Damian
That memory rolled through my mind on an endless loop as I sat on the cabin porch drinking a beer. After leaving Cara's place, I'd gotten some supplies and headed up to an old family cabin nestled away in the woods. It was secluded – no neighbors around for miles – and it was quiet. It was a place a man could sit and think.
And knowing that my head wasn't even close to being on straight, I needed some time to sit and think.
I'd spent the last few days hiking through the woods. Reading. And of course, sitting out on the deck, watching the sun go down and drinking a lot of beer. Sometimes, self-medicating was the best way – or at least, the only way – to deal with the demons screaming inside my skull.
What had happened with the Fantasmas that night – what Mills had done – had brought all kinds of nasty memories rushing back to the surface of my mind. And the state of mind that had left me in wasn't pretty.
Watching Mills gun down the Fantasmas that night was almost exactly like watching Barton gun down our terp in Afghanistan. The end result was the same – death. Unnecessary death.
Overall, I'd enjoyed my time in the military. I'd enjoyed that sense of camaraderie and brotherhood. I hadn't always enjoyed the things I saw or the things I did, but that was life. You weren't going to enjoy everything, every single minute of the day. But I'd never felt as at home as I had among my brothers in arms.
Which was why, upon rotating home and out of the service, I'd gravitated to a group like the Kings. I had no family to speak of and found myself missing belonging to a group. I'd briefly considered going back to the military but rejected the idea almost as quickly. I loved the camaraderie, but the violence and bloodshed – sometimes completely unnecessary – came to be too much. Far too much.
The wounds of war had left deep scars that I was still grappling with. I'd done a decent enough job of coping, but the scene at the barn with Mills and the Fantasmas had ripped the scab right off that wound all over again.
I had just finished my beer when I heard the unmistakable sound of a bike coming down the long dirt lane that ran from the highway to my front porch. I sighed and shook my head. Apparently, I wasn't entitled to some peace and solitude. At least, not for long, anyway.
Crank's bike roared into the dirt driveway in front of my porch. I gave him a nod and a small smile. Of all the people to come down that road, Crank was the least objectionable to me. Not that I wanted him – or anybody – up at the cabin right then, but what was I gonna do?
“You're a hard man to find,” Crank said.
He walked up onto the porch and dropped down into the chair beside me. I pulled another beer out of the cooler and handed it to him. He twisted off the top, gave me a small nod, and took a long pull.
“Not hard enough, apparently,” I said.
“You're not answering your phone.”
“Notice that, did you?”
“Yeah, a few people have, actually.”
I took a drink of my beer and looked out at the forest in front of me. The sunlight streamed through the trees, and I could see birds flitting from one branch to the next. It was peaceful. Tranquil. It was my little slice of sanity.
“Didn't much feel like talking to anybody,” I said.
“Yeah, I got that.”
I nodded and took another pull of my beer. “Not to sound like an asshole—”
“But you're about to sound like an asshole anyway.” He laughed.
I grinned and nodded. “Yeah, probably. But what are you doing here?”
He shrugged. “I was worried about you. Thought I'd come and check in.”
“I'm fine. I'm good. Just takin' a little time to relax. Unwind.”
“Yeah, that's bullshit, brother,” he said. “We both know it. But I wanted to give you a little time. A little space.”
“And I appreciate that.”
He looked over at me with an earnest look in his eyes. “This isn't Afghanistan, man.”
“You think I don't know that?”
“Do you?” he asked. “Because from where I'm sittin’, it's looking an awful lot like you're blaming yourself for what happened over there – and in that barn. Again.”
I felt that familiar, heavy weight of guilt settling down around my shoulders once again. It was a weight that I'd been carrying for years – one that I'd grown accustomed to. In fact, I was so used to it, I wasn't sure what it felt like to not have it on me.
And that weight never got lighter. It only ever got heavier as one thing after another was added to the pile of guilt that was as part of me as my arms were.
