I cried all the way home that night, after telling Dallas Corbett I needed some time to think. I did need some time to think, that was true. But I also needed him. Or that's what it felt like, anyway. When he put his hand on my leg all I wanted to do was melt into him, turn to him, let him wrap his strong arms around me and make love to me until there was nothing left in the world but the two of us.

That was a nice fantasy. It noticeably did not involve a baby son and some random woman Dallas slept with last summer.

For a couple of days I waited, going to work and coming back home at night, entirely trusting that sooner or later, he would have something to say. A plan. Maybe an apology – or, if that wasn't going to happen, just something that let me know he understood how difficult it was for me. A statement about his feelings for me. Something. Anything.

On the third day, when there had been no calls and he hadn't stopped by Parson's, I had my first shift with Amber since seeing him. I'd sort of been avoiding the topic, even in text conversations, waiting for some word from Dallas. When none came, and I knew I was going to be chit-chatting with Amber all day, it had to come out.

"So, it is his kid, by the way," I said during the first lull in customers.

Amber whipped around in her seat to look at me. "Holy shit! Really? Dallas Corbett has a baby? That's crazy, Tia!" She caught herself almost at once, shaking her head and frowning. "I'm sorry, that's not what I mean – I'm just shocked, not excited. Dallas Corbett has a baby – OK. That sucks. Damn. So, like, what's the deal? He's not with the mother, is he?"

I gave her a quick rundown of the situation and her first comment was to ask me what I was going to do.

"I don't know. He hasn't called or messaged for days – I mean, I did say I wanted some time to think. But yeah, I don't know. Maybe I won't know until he figures out what he's going to do about the baby. I mean, I'm nineteen – and I also just went through something really awful, something I'm probably never really going to get over. Do I want to be getting involved with someone who has a child?"

"How does he know it's his?"

It dawned on me that I hadn't asked Dallas that question. Probably because I'd just assumed he knew the baby was his.

"You know there's rumors he comes from money – family money. Maybe she saw a paycheck? I'm not trying to go all conspiracy-theorist here but it's not unheard of."

I shrugged. "I'm not sure. I just assumed he knew. I'll ask him when I talk to him next."

* * *

A couple more days passed, and there was still nothing in the way of communication from Dallas. I started to miss him. On the fifth day, I called him and got no answer. It didn't seem strange, at first – he was probably out in the fields, tending to the animals. But he hadn't come into Parson's either. When he didn't respond to my call, it triggered something in me, something that felt compulsive and unpleasant. I was very close to calling him again, but I forced myself not to. The last thing I wanted was to put myself in a position where I was pestering a man who just days before had been saying and doing things that made me feel like he was genuinely into me.

More than a week later, Amber had a little get-together at her apartment and I showed up looking and feeling morose.

"Hasn't he called yet?" she asked, offering me a plate of crackers and cheese.

I shook my head no and Marcy's voice came from the living room. "Are you talking about Dallas? Did he call, Tia?"

I turned to Amber, annoyed. "I asked you to keep this between us," I whispered, "this was supposed to be between me and you –"

Madison came bouncing into the foyer, took one look at me and gave me a hug. "He's a jerk, Tia. I'm just sorry you weren't here long enough to learn that before – well, before getting close to him."

Damnit. Amber had told them. I suppose I shouldn't have been too surprised – I know how it is with close girlfriends – but I still was. When I looked at her again she had a sheepish look on her face.

"I didn't tell anyone else. I promise. I really didn't. It was just – oh God, I'm so bad at keeping secrets."

I frowned. "It would have been more useful if you'd told me that before I spilled all of mine to you, then."

I hate tension. I especially hate tension when it pops up in what was a convivial atmosphere. Marcy and Kayla came wandering in and immediately saw the looks on our faces and for a little while we all just stood there, squirming, until Amber threw her hands in the air and looked at me.

"OK. OK, Tia. I blabbed. I knew they wouldn't say anything, but I also know that doesn't help. I'm sorry. You were just so cagey and – like I said, I can never keep things in for too long. I'm sorry. Really, I'm sorry."

