I had borrowed Michael's car a few times over the summer. He was content for me to use it anytime I wanted, but I only took him up on it when I couldn't make other arrangements—like today.
I promised Jacob and a friend of his that I would take them to swim at the pond one last time before I went back to Nashville, and my Mom found out at the last minute that she needed her car to take someone from the church to a doctor's appointment.
Michael happened to be at my house when that conversation with my mom occurred, and he volunteered the services of his Bel Air. Michael had to work, but I took Jacob and his friend out to the pond in the Chevy, and we stayed there all day.
We dropped Jacob's friend off at his house before going to Michael's shop. My brother and I both loved it and had spent a lot of time there that summer. Jacob came with me as often as I would let him, which ended up being about a couple of times a week. I personally saw Michael just about every day for the last nine weeks, which meant that I was officially dreading the time three days from now when I had to head back to Nashville.
Michael and I hadn't made any official plans, but we seemed to have an understanding that we would try to see each other as often as possible after I moved. We probably should have been making more concrete arrangements, but honestly I hated to think about or talk about leaving, so I just put it off.
I walked up to Michael's shop, feeling worn out from a long day in the sun. Michael's name and logo were painted across the entire side of the building, and I stared absentmindedly at it as Jacob and I approached the building.
"Get it, Jacob, Bi-shop," I said, looking at the name. I pointed. "Bi, like two wheels, and shop, like the shop where you buy them."
Jacob studied the sign before letting out a good-natured chuckle.
Michael met us at the door. I wasn't expecting him to be there, so I gasped when I saw him. "Hey," I said with a smile.
I thought he might lean in and give me a kiss on the cheek, which (in recent weeks) had become our standard greeting.
He didn't kiss me on the cheek.
He didn't even lean in.
He gave me a smile, but it was forced.
"Are you okay?" I asked, thinking maybe he wasn't feeling well.
He nodded. "Yeah, I'm good. I'm just tired." He pointed to his car key like he wanted me to hand it to him. "I'll go ahead and give you guys a ride home. I know you're probably ready to get back."
My heart sank at the way he stared through me as if he wasn't even seeing me.
Disconnected.
Distant.
For whatever reason, my ears began ringing. It was as if my body new something had changed between Michael and me, and it physically wanted to shutdown. I felt light-headed as I handed him the key. We walked to the car and sat in it, and the whole thing seemed like a dream.
Michael continued to talk to Jacob and me, but something was different. Something had changed. His sudden shift made me feel desperate and hopeless. I knew something was wrong, and it almost felt as if I was swimming through the whole encounter. I felt a yearning, drowning feeling in my chest and an ache in my jaw.
Michael came to a stop in the driveway, and he turned off his engine. "Night, Jacob," he said, shifting in his seat to regard my brother. "We'll see you later."
Jacob had good social skills, and even though he would have wanted to hang out with Michael all night, he smiled and got to the edge of the back seat so that I could let him out.
Within a few seconds, my brother had climbed out of the car, thanking Michael again for letting us use the Chevy. I adjusted in my seat and closed the door. We watched Jacob run in front of the car toward the house.
"What's the matter?" I asked, trying to look him in the eye. "Michael," I said.
If there was one thing I knew about Michael Bishop, it was that he was real. He had never been afraid to look me in the eyes, and now I could hardly get him to do it. He made eye contact with me and it made him wince as if it literally caused him pain.
"What's wrong?" I asked. "Michael."
"I think we should break up," he said, looking straight ahead.
I stared at the side of his face. "Michael, look at me and repeat what you just said." I knew in my heart that he wouldn't be able to do it. Hope rose up inside me and I held my breath as I waited for him to say he was kidding.
He looked me straight in the eye and said, "Ivy, we need to break up. I'm breaking up with you."
I stared at him in stunned silence.
My ears began to ring, and my eyes burned. I blinked, feeling physically hurt from the heartache.
"Michael, really?" I asked.
