CHAPTER 34
SAM
Together Again
I’m driving home to get Noelle while Abi showers. We started to make love, but decided it was too soon. For both of us. She has as much respect for Sara’s memory as I do. Even though I know this was what Sara wanted, it just seems too soon to be getting physical.
My body, however, wasn’t entirely on board with the decision. Well, actually, it wasn’t on board at all. The evidence of its resistance is still straining painfully against my zipper. I’ve been trying to get rid of it with thoughts of naked old ladies and baseball and fishing, but none of that’s working. All I seem to be able to picture is a beautiful naked Abi staring up at me from her bed. Logistically, we stopped just in the nick of time, but physically, we stopped way too soon. There was a hell of a lot more I wanted to do.
Still do.
And I don’t plan to hold off much longer. I don’t even know if I could. It’s been too long, too long since I’ve been able to bury myself in the woman who stole my heart and never gave all of it back.
I pull into the driveway to see my dad lifting a suitcase into the trunk of his car. That does what nothing else has been able to manage since I left Abi’s. It totally and completely cools my carnal jets.
I park in front of the garage rather than pulling inside it, and I get out and walk around to his car. “Leaving so soon? You’ve only been here a day.”
“No, we’re not leaving. Your mother wanted to unpack and put her things in the drawers. She wants to stay for a few weeks, since you offered. Thought I’d put the empty cases in the car, out of the way. That all right with you?” Even now, over something as silly as this, there’s a challenge in his eyes.
I don’t rise to the bait. I’m too happy, life is too sweet to let the little things bother me. There are a finite amount of minutes left for me. I sure as hell don’t plan to spend them holding onto petty grudges and sulking over old wounds. Like Abi said, today is a new day. A different day.
A better day.
“Dad, I’m your son. My house is your house. Make yourself at home. Whatever you want to do is fine with me. You’re welcome here as long as you want, anytime you want to come.”
He nods, slamming the lid shut. “You said you were with Abi, is that right?”
My muscles clench with tension. It feels like he’s picking a fight, and I’m trying not to bite, but… Abi is off limits. Period.
“Yep. You remember Abi, don’t you?”
“I do. Always knew you’d lose her.”
I’m able to smile about that now, for one simple reason. “You did say that, didn’t you? You just never said I’d find her again.”
“No, but I always hoped you would. She was good for you. She was just better than you were at the time. I wanted you to grow up and be good for her, too.”
“I don’t know if I could ever be good enough for anyone else in your eyes, Dad.” I laugh, but there’s an edge to my voice. I can’t seem to keep it out when it comes to my father. We just bring out the worst in each other. We always have.
“You were when you married Sara. You did right by that girl. She was good for you in a different way, and you stepped up to be a man I was proud of.”
I frown. “You never told me that.”
“I shouldn’t have to.”
“Maybe not, but it would’ve been nice.”
“You don’t need my approval. You never did. You were plenty strong without it.”
“I had to be.”
He nods a few times and then raises a hand to clap me on the shoulder. “Invite Abi over. You’re good with food on the grill.”
“She won’t be coming over for a while. We’ve decided to see each other and let Noelle see her at her house. Out of respect for Sara and so that Noelle doesn’t feel like her mother’s being replaced. Just for a while.”
“Probably wise.”
“But I can grill at her house. You and Mom could come over there. She’s renting a place on the other side of the cove.”
“Hmmmm,” he says, raising his brows. “Almost like fate was bringing her right back to your door.”
I think on his words before I respond. I’ve thought on several occasions that the timing of Abi’s return was more than just coincidence. Maybe it all started two years ago, when Sara got sick and Abi lost her daughter. Both of our lives started falling apart at the same time. But maybe they weren’t falling apart at all. Maybe they were falling into place. “Yeah, seems like it.”
“I’ll talk to your mother, but I’m sure she’d love to. You clear it with Abi and let us know. We can keep Noelle as long as you need.”
“I was actually going to take her over there to spend the day. Why don’t you and Mom relax here and I’ll call you later? I’m sure Abi will be okay with it, but I’ll ask and let you know. Sound good?”
“Sounds good.” I open the front door and hold it for Dad then close it behind myself when we’re both inside. He turns to me just before he goes right and I go left. “Sam?”
“Yeah?”
He clears his throat and glances at the ground. “I’m proud of you, son.”
I don’t know what to say to that, and it seems Dad doesn’t either. An awkward silence follows his declaration, and it’s only after I don’t respond right away that my father raises his eyes back to mine. At that point, I say sincerely, “Thanks, Dad.”
