LAUREN

 

Gabe didn’t turn up for work on Monday. He didn’t text. He didn’t call. For days, he simply disappeared. No one heard from him.

There were moments I regretted my decision. I would lie on the bed, reaching out to the cold space he left behind. At work, tears would suddenly spring to my eyes and I would have to blink them back. Part of me wanted to hear from him, but I knew it would be best if I didn’t. I imagined him on a drinking binge. I imagined him getting in a fight. I imagined him finding comfort in Haleigh’s arms. Then I stopped imagining.

* * *

It was the third night after we broke up before I woke to banging. Pulling the door open, I found Gabe leaning against the door frame, beanie pulled down over his hair, eyes glazed, and the corners of his mouth pulled into a lazy smile.

“Hey,” he said. His eyes slipped down to where my dressing gown hung loosely around my shoulders and I pulled it tighter and tied the cord. Gabe pouted. “Please don’t,” he said.

I stayed standing in the doorway, blocking his entrance. “What do you want, Gabe?”

He reached out to stroke my cheek. I closed my eyes at the touch, willing myself not to melt. Not to look into his eyes too deeply. Not to respond to his plea. “I want you,” he said. “I only want you.”

“Gabe—”

He pressed a finger to my mouth. “Shhhh,” he said, pushing past me and into the lounge. “Don’t say anything.”

“Gabe,” I started again, but he shushed me again and took my hand, leading me to the couch, trying not to stumble as he walked backwards.

“Don’t say anything,” he said again. We sat side by side on the couch and Gabe reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. “I’ve missed you.”

“Gabe I—” His lips pressed to mine. He tasted of beer and whiskey. I pushed against his chest, creating distance between us. “Gabe don’t.”

Reaching out, he placed his hand on the flesh of my leg exposed by the opening of my gown. His thumb rubbed in circles on my skin. “I don’t care,” he said. “I don’t care what happened. I just want you.”

He tried to kiss me again, but I pulled away, moving down the couch until he couldn’t reach me. Gabe looked at the space between us as though it were a cavern.

He swallowed. “Can I stay?” he asked. I shook my head and he inched closer. “Let me stay.” I shook my head again. “Fuck,” he cursed. “Don’t I mean anything to you? Am I nothing?”

“Of course not,” I said.

“Why won’t you have me back then? Why don’t you love me?”

The sadness in his voice almost broke me. I wanted to hold him in my arms, comfort him, love him, but I knew that if I did I would end up in the same sticky mess that I did before. And I couldn’t do that to him.

Gabe let out an anguished noise and jerked himself up from the couch. He stumbled as he walked, knocking into the wall as he fumbled for the keys trapped in his pocket.

“You’re not driving, are you?”

“What the fuck do you care?” was his sharp reply.

“Gabe, please, don’t be like this.”

He whirled around, losing his balance again and clinging to the wall for support. “Like what? Like you’ve fucking broken my heart? Because that’s what you’ve done, Lauren. You’ve fucking broke my heart.” He walked over to me, pointing his finger at his chest. “It hurts, Lauren. It fucking hurts.”

“I know,” I whispered as he glared at me, only inches away from my face. Gabe swayed and then finally sunk to the couch, twisting himself tightly into a ball and covering his face with his hands.

Leaving him there, I grabbed a blanket from the hallway cupboard. “You shouldn’t drive.” I draped the cover over him. “You can stay here tonight. On the couch.” He didn’t answer. I didn’t know if it was because he had fallen asleep, or if it was simply because he was done talking to me. But as I walked to the hall, flicking off the light switch, his broken voice floated across the darkness.

“Why did you have to do this?”

I walked silently back to the bedroom, his words sounding in my head. Why did I do this? Why did I let him get so close? Why did I kiss his brother? Why did I manage to ruin the good things in my life?

* * *

I kept checking on him through the night, scared that he would wake, still drunk, and attempt to drive home. But when morning finally dawned, he was still there on my couch, legs hanging off the edge, blanket thrown to the ground, and his hand draped over his face as he slept. He was beautiful.

“Morning,” I said, swallowing the emotion stuck at the base of my throat and gently shaking him.

The first thing he did when he opened his eyes was smile. He forgot. For that brief moment, he was happy again, and then the darkness returned. Sitting up, he looked around the house, rubbing his eyes, and then looking again as though he couldn’t quite figure out how he got there.

