14
Lola
I haven't heard a peep from Daire all day.
ThatGuy, however, has been blowing up my notifications. He gives me updates throughout his business meeting, specifically about how boring it is. And for added flavor, he sprinkles dirty little details about his business associates throughout. It feels wrong to laugh at some of the things he sends, but I do. I'm dusting the bookshelves in the store when another message comes through.
ThatGuy:
Mr. Ellis just ate the last croissant. What an asshole.
LolaB:
Or maybe you just need to learn to share...
ThatGuy:
Oh, so that's how it's going to be, huh? Well, I think you might change your mind when I tell you about last summer.
LolaB:
What happened last summer?
ThatGuy:
Let's just say that Mr. Ellis got caught with an appendage in the cookie jar.
LolaB:
Oh god. Do I even want to know?
ThatGuy:
I don't know, Lola. You tell me? Are you too prim and proper to hear this, or are you a little bit of a devil too?
Oddly enough, his words make me think about Daire and the way that I am with him. He makes me feel like I don’t know the difference between wrong and right. Or maybe wrong can be right sometimes. Heat spreads over my cheeks, and I feel guilty for thinking of Daire while I talk to ThatGuy.
Then when I try to rationalize, I feel guilty for talking to ThatGuy at all while I'm carrying on with Daire. But it's not like he doesn't know. It's not like I haven't told him exactly what I'm doing on these dating apps. And exactly what's going to happen in two weeks, when our time is up.
I try to focus on one predicament at a time.
LolaB:
I can be a little bit devilish. When I want to.
ThatGuy:
Hmmm... you've got me thinking some pretty devilish thoughts myself right now, little Lola B ;)
LolaB:
Mmmmhmmm, enough with the innuendo. Time to spill the beans. What did Mr. Ellis do?
ThatGuy:
Okay, just remember you asked for it. What I'm about to tell you will be burned into your brain for eternity. But it's only fair really, that if I have to live with the visual, you should too.
LolaB:
Okay, I'm ready. Except, my visual will never be as bad as yours because you actually know the guy, whereas I can only paint a vague picture in my mind.
ThatGuy:
Ugggg, don't remind me. I have to look his wife in the eye every time we meet and try not to betray the level of her husband’s depravity.
LolaB:
You're stalling.
ThatGuy:
You're impatient...
I don't reply. And eventually, he gives in and tells me, which I knew he would. I think ThatGuy doesn't possess a whole lot of patience himself, really.
ThatGuy:
Okay here it is. So, word is, his secretary came in early one morning. Caught Mr. Ellis in the company break room, fucking a warm cup of yogurt.
A choked laugh bubbles up my throat before turning into full-on fit. Britt glances at me from across the room and smiles. "You've been awfully giggly lately. Who's been texting you?"
I shake my head and attempt to remain serious and somewhat professional. I don't want to admit that I've been internet dating, even if Britt probably does it herself. That's the thing these days. But it still feels a bit weird to say it out loud. Plus, she'd likely see it as a betrayal of Daire too, since she's not so secretly obsessed with him.
"It's nobody," I say. "Just a friend telling me something funny that happened."
"Mmm hmm." She rolls her eyes. "Well don't forget Mellie will be here for lunch soon. So, can I go on my break now?"
Crap. I did forget that Mellie was coming today. Usually, I'd be ecstatic to have lunch with her. But after our last meeting, I'm not so sure she's going to feel the same. Add to that the fact that we're going over the books today, and dread churns in my stomach.
Mellie isn’t just a good friend and therapist when I need it, but she also offers moral support with the bookkeeping aspect of the business. I've remained positive and upbeat during the last two sessions when she tried to give me some not so subtle reality checks. But I have a feeling today my bubble of denial might burst.
"Go on your break," I tell Britt. "I've got this."
She flies out the door and down to her favorite deli while I look around the empty shop. We've had two customers today. And suddenly the smile that I couldn't hold back five minutes ago is nowhere to be found.
I love this shop. It’s everything to me, but I know Daire is right. Everything is online these days. And I don't know how to salvage this sinking ship.
My phone pings.
ThatGuy:
Are you completely traumatized? Do I need to have you committed now?
LolaB:
No. Sorry. Just recovering from my fit of laughter.
ThatGuy:
Phew. I was worried there for a minute.
LolaB:
Well the visual you painted was horrifying. But I think I'll survive with a little chocolate to help me cope.
ThatGuy:
Hmmm.... if only I had your address. I'd send you the entire Hershey's factory.
LolaB:
Too late. I already ate it.
The front door chimes, and when I glance up, Mellie is there. I pocket my phone guiltily, even though I wasn't talking to Daire. She holds out an extra cup of coffee in her hand. "Peace offering?"
"Thank you." I take the cup, and she retrieves a bag from her purse, offering up a brownie next. And already, I know this is going to be bad. Mellie only brings me brownies when she's about to drop some bad news.
I don't have time to dwell on it before Britt comes in and takes her place at the register, absently saying hello to Mellie before scrolling through her phone and tapping out messages.
"Well, you ready for this?" Mellie asks.
I nod, and we walk to the back of the store. I eat my brownie while Mellie pulls out ledgers and charts and graphs and things that I have no desire to see right now.
"I've been going over the sales." She gets straight down to business, shoving some numbers in my direction. "Expenses. Taxes. I think you know where I'm going with this Lola."
I swallow, and the brownie is no longer appealing, even though it's from my favorite bakery. "So what do we do?"
