“Go relax,” I offered. Standing at the sink, I helped Hadley clean up after dinner. “I’ll take care of this.”
“No. I can do it. Go make sure Asha isn’t trying to seduce your dad.”
I laughed, peering into the living room where the macabre mistress was talking my dad’s ear off. They were fast friends, of course. I’d tested the hypothesis and found that it was impossible not to at least half like Tiny Tim. She was still fucking irritating, but that was all part of her charm.
It had been almost a month since the break-in. Simon had been staying with us while we got the house back in order, but mostly to keep an eye on Hadley. Likewise, Tom and our friends had been practically camped out in our living room. I wasn’t the only one waiting for a major meltdown.
“I wish you wouldn’t do all this,” I said.
Hadley had been in full hostess mode since the cavalry arrived, constantly cooking, cleaning, entertaining. Wouldn’t even let me order pizza. The one time I had offered to cook, she damn near took my head off.
“You’re running yourself into the ground.” I wrapped my arms around her waist, brushing my fingertips across her stomach. “I’m worried about you, sweetheart.”
“Josh.” She set the dish down and turned on me. “Stop. No more hovering. You’re driving me insane. Tom’s breathing down my neck. Simon is pushing pills on me. I don’t need another dad. Please,” she said with a sigh that might as well have been a smack to the face, “leave me to it and find something else to do.”
I could have taken that better. I should have. Instead, I stormed into the garage like a royal fucking prick and proceeded to bash on Corey’s drums like they’d insulted my mother.
“Hey, hey!” Corey shouted above the noise after I’d been at it for over an hour. “You break it, you buy it, brother.”
He and Trey shut the door behind them as they stepped into my angry cave.
“Bill me.”
I kept at it, hitting the tom harder. I beat on that thing, kicked the shit out of it. Then the drumstick went right through the head.
“Motherfucker!” I hurled the stick at the garage door, where it snapped and fell to the floor. Surveying the result, I felt like a teething child. “Shit, Corey. I’m sorry. I’ll replace it.”
“Eh, screw the kit. What’s with you?” He took a seat on Trey’s amp, hands folded in his lap.
Trey grabbed the stool. “You want to talk?”
“Not for the first time,” I said, “but I’ve got no clue what’s going on in her head.”
“Hadley.”
“Yeah. She’s all quiet one minute; then I open my mouth and she snaps at me. I mean, I get it. She has every right to lash out and lose her shit. That’s fine. I don’t mind. It’s just—what the fuck, you know? I’m trying to be supportive. Why is she shoving me away?”
They were quiet for a long time. Dread welled up in my chest as I expected one of them to say something I didn’t want to hear.
“I forget that you didn’t see what she was like back then,” Trey answered.
“Wow. Okay. Right for the jugular.”
“Hadley deals with things in her own way. Give her some time. You’re doing fine.”
“Doesn’t feel fine.”
It felt like every day she was slipping farther away. The more I tried to hold on, be attentive, the more she retreated.
“We’ll tell you if you’re fucking up.”
“Why’d you stop?” Asha appeared in the doorway. “It was just getting good.”
“What do you want, Tiny?”
“Did you know your dad has never seen Labyrinth?”
Huh. No, actually, I didn’t know that.
“Neither has Tom. We’re going to watch it.”
“Start without me.”
“You sure?” Trey asked.
“Yeah. I’ll be there in a minute.”
They left me to my thoughts, which were nothing positive. My head throbbed with a constant pulsing behind my eye. Everything in that eye became sporadically blurry, like trying to see underwater. Despite my best efforts, I hadn’t eaten much during dinner. Sometime later, my father walked in to find I hadn’t moved a muscle.
“Would you believe I’m too scared to go in there?” I asked.
He approached me, taking to the stool that would henceforth be known as the What’s Wrong With You? Throne.
“Yes,” he answered. “And then I’d ask why.”
“She’s frightening.” Punky terrified me. “She’s punishing me.”