He nods and turns away. I watch him mount the steps, staring after him long after he disappears.
Eventually I make my way to the den, to where I know my daughter will be, glued to her movie, probably with my mother at her side.
When I step into the kitchen, I see that they are exactly where I expected them to be. I grin as I throw my keys onto the island, the familiar clatter causing Noelle to whirl around. A gorgeous smile splits her face. “Daddyyy!”
She leaps off the couch and runs around it to launch herself at me. I grab her and swing her through the air before bringing her in for a kiss. I know she feels ill at ease when I leave. I know she’ll have a bigger attachment to me for a while. She’s been getting teary every time I leave her sight, but she’s a strong, smart girl, like her mother, and I know she’ll come through this just fine. She’s surrounded by people who love her, and they, more than anything except time, will help her heal.
“I have a question for you, little bee.”
“What?”
“How would you feel about going to spend the day with Abi?”
Noelle’s large green eyes, so like her mother’s, round into dazzling jewels of excitement. “Today?”
“Yes, today.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“Right now?”
I can’t help laughing. Her voice gets higher and higher with each question she asks. I love that she loves Abi. I love that Abi loves her. I love that they both loved Sara. I love that we all love each other.
Despite the loss of my wife, one of the best friends I’ve ever had and a woman any man would be proud to call his own, my heart is full. Beyond full. It’s whole. Sara’s suffering is over. Hopefully Abi’s will be, too.
“Well, I’m not going to take you in your pajamas, so…”
It takes about ten seconds for my meaning to sink in. Noelle starts kicking her feet to get down and the instant her toes touch the floor, she’s racing from the kitchen. Moments later, I hear the soft patter of tiny feet scrambling up the steps.
I’m still smiling when I turn to find my mother watching me over the back of the couch. “You look happy.”
I know she doesn’t mean for it to, but her words cause a stab of guilt to cut through me. “It shows, huh?”
Mom shakes her head and frowns as she wrestles to get up off the sofa. She comes around to where I’m standing. “I didn’t mean it like that. I mean Sara was right. She knew what was best. And this is what she wanted. For both of you.”
“Yeah,” I say unconvincingly.
“Don’t feel guilty for loving two women, Sam. You didn’t plan it this way.”
“No, I didn’t. I would’ve stayed with Sara until I died if she hadn’t gone first.”
“And you would’ve stayed with Abi until you died if she hadn’t left first.”
I nod. “Yeah. I would’ve.”
“Not many of us get a second chance, hon. I’m glad you’re smart enough and strong enough to take advantage of it.”
“I’m trying, Mom. I just don’t always know what the right thing is, ya know? I mean, I know what I feel, but… How do you ever know you’re making the right decision for your kids?”
“You don’t. You love them and try your best to make sure they know it. The rest is a crap shoot.”
I laugh and let my head fall back. I stare at the ceiling, but it’s as blank as ever. “Good to know.”
“Look at me, Samuel.” I drop my gaze back down to my mother’s. “You’re doing everything right. I promise you. You and Abi were meant to be together. And Noelle was meant to be part of that. I can feel it. Us old people have a sixth sense about stuff, don’t you know. You need to listen to me when I tell you these things.”
“I’m listening, Mom.”
“Good. You hold onto these girls and you hold on tight. Love ‘em the best you can. That will always be enough.”
She pats my cheek affectionately and then skirts around me. “Now, I’m going to help that daughter of yours get into her clothes. And you…you could use a shower, young man.”
I laugh again, sniffing my pits as she goes. I don’t stink, but I could use a shave, I think as I rub my chin.
I’m reminded of rubbing my stubble over Abi’s soft neck and, suddenly, the day holds a wealth of potential that I haven’t felt in a long, long time. This is the way it was when I was seventeen years old. It was as though every day was a gift, and every day I got to spend with Abi was an even better gift.
I spin to go back through the kitchen and follow everyone else upstairs, and my eyes fall on a family portrait of Sara with Noelle and me. I touch my fingers to her smile as I pass and, for a few seconds, I can feel her happiness. Not just on that day, but now. As if she were here. This is what she wanted for her daughter. For me, too. I’m glad for all of us that I could give it to her. And that Abi was willing to give it to both of us.
I’ve had more love in one lifetime than any man has a right to. But I’m not going to complain. I’m just going to enjoy every second of it. My mission now is to raise a healthy, joyful daughter and make Abi glad every damn day that she chose to stay. I want to show her that the consequence of choosing me is love.
And love is all that matters.