Chapter 11

Tuesday night, Olivia put him with Mistress Lisa again. 

Not that there was anything wrong with that per se… but it wasn’t exactly what he’d wanted. Obviously. He’d hoped she would decide to stand in as her instructor herself. Everything was easier when he was with her; his self-doubts lowered, the anxieties nagging at him subsided… he stopped caring what other people might think about him being dominated, how they might perceive him.

When he went to her office after class to ask her, she told him she didn’t want to mix his training up with whatever was going on with them. New submissives could have trouble sorting through their emotions for their first dominant and their emotions about kink in general.

He’d scowled. She’d just given him a pointed look and asked in a purring, sultry voice if he was ready to give up his ass to her.

Which had made his cock surge and his sphincter tighten at the same time, and when he hadn’t been able to immediately answer in the affirmative, she’d just nodded her head, gray eyes full of understanding, but also disappointment. Olivia wasn’t going to do more with him unless he was all in… he thought he could be but… Whenever he was away from her his doubts would grow again. Nag at him. He’d wonder if he’d imagined how much he’d liked the anal play. Then cringe when he admitted to himself he definitely hadn’t imagined it, or it wouldn’t be disturbing him so much now. It was like an itch in the back of his brain and he just wanted her to play with him so that itch would go away again, the way it had before when he could just focus on her and not on the little thoughts pricking at him like tiny, doubting needles.

When Nick made a crack at him on Wednesday, asking him if Olivia had made him her bitch yet, he’d snapped back at his brother and hung up on him. Nick had called back immediately, apologizing, but it had only emphasized Luke’s own discomfort with everything. The obnoxious, tiny but intrusive voice in the back of his head that said he shouldn’t have liked everything Olivia did to him so much.

It was easy to stomp that voice down when he was in her presence.

Not so easy when he wasn’t and his brother was teasing him without knowing it had become a touchy subject. 

Going online helped, but it wasn’t the same as talking to someone in person. While it was reassuring to know he wasn’t the only one who was having these thoughts, it wasn’t like he knew any of the people talking. Going by some of the advice being handed out, he wasn’t even sure some of them were actually into kink or just playing at it. Definitely the guy calling himself MasterAssSucker3000 and telling people to open their minds and holes or be forever trapped in bourgeois sex lives (whatever that meant) did not inspire confidence.

After accepting his brother’s apology, he took Molly for a run to work off some energy. Fifty pounds of brown, fluffy excitement, she was more than happy to give him a serious workout and then snuggle with him on the couch while he watched bladesmiths competing to be named master of the forge or something. Unfortunately, as awesome as his dog was, she couldn’t exactly give him any advice or reassurance either—although she was a very good listener.

So on Thursday, after another class with Mistress Lisa and another round of feeling awkward and uncomfortable unless Olivia came by to watch them, Luke headed to Stronghold. 

Despite what Olivia had said about the other women in the class struggling with similar issues, Luke just couldn’t bring himself to talk to any of them. Domi and Rae were friendly but kind of their own little unit, Samantha kept to herself in general, and Morgan… well, Morgan was not the type of woman he could see befriending or confiding in. She was too wrapped up in appearances and flirting. 

He’d meant to go into the club and see if Charlie was there—Charlie was a submissive who usually scened with male dominants but occasionally with Olivia when she asked him to. He wasn’t exactly looking forward to talking to one of Olivia’s main scene partners, even if he happened to know she hadn’t scened with him in a while (thank you, club gossip), but he needed to talk to someone. 

But when he walked into the lobby and saw Freddy behind the desk, he paused. Considered. 

“Hey Luke!” Freddy said cheerfully, looking up from the computer. In his mid-twenties, Freddy was a staple of Stronghold. He basically ran the front desk now that Lexie was usually helping Patrick with other things and everyone knew he was submissive. With his love of fashion and flamboyant manners, those who didn’t know him often assumed he was gay, but Luke had only seen Freddy scene with Dommes since he’d started coming to the club. 

“Hey Freddy,” Luke said, coming forward and taking off his coat.

He’d changed after class, as usual, so he was wearing his regular jeans and company t-shirt. Freddy gave him a look and Luke sheepishly tugged the shirt over his head as well before also taking off his shoes and handing them to Freddy. Since Luke was now training as a submissive he was also technically supposed to look the part when at Stronghold, even if he wasn’t going to be playing for the evening.