“I find it unlikely that Hadley would feel the need to punish you for recent events.”
“Maybe she should.”
“Why is that?”
“For kicking Scott out of the band instead of trying harder to help him. If I hadn’t been sleeping around, Stephanie wouldn’t have had an ax to grind. Hell, if I’d just paid him off, he would have gone away.”
“Son, listen to me.”
He stood, and the man before me had never looked so little like the patient, gentle, coddling man I’d known as my father. His demeanor changed to something I would have avoided at all cost had he ever punished me a day in my life.
“Did you cause Scott harm? Perhaps. And you shouldn’t dismiss that concern. Guilt can be healthy. It teaches us what behavior to avoid in the future. It rights our trajectory. But succumbing to remorse rather than learning from it is a fruitless endeavor. It’s a bottomless pit, Josh. Frankly, it’s beneath you.”
Oh, but it was so easy. Such an attractive state of being when light turned to dark and feeling good became nails on a chalkboard.
“Did you spend even one second under the misconception that what that man did to you in the foster home was your fault?”
“What?” My fists clenched. “What did you just say?” Because surely I’d misheard Simon.
“Did you,” he repeated, “ever operate under the misguided belief that you deserved to be abused?”
“Fuck you!” I shouted. I shot to my feet, smashing my cast against the cymbal. Pacing, I tugged at my hair. “I can’t...I can’t fucking believe you’d say that to me. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
I wanted to hit him. I wanted to hurt him.
“This is not your fault!” he yelled. The sound was all wrong coming from him. “Whatever Scott’s troubles, whatever your involvement, he lost the right to make you the bad guy when he threatened you, then broke into this house. We are not responsible for the behavior of others.”
I kicked something, whatever was in my way. “I should have been more careful. I have a responsibility to Hadley. What the fuck was I thinking?”
“Does it matter?”
“Yes!”
“Is there a danger of a repeat performance? Will you make such a mistake again?”
“I don’t want to, but—”
“You’ll do everything possible to support and protect her. She doesn’t blame you for anything.”
“Wait. She’s talked to you? What does she mean that you’ve been pushing pills on her?”
“Yes, we’ve spoken. I understand she hasn’t been sleeping. I prescribed something and I’d like you to make sure she’s taking it.”
“Damn it, Dad. Don’t do that. Don’t go behind my back.”
“With all due respect, Hadley was my patient before you became my son. Her health isn’t dependent upon your permission.”
“I’m sorry.” I sat down, taking a few deep breaths. “I’m edgy. I know. I have a headache—”
“You haven’t been sleeping, either.”
“I’ll sleep when she does.”
“And Hadley tells me that you get a lot of headaches lately. I’d feel better if you saw a physician. You’ve lost weight, and she says you’re not eating much.”
“It’s nothing. Stress.”
“Josh, please.”
Meeting his eyes, I knew better than to argue. “I will. Yes.”
* * *
Simon went back to New York a few days later. Hadley finally had enough of everyone’s constant surveillance and politely told our friends and family to go the fuck home. I tried to talk to her. To sit down and have an honest conversation about how she was feeling since the break-in. I approached her a dozen different ways to get at anything like an honest answer, but all I got was “I’m fine.” Four fucking weeks of “fine” and “don’t worry about it.” What the hell was I supposed to do with “fine” when her side of the bed was empty in the middle of the night?
My dad thought it was all in my head. That I was so bent on taking the blame I concocted a conflict to feed the guilt-thirsty part of myself. The guys insisted Hadley just needed time to process. When she had, everything would get back to normal. But they didn’t know her like I did. Whatever bullshit she was feeding the rest of them, I wasn’t buying it.
“You ready for bed?” I had a splitting headache throbbing behind my eyes, but tonight I wasn’t leaving the living room unless she came with me.