"I don't know what I'm supposed to say to that," I replied. "You're sorry? OK. But I asked you not to say anything and you said you wouldn't and now..."

"I know. I thought I could keep it a secret."

Kayla put her arm around my shoulder and leaned in. "She's not entirely full of shit, Tia. If you want a secret kept, Amber is not your girl. You haven't known her very long or you would have figured it out like the rest of us did. It's –"

"Hey!" Amber cut in, angry herself now. "What are you talking about? I can keep a secret!"

The other three girls chuckled and this just seemed to infuriate Amber even more. She looked around at them, an incredulous expression on her face. "Are you guys being serious? You can't tell me any secrets? What the fuck! How long has it been this way? And why didn't any of you say anything?"

"Probably since, uh, ninth grade or thereabouts?" Marcy commented. "Remember when you told Dan Telford that Madison had a crush on him? And his girlfriend tried to beat her up after class?"

"Yeah, and you told my mom we smoked weed that one time, too," Kayla added.

The dynamic had changed, the focus was no longer on me, it was on Amber. She looked like she was about to cry. "I didn't – I didn't know you guys felt this way," she said, very quietly. "I know I'm not always good at keeping secrets but sometimes they just slip out, I never intended to hurt anyone, it wasn't malicious!"

Her voice was wobbling and her eyes were welling up. It didn't stop me being annoyed but it did make me feel some sympathy. Kayla patted her back. "Amber, listen. Don't cry, OK? We're not attacking you – we love you! But you – girl, you absolutely suck at keeping secrets and everyone knows it. Now even Tia knows it. We know you weren't trying to be malicious, you just – man, you just can't contain yourself. I don't think you're a bad person."

Amber looked up at all of us. "You don't?"

Everyone shook their heads, including me. Sure, I wasn't going to share any more big secrets with her, but it was obvious she was just one of those people who couldn't keep their mouths shut, and not one of the ones who spilled the beans in order to hurt people.

I stepped forward, grabbed Amber by the shoulders and looked her in the eye. "OK. I get it. You didn't mean to. I believe you. Am I annoyed? Yes. Am I going to get over it? Yes. So please let's just have a good night. And since everyone seems to know everything, I guess I can get advice from all four of you, now."

The mood lightened as soon as I made it clear I wasn't going to spend the evening being mad at Amber. I was grateful for the support from the other girls, though, especially since I was still the 'newcomer' at that point – they could have ganged up on me and insisted I was being oversensitive but instead they subtly and kindly let it be known to Amber that she had earned herself a bit of a reputation as a blabbermouth. We retired to the living room to eat crackers and cheese and catch up. But what everyone really wanted to hear was what was going on with Dallas.

"I hate to disappoint you all," I started, seeing four expectant faces around me, "but there's really not much to tell. I gave him a couple of days because I needed some time. Then when he didn't get in touch I called him and left a message. Since then, nothing. He hasn't even come into Parson's. It's definitely starting to feel like he's avoiding me."

"Damn," Kayla said, knitting her brows. "I wish you'd said something to us before you even got involved with him. The guy is sex on legs, OK? We can all see it. And I'm not saying I'd say no – if he ever showed any interest in me, anyway. But he doesn't have his reputation for nothing. Are you just one of those women who likes shitty men?"

"No!" I protested. "I'm actually not. He wasn't a jerk to me at all – not after those first few times, anyway. He was super-sweet, really understanding about the situation with my parents, and the accident. Like I really got the feeling he understood. I just feel so crappy right now, like I got duped or tricked or something. He's just totally ignoring me. And after acting like he was so sorry for the mess with Larissa and the baby, too! I'm an idiot."

My friends made sympathetic noises and passed me the box of cheap chocolates we were sharing.

"You're not an idiot," Madison said. "You just got a little too attached, too soon. I've done it. Hell, I bet it was easy to do with him. Sometimes when a guy is a dick to everyone it can seem even sweeter when he's nice to you, you know?"

