CHAPTER THREE
Amelia
I looked into his eyes. My heart stopped.
He was ten years older than the last time I saw him, with his hair touched with the barest threads of white, his eyes were gentler, perhaps, the wrinkle at his mouth deeper. He was wearing a cream-colored t-shirt with a casual jacket and navy jeans, his tall form leaned on the door-frame.
“Hello.”
I tensed as his voice washed through me, making my heart ache. It was Carson. He hadn’t changed a bit and I would have known him anywhere. He even smelled the same. He was still the strong, handsome man with the high cheekbones and deep brown eyes I recalled from my teenage years. He still smelled of musk and cologne. And he still made my heart do peculiar things.
Breathe, Amelia.
I breathed. It didn’t help very much. I looked into his eyes, and he looked into mine. I saw his pupils widen and then narrow, the way that they had all those years ago when he saw me, right before he kissed me and lifted me up in those strong arms…
“Hello,” I whispered softly.
He smiled. His lips lifted at the corners, in that slow, shy way I recalled from the day I met him. The way that was surprisingly childlike and so, so sexy at once. My heart clenched tight. This was absolutely not how I’d imagined our first meeting. I had thought we would be angry with each other; aloof, hesitant. The last thing I’d expected was for everything to be just as it had been.
“Are you…”
“How long…”
We spoke at the same time, a habit that spanned a decade. I felt my throat close up, and I smiled, my eyes damp. How long had it been? Yet nothing had changed. The years had washed away the wounds he had made on me, and it seemed they had washed away his intention in saying them.
If he wanted me out of his life, it seemed as if he hadn’t stuck to that plan—his eyes, the small smile, they said the opposite. My body was suddenly on fire and my throat closed up with feeling.
“I heard you’d be here,” I said.
“I was…” he began.
“Mel?” Another voice interrupted it.
I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth as Brett’s voice called out. Whatever Carson had been about to say remained silent as Carson turned in the doorway to face my brother. I sighed.
“Yes, bro?” I asked.
“Who is it? Is it…Oh!”
Brett appeared in the hallway beside me, a tall, fair-haired bundle of enthusiasm and grins. He stared a moment then reached out a hand to Carson, shaking his hand as his other arm wrapped his shoulder.
“Carson! Bro!” He grinned up at him. It was as if nothing had changed, I thought, looking at the two of them; as if they were still in college together and we were all young and invincible with the world before us. Brett was laughing, clapping his friend on the shoulder. Then he turned to me. “Sorry, Mel. I’m being rude again. Carson, look! It’s my sister.”
I closed my eyes. If I had been alone with Brett, I probably would have hit him. At least I would have wanted to, but I didn’t. He surely remembered how much Carson meant to me? How could he be so callous? I opened them again, becoming aware of the silence around me.
“Yes. We said that when I opened the door,” I said carefully. “Hi, Carson.”
“Amelia.”
His voice made my throat tight as I held out my hand, taking his. His eyes met mine. He smiled. He looked, I was surprised to note, nervous. The little grin he gave me seemed to ask a question. Seek approval.
Come on, Amelia. Stop being imaginative. It’s probably tiredness. He’s been driving today.
“Kids?” Brett called to the kitchen. “Look who’s here!”
I heard trainers clattering on the tiles behind me and was relieved to feel Cayley’s hand on my leg. At ten years old, just leaving childhood for the uncertain waters of tweenage, she was a gold-locked angel who stole my heart every time I looked into her eyes. She peered up at Carson.
“Who is it, Daddy?”
Brett chuckled. “Who is it? It’s uncle Carson!”
I laughed as Cayley giggled. “Oh! That’s who! Hello, Uncle Carson.”
We all laughed and I let out a deep sigh. Kids have a wonderful way of easing the tension. And Cayley and Josh are especially good at it. I heard Josh run up to join us, all eager.
“Hello?” he said, pausing in the doorway beside his sister, looking up at the newcomer.
Carson surprised me. He bent down so he was hunkering down to Josh’s level, and shook his hand.
