Toto considered this for a moment. ‘I know, you can tell him I’ve started my periods. Then I won’t have to tell him.’
‘Me?’ Ellie said, feeling as if she’d just won a Nobel Prize and jumped off a cliff at one and the same time. She was honoured that Toto trusted her enough to tell her father about such an intimate event in her life, but she was also deeply wary of having that conversation with Art.
Yes, they talked about their kids together, but only in the most superficial way. Wouldn’t telling Art about this be stepping over a line? A line they had both agreed they did not want to cross?
And when would she be able to tell him? It was hardly the sort of thing she could mention before or after mind-blowing sex. And they generally avoided each other the rest of the time, so as not to clue anyone into their relationship.
‘You could totally tell him,’ Toto said, warming to her idea. ‘You’re a woman and I think he likes you a bit. You could tell him all that stuff about it not being a big deal and he’d have to believe you.’
‘Well, Dee’s a woman too,’ Ellie said, suddenly keen to find a way out. Stepping over this line would not be good for either one of them. ‘And Art knows her better than me.’ And he certainly trusted Dee more.
‘But Dee’s old, and I know she doesn’t have periods any more. Because I raided her bathroom before I raided yours.’ Toto looked concerned. ‘Don’t you want to tell him? Is he going to be really freaked out?’
‘No, not at all.’ Way to go, Ellie, stop scaring her. Time to get your big girl panties on. ‘I’ll tell him, it’s not a problem.’
‘Wicked.’ Toto’s sudden grin pierced Ellie’s heart.
Whatever mistakes Art had made as a parent, he’d done a terrific job raising Toto. She was pragmatic, open and generous of spirit, but most of all she had more empathy and understanding than people twice her age. She’d been a loyal and enthusiastic friend to Josh, hadn’t judged him by his appearance as so many of the children in Orchard Harbor had. And now when she was facing puberty without a mum, she was more concerned about how her father was going to handle it than how she was going to handle it herself.
‘But don’t tell him until Sunday,’ Toto added.
‘Why Sunday?’
‘Because Dee’s taking me and Josh to see the teen club double bill at Salisbury Odeon. It’s Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Parts One and Two which is like five hours long. If you tell him while we’re gone, he’ll have lots of time to get used to the news before we get back.’
Well, at least that solved the problem of when to tell Art.
‘This is true.’ Ellie slung her arm round Toto’s shoulder, and gave her a quick squeeze. ‘Good thinking, Batman.’
Toto chuckled, the sound sweet and childish and uncomplicated. Ellie’s heart swelled, the pang hitting her square in the chest.
She could do this thing. She must not be a wimp.
All she had to do now was figure out how to get Art alone on Sunday afternoon without anyone seeing them together. And how exactly she was going to broach the subject so that she didn’t freak him out, or freak them both out when his casual sex fling gave him the news that his daughter was becoming a woman.
No problem.