In the alley behind the Nest Saturday night, I walked my father to Hadley’s car after our show. The birthday girl inside was down for an all-nighter, but traveling cross-country had taken a toll on Simon.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you?” I offered.
“No need.” He unlocked the car with the key fob, the headlights illuminating the small lot. “Stay and have fun. And please eat something. You barely touched dinner, and you’re looking a little thin since the last time I saw you.”
“Yeah, sure. Just haven’t had much of an appetite recently.” It seemed every time I looked at food my stomach went a bit queasy these days. I’d probably caught a bug or something. “I’m glad you came. Means a lot that you could see us play.”
“I thoroughly enjoyed myself.” Simon opened the passenger door and turned to face me. “Your mother would be proud to see everything you’ve accomplished. The way you’ve grown.”
My eyes fell to the fascinating scuffmarks on my leather boots. “Thanks.”
“Josh, if there’s anything to take away from the girl you had tucked under your arm all night, it’s that a passion so strong has no substitute.”
“Yeah. I got that part figured out. I’m not letting her go. Tom issued the requisite threat.”
“I’m not talking about Hadley.” He slipped inside the car, lowering the window as he shut the door and started the car. “Love you, son. Be safe. I’ll see you in the morning.”
I took a step back as my father pulled away. In his wake, he left me perplexed. Oh, I understood his meaning just fine. Was it really so obvious?
I loved music. It was the only damn thing I was good at. The band, while a necessary distraction and suitable creative outlet, wasn’t a passion. Nothing against Trey and Corey. I loved those guys. No matter how much I threw myself into this hobby, though, I saw it more as a stagnant, failing relationship: She was safe, comfortable, and nonthreatening. She didn’t give me a hard-on when she walked in the room, nor was I overcome with the irresistible urge to mount her when she slipped into bed beside me. Days were not consumed with thoughts of her to the point of obsession, infatuation. Worse, she enabled my lazy complacency rather than inspiring growth.
Well, now I just wanted to throw Punky against a wall and fucking eat her.
Such deliberations only exacerbated my headache, which now had a side of tinnitus from the amplifiers. Tonight was for Hadley. Everything else could wait.
Back inside the bar, I went into the greenroom to use the private bathroom. It wasn’t pristine, but it got less use than the rotting petri dishes the customers used.
As I came out, Scott was waiting for me in the darkened hallway. With greasy, limp hair and a patchy growth around his jaw, he was almost unrecognizable. Small red scabs speckled his pallid complexion.
“I told you—”
“I want my money,” he said through chapped, split lips. His eyes were stained by broken blood vessels.
“You need to leave right now. I’m done with this shit.”
“Man, I’m not playin’ around. You owe me.” He was jittery, anxious, glancing down the hallway as if afraid to be seen.
“Scott, go home. Get yourself some help. I’m not doing this anymore.”
I tried to walk away, but he wouldn’t let me pass. Scott lifted the hem of his shirt to flash a small-caliber revolver stuffed in his waistband.
“I told you I’d be back. Just give me the money and we’ll call it square.”
“The fuck is that for?”
“So you know I’m serious.”
“You’re going to shoot me? Really? Who are you anymore? Look at yourself, Scott. You should be in a fucking hospital. You’re killing yourself.”
It was one thing to exchange a few blows and broken knuckles. Pulling this shit was goddamn insane.
“I’m done with your bullshit. You come at me with a fucking gun? Shoot me, you nutless fuck. Or go crawl back into your hole and fuck off.”
“Coming through!”
Scott backed off as one of the bar-backs came down the hall wheeling a cart of overstuffed garbage bags toward the Dumpster outside. Scott circled me, and for a second I thought he was relieved, like he’d been given an excuse to walk away and pretend this never happened.
“We’re not done,” he said, and darted into the alley.
Scott wasn’t there yet, but he was working up to becoming a dangerous man. I would have to go to the police, if only to protect Hadley and save Scott from himself.
But not tonight.