Hot tears filled my eyes, and as soon as I blinked, a drop rolled down my cheek.
Michael saw it happen, and he looked away with a pained expression. "I'm sorry, Ivy." It was as if he had to force the words to come out of his mouth—choke them out. "It's just how it has to be."
"So this is it, Michael?" I was trying my best not to cry, but it was impossible to make my voice come out properly. It was warbled and weak, and I barely got the words out. I thought my pitiful delivery might cause Michael to glance at me, but it didn't. He stared straight ahead, wearing a stone-faced expression.
I wanted him to soften.
I wanted him to turn and look at me that way he'd been doing for the last two months.
I wanted him to be that same guy.
But he wasn't.
The Michael I had gotten to know all summer was not in the car with me.
"This is it, Ivy." He answered my question in a slow, measured tone.
"I'm going to get out of the car," I said. I reached for the door handle, but I did it slowly because I wanted desperately for him to stop me. "Michael, look at me. Are you seriously saying you don't want to see me again?"
He turned to stare at me. "Yes," he said. "That's what I'm saying. We can't see each other anymore."
"Why are you saying we can't see each other? Why are you putting it that way? Did something happen?"
"Would you rather me say I don't want to see you, Ivy? Fine. I don't want to see you anymore. It's been fun, but you're going back to school, and we both need to move on."
"Fun?" I asked. I moved in front of him to try to get him to look at me. I had never seen him look so cold and disconnected. He was like a robot—one that could turn on and off his feelings. There was emptiness in his eyes. He had nothing for me anymore. The realization made that desperate feeling in my chest well up so uncontrollably that I cried. My face contorted with tears so violently that I had to cover my face with my hands. I let out a wheezing sob as a rush of emotion took over. I took one deep breath, feeling angrier than I had ever felt in my whole life. My head was buried in my hands, and I hunched over where Michael couldn’t see my face. I took a deep breath and composed myself.
"Michael, I hate you for doing this."
"Don't worry, I hate me enough for both of us," he said.
"But you're still doing it?"
"Ivy, please don't make this harder than it already is. Just go."
I turned to face him when he said that, shaking my head at him when I realized he could hardly bear to look me in the eye.
That was the last thing we said.
Without another word, I opened the door and got out of the car. I had a big bag with me from our trip to the swimming hole, and I was fully clothed, but even still, I felt naked as I closed his car door and walked in front of the car and across the driveway.
It was a nightmare.
I felt a distinct crushing sensation in my chest that made it difficult for me to get a breath of air into my lungs.
My parents were in the kitchen, but I went past them without saying a word. "Hello Ivy," Dad called as I went down the long hallway toward my room.
"Hey," I called back.
I didn't feel like talking, but I knew if I didn't answer, one or both of them would come check on me. I saw Jacob in the hall, and he smiled at me. I tried to smile back but I just couldn't do it.
His face instantly shifted to one of the concern and he tilted his head at me. "Are you okay?" he whispered.
I shook my head as a silent tear fell onto my cheek.
"Is it Michael?"
I nodded.
"What happened?"
I shrugged because I couldn't make the words come out of my mouth.
"Did he break up with you or something?" Jacob asked, still whispering.
I tried to nod, but I couldn't. More tears fell onto my cheeks, and my little brother got the idea that the answer was 'yes'.
"Why?" he asked. "Why would he do that?"
I shrugged.
Jacob craned his neck, looking into his room as if maybe he could still see Michael's car in the driveway, but I knew he was long gone. Jacob put his hands over his face and sighed, shaking his head like he just couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
"It's impossible," he said. "He liked you so much."
"He didn't like me very much in the car just now," I said.
"I could tell something was bothering him, but I had no idea…" Jacob trailed off, not knowing what to say.
I turned and went into my room.
I felt as though the weight of the whole world had come crashing down on top of me. Without Michael, there was a big, gaping hole in the rest of my life. It was as if I had just stepped off the edge of a cliff into a bottomless chasm, and I would just have to free-fall forever.