What the hell were you thinking?

I’d been asking myself that since I handed over my address to that girl from McDonald’s.

“What exactly were you thinking?” my best friend echoed, minus the curse.

I shrugged. “There’s no guarantee she’ll even come. Maybe she’d think I was just playing with her and forget about it.”

Part of me was hoping she would do that. Though, there was a more significant part hoping she would say yes.

“Hey, little guy. Can you believe this dad of yours? He did something really silly, you know? Tell him.”

Edward just giggled where he sat beside me.

We were in my bedroom, both of us sitting on my bed. I had a large TV set up on the wall across from the bed, and we were on a video call with Chris. I’d known the guy for most of my life, and he was even Edward’s godfather. Also, one of the few people my son was still himself around. I’d already explained to him everything that had happened, and his thoughts were aligned with mine.

“I honestly don’t know why I did that,” I admitted. “I guess I’ve grown desperate now, huh?”

There was no other explanation for my behavior.

Sure. It has nothing to do with the fact that she’s legal age, and you think she’s attractive, Ryan.

I winced and pushed that voice to the back of my head. I’d been trying very hard not to think about it. Chris didn’t miss it, of course, and he gave me a look to tell me he’d be asking about it once I had Edward out of the room.

“What do you know about her, then?” he asked.

I hummed. “Well, she did tell me a lot of stuff. A little too much. She left home because her mom couldn’t afford to send her to college, and she wanted to look for work so she could pay her own way.”

Chris nodded his head slowly. “If that’s the truth, then she’d probably not be that bad. If she’s willing to work her way through college on her own… that is, of course, if she wasn’t lying.”

“I don’t think she could have lied to me, though,” I murmured. “I mean, not that it would be impossible or anything, but just… the way she acted…”

Not to mention how sad she’d looked. The red eyes that made it clear she’d been crying.

Fuck. I was only just thinking about it, but I could have asked if she even had a place to stay since she’d moved out of her home.

Too late to think about that now, Ryan, I chided myself.

“Hey, Eddie? Isn’t it time for you to go to sleep now? You feel tired, buddy?”

Now that Chris had brought it up, I looked down at Edward. He looked at Chris, then at me, and he nodded his head slowly. I frowned. I should have been keeping an eye on him. I should have been the one to notice my little boy was getting sleepy.

“Do you want daddy to tuck you in?” I asked, sliding off the bed and picking him up. He nodded languidly with his cheek resting on my shoulder. I glanced at the screen. “Wait a minute, would you?”

Chris waved. “Goodnight, kid. I’ll come see you when I get back home, all right?”

Edward raised his head long enough to send back a wave, then I carried him out of my bedroom and over to his. His bedroom was across from mine and, when I slept, I kept both our doors slightly open, so he could find me whenever he wanted. He had a night light on his bedside table that he could easily carry, so he wouldn’t have to worry about the dark when coming to me. Other than moving him directly into my room—a move I’d been told not to give into—it was the best I could think of to ensure his comfort just in case he had a nightmare and it woke him up.

I carried my son over to his bed, crouching down to pull back the covers before laying him down with his head on the pillow.

“Goodnight, Eddie,” I whispered as I tucked the covers around him. I ruffled his hair gently, and he smiled sleepily up at me.

“’Night, daddy,” he whispered.

I smiled back, leaving him with a peck on his forehead. I might have lost my wife in one of the worst ways possible, but I still considered myself pretty lucky to have my little boy with me.

I left his room with the door just slightly open. I went over to my room, then moved to sit on the bed. Chris was still there on the TV, and I sighed.

“Before you start, Chris, I wasn’t thinking anything when I offered a job to that girl. I just figured she needed one.”

He arched an eyebrow at me, the look so condescending, I wished he was really in front of me so I could give him a smack on the back of the head.

“So, if I asked if this girl was attractive…”

“She was also eighteen, you jackass.”

He shrugged. “So what? She’s legal age, Ryan. There’s nothing wrong with thinking she’s attractive.”

“You know that isn’t what I’m looking for anyway,” I said with a scoff.

Even though I had to admit, that even as distraught as she’d looked, Lexi really was pretty.

“You could have at least told her a little of what you wanted from her, you know. What happens if she says no?”

I frowned to myself. The possibility had occurred to me, I just didn’t want to think too much about it, because it was the last thing I wanted.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do about it, but all the other surrogates have failed, Chris. I wasn’t joking when I said I was desperate.”

I needed one, and soon. I’d met plenty of women already, all of them willing. But either I found fault with them, or my son didn’t like them. He might not know exactly what I was meeting the women for, but I was getting my son’s input on this. Because whether or not this woman would be in our lives in the future, her genes would be.

“Maybe I really should wait on this,” I muttered.

Chris sighed. “That was what I said about it, remember? You have your hands full with Edward right now, don’t you? Are you sure you can handle a baby in the house?”

“There’s no way to know unless it happens,” I pointed out. “And, it’s not like I’m doing all this for no reason at all. You know how much Edward wants a sibling right now. How can I refuse him?”

Already, he’d had his mother taken away from him, and, of all the things he could have asked of me, a little brother or little sister was it. Maybe it was spoiling him, but I wanted Edward to have what he wanted if it would make him happy. It made me a little sad to think he’d have to forget about his mom, but there was nothing I could do about it.

“And do you think this girl would be the right woman for this?”

Any other person, I would have shrugged it off. But, with Lexi… I wasn’t sure what it was exactly, but I liked her, even though I knew nothing about her. I hadn't offered her the job just because I’d felt sorry for her, after all. And, if she decided in the end that she didn’t want it, I would look for another job for her.

“She’s pretty,” I said, looking up at Chris. “After how cold she was at first, she just talked and talked. A little too much, but I guess I thought it was cute.” I had a serious look on my face, and Chris mirrored my expression back to me.

“You do realize, that just because she’d be the mother—if she even agrees—personal traits probably don’t carry over?”

I snorted. “I’m not stupid, you know. But a child of mine is going to have half my genes and half someone else’s. I at least have the right to like the other half of those genes, Chris.”

He held his hands up in mock surrender. “I didn’t say anything at all. You can do whatever you want, Ryan, you know that. I just hope you’ve thought the whole thing through. I worry about your fool head when I’m not there to help you in case you fuck up.”

I laughed. “When was the last time I ever fucked up, huh? Isn’t that usually you?”

I had been the married one, after all, for a few years, and I’d loved playing the good husband and father to my son. Chris still very much lived the life of a bachelor. I had never, not once, envied him that. Even after I lost Kora.

“I… do think she’s perfect for the option of my surrogate,” I said honestly. “Now… it’s just getting her to agree that I’m worried about.”

Because I might be questioning my sanity for deciding to do this in the first place, but never once had I regretted handing that girl my address. I could do a check on her before we signed anything, but I wanted it to be her.