Credits scrolled up the television screen. An entire edited-for-cable movie had gone by since the last time I’d asked her. Hadley sat at the opposite end of the couch with her legs in my lap and a book in her hands. It was almost midnight, and we had to be up by 6:30 for school tomorrow. Before the break-in, I’d have been making her come by 10:30 and we’d be out by 11:00. But sure, it was all in my head.
“You go on up. I want to finish this chapter,” she said. Hadley propped her elbow on the back of the couch and drummed her fingers along the top of the cushion.
I hadn’t seen her flip a page in twenty minutes. “I can wait.”
“Really, I’m not tired.” She offered a stiff smile. “Don’t let me keep you up.”
Flicking my tongue piercing between my teeth, I flipped through the channels on TV. She hated that noise: a tat-tat-tat-tat-tat that made her eyebrow twitch. Hadley’s chin began to work back and forth as she chewed on the inside of her cheek.
“What me to grab you a glass of water to take a sleeping pill?”
“Nope.” She drilled her eyes into the pages of her book as if willing me to leave the room.
“You told Simon you were taking the pills.”
Her eyes shot up. Hadley closed the book and dropped it in her lap. “Are you setting my bedtime now?”
“The bottle’s full, minus the two I watched you take before he went back to New York.”
“Now you’re counting my pills? What the fuck, Josh?” She yanked her legs from my lap.
“We never go to bed at the same time anymore. You’re getting up in the middle of the night. You’re lying to Simon. I mean, shit, we haven’t had sex in two weeks.”
She rolled her eyes and picked up her book, opening it a quarter inch farther in than where she’d left off. “I’m on the rag.”
“Bullshit. Your period doesn’t start for six more days.”
“Seriously?”
“We’ve lived together for three years. I’m perceptive.”
“So that’s what this is about? Your dick feels neglected? Sorry, Josh. I’m not coin-operated.”
“Why are you lying to me, Hadley?”
“Piss off.” She chucked the paperback at my head and stood up.
“Uh-huh, sweetheart.” I grabbed her hand. “I want a fucking answer. This shit stops right now.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Yanking her hand from mine, she stormed off. I chased her as far as the landing and spoke to the back of her head.
“Damn it, Hadley. Stop. Just stop. Because if you lie to me again, I’m not sure we’re coming back from this one. We made a promise: no more secrets. After all the shit we’ve put each other through, that’s the one rule that has to mean something. Otherwise...what the fuck are we doing together?”
At the top of the stairs, she spun on me, glaring down. “Okay, you know what? I think I should go stay at Asha’s tonight before one of us says something we can’t take back.”
“Does she have an attic?”
“Well done, Josh. You’re an asshole.”
“I love you, and you’re breaking my fucking heart. Please.”
“What? What do you want from me?”
“To stop sneaking around. Stop treating me like a fucking stranger you can manipulate into believing everything’s normal. I’ve trusted you with the ugliest, most humiliating parts of me, but you sit there night after night for a fucking month and you lie right to my goddamn face.”
“What are you talking about?” she shouted, clawing her hands through her hair.
“I watched you. Creeping around the house last night. Over and over. Flipping the latches and turning the locks.”
“You’ve been spying on me?” Hadley stomped down the steps to meet me at the bottom, eyes full of fire.
“Because you won’t talk to me. Let me help.”
“What right do you think you have to monitor my every move? Forget about how fucked up that is. Do you understand what a hypocrite you are? Until very recently you were screwing half the undergrads on campus, but you don’t see me checking your phone or hassling you over every drunken groupie who flirts with you at the bar.”
“I have never, would never fucking cheat on you, Hadley, so don’t—”
“Is that what it is? To you it’s like I’m cheating on you because you don’t get to watch the OCD girl fidget and count and pull her fucking hair out because she hates herself just a little more every time she twists the lock? Well, I’m sorry, but that’s sick. Really. That’s some kind of perverse fascination you have.”
“You could have told me you were back on your ritual. You should have talked to me instead of letting this thing fester inside you. We’re supposed to be partners.”