“Hi, Josh. Hi, Cayley,” he said to the kids. “Nice to meet you again.”
Cayley blushed and wrung her hands in her nylon skirt. Josh looked fascinated with him.
“We met you a year ago, uncle Carson,” Cayley reminded him. She still seemed shy.
“So you did,” Carson observed. I was surprised. If Brett had invited Carson here, then he hadn’t told me after he returned from the army.
Looking from Carson to the kids and back again, a small frown on his brow, though he still grinned amiably, Brett chuckled. “Well, come on, guys. Carson! You must be finished after such a long ride here. You want to lie down for a bit? I’ve put you in Josh and Cayley’s room. Amelia was already in the spare room.”
“Oh. Great,” Carson said. He sounded tired in ways he didn’t look. I instantly felt worried for him. I looked at Brett, frowning. He should have a chance to rest: Ideally, he should lie down now. I had almost forgotten what Brett had told me earlier, that he lived in Colorado now. He must have been driving for the whole day. It didn’t show in his appearance, but it was audible in his voice.
“We’ll wait for a while before dinner if you like, Carson?” he said, catching my look.
“No, no. I’ll come down. I’m starved, actually.” He chuckled weakly. I smiled at him.
When he and Brett had gone upstairs, I stood in the hallway. Closed my eyes. I felt awkward and confused, strangely shy.
What am I going to do with myself?
His arrival had shown me something: I couldn’t help it—I still had feelings for him. I had really tried to pretend otherwise. I had, when I arrived at Brett’s home a few hours ago, almost convinced myself that I was indifferent. That seeing him wouldn’t affect me, that I didn’t care. But apparently, I still did. My heart thumped and my face glowed.
He looked like he still has feelings for me.
I shook my head, mad at myself. Stop it, Amelia! I ran my fingers through my loose curls impatiently, fighting them back into a messy bun, and followed the retreating footsteps of Josh and Cayley back to the kitchen.
“Amelia?” Reese, my tall, sophisticated sister-in-law, raised a manicured brow at me from behind the counter. “Was that Carson?”
“Yes,” I replied neutrally.
“Oh! Brett took him up?” she continued, bending back over her work-surface where she was preparing shrimp for the salad.
“He did.”
Reese eyed me curiously as I sank into a chair at the kitchen table, closing my eyes a moment. She seemed to sense I didn’t want to talk, because she ignored me with her own brand of peaceable ease, turning back to her task. I should have offered to help, but my heart was racing and I was sure I wouldn’t concentrate enough not to mess them up.
“Mummy!” Cayley broke the silence, steps loud on the kitchen floor as she walked in. “Can Barbie come for a bath with me?”
Reese laughed and turned imploring eyes at me. “Can you help?” I nodded.
“Come on, Cayley!” I said cheerfully. “Let’s go bath!”
“Hurray!”
We charged up the stairs and straight into Carson, coming down. I blushed. Cayley, oblivious of my embarrassment, surged on ahead. I was left alone, facing Carson silently.
“Sorry,” I murmured, flushing scarlet.
“No,” he said. His voice sounded thick, as if he was speaking through treacle. “I should’ve looked.”
I felt my cheeks flaming. I looked at my hands. We were both standing on the steps, him just a little higher than me. He looked into my eyes. I stared back.
“Carson?” Reese called through the door of the kitchen. “Do you want something to drink?”
He blinked. “Uh…yeah. Coming. Thanks, Reese.”
He stayed where he was and so did I. The air was thick with unspoken words. After an age, which must really have been a minute or two, he cleared his throat.
“Um, Amelia. I…”
“Auntie!” Cayley insisted, clamoring from the top step. “Aren’t you going to come upstairs?”
I smiled apologetically at Carson. He chuckled. I expected him to say something deprecating, but he said nothing, and his eyes watched me as I went up to join the child the look in them held a deep tenderness that surprised me. I swallowed hard.
“Auntie…why were you waiting so long? I want to have my bath now, so we can go and have dinner and then go to bed! Will you tell us a story?”
I sighed. “Yes, Cayley. I’ll come up later.”
“Whee!”
