Chapter 8
The Truth
Savannah
Was it possible that Mike had changed as much as she had? It was impossible to tell just by looking at him. His features were still the same, strong, chiseled, but he looked different. He’d cut his hair. It was jet black, clipped short, just long enough to style the front into a semblance of order. The growth of a fresh beard covered his angular jawline, probably just so he didn’t have to shave every day.
He wore a red and black plaid shirt with snaps. She remembered he preferred those over buttons. He liked jeans too, never wore anything else. That and his loafer style shoes. They looked like something better suited to an eighty year old man, but Mike lived in them. She knew that underneath that soft looking cotton was warm skin, unending black and gray tattoos, and a physique that women would faint just to look at.
Her fingers itched in a strange way, with a sudden impulse to reach out and touch him. She’d once caressed that skin so easily, felt the ridged lines of where some of his tattoos had healed not as smoothly as others. Her heart pulsed and underneath her skin, her blood vibrated through her veins. She’d almost forgotten what the hard rush of attraction felt like, lost in a sea of late night feedings and dirty diapers.
Though his eyes were still shining and dark, as intense as ever, they were softer when he looked at her. Or maybe she was just imagining it.
He could have reacted any number of ways. She’d gone over a thousand scenarios in her head between getting that letter two days ago and the moment she walked in the shop’s front door. She’d locked herself in, turned that small metal deadbolt so no one else could interrupt the conversation she knew she had to have.
It could have gone any way. She figured it wouldn’t end in anger or a screaming match, which was what wore her down in the end and sealed her decision to come. After laying Carter down she’d lied to her mother, telling her that she needed to go for a drive by herself just to get out of the house. Gianna was understanding and agreed to watch Carter if he woke up. She had to be back by ten and it was just past eight.
“So…” Mike leaned forward, clearly at a loss for words.
She’d rehearsed over and over what she wanted to say, how she would tell him, but now that the time had come, she found herself unable to force out a single syllable.
“What do we do now? Where do we go from here?” He finally continued.
Savannah reached for her orange juice and took another sip. The sugary crystals flooded her mouth, producing enough saliva to unstick her tongue. “I… Mike, I don’t know.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” His dark eyes swept to her face, searching, but there was no anger there. Just confusion. Hurt too.
“I didn’t know how.” She had to look away, down at the juice glass she still clutched in her hand though it was mostly empty. She finished the last swallow off and set it back down on the battered wood coffee table. “I’m sorry. We broke up and I found out I was pregnant a few weeks later. I- I thought maybe I would tell you at three months. That’s usually when women are in the clear. I thought there would be no point in telling you early, in case something happened. Of course, after that time passed, I wasn’t any more prepared to just walk up to the shop and drop the news on you. I kept telling myself I would do it. That I would find the perfect way, the perfect time to tell you. And then it just got to the point where I felt like it was too late. And- well- I remember that night we went to the movies and then we took a walk and you were saying that you never wanted kids. I thought that it would never be an issue. I never saw us together long term and I was too young to think about kids anyway. I wasn’t even listening, but when I thought about telling you, that’s all I could hear in my head, was you saying you didn’t want kids and so I thought that maybe it was best that you- uh- that I didn’t tell you.”
Mike reached up and swept a hand over his face. He pulled down on his cheeks, his nose and finally his fingers scratched over the new growth of beard on his rugged jawline.
“I didn’t necessarily mean that, Savannah. I just- say stupid shit sometimes.”
“How could I know?” she asked softly.
“You couldn’t, I suppose. Kian and I had this conversation, when he saw you with the baby. He said that maybe you were confused and scared. I have no idea what was really going on with you at the time. I don’t know why you broke up with me. I don’t know why you couldn’t tell me that you were pregnant. I don’t know why you didn’t tell your parents that I’m the father.”
Here it is. Even worse than not telling Mike about the baby, she had to make this confession as well. She forced herself to look at him, to see the wounded frown knit his brows together. She wanted to take responsibility for her actions, not look away, not run away like a coward again.
“I didn’t even tell them we were dating.”
“What? Savannah! My god, we were together for six months! That’s why they never invited me to dinner. And here I thought it was something I had done, even though I hadn’t met them. Where did they think you were all that time?”
“I wasn’t exactly the model daughter and I haven’t been for a long time. I was always out doing stuff with friends. I guess they just thought that was behaving like a normal teenager and then I turned into an adult and I was searing, trying to find what most young people are I guess. They just stopped asking. I didn’t want to tell them because if they found out what you did for a living and what you looked like they’d flip. That would have been the end of it.”
“Or was it that you didn’t want them to know just how close you were to Kian?”
“That’s not it, Mike.” Savannah swallowed hard, trying to force back the shame and the acrid taste of the lie on her lips. “At least it wasn’t true all the time. I only felt that way about him for a little while. It might have been the reason I met you, but it sure as hell wasn’t the reason I kept seeing you.”
“So why risk it, why lie to your parents and sneak around just to be with me when you were going to break up with me in the end?”
