Chapter 12
The Question
Savannah
No man should have to meet their kid for the first time when he was already three months old, but Savannah knew it could be worse. Carter might have been far older before Mike met him. Or maybe it never would have happened. If she could change the past, she would in an instant.
The stab of sadness accompanied by the instant rush of heat that flooded her body and the blush that reddened her cheeks told her what a tragedy that would have been. It would have been truly tragic for Carter to not know his father, and it would have been tragic for her and Mike never to have spent another night together.
She hadn’t seen him in person for three days, since the night she’d slept over. Her parents hadn’t been thrilled when she arrived home the next morning. Her mother gave her a scathing look that spoke volumes and her father, as he usually did, said nothing and went about his business, but she could tell there was new worry in his eyes.
“Here we go big fella. All ready to meet your daddy?” Savannah lifted Carter’s bucket seat out of the back of her car. She’d pulled up in Mike’s driveway a few minutes before, but needed a few deep breaths to compose herself.
Even after their night together and the texts they’d sent, Savannah was still worried about the meeting. Would Mike even like his own son? That was a ridiculous worry, but one that had plagued her since she and Mike agreed on the meeting over coffee and toast before she left his house that morning. She’d thought about nothing since. Mike and the meeting.
“And now it’s here.”
Carter rewarded her with a huge smile. He stuffed one chubby fist into his mouth and stared back at her with huge, dark eyes. She’d run a brush through his dark curly hair, picked out the cutest little jeans and red t-shirt and made sure that he was wearing a bib to catch any drool or upchucks on the drive over.
Savannah removed the bib and tossed it into the backseat. She replaced it with a receiving blanket, which she tucked around her son’s neck. After shouldering the diaper bag, she walked up the driveway, to the front door.
Surprisingly, though she was nervous, her hands didn’t shake. She wasn’t trembling or sweating. When Mike opened the door, dressed in a plaid shirt and faded jeans, his smile was genuine. He held the door open wider. His eyes remained locked on her face as she entered, before they finally swept down to the bucket seat in her hand.
“My god,” he whispered, awe in his voice. “This is Carter.”
“Yes.” Savannah kicked off her flip flops. She’d opted for something simple as well, jeans and a red blouse. She wanted to appear casual, so that Mike wouldn’t know she’d tried on clothes for over an hour before deciding on what she had on. Carter had watched placidly, smiling the entire time, as though to tell her that she was being ridiculous.
“Aren’t you a fine looking man?” Mike finally set the bucket seat on the floor. He reached in, as though to undo the straps, but stopped. Savannah watched a shiver rip through his body. His hands shook for a second before he finally figured out how to undo the buckle. He stopped there and his eyes flew to her face.
“Is there something wrong?”
“I… it’s just that I’ve never held a baby before, I don’t think. Not one this young.”
Savannah smiled encouragingly. “I know. I really hadn’t either. I babysat but it was always for older kids, at least a year or older was my rule. Don’t worry though. I was so scared at first. I thought he would break if I touched him. He won’t. They’re a lot tougher than you think.” She stepped up beside Mike, bent and reached in anyway.
Carter smiled even wider, obviously on his best behavior, as she tucked her hands under his little armpits. She brought him out of the seat, one hand moving automatically to his bottom, the other to his back. She tucked him against her shoulder.
“It might be easier if we sit down. I can put him on your lap?”
Mike hesitated and she wasn’t sure what was going through his mind. Everything. Probably everything all at once. He was meeting his son for the first time, a son he knew nothing about until a week ago. What wasn’t he thinking?
“Yah,” he finally forced out. “That would work fine.”
“Good.” She nodded and led the way to his living room. She sat down on the couch and he took a seat beside her. She waited a minute, to give him a second to compose himself, before she handed Carter over.
Mike took him as awkwardly as possible, all hands flying everywhere, reaching, grasping, overprotective and completely unsure.
“I’m no good at this,” he said as he tried to hand Carter back.
“Yes you are. Don’t worry. Just like this.” She set her hand on Mike’s, slightly alarmed at how cold it was. She couldn’t ever remember it being anything but warm. She set his hand firmly on Carter’s shoulders. “He sometimes squirms, but his neck is strong now. Don’t worry about that. Just hold him to keep him from falling off.”
“What if he pukes on me?”
“He shouldn’t. I haven’t fed him for a while. If he does though, it will just be formula. Nothing scary. And it’s your house so you can just go change.”
“What about you?”
“I usually just wipe myself off.” She laughed at the surprised look on his face. “I’m a little less of a princess than I used to be. I guess having a baby and changing a lot of dirty diapers does that to you.”
“I don’t know how you do it.”
