Chapter Forty - Chella
“How are you feeling now, Chella?” Dr. Chatwell asks me.
I’m lying on her couch in her office. The lights are dim and the curtains are closed to keep the sunlight out. She gave me a light sedative. To help me cope, she explained.
“Very stupid,” I answer honestly.
“Why?”
“Because you warned me.” She did too. She told me it would be a very messy exit. And I don’t think they come any messier than that. “And I refused to believe you. I thought I could handle it.”
“Did something bad happen last night?” she asks in her calm voice.
“Not at first. At first it was…” I sigh, thinking about it. “Wonderful. Just how I thought it would be.”
“Just like the fantasy you imagined?”
“Yes.”
“And where did things start to go wrong?”
“I blacked out, I think. Near the end.”
“Why?”
“It felt good.”
“That’s it?” she asks.
“It was perfect and wonderful. And it just felt… it felt…”
“It made you feel something?” she offers.
“Yes.”
“What did it make you feel, Chella?”
“Happy,” I say, trying not to cry.
“And why do you think that you blacked out at that point?”
“Because feeling good about sex is wrong.”
“But we know that’s not true, right?”
I nod, drawing in a deep breath. “It’s the shame. The shame my mother made me feel about it all growing up. It’s natural. And if consenting adults agree, it’s normal, no matter how they like it.”
She’s silent, but I know her well enough to understand she’s nodding her head at me.
After seven years of being on her couch, trying to work all this shame out of my fucked-up mind, I know her just as well as she knows me. And we’ve been over this a million times.
I am consumed with shame. My mother put it in my head for over a decade. She subjected me to relentless ostracizing and punishments. My father refused to stop her. And yes, it’s all their fault… but I’m the only one who can make it go away.
“I don’t think Smith, or Quin, or Bric are the problem here. Do you?”
“No,” I admit. “They’re not. I am.”
“Do you remember the session we had just before Rochelle left?”
“We taped it.”
“Yes. And we promised each other that we’d watch it together when things got bad. To understand why the two of you made these decisions.”
“But Rochelle’s gone.”
“We don’t need Rochelle to work on you, Chella. Do you want to watch it? So you can get some perspective? Remember why you wanted to play that game to begin with?”
I’m silent. I don’t know if I want to see that tape. I don’t know if I can handle it. I was so sure I was… cured. Even though I knew then, and I know now, I don’t have a disease. I can’t be cured because there is nothing wrong with me. It’s all in my head. My mother’s voice. Her disapproving looks and comments. Her—
“We don’t have to,” she says in her conciliatory tone. “But you were excited. Remember?”
I nod, my eyes trying to close tighter.
“You were ready. And it was Rochelle who was crying that day, remember?”
“I know why now,” I sob.
“Why, Chella?”
“Because they’re really good guys. She didn’t want to leave them. Not even Smith. She wanted things to be different and she didn’t know how to do that so she had to leave to figure it out.” I stop to breathe for a few moments. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize…”
“Didn’t realize what?” she prods.
“I just didn’t expect to like them.”
“You thought it would easy? And you’d develop no feelings for them?”
“Yes,” I say, barely a whisper.
“I like them too. But we need to move on now and decide what you’re going to do.”
“About what?” I ask, opening my eyes.
“Well,” she says. “You told me you had two things left on your checklist that were needed to help yourself heal. From the past. You wanted to confront your father, which you did. Very nicely, Bric tells me.”
“You talked to Bric?”
“He’s in the waiting room right now. But let’s concentrate on you for a moment more. You confronted your father with who you are and what happened to you. What your mother did to you. How do you feel now? Do you wish you hadn’t done that?”
“No.” I smile.
“Are you proud of yourself?”
“Yes,” I say, sitting up. My head is pounding, so I massage my temples with my fingertips. “I wish I could say it all again, only this time not cry.”
“I think the crying made it more effective. Because it was you showing him how badly you were hurting.”
“True,” I concede.