I nodded. "Yeah, and it's not like I –" I stopped myself in mid-sentence and turned to Amber. "Did you tell them? About the – uh, the – oh screw it. Did you tell them I was a virgin?"

It appeared that Amber had managed to keep that much to herself, at least, if the looks on the faces of our other three companions were any indication.

"What?" Kayla asked. "You were a virgin? Did you tell him?"

"Of course I told him, I was totally embarrassed about it – I didn't want him to think I just sucked in bed. And it's so weird, he was really good about it. Not to get into any gory details but, yeah, he was sweet about it."

"So he knew? You told him before you did it? And he knows about your parents? And now he's just ignoring you? That makes me want to drive up to his place right now and give him a piece of my mind."

There were murmurings of agreement from everyone else. That was comforting – just to know I wasn't crazy or making a big deal out of nothing. That knowingly taking my virginity and then ditching me was, as I suspected, a dick move.

"Screw that guy," Madison piped up. "Seriously, Tia. I know he's easy on the eyes but, jeez, what else is he? So you lost your virginity – no biggie, right? How many of us can say our first time was perfect? You've got bigger things going on in your life than Dallas Corbett. We've done this before, you know. When my ex dumped me right before graduation these girls stayed with me for hours on end, feeding me ice-cream and listening to me cry. So we can do it with you, too. No more waiting for that jerk to call. In fact you should block him right now."

I felt a little jolt of anxiety – a point in favor of blocking Dallas if ever there was one. Madison was right. Why should I waste even one more day pining away for that guy to call? He obviously wasn't who I thought he was.

"Yeah," Marcy agreed, her voice loud and determined. "Block him. And this is coming from a place of experience, Tia, trust me. After that embarrassing incident in the parking lot at the bar – well, let's just say I spent way too long waiting pathetically for that dick to call. He never did, of course. You don't need him."

I knew they were just trying to help. And I took my own reluctance as a sign they were right. I was too attached. Too inexperienced, too immature, just a silly girl who got in over her head. I pushed any doubts aside, as it's so easy to do when you have friends with you to prop you up, and blocked Dallas on my phone. As soon as it was done I held it up so they could all see the screen and cheer.

I felt strong. I felt – well, not good, but slightly better. I was going to forget Dallas Corbett. Not right away, but soon.

The conversation quickly turned to Dallas's baby, and the woman he fathered him with. I told everyone the basics of what I knew, which wasn't much.

"How does he know it's his?" Marcy asked.

I laughed. "That's what Amber wanted to know."

"Well how does he?" Madison chimed in. "If I was a guy and some girl from my past just rolled up one day with a baby and said it was mine, I'd want to be sure, you know?"

"I honestly don't know," I told them. "Maybe the baby looks like him or something? I didn't get a close enough look."

"He should get a paternity test," Amber said. "But that's none of our business now, is it? That's Dallas Corbett's problem, not ours. And not yours, Tia."

We gossiped on late into the evening, but there wasn't much more talk of Dallas. I think that was on purpose – I think they were trying to shield me from the topic, to help me put it behind me. And it seemed to work, mostly. When it was time to leave, Amber held me back after the other girls were gone.

"I wanted to talk to you for a sec, Tia."

"Oh?"

"Yeah – I just want to apologize again, without everyone else here. I didn't want you to feel pressured into accepting it. If you're still pissed, I mean. Which you have every right to be. I guess I just – ugh, I knew I was bad at keeping secrets, but I didn't know just how bad. For what it's worth, none of us would ever use information like this against you. What I'm saying is I know I blabbed but I also knew they would be sympathetic. That maybe they could help you get through it, like I wanted to do. That's not an excuse, I –"

Amber was talking quickly, without taking a breath, the way you do when you're desperate to get a point across. I put my hand on her arm and looked at her. "I hear you. I get it. Doesn't mean I wasn't upset, but I get it. There's no hard feelings. I probably won't be coming to you right away if I win the lottery or discover that Parson's is a front for organized crime, but I'm not mad at you."