As Freddy took Luke’s things, Luke hesitated.

“Freddy…” His voice trailed off as he tried to think about what he wanted to say. Could say.

Pausing in his duties, Freddy looked up at Luke, blue eyes curious. Taking in Luke’s expression and the way he shifted uncomfortably back and forth on his feet, the other male submissive seemed to immediately understand.

“You look like you need someone to talk to,” Freddy said, his voice lifting slightly on the end of the sentence to make it sound more like a question.

“Yeah… but, you’re working,” Luke said, still feeling uncomfortable. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk to Freddy specifically; he didn’t really want to talk to anyone about his insecurities. Just the thought of saying them out loud made them sound stupid in his head. He had a feeling Freddy would be pretty easy to talk to, but part of him wanted to put off talking period.

“Give me a sec,” Freddy said, flashing Luke a reassuring smile before picking up the desk phone. Luke had a fleeting thought about running away… but Freddy had already taken his coat, shirt, and shoes. If he’d brought in the club clothes he’d worn during class at Marquis he would have been able to change in the locker room rather than effectively trapping himself by handing over his stuff. Freddy smiled at Luke as he started speaking to whoever had picked up the phone. “Hey hun, can you come cover the front desk for me for a bit? I have a subbie in need of a talk.”

Luke tried not to feel weird about being called a subbie. He didn’t think any less of the other submissives when they were called by the affectionate diminutive, so he didn’t know why he had the odd worry that others would think less of him for being called a subbie. Then again, his nagging worry about what others might think of him were part of why he’d wanted to talk to someone in the first place, second only to his worry over struggling with submitting.

A moment later Lexie came out of Patrick’s office, wearing one of her boyfriend’s huge shirts to cover her slim body, and Luke wanted to run away even more. Her blue eyes looked huge in her heart-shaped face, and her short black hair was mussed, making him think it was likely the two weren’t just working back there tonight. Then again, they seemed to mix their work with pleasure on a regular basis. A pang of envy joined the mix of anxiety and self-doubt already churning away inside of him. He was starting to feel like a cat with its fur rubbed the wrong way.

She smiled at him, in very much the same way Freddy had, which soothed some of the unsettling feelings making his skin itch.

“Hey Luke! I was wondering when you’d be by for the talk.”

“You were?” he asked stupidly, feeling odd. It occurred to him that both Freddy and Lexie seemed to already know—or think they knew—why he was there.

“Oh yeah, not too many newbies make it through their first few months without needing someone to talk to,” she said with a smile. “Freddy’s good, he’ll take care of you.”

“Thanks sweetheart,” Freddy said, batting his eyes at her before gesturing to Luke to precede him to the door into the club.

The man on duty tonight as bouncer was a dominant named Vincent, whom Luke had seen around Stronghold with his long-time, collared sub named Mathew. Vincent smiled at Luke too, the same kind of smile Freddy and Lexie had given him. It was almost like he’d entered some kind of initiation rite he hadn’t known had existed till now.

He couldn’t help but wonder if they really knew what was going on with him, although they seemed confident they did. Were his doubts and anxieties really so common they had been expecting him to need a confidant at some point and could they really anticipate his issues?

“If you need ever someone else to talk to and Freddy’s not around, my boy is always available for a chat,” Vincent said with an encouraging smile.

“Thank you,” Luke said, feeling a little off kilter, as though he’d entered an alternate universe where everyone seemed to know what was going on except him. They were all supportive though, which made him feel a little better.

To his surprise, Freddy didn’t lead him to the Lounge area—which was where most submissives usually headed. It was fairly crowded for a Thursday night, but the bar was a little bit less so. Apparently more submissives had shown up this evening than dominants, which was a little unusual. Luke had noticed it was usually the other way around.

Freddy veered immediately to a table on the far end where the bar was the least crowded. Looking around, Luke realized it had the worst view of the Lounge where the other submissives were lounging. He didn’t see any of the Dommes or male submissives on the floor currently and didn’t know if he was relieved he had Freddy to talk to immediately or if he wished he’d been able to procrastinate and put off talking to someone a little longer.