“And you needed to live that final sexual fantasy that you said, and I quote, ‘makes me feel dirty.’ Do you think it was dirty, Chella?”
“No,” I say, lifting my head to look her in the eyes. “I don’t. Not at all. It was… nice.”
“Do you want to do it again?”
I shake my head. “No. It’s not dirty, but it’s very confusing.”
She smiles at me. “I would agree. You know, I had a meeting with Bric the other day to tell him Clark and I were withdrawing our membership. We’re ready to move on as well. In fact, we’re leaving for Europe next month. We’re going to spend six months just traveling and having fun.”
“You bitch,” I say. “What will I do without you?” I laugh, but I’m really not kidding. She’s been my rock for seven years.
Lucinda just smiles at me. “You’re done, Chella. You set out to heal yourself and now you’ve done that.”
“But that was a catastrophe, Lucinda. It was a disaster. In public, for fuck’s sake.”
“Do you think these things end with a whimper?”
“But my longing?” I say. “It’s still there!”
She laughs at me. “Who do you long for?”
“Who? It’s the dirty sex I long for. You know this. I’ve been coming here all these years trying to get rid of it. But these guys… these guys just made me like it more. I might not want to do it with all three of them, but I definitely don’t see myself in the missionary position the rest of my life.”
She laughs again. “Your longing is normal. And completely under control, Chella. I think if you had confronted your father first, your experience would’ve ended the way you envisioned. You walking out satisfied and happy. But the two got mixed. The end result, however, is still positive. You went looking for your final answers and you got them. Now it’s time to settle down, think about it for a little bit. And make a decision.”
“What decision?” I ask.
“Do you love Smith Baldwin? Or were all those conversations we had about him over the past month just some silly crush?”
I just stare at her.
“Don’t worry.” She smiles. “I’m not the one who needs to hear that answer. Take your time and think about it. Then… go find him. Give him that present you promised.”
“He’s gonna think I’m insane and stupid.”
“He’s going to laugh,” she says, smiling. “And give you a great big hug. Now let me bring Bric in. He’s out of his mind with worry.”
I stand up as she goes to the door. She doesn’t invite him in immediately, but instead closes the door behind her so they can have a preliminary chat. I hope I don’t look like shit. I feel like shit… But I really don’t want to look like shit.
A few seconds later the door opens. I turn and find Bric, closing it behind him.
“I’m sorry,” I say before he even says hello. “I’m sorry it ended that way.”
He smiles at me and takes in a deep breath. “It was your story, Chella. You can have it end any way you want.”
“Do you hate me? For telling Quin?”
“Why would I hate you for telling the truth?” he says. And then walks over to me and pulls me into a hug. “I don’t hate you. It had to come out. Somehow, some day. He had to know what happened. She came to me late last summer and told me she was pregnant. I was… a little stunned. And I don’t know if you ever knew this about me, but I went to school with Lucinda. We were in med school together.”
“You’re a doctor?”
“No,” he says. “I never finished my residency in psychiatry. I quit and never went back. Smith came into my life like a fucking tornado with all these big ideas about saving the world. I’m not a doctor, but I play amateur when people have issues at the club. I send them all to Lucinda, of course—she’s the Club psychiatrist and it’s mandatory, anyway. I sent Rochelle to her almost two years ago, when she was thinking about leaving us. I didn’t want her to leave. I liked her well enough. And knew Quin liked her a lot. I just wanted to keep things the same. I’m a man of habit.”
“And then I came along and fucked it up.”
“No,” he says. “You didn’t. And I’m relieved, actually. Now Quin and I can figure it out together. Like we should’ve last summer.”
“Is he talking to you?”
“No.” Bric laughs. “But he will. Eventually. Friendships can endure a lot. Even this, I hope.”
“And Smith?” I ask.
“He’s gonna give you the space you need.”
“Did you order him to do that?”
“I don’t give Smith Baldwin orders, Chella.” He laughs. “It was his idea. And don’t jump to conclusions and think that he wants to walk away. Just take your time and then go find him.”