Twenty minutes later, bubbles, rose-scented fragrance and splashes of water all over the upstairs bathroom, I was leading Cayley back down the stairs again to dinner. We were eating later, because of Carson’s late arrival, and at least if the kids were washed and ready for bed they wouldn’t have to stay up too late.
“Mel?” My brother called to me as I came downstairs. “You want to eat now?”
“Yes, please,” I agreed. I walked through to join everyone at the table, and swallowed hard. There was only one seat open, and that was the one beside Carson.
This is absolutely not fair, I thought crossly. It was as if my brother was trying to make me talk to him. I shot him an acid look across the table, but he wasn’t looking in my direction. He was intent on something he held in one hand, a tube of glue in the other.
“…okay, Josh,” he was saying to his son, as they bent over a plastic truck together, “let’s see if it goes now.”
He bent over and put it on the floor and his small son jumped down from his seat and pushed it around, making enthusiastic engine noises. Brett joined in, getting up from his seat and hunkering down with his son. Together they tested his repair-skills. Watching them together brought a pang of tender emotion to my heart. I looked up and saw Carson watching them too. His eyes were soft and he looked as if he felt the same way I did. I was surprised.
“Okay,” Reese said from opposite me, breaking my peaceful thoughts. “Are we going to start eating?”
“Yes!” Cayley said with enthusiasm. We all laughed.
As dinner was served, Brett and his wife chatted to each other, while I helped Cayley get some salad and Carson sat quietly at the end of the table. He seemed to be watching us, but he had a closed, distant expression on his face that told me he was preoccupied with whatever it was he was thinking of. He had always been like that—aloof and brooding.
I never figured out if it was because he was shy or because he’s snobbish.
Now that I thought about it, I still didn’t know. With him it could be either. The Grant family were a proud lot, with a long history of involvement in the military and much more wealth than they let on. Carson had always had that sheen to him that spoke of a wealthy family, and I had always just assumed that his silence was because he believed everyone else in the room was inferior.
“Uncle Carson?”
Carson blinked as Josh, seated opposite him, spoke up.
“Yes?” he said.
“Did Daddy show you our racetrack?”
“Now, son…” Reese said with a long-suffering voice. Carson waved a hand at her, cutting her off.
“No, Josh. I didn’t,” he said kindly. “D’you want to show me after dinner?”
“Yes!” Josh exclaimed loudly. “I got lots of cars to race on it, and tanks and trucks an’…”
“Tanks don’t race, Josh,” Brett said, ruffling his son’s curls affectionately.
“It depends whether they have to get somewhere fast or not,” Carson said with a tender smile. Josh laughed.
“See?” he said, giving his father a sparkling grin. Brett pulled a face at Carson.
“Thanks, Grant.” he said. “My reputation has just been entirely ruined.”
Carson laughed. “Well, they do go fast sometimes…not exactly racing, but there you go.”
“Will you come and play after dinner?” Josh asked Carson hopefully.
“Okay, Josh.”
I bit back a smile. I had never thought Carson would be good with kids. He seemed, if anything, to have more patience with them than adults. When it came to Reese, Brett and I, he was monosyllabic. But with the kids, he seemed ready to open up. It interested me.
I wonder how he’s been, this last year.
Brett hadn’t filled me in on much, I thought with some asperity. He had simply told me the numbers: Carson had been discharged after his eight years in the forces, returning to home last year, round about this time. He lived in Colorado.
None of that told me anything about how he had been keeping, what he had done, his state of mind when he returned. And now that I saw him again, my curiosity for the details had heightened.
“More, Amelia?” Reese asked.
“Thank you.”
I thanked Reese absently as she passed me the plate of baked potatoes, and went back to my occupation of watching Carson out of the corner of my eye.
Hell, but he is sexy. Nothing about him had changed. Everything he did, from the way he licked a spoon to the way he grinned, tingled in my tummy and made my pulse race. I couldn’t help it.
“Amelia?”
“Yes?” I asked Reese, who was opposite me.
“You are enjoying your job?”
