Chapter Thirty-Three - Smith
“So tonight?” I’m trying my best to be cool with this, but I’m not cool with this.
“That’s what she told Quin.”
Chella made herself very clear the other night. She wants to experience the four of us together. The quad, as we like to call it. And I’ll admit, this was my aim as well when we first started the game.
But I’m not sure anymore.
“I know what you’re thinking,” Bric says. “And I don’t think it’s fair.”
“No,” I say. “You wouldn’t. Because you want this.”
“You want it too.”
“I did, now… now so much.”
Bric throws up his hands. We’re sitting in my bar at the Club. Quin and Chella are out… doing something fun today. “So back out, Smith. Call the game. End it. We won’t care if you do.”
I know he won’t. Quin, maybe. But Bric’s not a grudge holder. He’s not invested in very much, if you ask me. But who asked me?
“We’ll get over it. Find a new girl.”
“I don’t want a new girl, Bric. I’m out.”
He doesn’t bother throwing up his hands. He doesn’t even shrug. “So do it. Leave. But she wants it, Smith. And that’s the only thing that matters at this point. She wants it. So you better think about that. If you call the game she might be mad at you.”
“Then maybe that’s how it has to be?”
“Maybe you’re just being juvenile?”
“Maybe I’m just in love?”
“Maybe she’s not in love with you back?”
Burn. “She is,” I say. But I’m not really as sure as I sound.
“How many ways can I explain this to you, Smith? Let’s use Rochelle as an example. She left. Why?”
“She was done?”
“With Quin?” he asks. “I don’t think so. She left to end the game and start over. Quin told me Chella found some secret room up in the attic of her apartment. Rochelle’s secret room. There’s a lot of stuff up there about starting over. Rochelle had to leave the game in order to do that. It doesn’t mean she never cared about me or you and it doesn’t mean she’s not in love with Quin. It means… The game. Is. Over. That’s it. I’m almost positive she’s coming back. Not to us, but to Quin. She just needs to sort things out first.”
“Chella isn’t Rochelle. Not even close. She’s not… weird, for one. And she’s not desperate for anything.”
“How do you know?”
I’m irritated. “What do you mean how do I know? Chella is fucking wealthy. Probably has more money in her trust fund that you make in ten years. She’s loaded.”
“And you, of all people, understand that money isn’t happiness.”
“So what is she desperate for?” I ask. “I’m interested, Bric. I am. So if you know something—”
“I don’t know anything except she’s here, Smith. With all three of us… Perfectly willing to go along with the rules and play the game. And she wants to finish it. I’m betting you money this is over in a week. So why not let her get what she came for and then you can both skip out and start over?”
I’m silent as I think this through. “What if we can’t start over?” I ask him. “What if, after we finish the game, I can’t let it go?”
“Then you’re a dumbass.”
I sigh.
“You’re a dumbass because she’s not in love with me, Smith. She’s not in love with Quin. If she’s interested in any of us, it’s you. And, while I’m in the mood to let it all out, I’ll just say it would be completely one hundred percent selfish of you to deny her the end she’s looking for. She’s here. She needs it to end the way she envisioned it in her mind. If she doesn’t get that, who’s to say she won’t go looking somewhere else?”
I can’t even picture that in my head. Not because I can’t picture Chella doing it, but because I would kill someone.
“If this is what she wants,” Bric continues. His tone is softer now. More understanding. “Isn’t it better to let her do it with us than complete strangers?”
I let out a frustrated breath of air.
“She’s got problems. We all know that. And she’s working them out using us and the game to do it. Don’t take it personally, Smith. It’s not about you right now. It’s about her. Let her do it her own way, in her own time.”
“I’m jealous,” I admit. “I’m fucking jealous.”
“Of me?” He laughs. “Of Quin? Why?”
“I don’t want you to touch her.”
He turns his head away, done with me. “Do what you want. But you’re being shortsighted. She already belongs to you and if you need Quin and me to defer to you tonight, we will.”
He looks back at me. Stares hard at me.
“You’d let me run things? Somehow I can’t picture that.”