“What happened in that barn is no more your fault than what happened over in the shit was, man,” Crank said.
I gave him a rueful little laugh. “Yeah, actually it was. It was all my fault. There and here.”
“How do you figure?”
I looked over at him, the expression on my face that of a parent explaining the obvious to their child. But I did my best to not snap at Crank – none of how I was feeling was his fault. Not at all. And though it would have been easy to do, I was doing my best to avoid lashing out.
“Over there – I was in charge that day,” I said.
“Yeah, for all of two minutes after we found out the Lieutenant had been killed. Two damn minutes, man.”
“Still, I was squad leader. I should have been in control,” I said, images of that day flashing through my mind. “I should have anticipated something like that happening. I knew Barton was all kinds of fucked up and yet, I didn't put him on the bench. I left in him the game. And the kid snapped. No matter how you slice it, that's on me. All of those deaths are on me.”
Crank shook his head. “That's bullshit,” he replied. “And if you were in your right mind, you'd be able to see that freely.”
“You call it bullshit, I call it truth. I should have anticipated. I didn't.”
He sighed. “And the barn? How is that your fault?”
“Because that was my plan. We wanted to draw Mendoza out, so we used Cara as bait. Obviously, it worked. I just didn't anticipate that Mills was going to do what he did.”
“Who could have anticipated him going full on psycho like that?” Crank asked. “Nobody saw that coming. Me included. Does that make it my fault?”
I shook my head. “Of course not. You weren't the one who put that all into motion to begin with. That was me.”
“The point is that you didn't know Mills was going to go off any more than you knew Barton did,” he said. “None of this is your fault, bro. None of it. And sitting up here in your fortress of solitude getting shitfaced and strapping on even more guilt than you’re already carrying isn't doing you any favors.”
I shrugged. “Not supposed to. I'm just trying to figure out how to get past it all. How to cope with everything that happened.”
Crank drained the last of his bottle and tossed into the trashcan. “Maybe you need to lean on somebody.”
I shook my head. “Told you already, shrinks aren't for me, man.”
“Not talking about a shrink.”
“Then who are you talking about?”
Crank looked over at me – this time, it was his turn to speak as if explaining the obvious to a clueless child.
“You have a good woman who cares a lot about you,” he said. “She's worried sick about you, brother.”
I sighed. Cara. I felt bad for everything I'd put her through. Felt bad for everything I'd gotten her mixed up in. She'd been trying to live a quiet, peaceful life with her son and I came through like a wrecking ball and upended everything.
Yeah, just another log on the bonfire of guilt burning away in my soul.
“I've put her through enough,” I said. “I don't want to keep draggin' her into our shit.”
“She wants to be there,” he replied. “By your side. For whatever reason, she cares about your stupid, stubborn ass.”
I sighed again as I thought about her. I'd been trying to keep her at an arm's distance and keep myself from getting too attached to her. But there was something about her – and that boy of hers – that kept drawing me back in. As I thought about her, I realized that I cared about the both of them more than I cared to admit.
But the truth of the matter was that I felt good when I was with them. I felt happy. Complete. When I was with them, I was able to leave a lot of my normal cares and worries behind. I was able to just live and think in the moment. I could just be me – and that was enough. That was okay.
I didn't want to be selfish or bring those influences into her life that she'd worked so hard to keep Austin away from – so I stayed away. I didn't want to let myself get too close to her for fear of being hurt myself.
However, hearing Crank say that she cared about me – that changed things in my head. At least, a little bit. It sent a small spark of hope shooting through me, igniting something in my chest – and I could feel a light growing in the darkness of my heart.
“Yeah?” I asked. “And how would you know that?”
He looked over at me, a small grin tugging at the corner of his mouth. “Why in the hell do you think I'm out here?” he asked. “She asked me to come up here and check on you. Make sure you didn't eat a bullet or something. I told her you were too much of a narcissistic dick for that, but she wanted me to check anyway.”
