At some point, I decided it was a good idea to try a kickboxing class. In my head, I imagined myself kicking and punching my frustrations out on the bag. But in reality, I’m not coordinated enough to keep up with the instructor, and it’s only making me more exasperated by the second.

I quit while I still have some pride left and sneak out during a water break. I’m a sweaty, hot mess, and what I really need right now is a coffee. I utilize the gym showers and forgo makeup so I can snag one from my favorite shop before they close.

The walk back home is short, and my apartment is quiet, and nothing on television is capturing my interest. If I hadn’t already ended it, today would have been the day that Daire and I completed our agreed upon no strings attached relationship.

There are always strings. And sometimes they are sticky and messy, and you can’t seem to sever them no matter what you do. It’s been a hard lesson. One of many that I’ve learned over the last decade of my life. I have failed and failed again at so many things, and I’m sick of it.

This is my wake-up call. The catalyst that I needed to see once and for all that I’m the captain of my own ship and it’s up to me to navigate my life course. I never needed Daire or anyone else to blaze my trail. I let my fears control me, and instead of owning up to them, I cowed down. That changes now.

I have a lot of work to do, and it’s time to stop feeling sorry and start taking action. The first thing I do is invite Mellie over to the shop so I can apologize. She agrees, and when she shows up, we both blurt out our apologies at the same time.

Mellie laughs, and so do I. “I’m sorry,” she says. “You go first.”

“I just wanted to tell you that I shouldn’t have said the things I did that night. I was angry and frustrated, and it had nothing to do with you, but I took it out on you anyway.”

She shrugs and gives me a sheepish smile. “I guess maybe sometimes I can come off as a little overbearing, but it’s only because I have your best interests in mind.”

“I know that. And I’m lucky to have someone who cares that much.”

We sit down in the back office, and she pulls out a bottle of cheap champagne from her reusable bag. I grab two Solo cups from my cupboard and pour. “What are we celebrating?”

“Our friendship.” We clink our plastic glasses and laugh.

“We’re so fancy,” I declare.

“Right?” she agrees. “Not everyone can have such refined taste.”

We drink and skirt around the heavier topics by focusing on light conversation to start. But it’s going to come up eventually, so I decide to broach the subject first.

“Daire and I are done,” I tell her. “For real this time.”

She is quiet for a while, contemplating her words carefully before she says them. “What happened?”

I tell her about our agreement. I explain that it was ending anyway and I knew it was a bad idea, but I went through with it. And then when I’m done explaining all of that, I tell her about the text message.

Again, Mellie is quiet for too long, and I can’t tell what she’s thinking. “You didn’t even ask him about it?”

“No. Why would I? He’d probably just give me some bullshit lie, anyway. And it’s not like I could tell him without admitting I was snooping. That would only make things worse, and it doesn’t matter. It happened, and I’m just done with it.”

Mellie nods, but I can tell she doesn’t agree.

“What is it?” My voice is defensive. “Just say it.”

“I don’t know, Lola,” she admits. “I’m not going to say that I didn’t think this whole thing was a horrible idea to begin with. The last thing I wanted was for you to get tangled up with Daire again. But I gave it some thought, and I have to admit you’ve been really happy these last few weeks. You’ve been… different.”

I force a deep breath into my lungs. “It was only temporary.”

Mellie treads carefully, pausing between each statement. She can see me unraveling already, and this probably wasn’t the time to have this conversation. “Can you tell me for certain that you aren’t just doing this out of fear?”

“No.” I rub my temples. “I’m not.”

She doesn’t back down. “You’re doing that thing again. You shut yourself down and turn yourself off. You are blank and empty, and I know that isn’t how you really feel.”

“I don’t even know how I feel,” I reply. “So, how can you?”

“Let’s forget Daire for a minute. This isn’t about him. It’s about Ryan and the fact that every guy you date gets punished for his sins.”

Her words pour salt into an open wound, and I don’t want them to be true. “I don’t do that.”

“He cheated on you, Lola. He hurt you. I get that. You had no closure, no answers, and you were humiliated. I don’t know if you’ve ever really dealt with that.”

The old me would continue to deny it, but I told myself this morning that I was turning a new leaf. Getting defensive and fighting with my best friend isn’t going to make my situation any better. So I take her words to heart and actually contemplate that she might be right.

“Maybe I have in the past,” I admit. “But Daire and I both liked to punish each other. The truth is there’s too much history there. Too much pain. And he isn’t good for me. You said so yourself. He’s an addict.”

Mellie nods and doesn’t say another word about it.

“Anyway, I’ve decided I need to focus on myself for a bit,” I tell her. “My main priority right now is saving the shop.”

It’s exactly what I told ThatGuy this morning. My emotions are too mixed up right now, and even though I do want to meet him, I need more time. His response was that he was only a text away, and we left it at that.

“What can I do to help?” Mellie asks.

I pull out the reports from this month and show them to her. She thumbs through the new system and then turns her attention back to me, stunned. “Wow. This is so organized.”

“Like I said, I’m trying to do things differently.”

She goes over the numbers, her brows pinching together. “Any explanation for the jump in sales?” she asks.

I chew on my lip. “There’s been an influx of customers lately. I asked a few of them how they heard about us and they told me that one of the real housewives snapped an Instagram pic in the shop declaring how much she loved it.”

“Huh,” she says. “Well imagine that. Free publicity.”

“Yeah. Pretty weird, but I’ll take it. I can’t count on it to last forever, though. Which is why I’m finally taking the business online.” I rouse the computer from slumber and show Mellie the mockup for the website.

“Wow,” she gushes. “I love that. Did you do this?”

“I’m working with a designer. It’s a big process, but I hope it will be worth it in the end.”

“I think it will,” she assures me. “This looks amazing.”

“Thanks. I also have some ideas for driving foot traffic. I’ve been doing a ton of market research.”

She looks over the list I’ve gathered, and I can tell she’s impressed. Maybe it shouldn’t mean much to me, considering she’s my friend, but I feel proud of the work I’ve done so far.

“This is really good, babe. Seriously, I think these are great ideas.”

“It’s just a start,” I say. “I want to hold events here. Bring local authors in for signings, readings, that sort of thing. And eventually, I’d like to add a coffee bar and possibly expand into the empty shop next door. I know it would require a lot of money, but it’s just a dream for now.”

“Lola.” Mellie releases the paperwork to focus on me. “You can do this. You’ve got a solid marketing plan here. Don’t cut yourself short. I don’t know what’s lit a fire under your ass, but whatever it is, I love it. Keep at this, and your dreams will be a reality in no time.”

Her confidence in me bring tears to my eyes. It’s been a long time since anyone’s been proud of me. It’s been a long time since I’ve been proud of myself too. Mellie pours us both another glass of champagne and raises her cup to meet mine. “To new beginnings.”

“To new beginnings,” I echo.