Cara
I sat in the park watching Austin play near the jungle gym. He was laughing with a small group of kids as they ran around like maniacs. Seeing their unfettered joy in just being kids brought a smile to my face.
Some of the other mothers sat on benches nearby – women who used to sit and talk with me. But given the fact that over the last few weeks Damian and his boys had made a habit of stopping by to check on me, the other women now wouldn't even talk to me. Wouldn't even look at me. Although, I knew from having spent time with them before, that they were sitting over there whispering all kinds of garbage about me. That's just what they did.
Some people had nothing better to do than stir up and spread bullshit rumors.
I looked up into the cloudless sky, admiring the deep shade of blue and enjoying the warmth on my skin. I closed my eyes and just let the sunlight wash down over me, trying to clear my mind of everything that was spinning through it.
Of course, most of what was running through my mind was about Damian. It had been a couple of days since Crank had gone up to see him – and still nothing.
When I felt somebody sit on the bench beside me, I opened my eyes and turned – immediately feeling my breath catch in my throat. Tears welled in my eyes – though I bit them back ruthlessly. The last thing I wanted was to sit there bawling in front of him.
“Hi Cara,” Damian said. “I've missed you.”
“I've missed you too,” I said as a lone tear raced down my cheek. “H–how are you? I've been worried about you.”
He reached out and wiped the tear away with his fingertip, giving me a soft smile. “I'm okay. How are you doing?”
The smile on my face felt awkward, but it was genuine. “I'm okay. I'm good.”
We sat in silence for a moment, just soaking one another in. He looked… different. He'd cleaned himself up; trimming his hair and beard. He wasn't wearing his kutte, either. Instead, he was wearing a flannel shirt and jeans. For the first time since I'd known him, Damian didn't look like a stereotypical biker. In fact, he looked good. Very, very good.
“Going for lumberjack chic?” I asked, pointing to his clothing.
He shrugged. “Trying something new, I guess.”
The other women in the park looked over at me, and I couldn't help but see them looking Damian up and down. He was a good-looking man, there was no question. And cleaned up like he was, made him even more good looking, in my opinion.
“It's good to see you, Damian,” I said. “Really good.”
He reached out and took my hand, squeezing it gently. “It's good to see you too.”
My heart was racing, and there was more emotion roiling within me than I thought I could handle. It made me realize that Damian was somebody I cared about very deeply – even more deeply than maybe, I'd previously thought. Or let myself believe. For so long, I'd let myself be caught up in how he looked, at the fact that he was a biker, an outlaw, a guy who did some bad things. And back then, I never let myself look below the surface.
But once I got past that rough exterior and let myself see him for the man he truly was, I couldn't help but see a good man. A good man with a good heart. A man I couldn't help but be compelled by. Drawn to.
I was still at war within myself though. On the one hand, he still belonged to the Kings of Chaos. And I didn't want Austin growing up in that life, around that sort of influence. But Damian was so good with him – hell, in the short time I'd known him, he'd been a better father figure to Austin than his biological father ever had been.
Damian was somebody I could see myself being with – if not for the lifestyle he chose.
But seeing him there, without his kutte, looking more – normal, I supposed – I couldn't help but wonder at the possibilities. Would he be willing to leave that life? Would he want to go a different road with me? There were so many questions and so few answers.
All I could do was enjoy the moment and worry about tomorrow another time.
“Where did you go?” I asked.
He sighed and looked off into the distance. “I needed to get away and clear my head. After that night in the barn… it just dredged up some old ghosts.”
My smile was soft and gentle. “Crank told me a bit about that,” I said. “I'm so sorry you had to go through something like that, Damian. I'm so sorry about what happened with Mendo—”
He shook his head. “None of it is your fault, Cara. None of it. You would never have been in that position – or any of the other spots you've been in – if not for me. If anybody should be apologizing here, it's me. And I am. I'm so sorry to have brought that sort of influence into your life. Into Austin's life. It's the last thing I wanted.”
I sighed and gave him a weak smile. “It wouldn't have been my first choice to have that sort of thing in Austin's life. But if not for that, I wouldn't have met you. So, at least something good came out of it.”
“There is that.”
“Damian!”
Austin squealed and ran over to us, apparently noticing us sitting there. Damian's smile was wide and warm as he got down onto a knee and swept my boy up into a fierce hug. He set Austin back down and ruffled his hair.
“Good to see you, kid.”
“Missed you,” Austin said.
“Missed you too, bud.”
He took Damian's hand and tried to pull him toward the playground. “Swing me, Damian!” he shouted. “Swing me!”
Damian smiled. “In a minute, okay? Lemme talk to your mom for a few minutes, and then I'll come over there and swing you all the way into space.”
Austin giggled and clapped his hands together. “Into space! You promised!”
“I sure did.”