“Mm,” I agreed, swallowing the piece of potato I was busy eating. “I still enjoy it.”
“What do you do?”
I turned with some surprise to where Carson looked at me, brow raised. He looked like he was genuinely interested. I swallowed hard. Just those soft brown eyes, lit with gentle interest, set me aflame where they surveyed me.
“I’m an accountant,” I said in a small voice. He smiled.
“Oh! So you did that after all?” he asked.
“Yes,” I agreed.
“That’s good,” he said with approval.
“Thanks,” I whispered tightly through a throat tense with feeling.
I looked sharply away, focusing on my brother where he was peaceably eating salad. I felt as if I was sixteen again, and he was visiting me at my home. It was as if we were just the two of us, discussing our dreams and hopes. He had been studying Sports Science and I had wanted to be an accountant even then. Now I was an accountant for a major building firm—a job that I actually enjoyed for some odd reason—and he had honorably returned from a war. It didn’t make any difference to how we felt.
“Amelia?” he asked.
“Yes?”
“I asked where you worked?”
“Oh!” I chuckled self-consciously and tucked a stray strand of hair back behind my ear, a nervous habit. “Sorry. I wasn’t listening. I mean, I…I work for Brax Construction.”
“Oh!” He sounded impressed. “Like, they do buildings?”
I laughed. “Exactly like that.”
“Oh.” He chuckled. “Sorry. I’m being dumb.”
“Not really.”
He laughed. I laughed too. It was only when Cayley shifted in her seat, the sound of the leg on the tiled floor making a loud squeak, that I realized the whole room was silent. I looked around, feeling self-conscious.
“Um…Reese…the toilet’s in the hallway, right?” I asked. I was fairly certain I knew where it was. It wasn’t that long ago since I’d visited my brother, and I’d been there since five, but it was the only way I could think of getting out of an awkward situation.
“Sure. By the stairs, on the left,” Reese said automatically.
“Thanks.”
I beat a hasty retreat, heart pounding in my chest. When I got to the bathroom, I sank down against the door, sitting on my heels.
“This is going to be hectic.”
I closed my eyes, half-wishing I had stayed at home, that I was a thousand miles away, even if that meant being in the ocean. I would just about rather have risked the sharks than been here at my brother’s table, with ten years of latent attraction welling up.
How am I going to manage this for a week?
I swallowed. It might get easier. It has to. I couldn’t spend seven days feeling as if my heart was being shot at every time I looked up and caught those soft brown eyes on me, saw that handsome mouth turn up at the corners, broodingly.
I would have to figure out a way of coping with it. Ignoring him would probably work, I reasoned. Making sure I wasn’t seated beside him at dinner or any other time. Avoiding him in all aspects.
I stood up and washed my hands, then headed back to the dinner table.
“…and then I told him we should start our own company…”
Brett was talking to Carson now, telling the tale of how he had started in the firm where he now worked, and in which he was a partner. I had heard the story before, so I forced my attention away from the strange magnetism Carson exerted.
“You have two weeks off, you said, Reese?”
For the rest of the dinner I focused my attention on my sister-in-law, chatting with her about her job, her sister, the plans for Christmas day. I didn’t look at Carson; tried to forget he was there. The only time I let myself remember was when I was standing up to take the kids upstairs for their story. Then I turned and caught him looking after me with that tender gaze. I swallowed hard and wondered, not for the first time that evening, whether he still felt something for me as I did for him.
I couldn’t know the answer to that question. All I could know for sure was what I felt myself. And that itself was different to anything I had experienced before.
Since I heard from Brett, I had expected to feel resentment, anger, hurt. I had arrived prepared for all those things, to quietly pretend Carson wasn’t there. I was ready to cope with the morass of pain that I expected his presence would awaken inside, but it hadn’t. The moment I opened the door and looked into his eyes, all those years of being angry had dissolved, instant and absolute, and only what was true remained. The truth is that I still love Carson Grant. The truth I couldn’t know was whether or not he felt the same way. As we all stood, helping to pack the dishwasher and retire to bed or the sitting room, I wondered, not without some hope, if I might find out.