Hadley deserved to have fun, and I refused to let anything ruin her birthday. So I slapped on a smile and returned to the group.
I arrived at our table just in time to see Asha and Hadley slam blue shots of I-didn’t-know-what.
Hadley grimaced, shaking her head. “What was that?”
“I don’t know,” Tiny Tim laughed. The escaped member of Alice Cooper’s sideshow took a swig of Trey’s beer.
“You trying to poison my girl?” I asked.
Hadley turned around, smiling with a lopsided grin and glassy eyes. “Hi, handsome.”
“Sabra told me it was the birthday special,” Asha said. “I thought bartenders liked you here.”
Sitting down, I pulled Hadley on my lap. “Save any for me?”
“None for you.” She tapped my nose, blinking a lot over her dark, dilated eyes. “Someone has to get us home.”
Winding my hand into her hair, I caught the back of her neck. “Just a taste, then.” My lips met hers. She opened for me, allowing my tongue to lick inside. “Wow,” I said as I pulled away. “That’s fucking awful.”
Punky laughed and grabbed my glass of water. “I know, right? What did I ever do to Sabra?”
“Just so you know,” Corey said from across the table, Grace beside him. “Hadley offered to cook me dinner for a week if I spilled the beans on your gift.”
“Is that so?” I looked to Punky, arching my eyebrow.
“Yeah,” she said, without remorse. “And he wouldn’t tell me. How’s that for loyalty?”
“You already cook him dinner three times a week,” Trey said. “It’s not much of a bribe.”
“Speak for yourself,” Corey replied. “Sorry, Hadley. Bro code.”
“Bro code?” Grace scoffed. “Really? Can we please retire the phrase with popped collars and visors?”
“Screw that noise.” Hadley shifted in my lap and almost fell over. “I’ve known you longer. Doesn’t that count for anything? Trey?” Hadley leaned across the table. Everyone reached for their drinks to save them from the incoming calamity. Trashed, she was so damn adorable. “We’re tight, right? I know you like me better than Josh.” She sat up, grabbing my face and staring hard. “Sorry, babe. It’s true. I’m Trey’s favorite.”
“I’m crushed,” I mumbled with her hands squeezing my cheeks.
“Hadley.”
We both turned to see Andre standing on the other side of the railing that separated the table deck from the rest of the floor.
“Just wanted to come by and say happy birthday. Can I buy you a drink?”
“Thank you,” she said. “But I’m already getting them for free.”
“Right.” Andre gave us an awkward smile.
“Have a seat,” she offered. “You here with the guys?”
“Yeah. By the bar.”
“We’ve got room. Join us.”
The others started shifting their chairs around to clear some space at the table. I wasn’t thrilled with this idea, but what could I do? It was Hadley’s birthday, and that meant I had to suck it up and deal.
Andre gave her a nod and went back into the crowd.
“Be nice.” Hadley placed a kiss to my lips. Her eyes were soft, smiling.
“Anything. It’s your night.”
“So can I have my present now?”
“When we get home.”
She turned to the group, a plea on her face. “Anybody?”
Silence.
“Traitors,” she snapped. “All of you.”
* * *
The ugly lights popped on overhead to usher the drunk and stumbling out to the pavement. Right about the same time, my headache kicked in full force. Like I had a golf ball lodged behind my eye. Across the room, Trey and Corey were dodging dart ricochets as Asha and Hadley hurled them at the board. Or the vicinity of the dartboard.
“You know,” Andre said. “Right?” He sat across the table picking at the label on his empty beer bottle. It was just the two of us now, and I sensed a man-to-man was unfolding.
“Know what?”
“That I’m batting for the other team.”
“Yeah. I heard.” I leaned back, using Hadley’s straw to try and soothe the itch under my cast. “That has nothing to do with everything else. I wasn’t picking on you.”
“No.” He smothered a smile. “I figure you like me better this way. I get it. She’s not my type.”
Like was a strong word. I hated him less.
“You were close?” I asked.
“Are close.”