“Man, you just can’t help it, can you? This self-righteous bullshit just comes naturally to you. But if I so much as leave a fingerprint on the door to that music room, you’ll rip my ass a new one. We all have shit, Josh. The difference is, I don’t shove your face in it.”
“Is that what you want?” I turned my back on her and headed for the music room.
“Josh, what are you doing?”
The door swung open, smacking off the wall behind it. Then I got a really stupid idea.
“Stop it, Josh. You don’t—”
I hovered over the piano. Until then, I’d thought it was the thing I feared most. A massive black memorial sitting silent in a darkened tomb. The bench was over my head and ready to come crashing down.
“Josh, don’t. You’re going to regret this. Put it—”
I slammed it down, filling the room with the deafening sound of my pathetic rage. The legs hit the floor and my ass met the seat. Fingers to the keys, the melody came effortlessly. Easier than breathing. Like my heartbeat. I closed my eyes and let the notes slide down my arms, into my piano. Behind me, Hadley let out a sigh of relief.
“Why are you doing this?” she asked. “You don’t have to be in here. This isn’t what I wanted.”
“Because right now this simple fucking thing is taking all my concentration.” It felt like two bony hands tightening around my neck, squeezing the air from my lungs. My hands trembled. They vibrated over the cold, slick keys beneath my fingers. Behind my eyes, my headache protested every note. “And when I play this song, I see the blood running down her lips. I see the look in her eyes when she realized she was taking her last breath.”
“Stop. Please. You don’t have anything to prove to me.”
“Apparently I do.”
“Enough!” She slapped the cover over the keys, damn near snapping my fingers off. “Why would you think you have to do this for me?”
“Because I need you to trust me. If that means tearing back another layer of skin, so be it. You’ve hit bone. I have nothing left you haven’t seen.”
“I do trust you. It’s just...”
“I love you, Hadley. I’m not capable of ignoring you. And I’ve tried to be what you needed. I’ve never tried so hard at anything in my life. So I don’t know what the fuck to do with myself when you hide and won’t tell me what’s hurting you.”
“I don’t blame you for what happened with Scott, but I can’t control this thing. It eats at me every day.”
“Then why not let me help? Anything. Let me feel like I matter.”
“Because I knew you’d beat yourself up thinking it was your fault. No matter what I said to convince you otherwise, all you’d hear is that you’d broken me. It’s like you crave burden. You don’t know how to behave unless you’re living under a cloud of contrition. But I love you,” she said, skimming her fingers across my shoulders, “and I can’t stand giving you one more reason to hate yourself.”
Wrapping my arms around her, I pulled Hadley onto my lap and pressed my forehead to hers. “It drives me crazy when you keep secrets from me. I don’t want that to be us.”
“I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to let you down.” Hadley draped her arms over my shoulders. “I was afraid you’d be disappointed in me.”
“Never, Punky.”
Pushing the hair from her face, I pressed my lips to hers. This complicated, infuriating woman had never been easy. Our lives would never be simple. I didn’t love her because it was painless. We were a fucking mess and sometimes it hurt. But she understood me the way no one else could. And I’d never give up on her without a fight.
“For the record,” I said, brushing my fingers along her cheek, “I apologize for being a prick.”
Hadley arched an eyebrow. “And...”
“And for resorting to covert tactics. Maybe that was a step too far.”
“Hmm.” Nodding, she pursed her lips. Sassy little shit. “Maybe. You certainly know how to overdo it.” She grabbed my face and planted a rough kiss on my lips. “But I love you anyway.”
White light burst in the center of my vision. Electricity shot through my body, hot and violent. My arms clenched around her. My jaw locked. It was a sudden, terrifying burst like being struck by lightning.
“Josh?”
Hadley pulled back, but I couldn’t let her go.
“What’s wrong?”
I tried to speak, but my lips wouldn’t move. Sharp pain flared behind my eyes. The room slid sideways. Her face blurred in two. Her voice became a loud, high-pitched ringing in my ears.
“Josh!”
The last thing I remembered was falling to the floor.