“You turned up about two o’clock,” I said, watching as his eyes scanned my lounge.

When they finally fell back on me, his smile was long gone. He picked his beanie up from where it lay discarded on the ground and shoved it over his hair.

“I’ve got to go to work,” I told him.

Gabe stretched into the air, then felt his pockets for the keys, pulling them out and getting to his feet.

“Sorry,” was all he said as he passed. His eyes barely met mine. Just a quick flash, one of anger and pain, and then they were directed back down at the ground. “I won’t do this again.”

“Gabe, I—”

He shook his head. “You’ve said all you need to.”

“But I just want to explain—”

“Don’t,” he said, somewhat gruffly, and sighed deeply. “I don’t want to hear it.” Gabe walked outside before turning to face me again. He adjusted his beanie and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “Are you with him?” He looked up and down, as though he was unsure if he really wanted to hear the answer.

“No,” I said. “I haven’t talked to him since.”

Chewing on his bottom lip, his glance flicked up to mine again. He opened his mouth as though he was going to say something, then closed it again before turning and walking down the driveway to his car.

* * *

Gabe disappeared from my life just as quickly as he had appeared, never returning to his job at the café. Six months of him being in my life boiled down to a single t-shirt left in my top drawer. I missed him, but at the same time, I was surprised with how easily life continued. I went to work and eventually laughed at Mark’s jokes again. I ignored the times Gabe’s friends came into the café and whispered remarks under their breath. And I continued to travel to the city to document the construction on the casino, although Tyler was hardly there anymore. And when he was, he kept his distance. I wasn’t sure if it was Jake who had told him to stay away, or whether it was because I had left with Gabe the night we had kissed. I had missed calls from him after the investor’s party, but I never returned them and he never left a message.     

In a way, my life became mundane, but I didn’t mind. I was content being single. Guilt didn’t eat at my insides. Indecision didn’t plague my thoughts. I had no one to think of other than myself. Despite the invitations to Peta’s for dinner, the calls from my parents and my sister, I mainly kept to myself. Of course, everyone at work knew what had transpired between Gabe and me. The gossip mill worked its magic before my first shift after the breakup. But my parents didn’t know. My sister didn’t know. I couldn’t tell them and hear the glee in my mother’s voice.

But after the one month break-up mark passed, the familiar feeling of worry began to gnaw at me again. There was to be an unveiling of the first stage of construction at the casino. I was expected to be there. I was expected to take photographs. Gabe would be there. Tyler would be there. The entire Thornton family would be there. I still received frequent phone calls from Billie and, even though the conversation topics mainly revolved around her, I got the distinct impression that she was unaware that Gabe and I had broken up.

* * *

Jimmy greeted me off the plane as he had done every week over the past month and a half. He chatted easily, completely unaware of the tension that existed between me and Tyler. As well as being for the investors, this unveiling was also a celebration for all the construction workers on the site. Jimmy was dressed tidier than I had ever seen him, although his shirt could have definitely done with being pressed.

The room was already crowded when Jimmy and I walked in. With my camera hanging around my neck, I wandered through the crowd, taking candid shots as well as getting groups of people to pose for the typical images. Wine glasses in hand. Fake smiles plastered across their faces. But when Billie spotted me, she pulled me over to where she, Tyler and Jake were standing in a tight corner.

“We were just talking about you,” she said, her hands resting on the small round of her tummy. At seventeen weeks, she was beginning to show.

I smiled, feeling uncomfortable as Jake looked at me hesitantly and Tyler avoided my gaze.

Billie leaned in close. “Where’s Gabe?” she asked. “Hamish has been asking where he is and I have no answer to give to him.”

Billie stared at me openly and I struggled to know how to reply. “I’m not sure,” I said, taking a sip of wine and scanning the room for any sign of Gabe with my heart thudding in my chest. “Did he say he was coming?”

A look of confusion passed over Billie’s face. “What do you mean? Is he not with you?”

I coughed. “Me?”

Billie patted my back gently. “Yes, you. Gabe assured his father he would be here, yet here you are with no sign of Gabe.”

It dawned on me that Gabe hadn’t told his family of our breakup, just as I hadn’t told mine.  I cleared my throat nervously. “He hasn’t spoken to you about us?”

Tyler’s eyes snapped to mine. 