A pretty blonde immediately popped up next to their table—Luke couldn’t remember her name, although he’d seen her serving in the club before—and took their drink orders. Rum and coke for Freddy, a shot of whiskey and a beer for Luke. He figured he could use the alcohol boost for the conversation ahead.

“So,” Freddy said as soon as she turned away. “What would you like to talk about?”

Luke stared at him for a moment before a slight feeling of disgruntlement rose up in him. He leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest a little defensively. “Well it seems like everyone seems to think they know what I need, so why don’t you tell me what you think it is and I’ll tell you if you’re right.”

Unperturbed by Luke’s slightly aggrieved tones, Freddy just grinned widely at him. “It looks to me like you’ve hit the point of ‘am I really submissive’ and, or ‘is it okay for me to be submissive.’ Might have something to do with what you did in class, but basically you’re questioning if all of this is what you really want.” He waved his hand, indicating the club as a whole to denote all of what he was talking about.

Some of the frustration and defensiveness leaked out of Luke. He didn’t even really know why he’d been feeling it. “That’s close enough… I guess. I just… there were things I didn’t really think I’d enjoy that I’m really enjoying. But liking them doesn’t really fit in with how I saw myself. Not that liking them is bad…”

He felt like he was tripping over his words, trying to explain without insulting someone else who probably liked the same thing he was working very hard not to explicitly say.

Unlike him, however, Freddy had no shame.

“Yeah, I actually didn’t need the subbie talk until after the first time I was pegged,” he said casually, making Luke turn bright red as the blonde submissive returned with their drinks right as Freddy made the statement. Neither she nor Freddy looked perturbed though. She grinned and winked at him.

“I needed mine the first time I did pet play,” she said with a giggle and another wink, this time for Luke, before bouncing away.

“So… this is like a thing?” Luke asked, feeling both a little relieved and maybe a little let down. Not that he wanted to be entirely unique without anyone who understood what he was going through, but for some reason it was strange to realize it was completely normal. He downed his shot of whiskey,

“Here it is,” Freddy said, taking a sip from the rum and coke he’d ordered. “Some people work through it on their own, but since this is a pretty supportive community with lots of people who have been through the same process, we all try to look out for each other. This is only the second full on class of submissives that we’ve had, and the last one only consisted of two women, but almost everyone needed some kind of talk either after their Introduction Scene or their first full-on scene when in a relationship. Sometimes both, since the Intro Scenes don’t cover everything.”

“You had doubts about being a submissive too? This is just, totally normal?” Luke asked. Relief was definitely taking over as the dominant emotion. The burn of alcohol through his chest seemed to also burn away some of his uncertainties.

“Oh, tons,” Freddy said cheerfully. “Especially because I prefer women to men. I like both, but there are less men whom I’m drawn to than women. I sometimes wish it was the other way around. For some reason it’s more ‘socially acceptable’ to submit to another man than it is to a woman. Not here, of course, but out there.” He waved his hand to indicate the world in general outside of Stronghold.

Well that answered the question of Freddy’s sexuality, not that Luke had really been interested to begin with. He was much more interested in Freddy’s observation about submitting to a woman versus a man. It touched a chord within him, even though he hadn’t thought he was that kind of guy, but apparently Freddy had struggled as well which made Luke feel a lot better. Freddy was so confident in himself and who he was, Luke had kind of assumed fully submitting must have come easily to him. At least, more easily than it was to Luke. Luckily, Freddy didn’t even make Luke ask, he just took another sip of his drink and continued his explanation.

“Try explaining to your friends who aren’t into kink that you’re not upset about your girlfriend bossing you around, you find it hot,” Freddy said with an eye roll. “It’s an unfortunately fast way to find out who is a true friend and who buys into toxic masculinity stereotypes which make them uncomfortable being around you. But it still made a lot of my real friends uncomfortable to see women being so ‘aggressive’ or ‘demanding’, as they saw it. There’s a reason most of us in the lifestyle learn not to talk about what we do in the bedroom with anyone who isn’t also in the lifestyle, and why a lot of people who don’t confine their activities to the bedroom tend to make friends with others who are also in the lifestyle or at least play with kink.”

“So what made you decide to continue?” Luke said, feeling a pang of sadness for Freddy. Even though the other man wasn’t being obvious about it, it was clear he was describing a painful time for himself.