Damian had an inscrutable expression on his face as he watched Austin turn and run off to play with his friends. His expression was somewhat wistful and sweet. If I were being honest, he looked like a father watching his son with a fierce pride and joy – tinged with a trace of sadness.
He sat back down and cleared his throat before looking over at me.
“Anyway,” he said. “I guess I just wanted to tell you that I was sorry for bringing all of the shit into your world. And that I'd understand if you didn't want me around.”
I looked at him and resisted the urge to smack him upside the head. “Are you stupid?” I asked. “Are you really that stupid?”
He looked at me with a look that said he didn't understand what I meant. This time, I gave into the urge and playfully cuffed him behind the ear – something that made him smile at least.
“Look, I knew what I was getting into when I brought you home from the hospital to hide you—”
“That's not true.”
“Okay, so I didn't understand all of it,” I said. “And yeah, there are times when I feel like I'm in way over my head. And it's true that this lifestyle you lead isn't exactly what I want in my life. Or in Austin's.”
“Exactly, which is why—”
“Shut up for a minute,” I said. “Let me finish.”
He smiled but fell silent, content to simply watch me. I took a deep breath and let it out, unsure what I was doing or saying. I was just going with whatever popped into my head because I knew it was what I was feeling in my heart. And that couldn't be wrong, could it?
“Look, this isn't what I expected. And honestly, some of it has sucked. Some of it has sucked really badly,” I said. “But it hasn't all been bad. In fact, there's been a lot of good that's come out of this. Austin absolutely adores you. And I...”
My voice trailed off, and I felt my cheeks flushing.
“And you?” Damian asked.
I took another deep breath, exhaling quietly. I couldn't believe what I was saying. What I was admitting. But it was the truth. And I couldn't deny it.
“And I care about you, Damian,” I said. “I care about you a lot.”
He squeezed my hand gently and looked deeply into my eyes. There was a look of quiet intensity in his face – but also one of resignation. What he was resigning himself to though, I didn't know.
“And I care about you too, Cara,” he said. “Maybe too much.”
We sat in silence for a few moments, each of us lost in our own thoughts and emotions. Nothing about this was going to be easy. In fact, it was going to be complicated. I knew that Damian was still with the Kings – that hadn't changed. What was going to need to change was what I considered acceptable in my life. In Austin's life. Which meant that I was going to have to set some very clear boundaries.
“Look, Cara,” Damian said – and the way he said it made my stomach clench with fear. “I don't know what's going to happen moving forward. I don't know if I can get past what Mills did with the Fantasmas. There's just so much I don't know right now. I'm still trying to find a way to sort through it all.”
“I know you are,” I said. “And I'm willing to be patient.”
“What I'm trying to say is… I don't know that it's all sunshine and roses from here on out. I don't know if the danger is really behind us.”
I cocked my head and looked at him. “Mills?”
He nodded, his expression growing even soberer. “Yeah. He tried to take me out once. I don't know if he's going to make another run at me or what the score is. All I know is that he's consolidating his power at the moment. That and taking out some of the other Fantasmas.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I've seen a few things in the paper about some of them being found dead. Cops are blaming it on the violence between the clubs.”
“They're not wrong. But it's Mills trying to wipe out his competition.”
“For what?”
“I'm not sure yet. But I want to find out.”
I felt a jolt of fear steal through me. If Mills had tried to kill him once, I shuddered to imagine what he'd do if Damian started poking around – maybe seeing things he shouldn't see. I wanted him to get out of that life but knew that it wasn't my place to say so. That was a decision he was going to have to come to on his own.
“Please be careful, Damian,” I said. “We both know what Mills is capable of.”
He nodded. “Yeah, he's capable of some ruthless shit. I see that now. Don't worry though, I'm going to be careful.”
I hesitated for a moment, looking out at the playground. Austin ran around with his friends, laughing and smiling, a boy without a care in the world. He didn't know violence. Bloodshed. He knew nothing about biker clubs executing one another in dark barns. He was innocent. Sweet, pure, and innocent. And I wanted to keep him that way as long as I could.
But I also didn't want to drive Damian away with demands or ultimatums. I wanted him to want to be with us for his own reasons. Because he cared for us. Not because he feared he'd lose us if he didn't do what I wanted.
“What about us?” I asked tentatively.
He gave me a small smile. “Maybe we can just take it slow for now. One day at a time,” he said. “See where things go.”
I nodded and smiled. “Sounds like a great place to start to me.”
A broad smile stretched across his face. “Me too.” He turned and looked out at the playground. “But right now, I have a promise to keep.”
He walked out to the playground and helped Austin onto the swing. My son laughed and screamed as Damian pushed him higher and higher, letting him soar in the sky. I watched them together for a while, feeling happy and content. Feeling like this was right.
But something in the pit of my belly felt otherwise. It felt oppressive, ominous, and told me not to let myself get too attached. I did my best to silence that voice, but I only succeeded in shoving it into the background where it continued to whisper.