“I…” I what? She couldn’t just tell him that she was falling in love with him and ran from it. That she was trying to protect herself. “I don’t know,” she finally said, knowing just how lame it sounded. “I guess I was just stupid and young and scared. I never intended to keep seeing you knowing that I would break up with you. It just… got real and I couldn’t deal with it I guess.”
Mike took a moment to process that. He’d never been one who was easily goaded to anger. He was far more patient than most people were. He was actually kind. She remembered that about him, his surprising compassion. He was an amazing artist, but more than that, his clients came and came back because they enjoyed talking with him. He’d once told her that more than one person had said he was an excellent therapist as well.
“Yah, I guess that makes sense. I’ve spent the past year dealing with the reality that I’ve never felt anything real at all until I was with you.”
Hearing him say that sent off a shower of sparks inside of her chest. Her head spun and an onslaught of feelings she couldn’t hope to untangle swamped her. She needed to deflect and fast. “Mike… I- I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you that you had a son. His name is Carter. He’s the most beautiful baby in the world. He looks nothing like you but-”
Mike actually laughed and even though it wasn’t a full on laugh, the sound did wonders to untangle the terrible knots in Savannah’s stomach.
“Well that’s good to know. I guess he was lucky that he took after his mom.”
“Oh, don’t say that. You know half your clients just come for the pleasure of you putting that tattoo on them. I never used to miss the way women looked at you. I’d notice it every single time, even if you didn’t.”
“That sounds very close to jealousy.”
“Maybe it was.” It was funny, how easy it was to admit it. She’d thought, at the very least, their conversation would be strained, not like the banter they were now sharing.
“Carter, hey? What’s his middle name?”
“Carter Jay Fiacco. He’s three months old. Gives me hell all night, almost every night. He doesn’t want to be asleep in his own crib. He’s always hated it. He doesn’t want to be asleep at night at all. He likes napping during the day. It’s almost impossible to keep him awake and after he goes down, to wake him up. He gets cranky at night, since he fights going down. I used to try and let him cry it out, but that went on for hours and I just couldn’t stand the sound of him crying like that, so I gave in. I’m a softie and it hasn’t helped. So I don’t get much sleep.” She hoped the purple streaks under her eyes were less obvious to him than they were to her when she’d looked in the mirror before she left the house.
“I’m sorry to hear that. I could… if you wanted me to- I could help out.”
Savannah hedged. She’d gone over that too, in her head. All night. For once, Carter had actually let her sleep, but she was up all night anyway, thinking about that letter and what she was going to do.
“I don’t know, Mike. We’d have to figure out exactly what that meant for both of us. I mean, if you start coming around or Carter starts just disappearing out of the house, my parents are going to ask questions. I have to figure out how to tell them about you. I know you work and that you’re probably busy most of the time, but I could use a break, now and then, even for an hour once a week.”
“I would give you more than that.” The way he was looking at her said he’d give her whatever she asked for and he wasn’t just talking about his son. Her skin slowly heated up. Her nerves fired on all cylinders. She wasn’t tired any longer.
“Well, maybe we can get together and talk about it some more.” She pulled her phone out of her purse, which she’d sat beside her on the couch. “I have to get back. I’ll talk to my parents on the weekend. Can you give me until then? Then I’ll let you know what we can think of. Maybe in that time, you can outline your schedule so that I know what would work for you. I still have my car so I can drop him off and pick him up.”
“That’s not too much trouble?”
“I think it would be best, at least until mom and dad get used to the idea. Is that alright? I’m sorry, I’m not trying to make you feel bad, especially after- uh- everything.”
Mike slowly nodded. “I get it. It’s okay. Just… can you do me a favor and text me after you talk to them to set up something? I’m shit at trying to get in touch.”
“My number is still the same.”
“I figured it was, I just didn’t feel right about contacting you.”
Her heart ached at his quiet admission. She wished he had. Wished it more than just a little bit. If he had, she knew she would have caved. If he’d come after her when she left, she would have gone back and maybe it would have stuck.
“It’s ok. I’ll text you. I promise.” She didn’t want him to think she was going to skip out on him again, disappear like she had the first time. “Mike, can I ask you one thing?” She wanted to take back the words as soon as she said them. He stared at her and it was clear, by the open sheen in his eyes, that he would answer anything at all.
“Yah.”
“Why did you say you never wanted kids?” His eyes clouded over and she could tell right away, that it wasn’t the kind of answer that qualified as casual conversation. She couldn’t miss the undisguised pain on Mike’s face or the way his lips slowly thinned out.
“Next time. I’ll answer that next time, mostly because I just don’t know how, in a matter of minutes. It needs awhile. Will you meet me? Monday night? My place?”
She hesitated. His place. It was the way he asked, hope infused in every word, that made her hesitate. God, could she really go back to his house, knowing that all it would take was a single caress and she’d be right back where she started? She thought she was stronger than that. She’d become lost in her role as a mother and had almost forgot what it felt to be a woman until Mike looked at her again.
“Yes,” she whispered. “I’ll come.” Heaven help her, but she knew there was no denying him, or the ache in her heart.