“Honestly, I didn’t at the time. I stopped exploring that side of myself for about a year,” Freddy said with a grimace. “Then I hooked up with another woman who had a lot of dominant qualities even though she wasn’t into BDSM. She liked to take control in the bedroom though and it was like… getting a little taste just reawakened the craving. The little bit I got from her wasn’t enough, and I realized I’d spent the past year trying to suppress a part of myself, and for what? So other people could feel more comfortable? About my life and who I am?” He settled back into his seat from where he’d straightened up, blushing a little and taking another long pull of his drink through his straw. “I get a little passionate about it.”

“Makes sense to me,” Luke said, becoming a bit sheepish himself. “I snapped my brother’s head off when he made a joke about it yesterday. He was just teasing since he knows about the lifestyle and I think he’s interested in it too, but as a dominant. Which I guess helped make me feel extra sensitive about being teased.”

“Hopefully now he’ll know better,” Freddy said. “If not, you can always suggest he sign up to be a member at Stronghold, which means going through the Dom class. The Doms have to experience everything they want to do to a submissive.” The gleeful way he said it made Luke grin. He didn’t know if it was Freddy, the conversation, or the alcohol, but he was definitely feeling better.

******

Luke came in, he’s talking to Freddy.

A strange sense of relief swept through Olivia as she read Lexie’s text message.

Actually, it wasn’t that strange, it was just that she didn’t entirely want to feel relieved about Luke seeking out another submissive to talk to. She’d started to convince herself it might be better if he gave up on the whole being a submissive thing and just contented himself with being a partner in Marquis. Feeling relieved meant she wasn’t as detached from him as she liked to pretend.

It meant she wasn’t as nonchalant about whether or not he’d make it through this week of training as she’d been acting. Yeah, she’d been doing her denial thing again.

She’d gotten a taste of what it could be like to really have Luke submit to her and she wanted more.

The only way to resist temptation is to give in. Oscar Wilde had always turned a phrase nicely. Olivia sighed. She’d definitely given in. Wondered if she’d done the right thing. Wondered if she’d pushed Luke too far, too fast. Wondered if he was going to cut and run.

But if he was talking things out with Freddy, it was unlikely.

She’d felt kind of bad earlier tonight, when he’d wanted to charm her and flirt with her like he normally did, and she’d basically shut him down by reminding him she wanted to claim his ass eventually. But it was better not to pretend she was something she wasn’t. That was a lesson she’d learned a long time ago. If he wanted to date her, she’d want to keep pushing his boundaries, in a way he obviously wasn’t entirely comfortable with.

That’s good. Her text back to Lexie was short and to the point. It was definitely good for Luke if he could talk his problems out with someone.

She just hoped he’d still want to see her at the end of it. Which made her grimace a little. It seemed like every time she turned around, he’d dug himself under her skin a little more.

Watching him with Lisa tonight had been torture, especially because it was obvious he wasn’t having fun submitting to a woman he wasn’t actually sexually interested in while the one he was interested in watched. Granted, not all the submissives were interested in or even attracted to all the dominants—Mitch seemed to have given up on Rae already—but they, at least, weren’t also in the presence of someone they did want to get to know better. To impress.

Sighing to herself again, she punched in Jared’s name on her phone and leaned back in her chair, listening to it ring as she waited for him to pick up.

“Hey Olivia. Everything okay?”

“Yes, yes, I’m fine,” she said a little brusquely. Even though it had been days since ‘cunt’ had been keyed into her car door and nothing else had happened since then, everyone seemed to expect something would at any moment. “Nothing bad has happened.”

Jared’s deep chuckle at her impatience made her smile a little reluctantly. Although she was close with all the guys, she’d always been closest to Jared. Maybe because he was so quiet and nonjudgmental, easy to talk to, or maybe because she felt he needed looking out for the most. Maybe a combination of all three.

“What can I do for you?”

That’s what she loved the most about Jared. No nosy or digging questions, just a simple query about what she wanted from him. Of course any of her friends would give her anything she asked for, but they’d be prying the whole time. Gossip queens. Something she benefited from usually, but she wasn’t a fan of when it targeted her.