Okay, now I hated him a little. Whether he liked dick or not didn’t seem to matter within the realm of my possessive nature toward Hadley. He was still a man, still not a fan of mine.
“Help me out here. She never talked about you. Suddenly, you’re back in the picture.”
“I don’t see how I owe you an explanation,” he said, and crossed his arms.
“Listen, Andre. You and I will probably never get along. I’m good with that. But you’re going to have to accept that I’m not going anywhere. Hadley is my whole life. Like it or not, this is permanent.”
Looking away, Andre surveyed the room. A line of patrons waiting to close out their tabs crowded the bar. A dozen more filled the hallway waiting for the bathrooms. Veiled in darkness, this place was a dump. Under the unforgiving glare of fluorescent lighting, it was far less appealing.
“My dad sent me away.” Andre sat rigid, his attention aimed in the distance. “That’s why I left. I asked the wrong question and that was it. Called me a fag and told me to get the fuck out. He didn’t have a son anymore. Sent me to live with my mom. Hadley was the only one who ever called. So when you tossed her aside, I was there.”
“Whatever you think you know, Andre—”
“She protected you. Every day you ignored her and Hadley called me crying, she wouldn’t tell me what happened. Just because she’s forgiven you doesn’t mean I will.”
“I’m good with that.” I stood, tossing a few twenties on the table for the waitress. “You need a ride home?”
“I’m fine.”
“For what it’s worth,” I said, offering my left hand, “thank you for being her friend when I wasn’t.”
He accepted the gesture with reluctance and squeezed my hand harder than necessary. “If she calls me crying—”
“Look for me to be tied to her rear bumper.”
* * *
“You’re enjoying this too much,” Hadley slurred.
I held her in my arms as I climbed the stairs to my bedroom. During the ride home, she’d fallen asleep and didn’t wake until I carried her through the front door.
“Be nice to me,” I warned. “You’re completely at my mercy tonight.”
“Every night.”
At the stop of the stairs, I nudged my bedroom door open with my foot and crossed to the bed, where I laid her down on top of the duvet. “You want anything? Water?”
“Present.” Hadley sat up against the headboard. “Gimme.” Like a child, she held out her arms, fingers wiggling in anticipation. Fucking adorable.
“It’s not your birthday anymore.” The clock on my nightstand read 3:25. “I missed the deadline. Guess you’ll just have to wait until next year.”
Her lips turned to a playful pout. “Please?”
“Ah. There it is, the magic word.” I went to the closet. “Close your eyes. And don’t fall asleep.”
The restraint she’d shown in not rummaging through my room to find the hidden gifts was commendable. When we were kids, Hadley had exercised a remarkable talent for finding, opening, and then resealing Christmas presents. She was nearly impossible to surprise, the curious thing.
“Keep them closed.” The first gift, the recording of Hadley’s favorite songs I’d written, went into the CD player. I set the second one upright against the opposite side of the bed. Sitting on the edge beside her, I placed a card in Hadley’s hands. “Open.”
She looked down, scanning the generic birthday card with a sassy raised eyebrow. “If there’s a gift card in here—”
“Ingrate. Just read it.” I reached over and flicked on the bedside lamp.
“‘Something big and something new, something small and something blue,’” she read. “A riddle? Josh, I don’t have the energy for a scavenger hunt. Please tell me it isn’t buried in the backyard.”
“No. No digging.” With the remote, I turned on the stereo. The album began in chronological order with the first song I’d composed for her. The song I’d played for her birthday so many years ago when things were far less complicated and our lives were only supposed to get better.
Hadley’s expression dropped. A crease formed between her brows, her bottom lip trembling. No. No, no, no. Not the reaction I’d aimed for.
“Sweetheart.” I held her cheek, running my thumb over her lip. “What’s wrong?”
“You made me a CD?”
“I thought you’d like it. I laid down your favorites. You’ve been asking me to play for you and...” Shit. “It’s everything I’ve ever written for you.” Her face turned pink and tears fell to my fingers. She crawled onto my lap to bury her head against my shoulder, clinging to me. “Don’t cry, Punky. Please don’t cry.” I rubbed her back. What the fuck had I done wrong? And why the hell didn’t someone stop me? “Say something.” I pressed pause on the remote.