“I don’t care, Smith. That’s the part you refuse to see. I do not care. I just want a good, dirty fuck with you, and Quin, and Chella. I’m pretty sure that’s all Quin wants too. Just a nice, filthy fuck to end the game. So plan it however you want. As long as we’re all satisfied at the end, I’m OK with it.”
He stands up, buttons his suit coat, and then points down to the lobby. “I’m having lunch with Lucinda and her husband today.”
I lean over the balcony railing to look down. Lucinda and her husband are talking to a crowd of people just inside the White Room. “Why?”
“I dunno. They want to talk. Quin’s bringing Chella upstairs to my place at eight. See you then.”
He walks off. I watch him as he descends the stairs and then shakes the husband’s hand. Funny how I don’t even know that guy’s name and they’ve been members here for more than eight years. Bric gives Lucinda a quick kiss on her cheek and then they walk into the restaurant and disappear from my view.
Give Chella what she needs. What does she need? It’s fucking killing me because I know Bric’s right about Chella. She is here for a reason and she has refused to tell me what it is. Any of us. I have relentlessly questioned Quin about it for over a week now. He says he has no idea. And like Bric, he doesn’t care.
How can I love a girl who wants to fuck my two best friends at the same time?
I laugh out loud at that. Really, I am the biggest hypocrite ever. There have been other girls who thought they loved me. Thought being the important word in that sentence. I never loved them, so it couldn't be love. Love is not one-sided. Love has to come from both ends at the same time. Romantic love, at least. It’s not the same as loving a child who’s disconnected. Or a parent who fucked you over. I don’t think I ever loved my parents, but maybe they loved me. I guess it’s possible. Though doubtful.
That makes me wonder about Chella’s father. She was a little upset about the way he went about severing their ties, but not the way a child should be. Maybe she doesn’t love him?
How did her family get so screwed up? I have to wonder, because he’s been in public life for twenty years and not once was there a scandal about his family life. No secret mistress, no cheating wife. Chella has no criminal record. She didn’t lash out or rebel as a teenager. Of course, her past has been scrubbed, so what do I know about her? What do I really know about her?
I know she’s dirty.
Which makes me smile. Bric’s right. We play this little game for the payout. The asymmetrical quad fucking is the prize. And I like it. I do. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have invested so much time and energy in these girls over the years.
She’s very sexual, although I haven’t really had the chance to see all of that side to her. Bric has seen her more sexual than I have. Quin has seen a lot more than either of us.
I just want something of my own for once.
And even thinking that makes me feel a little selfish. I have been given so much in this life. I do not deserve more. I really don’t. I shouldn’t even want Chella for myself. It’s breaks all my rules.
But... I do want her for myself. I wasn’t lying to her father last week. I want to own her. Keep her. Not like a house, though.
I try and work this out in my mind but it’s difficult to come to terms with. To justify.
It should make me feel good to give them the night we’ve been working towards.
It just… doesn’t.
I’m so fucking afraid that we’ll get to the end of the game and I… I won’t want her anymore. What would I do then?
I can’t even picture myself in another game at this point.
I don’t know what I’ll do, but this—I look around the Club. This place has my life for a decade. It’s my home. Well, it was my home until I moved in with Chella.
I have spent almost all of my adult life getting by on the generosity of others. And I’m lucky because Bric and Quin are very generous with me. They give me whatever I want. So much, I never thinking about not having enough. I never wonder anymore if people will provide me with the things I need. It just… comes.
Don’t I owe Quin and Bric the same consideration? Don’t I owe them that much, at least? And shouldn’t I think this through a little more before I give up everything I’ve worked towards all these years?
Take Rochelle, for example. I never liked her much. I put up with her. I fucked her plenty of times with Bric and Quin. But never alone. I didn’t like her alone. And I knew that pretty quick once we all got together.
What if my feelings for Chella change after tonight?
Yes, it’s better to know that up front, I decide.
So I down my drink, throw down some bills as a tip for the bartender, and go home to think about this alone.
Plan it out, I guess.
What I’ll do to her. What I’ll make her do.
And if this love isn’t real, I’ll know.
I’ll deal with tomorrow… tomorrow.
That’s what I always do, right?
There’s always tomorrow.