She shrugged. “Some days I don’t know either. A lot of help from my parents.”
“You’re a natural.” Mike blinked at her before he turned his attention back to Carter, who he was awkwardly supporting in his lap.
“No. I’ve just had a lot of hours of practice already. You’ll be surprised. In an hour or two, you’ll already be more comfortable.”
“Not comfortable enough to be left alone with him. I’d be useless.”
“Well, we can work up to that and then you can let me know.”
“Yah…” Mike studied Carter for a few silent moments. He swallowed hard and looked back at her. She could see that his eyes had already changed, grown softer, more amazed, and it did something to her, hit her square in the chest.
“He looks like you a little bit, I think. His nose and his face shape.”
“Lucky guy. Good thing he takes after you.”
“Oh, come on. I happen to think that you’re pretty handsome.” She couldn’t keep herself from blushing after the words were out. The crazy thing was, Mike’s cheeks actually reddened as well. She turned her attention back to her son. “He actually needs a bottle. I can mix him one up and you can watch, if you want. Or I can mix it and you can try feeding it to him.”
“Uh…” Mike’s features pinched tight with panic.
“There isn’t a right or wrong answer here. It’s truly whatever you prefer. I’m never going to force you to take care of him. We can move at your own pace. It’s… well, I think that’s only right after…” After I didn’t tell you that you had a kid. They both knew what she was going to say. She didn’t need to finish.
“Yah, I don’t know, maybe I would have been better at it if I’d had more time to prepare.”
“It’s ok. I don’t think you’re bad at it at all. You’re doing just fine. I’ll mix up the bottle and you can watch me feed it to him and then I’ll just hold him for a bit after and we can talk. He didn’t nap today and I either expected he’d be really cranky when we got here or be really placid and just pass out peacefully. I think it’s going to happen without a fight, which means no screaming. He’s really trying to impress you, since normally he gives me a run for my money patience wise.”
“God, I can’t even imagine.”
Mike tracked every single movement as she poured formula into a sterilized bottle with pre-boiled water. She was always ultra-careful and though the routine took forever, sanitizing bottles and boiling water for at least ten minutes, she’d rather be safe than sorry. She mixed up the formula and since the water was already room temperature, she didn’t bother to heat it up. She never really had, so Carter didn’t know the difference.
Savannah sat back down and took Carter easily. She tucked him in the crook of her arm, uncapped the bottle and her son reached for it greedily. He latched on right away and drained the bottle in record time. Afterwards, she was actually able to get a burp out of him and thankfully that was all. He wasn’t usually a puker, but there had been a few select times where she’d worn his meal.
“There we go. All done.” Savannah tucked Carter back into the cradle of her arm. She covered him up with the blanket from his car seat and rocked him soothingly. As she thought, his lids closed and he settled into a peaceful sleep within a few minutes.
“Wow. I can’t believe that. You really know him well.”
“It’s taken a lot of practice. It turns out you get to know someone real quick when you’re with them twenty-four seven and they are dependent on you for everything.”
“That seriously sounds scary as hell.”
Savannah grinned and Mike’s lips finally turned up into an echo of a faltering smile. “It is. Being a mother isn’t something that’s just naturally inherent; at least it wasn’t for me. I had to learn everything, so don’t worry. If you want to do this, then you’ll get the hang of it too. We can take it slow. You won’t learn everything overnight. I’m still learning too.”
“Really? You look like you have everything down pat. You’re the most natural mother that ever lived.”
“Are you surprised?”
Mike glanced down. “Not exactly.”
“Well if you were, or are, then you’re not alone. I never thought I really wanted kids either, at least not until I was like, forty. It’s hard to believe I won’t even be that age by the time Carter graduates.” She paused and Mike settled back, his eyes on his sleeping son. Despite all his protests, fears and reluctance, there was already the unmistakable glint of love in his eyes. “Mike, can I ask you something?”
“Shoot.” He crossed one ankle over the other and leaned back into the couch, letting the soft leather cushions absorb most of his weight.
She hesitated, aware that her question could change everything between them. It could shatter their new found peace and whatever was budding, or continuing between them. There was a spark there that had never died out. She didn’t fully understand what that meant, but she knew she didn’t want to pour freezing water all over it and extinguish it completely.
“Why- uh- well, you said once, before, that you never wanted to have kids. Why was that?” She wasn’t entirely surprised when Mike’s eyes narrowed and he reached up and ran a hand through his short hair. He sighed, the kind of sigh that heaves the shoulders up before plunging them down further than they were meant to be.
Which could only mean that his answer wasn’t a simple one liner. It was, as she’d always thought, something much worse than an aversion to dirty diapers and sleepless nights.