“I’m just feeling antsy,” she said, keeping one foot on the ground while she started twisting her office chair back and forth. She didn’t let it spin all the way around, but she had it moving in a semi-circle, giving her the slight feeling of moving through the air. As usual though, even if she was feeling hesitant, she jumped right into her problem at hand. “I think I might like Luke.”

“Well, I like Luke too.” Amusement colored his voice.

Olivia scowled. “You know what I mean. And this is just between you and me, no telling your girlfriend. You know she’ll tell Angel, and then Angel will tell Adam, and then it’s off to the races.”

“Leigh’s at the gym, you’re safe,” he said teasingly, and Olivia couldn’t help but smile. Jared was a lot more playful ever since he’d dumped Truck Stop, his evil black hole of an ex-girlfriend, and gotten together with Leigh. It was like seeing the true person she’d always known was somewhere in there, but he’d kept squashed down while he was with Thundercunt. Now he was completely himself and she loved it. Even if she’d hadn’t loved Leigh for herself, she would have loved her for the way she’d affected Jared’s life. “So… you like like Luke?”

“I’m starting to regret calling you,” she muttered.

“I’m kind of surprised you did,” he replied. “Normally you don’t want to talk much about your men.”

“I don’t have men,” she countered, drawing out the last word. “I’m not keeping anyone hanging on a string. I just have play partners, and unlike Andrew when he was going through his man-whore phase, I don’t even usually have sex with them.”

“But now you’re thinking about Luke as something more than a play partner,” Jared mused. He wasn’t asking, he was talking out loud and making the assumption. He wasn’t wrong either.

“I’m pretty sure it’s a bad idea,” she admitted, swinging her chair a little harder. She rubbed her hand on her jeans over her thigh, wiping at an invisible spot. Luke made her feel uncertain about a lot of things, which she didn’t like at all.

“Why?”

“Because he’s my boss.”

To her surprise, Jared didn’t argue that, as a silent partner, Luke might not really be considered her boss.

“So? Patrick was Lexie’s boss.”

“Yeah but…” Her voice trailed off and she made a face. Ugh, she so did not want to admit the truth.

“But…”

“That’s different. He’s the dominant sexually and Lexie is a woman. I’m not just the dominant, but I’m a dominant woman. Luke’s already struggling with being a submissive, how am I supposed to maintain being a dominant when he’s my boss?” Olivia hoped to high hell she didn’t sound as whiny as she felt saying all of that.

She was relieved when her question was greeted with silence. Which meant Jared was really thinking about his answer. Another reason she’d opted to speak with him; he was a highly empathic person. Even though he’d never been in this position, he’d do his best to truly imagine himself in her shoes. And he wouldn’t give her shit about it like most of their friends.

“Do you think he’ll try to abuse his position if you start a personal relationship?”

“No. Maybe. I don’t know.” Olivia leaned back in the chair, just using one toe to keep up her swinging motion. She tapped her finger against her thigh, pressing her lips together as she tried to sort through her concerns. “I don’t know him well enough to be sure. He doesn’t seem like the type… but he’s new to the scene, a male submissive, and when we’re not in the bedroom he’s definitely not submissive at all. Which I would love, if he wasn’t my boss. He’s having issues coming to terms with some of the things he likes as a submissive man, especially the things society doesn’t generally deem ‘masculine.’ It’s entirely possible, at some point, he may feel the need to exert dominance over me in response, and the most likely place for that to occur would be at Marquis.”

Not just possible, it wouldn’t be unusual. People took different paths on the road to sexual submission, but men tended to struggle the most with the perception they had of themselves outside the bedroom and what they enjoyed inside of it. At least, from her observations. Then again, she mostly played with men, so maybe women had it just as bad in the long run…

And now she was rambling inside her own head to keep from thinking about Luke.

“I could see that,” Jared said thoughtfully. “I don’t think he seems like the type either, but coming into the lifestyle can bring up all sorts of things we don’t expect.”

“I’m having Lisa top him for the classes for now,” she said, moving her hand to the arm of her chair because tapping her own thigh was starting to annoy her but she couldn’t seem to make herself stop.

“I heard.” The teasing note was back in his voice again.

Oliva suppressed a smile, even though he couldn’t see her expression. “I think I’m going to be really disappointed if he cuts and runs from the class.”

“From you.” His tone had gentled, but he’d hit on the main point, the main concern bothering her right now.