"Good," Amber said, hugging me. "Thank you. And I'm going to work on it. On not having such a big mouth."

"I believe you. And I think that's a good thing."

"Oh and Tia, before you go?"

"Yeah?"

"Call me – call any of us – if you feel yourself weakening, OK? I know what it's like, trying to be strong while you're getting over some guy. I know those moments of weakness can be so hard to get through, and sometimes it seems like it would be so easy just to send him a short message –"

"I'm not going to!" I protested.

"I know! I'm just saying. You've been through a lot lately. So much more than most people your age. So I'm just saying I'm here. If you need to call, do it. Anytime. I mean it."

The ever-present lump in my throat made itself felt. My vision started to blur. "I'm sorry," I burbled. "I'm always crying these days. Even over good things – like this, like all of you being so nice to me and accepting me into your group."

"Don't be sorry," Amber responded sternly. "I mean it. Look at me, Tia. It's normal for you to be emotional. It's normal, girl! No one thinks you're strange or crazy, we understand. Come here."

She gave me another hug – a real, tight, warm hug. And then she told me to be careful driving home on the dark roads and to watch out for deer. I promised I would.

I drove home feeling heavy with sadness. Sad that it was over with Dallas, and sad because sad was just my default emotional state in those first few weeks and months after the accident. But I felt more OK with it than usual, more like a normal person rather than some constantly-bursting-into-tears freak. That's what friends do, isn't it? They don't make the pain go away, but they make it seem like something you can deal with. Something that might fade, one day, into the background of your life.

And that's how it went for the next little while. I took on more shifts at Parsons, as many as DeeDee would give me. Filling my time up with work just meant there was less chance of slipping into a depression. I missed Dallas, who never did start shopping at Parson's again, but I was almost fine with missing him. Amber, Madison, Kayla and Marcy all took good care of me, fussing over me like solicitous hens, badgering me to come out with them even if I didn't feel like it, showing up at John and Jenny's house with pizza, constantly sending me supportive messages and prompts to call them, talk to them, lean on them. I honestly don't think I would have been able to handle things without that group of girls standing beside me. And Dani from home spent hours on the phone with me doing exactly the same thing – just being there, listening.

It was over a month later, just as the air was starting to feel frosty in the mornings as autumn swept into River Bend, that I found myself sitting next to Amber one afternoon at our tills in Parson's. We were laughing about some customer or another, an older man with a strange habit of wearing fitted leggings. He'd just left and Amber was jokingly accusing me of having a crush on him.

"Please, girl," I joked, "you're just jealous he came to my till. If anyone wants to date a middle-aged man in leggings, it's you."

"He definitely seemed more like your type, though, Tia. Did you check out his butt? I mean, it's not like that thing's well hidden, not in that outfit."

We were just goofing off, the way we always did when things were slow. I cackled, leaning down over the register and then suddenly sitting straight back up again as an aching pain shot through my breasts. "Ow!"

"What is it?" Amber asked, munching on one of her ever-present granola bars. They were 'low fat' so, according to Amber, she could eat as many of them as she wanted. I didn't think her reasoning was solid, but who was I to deny a girl her granola bars?

"My boobs," I whispered. "They're sore. I think I'm PMS-ing."

"You get sore boobs when you have PMS? Huh. That doesn't happen to me. Maybe it was leggings-guy, Tia? Maybe your body is responding to his sexiness even while your mind is still in denial?"

"Shut up!" I giggled, scrunching up an abandoned receipt and throwing it at her.

She caught it mid-air and threw it right back. "You used condoms with Dallas, right?"

"What?" I asked, surprised, and not making the connection between my sore boobs and Amber's question.

"You used condoms with Dallas. Right?"

I hesitated and her eyes got big. "Oh, Tia. Seriously? You didn't use protection? Girrrrrl..."

I shook my head. "I know. Super dumb. At the time I told myself we would start but then it just – well, as you know, it didn't even go anywhere. I won't make that mistake again, believe me."

Amber was looking at me the way you look at someone when you're trying to figure out just how stupid they are. When I asked her why, she responded with another question.