I say we like we're a team, but really, it's just me. Mellie is quiet for too long, and I know what she thinks I should do. Close down the shop and save myself from drowning before I'm too far gone.
"The projections don't look good," she says. "You can keep this up until the end of the year at best, Lola. But something needs to change."
It isn't what I want to hear. And while before, I seemed to have possessed a knack for just believing that everything would turn out alright, I know that's no longer a viable or logical solution to my problems. And with the store in trouble, dating should be the last thing on my mind.
Everything in my life is moving in reverse, and I don't know how to stop it. It feels like all I can do is watch while everyone else travels forward and I'm dragged back by some immovable and all-powerful force of nature. I’ve let go of a lot of things without a fight, but the shop isn’t going to be one of them.
This is my dream. And I'm just not ready to watch it disappear yet.
"I don't know much about the book market," Mellie says. "But I've found some stuff online that might help if you want to have a look through it." She hands me the papers and I thank her. My eyes are blurry, and I feel so defeated. I’m worn down and tired, and I don’t know when this happened. My life spiraled so far out of control that I didn't notice until it was too late.
"Whatever you decide to do," Mellie offers, "you know I'll be here for you."
"Thank you."
"That goes for the situation with Daire too.”
That’s the last thing I want to talk about, but there is no judgment in her eyes. Not right now.
She shrugs. "I get it.”
"You do?"
"Well, not really. But I mean I understand that everything is changing for you right now, and things are so up in the air, and he's always been a constant in your life. The situation with Tom and the business, I know those are weighing on you. And in all honesty, I think it might be good for you to work out your feelings in this situation. This thing with you and Daire has been going on for so long, and you’ve never really been able to let go of your resentment towards him.”
“I’ve already let it go.”
Mellie levels me with her therapist look. The one that tells me not to bullshit her. “I know that you care about him, Lola, but you resent him too. Which is perfectly normal given the circumstances. But at some point, you will have to deal with that. It isn’t healthy to carry that around with you.”
I know she’s right, but I don’t want to acknowledge it because that feels like a battle I don’t have the energy to fight. “I’m not sure I ever can forgive him,” I admit. “How do you get over something like that? What he did… I just can’t. There’s a part of me that tries to rationalize. He was young. It was an accident. But then there’s another part of me that just doesn’t care about the circumstances. It happened, and it changed our lives forever.”
“Everybody makes mistakes,” Mellie answers. “But most of us are lucky enough that ours haven’t left a permanent scar. It only takes a split second for something to alter our lives completely. One bad decision. And I know you’ve made plenty of them yourself.”
“I thought you were on my side,” I pout.
“Always.” She smiles. “But someone has to give you the tough love. I’m not justifying Daire’s actions or his behavior now. I’m just trying to help you find some peace. At the end of the day, I don't want to see you hurt anymore.”
"I know."
She makes a zipping motion over her lips. "You won't hear another peep from me on the subject, then. Not unless you want to."
We hug. And then all too soon, she is leaving me alone to my thoughts in the silence of my office. I stare at the paperwork she brought with her and decide that I will read it tonight when the shop is closed, and I can give it my full attention. But for now, there’s another distraction in the form of my phone.
ThatGuy:
Damn. What's a guy gotta do to impress you, L?
My fingers hover over the keys with a snarky response when something else occurs to me. This guy is a businessman. What kind of business, he didn't say. Daire told me guys want the full package, and technically that would mean keeping up false illusions. But at the end of the day, do I really want someone who can't see past a job title or bank account?
I know I probably shouldn't. Daire already said he would help me with the shop. I could wait for him. Or I could tackle it on my own and take some of Mellie's advice.
I could do a lot of different things right now. But things with ThatGuy feel comfortable. He feels like a kindred spirit. So I decide to make a bold move and just go for it.
LolaB:
You said you had your fingers in all sorts of pies, right?
ThatGuy:
That I do. Don't tell me you need tips on the stock market. Because I'll just tell you to invest in me.
I smile, and I knew he would be cool with this.
LolaB:
Not quite, but I could use some business advice.
There's a longer pause than usual, and I wonder if maybe I screwed up. But finally, a reply comes through.
ThatGuy:
Then I'm your guy. Although I will tell you this is starting to feel very You’ve Got Mail. Please tell me I can be Tom Hanks in this scenario?
LolaB:
Well, I didn’t have you pegged as Meg Ryan. And if I didn’t already tell you this, prepare to go to the mattresses. I own a bookstore.
ThatGuy:
Ha, I knew it! You even provided photographic evidence. You’re Kathleen Kelly.
LolaB:
Pretty much. I do own a small shop. And things could be a lot better.
ThatGuy:
I see.
LolaB:
Do you believe that everything needs to be online these days to have a presence?
ThatGuy:
Yes.
LolaB:
Just yes?
ThatGuy:
Unequivocally, yes.
LolaB:
Uggggg
ThatGuy:
Let me help you.
LolaB:
How?
ThatGuy:
Do you have some numbers for me to look over?
I hesitate. Now it feels weird. And personal. Like I'm inviting him to be more of a part of my life than I really intended. But of course, he’d want to look at numbers if he plans to help me.
It feels like another betrayal to Daire though. If he knew I was taking business advice from someone else, it would really hurt him. This I know for fact. But my pride won't allow me to admit how dire my situation is. This is something I need to get myself out of. I can't have Daire swooping in and controlling everything because he feels like he owes it to me.
So, with this in mind, I text ThatGuy again.
And I tell him I'll send it all right over.