I chuckled and shook my head. I could always count on Crank to give me a laugh – even when things seemed really dark and bleak. Like now. I had to admit, although I craved solitude, having Crank there wasn't a bad thing. And hearing that he'd talked to Cara really piqued my curiosity.
“When did you see her?” I asked.
“Yesterday. We had coffee and a long talk. She's a good woman, man.”
The ghost of a smile touched my lips. Cara was a very good woman. I felt fortunate to have her in my life. Or rather, had her. I couldn't keep dragging her into my shit. She had enough on her own plate to deal with. The last thing she – or Austin – needed was me in their life.
“She is a good woman,” I said softly. “Too good for me. I can't keep doing this to her. I won't.”
“Doing what, man?”
“Putting her life in danger for one thing. She and Austin don't need that shit, man. She's worked so hard to keep that element – to keep us – out of her and Austin's life. I can't keep throwing her into the middle of our shit.”
“What if she wants to be there?” Crank asked. “By your side. Doesn't she get a say in what she does and doesn't allow into her and Austin's life?”
I shrugged. “Not when it comes to putting their lives at risk. I have to make that decision for her.”
“That's bullshit, man,” he replied. “You don't get to make all the decisions for her. Cara gets to decide what's best for her. That's not for you to say.”
“It is when she's obviously not thinking very clearly or objectively.”
He laughed and shook his head. “Yeah, and you are?”
“I'm a lot more objective than it sounds like she's being. I can see the danger, and I want to keep her safe.”
“That's not your call to make, bro. Cara is a big girl who can make her own choices. You need to respect her enough to let her do it.”
I drained the last of my bottle and tossed it into the trash can where it hit with a loud clatter. I respected Cara. Believed that she was a strong woman, more than capable of making her own choices. But I also knew that if she did indeed have feelings for me, it might cloud her judgment. And with Mills still out there – and me not knowing what I was going to do about him yet – there was still danger lurking.
I couldn't put her in the line of fire again. I wouldn't.
“Why are you pushing me so hard on this, man?” I asked. “Why are you trying to tie me to Cara?”
He smiled and drained the last of his own bottle. I reached for another and handed him one. We took the tops off and took a long pull. Crank stared out at the forest, at the sunlight as it started to slip away, signaling the end of another day.
“For the first time since I've known you,” he said, “you have something good in your life. Something positive.”
I couldn't deny what he was saying. My life to that point had pretty much been one big shitshow. Cara and Austin were bright points of light in my life. The first I'd ever had, really. There was just something about being around them that made me happy. Content.
“I really want to see you happy, brother,” Crank continued. “You are one of the best men I've ever known, and you deserve a slice of goddamn happiness. And whenever you're around those two, I can see that you're happy. I can see something… this… this… light inside of you I've never seen before. You need to hold on to that, man. Because I can see that you're headed down a real dark path here. You need to find your way back to that light. And the only way you're gonna do that is with Cara and her kid.”
I sighed and leaned back in my seat. I heard what he was saying, and deep down in my bones, I knew he was right. But I was caught between wanting to be with her and wanting to protect her. I didn't think I could do both.
“Seriously, bro,” Crank said. “You need to go down and be with her. She wants to be with you, man. You guys – for whatever reason – are good together. Don't let your fears control you, man. Let it go.”
“My fears?”
Crank nodded. “Yeah, your fears. I can see it on your face – you have something good for once in your life, and you're afraid of fucking it up. So, you're doing your damnedest to push her away. Don't think I can't see right through you, brother.”
I looked over at him and grinned. “I'm always afraid of fucking things up.”
“Yeah, but this is different. Stop deflecting.”
“When did you become a junior shrink?” I asked.
“I learned a few things along the way.”
“Apparently so.”
He looked at me, his expression stern. “I'm serious, bro. Go be with Cara. She needs you as much as you need her.”
I took another long drink. “Thanks for comin' up here, man. Means a lot to me.”
“I'm always here for you, brother,” he said. “Always.”