"When did you get your last period?"

At that point it dawned on me what she was getting at and I chuckled. "Oh my God, Amber. Are you – are you saying...? No. Just, no – it's not –"

"Yeah," she cut in, not using the same joking tone I was, "but when did you get your last period, Tia?"

"I don't know," I answered truthfully. "I don't keep track."

"Have you had it since you were with him?"

Humoring my friend, I tried to think back to when the last time I'd had my monthly visitor was. "Honestly, I can't remember. I don't – Amber, I don't know. What, you think I'm pregnant because my boobs are sore?"

Amber shrugged. "Well you could be, couldn't you? That's how babies happen, isn't it? I'm kind of surprised you're treating this like a joke – if I was you I'd be freaking the fuck out."

"I'm not treating this like a joke!" I answered, even though I was. "I just – Amber, seriously, it hadn't even occurred to me. I'm not pregnant, OK? And don't go telling the whole town I am."

She visibly shrank back in her chair, like she'd been slapped, and I was immediately awash with guilt. She'd been making a real effort to keep her promise about being better at keeping secrets.

"Oh," I said sheepishly, realizing how cruel what I'd just said must have sounded. "Amber, I didn't – I didn't mean it like that. You just surprised me with that line of questioning – I didn't mean it. I'm sorry."

She looked down at the floor. "No, I deserved it. I –"

"No you didn't! You've been trying – I've seen it. We've all seen it. That was a crappy thing to say – I was just being all defensive about the Dallas questions, I think. Please don't be upset. I know you've been trying."

My apology was accepted, but the mood of the afternoon had changed. Amber was dejected, even as she tried to hide it, and I felt guilty as hell. When our shift was over I caught up with her in the parking lot and insisted she have coffee with me at the little coffee-shop next to Parson's before going home.

"I don't know, Tia, I'm pretty tired."

I grabbed her and forced her to look at me. "No. No, Amber. You're coming to have coffee with me. Honestly, you've been amazing, ever since I met you. You put up with me being a crybaby all the time, you supported me through whatever that was with Dallas, and you even got me this job! I said something stupid earlier and I can see you're sad. Please come have a coffee with me, I don't want you going home feeling bad. OK?"

She looked at me and smiled, finally. Not the usual big smile I was used to seeing on her face but better than nothing. "OK, Tia."

"Good," I slipped my arm through hers.

Once inside, I ordered a coffee. Just a plain coffee, because in River Bend, Montana, even frappuccinos were still considered pretty exotic. Amber ordered the same, and already seemed to be feeling a little better.

At one point, I leaned across the table to grab the sugar and bumped my chest again. I winced, biting back another 'ow.' Amber caught the expression on my face, though, and just looked at me, eyebrows raised.

"You really should take a test, Tia. It's not as ridiculous of a possibility as you think it is, you know."

I rubbed my forehead, trying to hide that I was annoyed at her bringing it up again. "Maybe..."

Thankfully she didn't push any further and we moved on to talk about other things. But as soon as I got home that night, and was alone in my room at John and Jenny's, I couldn't help standing in front of the mirror, smoothing my t-shirt down over my body and peering at my midsection. I turned sideways and did the same thing, lifting up my shirt that time. There was a little roundness there, but it was the same roundness my belly always had. Nothing bigger. I ran my hands up to my breasts, cupping them. They were a little tender.

I don't know why I was so dismissive of the whole idea. Well, I do. I didn't want it to be true. It seemed impossible, even though my rational brain knew it wasn't. For the next week I kept my mouth shut about my aching breasts, but every day I checked my underwear for signs of my period, and became increasingly anxious when it didn't arrive. I tried, again, to think back to the last time I'd had it, but I just couldn't remember. I didn't feel nauseous, though. My belly looked the same as ever. Other than the painful breasts everything seemed completely normal.

Over a week later, Amber came into the employee bathroom while I was in there checking my make-up. She glanced over at me.

"Did you get it yet?"

"Get what?"

"Tia, you know what. Did you?"

