The last three nights have been a sleepless hell, not even the strongest pain meds able to help. My dad has given me the cold shoulder since spilling about Oren. My thoughts are so blurred with wild emotion and hurt.

I knock once on the white door. Then knock two more times before it swings open.

“Olivia.” Oren’s out of breath standing inside his apartment and like always, he takes my breath away. He pulls the door open wider, silently inviting me in. Boxes are scattered all over his bare apartment. Looks like he’s moving on.

“I’m bringing this back to you.” I open up my palm to reveal his apartment key.

“Olivia.”

“Oren, don’t please.”

After several moments pass I set the key on his table, knowing he’s not going to take it on his own.

“My dad told me everything.”

“Just let me tell you how sorry I am.”

“When you went back to California for that re-certification.”

“I lied.” He drops his head. “I went to get the rest of my things out of storage.”

In a bold move, he reaches out for my arm and tugs me to the couch.

“I finally stood up for myself and left home. My transfer brought me here and I’ll never regret that. Olivia, I love you and have since the first day I saw you. Please just know that.” He pauses. “I know you hate me, but I’ll love you forever.”

“Did you go to see her in California?”

“Olivia, do you remember when I opened up about my family at the lake?”

I only nod not ready to hear the rest.

“She was part of my parent’s plan. We were in love a long time ago, but it faded, it was dumb high school shit, but my parents love her. They love her looks, last name, and the fact her father is the mayor of our town. They love her. I don’t and broke it off.”

“Did you sleep with her when she was here?”

“Fuck no!” Oren whirls around, sending his fist through the plaster on the wall, leaving behind a huge hole. “How could you even think that Olivia?”

I stand with anger coursing through my veins. “What in the hell am I supposed to think, Oren? I show up and there’s a gorgeous blonde on your bed claiming she’s your fiancé. You fucking tell me!”

“She’s not my fiancé, Olivia.”

“You had her in your goddamn room while you were in your boxers!”

“She wouldn’t leave.” He raises his voice to a roar. “She’s a fucking psycho.”

I step up to him and thump with each word I speak. “You are a chicken shit, Oren. A fucking coward. You knew I was scared and vulnerable and you used me.”

“I love you. I never used you, Olivia. You’re wrong.”

“I’m done here.” I spin on my heels to head for the door. My palm reaches the brass knob when I feel Oren press into my back.

“You’re not leaving like this again. I don’t care how much you hate me right now.”

“Let me go.” Sobs attack my voice as the flood of tears fall.

He dips his head lower to my neck. “I’m not letting go, Olivia, ever.”

“I still love you, Oren. I can’t sleep or function without you.”

“Will you please look at me?”

I slowly turn around until I’m facing him and my back is pressed up against the door. He clutches both sides of my face in his large palms.

“Give me another chance, please. Just sit down and let me be open about my past.”

“What if I just want to love you again?” I ask with a shaky voice.

“That’s all I want, baby, but please know I never cheated on you or was engaged when we started dating. That’s way in my past.”

“How do we move on? Also, how do we know she’ll never come back?”

“I pressed harassment charges on her. She’d blow up my email, texts, and any way possible. I had plenty of evidence. Just had to swallow my pride.”

“Oren, I love you. You’re my first love.” My voice hitches in raw emotion. “I’m going back to work and need to adjust. Please don’t move, but understand I need time. I’m so angry at you and the world; it’s wrong and I need to find that inner peace before we can be okay.”

“I’ll wait for you, Olivia. Take as long as you need. I’ll cancel my transfer. I’ll always be here for you.”

“You have to let me go now,” I say with a smile through my tears.

“I’m scared, Olivia. Last time…” he trails off then his tears fall. “I went after you throwing on clothes as fast as I could. I didn’t make it in time to stop you and the next thing I saw was your car tangled up in a pretzel.”

“I was so messed up in the head after seeing her in your room.”

“I held you in my arms praying to anyone that would listen to save you. I’ll never forgive myself, Olivia, never. I was ashamed of my past and it eventually ended up hurting you.”

“My actions hurt me. I should’ve asked questions and listened to you, but I ran and I’m never running again.”

Oren drops his forehead to mine. “I’m so sorry, Olivia.”

“Oren, you really are going to have to let me go.”

“I can’t. I don’t want to. I’m scared, O.”

“Trust.” I peck his lips with a soft kiss. “Trust is all we are going to have from here on out. Let me go.”

“Text me when you get home.”

“About that…” I scrunch up my nose. “I broke my phone because my wallpaper was a goofy pic of you fishing during our camping trip. My contract is up at the end of September and I can get a new phone.”

“Oh, Olivia, then call me when you get home from your landline.”

“I promise.”

Oren takes a tentative step back, giving me room to open the door and leave.

“I love you, Olivia.”

I shut the door behind me, stepping out into the sunshine and seeing everything in a different light. My footsteps aren’t so heavy, my heart not so shattered, and my soul shining with new hope.

Forgiveness is a funny creature. It takes courage to even step in the direction of it and even more strength to walk the path. If my mom could leave her homeland and find a new life here and eventually the love of her life; I can forgive, forget, and move on to something beautiful that I deserve.