She stared up at the ceiling. “Yes.”

“We can’t control the future. Or really even control our submissives, as much as we might like to try,” Jared said, almost ruefully. “Although, with their consent we can sometimes alter some of their behaviors. All you can do is wait and see what happens. Unless you think you want to cut and run.”

She’d already tried that, but Luke had proved pretty persistent. All this time, he’d waited her out. At the very least, he deserved for her to be patient and give him some time too.

“No,” she said slowly. “I don’t think I want to do that.”

“Oh good. I’ve been hoping for some entertainment at the club,” he teased.

“Dick.”

******

Marquis was quiet in the morning, which was why Olivia liked the early hour. To her surprise, she wasn’t completely alone though. She came in through the back rather than the front, thinking she would be, but Nick and his sous chef Avery were already there as well.

“Good morning,” Avery said cheerfully, looking up from whatever she was chopping.

“Morning,” Olivia said, giving her and Nick a wave. Whatever they were making, it smelled good, which boded well for the restaurant. Since Avery went right back to work and Nick had barely looked up, Olivia didn’t stop to chat.

She headed upstairs to her office, smiling as she walked through Marquis’ main floor. It was all cleared out again since the submissive class wouldn’t return until Tuesday. Every time she walked through she got a little proprietary thrill, especially in the mornings when everything was quiet and no one else was there.

When she stepped into her office, her footsteps slowed as she saw there was something waiting for her on her desk again. Two boxes. No flowers. Moving closer, she could see a raspberry chocolate bar placed next to them, and her lips immediately curved into a secretive smile.

As she came close enough to see what was in the boxes, she had to laugh.

One anal training set with gradually larger plugs, five in all, and a very large tube of lube.

Well that was one way to make a statement.

She was still giggling when her phone went off, and somehow she wasn’t at all surprised to see Luke’s name on her screen. Choking down her laughter, she hit the call accept and lifted the phone to her ear.

“Hello?”

“Do you like your present?” he asked, and she could hear the smile in his voice, the teasing. He sounded more himself, not as forced as he had been since the scene in her apartment.

“That depends, who am I supposed to be using these on?” she parried, giving him a little of his own back.

Luke just chuckled, and her body warmed to the sound. “Me.” He paused. “Not immediately, maybe, but yes, me.”

“Are you sure?” she pressed a little harder, her amusement fading away because this was a serious conversation even if he’d initiated it in a lighthearted manner.

“Yes. I wasn’t before, I’ll admit. Not all of this is easy for me.”

“I don’t want to make you do something you’re not truly into, just for me,” she said, running her finger over the plugs. They were a nice set. The largest one was just a little larger than her favorite strap-on dildo. “That’s not my kink.”

“It’s not mine either, Scarlet,” he drawled. Olivia felt her lips twist. She was never going to admit to how much she liked him calling her that. Just like she had a feeling he was never going to admit to liking being called ‘cupcake’. “Like I said, my main problem was enjoying it too much. It made me question some things about myself, brought up some odd feelings, but I’m going to work on it. I want this. I want you.”

Olivia did like a man who knew what he wanted. “If it’s any help, liking taking it up the ass doesn’t make you gay. Although if you did want to test those waters, there are plenty of Doms at Stronghold who would love to assist.”

All too true. She had a feeling Kincaid wasn’t entirely immune to Luke’s charms either. Patrick had let her know exactly how many of the gay and bi Doms were intrigued by Luke coming out as a submissive.

“Definitely straight. In fact, I’m starting to feel like I’m really only interested in submitting to one very specific person.”

She had to work hard to squelch the giddy little bubbles rising up in her chest. Dammit. She wasn’t a teenage school girl with a crush, no matter how Luke occasionally made her feel like one.

“Well you’re going to continue working with Mistress Lisa during classes for at least another week,” she said firmly. Olivia still didn’t want to mix business with pleasure, and the class was business, although if pleasure worked out she’d be willing to revisit the issue…

“I can live with that. Are you going to be at Stronghold tonight?”

“Yes.” Oh Lordy. If he managed to make her feel any more like a giddy teenager she would not be able to hold together her intimidating Domme persona. The little bubbles in her chest continued to fizz and she had a stupid smile on her face which she couldn’t push down no matter how hard she tried. “See you there.”