I turned away from the mirror and looked at her as a hot wave of anxiety washed over me. "No," I said quietly. "I didn't."

"Then you should take a test. Come on, don't be dumb. Just get it over with."

She was right. I had to take a test, if only to put my mind at ease. I took a deep breath. "OK. I will. They have them in the pharmacy section, right?"

"Yeah. I'll go get one right now if you want. And I'll stay here with you while you take it."

I wanted to say no. I wanted it to go away. I wanted to never have to think about it again. But I just nodded and waited there in front of the sink, staring into my own frightened eyes in the mirror when Amber left. Please don't let it be true. Please, universe, do me this one favor.

She came back about five minutes later with two boxes, which she opened for me. "Here we go. You have to pee on these sticks. I did this with my sister. I'll wait right out here, OK?"

I went back into the stall silently and emerged a short time later, my heart pounding. "How long does it take?"

Amber looked down at the packaging. "Hold on, I'll check. Just, uh, grab a paper towel and put them on the counter."

We waited for fifteen minutes, barely talking, as my anxiety levels rose higher and higher. "I can't look!" I blurted, when Amber's phone timer chimed to let us know we could check. "I can't. Seriously."

"Do you want me to do it?"

"Yes. Please, I can't do it. And, Amber?"

"I'm not going to tell anyone, Tia," she said solemnly. "Either way, I promise you, I am not going to say a thing."

I believed her. She really was making an effort, and I wanted her to know that I saw it. I stepped back from the counter so Amber could lean in and look at the results. I watched her bend down to get a closer look. When she looked up at me again I couldn't read the look on her face.

"Well?"

Instead of answering right away, she put her arms around me and gave me a hug. "Tia, I'm here for you. That's what I want you to know, OK? I'm here for you and I'm going to help you get through –"

"It's positive?" I asked, my voice a strangled little squeak. But she didn't even have to say yes because I could just tell. The room started to spin and I leaned back against the wall with a thud, not even noticing it as my knees gave way and I slid slowly down onto the cold tile floor.

"Oh my God," I breathed, burying my face in my hands. "Oh – Amber, oh my God. I'm so stupid. I'm so fucking stupid."

"No!" Amber practically shouted, sitting down next to me and shaking me by the shoulders. "No. No, Tia. You are not stupid. I don't want you to say that again. This is –"

"Yes I am," I moaned. "Of course I am. Who does that? Who has sex without a condom and thinks they won't get pregnant by magic? My parents would be so angry. I can't believe this is happening. I can't –"

"Stop it! Right now! Damnit, Tia, look at me!" Amber yelled, finally grabbing my face and physically forcing me to look at her. "Stop doing this – stop saying those things. This isn't the goddamn olden days. You have choices. And you're wrong, you're not stupid. This happens to loads of people. It even happened to – actually, I can't say, but it happened to someone I know. People get carried away."

I laughed bitterly. "Yeah, one of my friends back home got pregnant in eleventh grade. I was supportive, of course, but secretly I thought she was stupid for letting it happen. And now look. My first time. I'm that girl now, the one who gets knocked up her first time with some guy who doesn't even give two shits about her."

At that moment, another employee pushed the bathroom door open and stopped short when she saw Amber and I curled up on the floor together. "Oh," she said, surprised. "I'll, uh, I'll come back –"

"No," Amber told her, "it's fine, we're leaving now."

She pulled me to my feet and steered me out of Parson's. "You're staying the night with me, Tia. I don't want you to be alone."

I just nodded, unable to really process anything that was happening. It was twenty minutes later, when we were parked outside Amber's apartment complex, before I said anything else. Amber was rubbing my back.

"I can't believe I'm not crying."

"You're just in shock," she replied, pushing my hair out of my face. "Come on, let's get you inside. I'll make us some dinner."

But I grabbed her wrist when she went to open the door and she turned back to me.

"I'm pregnant?" I asked, still oddly baffled by a fact that shouldn't, in reality, have been baffling at all. "I'm pregnant? What – Amber, what am I going to do? What the hell am I going to do?"