“No,” Billie exclaimed. “Don’t tell me you two broke up? That’s just awful. I’m so sorry.” Billie hugged me. “I will have a talk with that boy. He doesn’t know what he tossed aside.”

“You broke up?” Tyler asked sharply.

I ignored him and turned back to Billie. “It was more of a mutual decision.”

“Well, that explains why he won’t return my calls,” Jake said.

“When?” Tyler demanded, pushing past Jake to stand in front of me.

“A few weeks ago,” I said quietly.

“How many exactly?” he asked, his teeth clenched.

“Tyler!” Billie scolded. “There is no need to be rude. The poor girl is probably going through enough without having you rub her face in it.” She pulled me close again and squeezed my shoulder. I wanted to push her away.

“How many?” Tyler repeated.

“Six weeks,” I said quietly.

“Six weeks?” Tyler’s gaze held mine in an intense, scorching glare. He opened his mouth as if to say something only to turn and leave.

Jake looked at me expectantly. “You told him?”

I hung my head.

“Told who what?” Billie asked. “And what’s Tyler’s problem?”

Jake muttered, “Never mind,” just as I excused myself and followed Tyler outside to where rain had just begun to splatter onto the concrete. He stood with his back to me, arms crossed over his chest and shoulders rising and falling with each deep breath.

“Tyler?” I said quietly.

He didn’t turn around but he still spoke. “You broke up with him?”

“Yes.”

This time he turned. Rain dusted his hair and lay like glitter across his shoulders. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, his voice breaking a fraction.

“It’s not that simple.”

Tyler took a step forward. “It can be.” He reached out and took the tips of my fingers in his. They lay like a thread between us. “Do you like me?”

I almost smiled at his simplicity. “Of course I like you. I just don’t know if I like who I am around you,” I said as he toyed with our brushing fingers. “I kissed you while I was with Gabe. I’ve had someone hurt me like that and I didn’t think myself capable of doing it to someone else. It’s not who I am. It’s not who I want to be.”

“We need to talk,” he stated simply.

“We are talking.”

“Not here. Come back to the loft.”

I shook my head. “Tyler, imagine what everyone would say?”

“Who?” he asked. “Who would say anything and why would you care?”

I shook my head again, confusion and attraction to this man clouding my thoughts. Tyler grasped my hand and walked back into the building, pulling me behind him. Weaving through the crowd, Tyler didn't even glance when people spoke his name. He guided me over to his car and opened the door expectantly.

“Get in,” he said.

I crossed my arms and glared at him, fighting the urge to obey his command.

“Damn it, Lauren. I just want to talk to you somewhere away from all this. Get in,” he demanded again, then added a soft, “please,” though it was still a demand rather than a question.

This time, despite telling myself not to, I sighed and got into the passenger’s seat. Tyler didn’t speak as we travelled the short distance to his apartment, he kept his gaze fixed on the road, his hands wrapped around the steering wheel, knuckles white. The elevator groaned as it rose to the top level, but still, he didn’t speak. It was only once we were inside the building, once he had removed his jacket, once he had tossed his tie aside and leaned against the kitchen counter with arms crossed that he spoke.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked.

I stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, not sure if I wanted to sit or stand, but certain that I needed to keep distance between us. “What would be the point?” I said finally.

Tyler ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “You can’t tell me there is nothing between us.”

“I’m not saying that.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me?”

“What would this something between us look like, Tyler? Last time I checked, you were still Gabe’s brother. I can’t see how anything can happen.”

“Despite the fact that you are attracted to me.”

“Yes,” I said without thinking. “Despite that.”

Tyler smiled and walked towards me. “So you admit it then? You admit that you’re attracted to me?”

I rolled my eyes, stepping backwards as he stepped forward. “Of course I admit it. You are…” My words faded as he stepped closer. I stood frozen to the spot, trapped by his steel-grey eyes.

“I’m what?” he asked, stopping only a fraction from me. I could feel the heat radiating from his body, the intensity of his gaze as he undressed me with his eyes. He was so devilishly handsome. All I wanted to do was crush my mouth to his. I wanted him to take me. Claim me. Do everything he ever wanted to me. Looking up into his eyes, I tried not to inhale and let the scent of him get to me. He made me feel small and insignificant at the same time as making me feel like the only person that existed in this world.

“I want you,” he said. “But I want you to want me too.” He bent his head so there was only a hairsbreadth between our lips. “Do you want me, Lauren?”