“No.” Her head popped up. “Don’t stop.” Grabbing the remote, she pressed play. “It’s perfect.”
“Really?”
She nodded, smiling and sniffling. “I love it, Josh. It’s the best thing you could have given me.”
Hadley pressed her lips to mine; they were warm, tender, and tasted of salt. Pure panic subsided into relief and immense pride as we kissed, and I realized I hadn’t strung her along all day just to fuck up in epic fashion.
“I get the old and small part,” she said. Hadley pulled back and wiped the tears from her cheek. “Something big and blue?”
I reached to my side of the bed and grabbed the bass guitar by the neck to place in her lap. Her eyes lit up.
“Are you kidding me? Josh. This is— How did you know?”
“I was always watching you, Hadley. I never stopped noticing.” My fingers trailed the side of her face and down to her neck, brushing her hair over her shoulder. “Trey said he’d start giving you lessons. I can teach you the basics.”
Enamored, she plucked at the strings, experimenting with the steel under her fingers like I’d seen so many times at Jupiter. I wanted to share this with her. To have something we could discover together. Those dark, gorgeous eyes looked at me with an expression I wanted to bottle and retrieve at will. I could bench press a Volkswagen on that look.
“Thank you,” she repeated, and set the bass on the floor against the nightstand. “For everything.” Her hand found mine, entwining our fingers. “Today was perfect. It means so much to me, Josh. I can’t even tell you.”
“You don’t have to. I love you.” I brought her fingers to my lips, kissing her knuckles. “I’m going to make it up to you—all the birthdays I wasn’t the friend I should have been.”
“No.” Hadley tugged my hand to her lap. “I don’t want to play that game. We’re skipping over all the bad stuff and picking up where we left off with the good parts, remember?”
“You’re right. I’m rehabilitated from my midlife crisis and my little arsonist isn’t setting any more fires.”
Punky smirked right before a yawn stretched her mouth wide. “Sorry,” she laughed.
“Go ahead and get ready for bed. I’ll set the alarm.”
Hadley hesitated. She held my hand tighter when I tried to get up.
“You can do this. I’m trusting you. Get ready for bed. Don’t touch the locks while I’m gone. When I get back, I expect to find you tucked in tight.”
She took a deep breath and nodded as she released my hand. I pressed a kiss to her forehead and left her to it.
I’d learned that the expectations of those you love are powerful motivators and strong deterrents. To make my father proud of his son, to be a better man for the girl I cherished, I put forth a greater effort than I might have otherwise. I made different choices than I would have if left to my own devices. So I hoped the same would work on Hadley. But if it didn’t, I’d do my best to be what she needed. Hell, maybe she’d never get over it and push past the needs of her disorder. All I wanted was her happiness. I’d take her any way I could have her, scars and all.
* * *
Sunday evening, after we took my dad to the airport, Hadley and I were sequestered at opposite ends of the house. Like me, she had a portfolio due at the end of the semester.
While she worked in Simon’s study, I returned to the garage to get started on that composition for my jazz showcase. My head hurt. That fucking incessant song wouldn’t leave me alone. My broken hand was sore. My stomach was revolting against the few bites I’d managed to eat all day. Nevertheless, I ignored the multitude of excuses and sat with my notebook open on the music stand and my guitar across my lap. By 1:00 a.m. I had made some headway. Not a revelation by any means, but enough to call the evening productive.
“You don’t think I can feel it when you walk into a room?” I looked over my shoulder at Hadley standing in the doorway with my sweatshirt hanging over lean, bare legs. Lovely. “My Punky sense tingles if you leave the town limits.”
Hadley smiled, rolling her eyes. I used to think that move meant I was irritating her. I now realized it was a response to finding me pretty damn charming. Oh, the conversations that might have gone quite differently if I’d had that bit of insight.
“Time for bed?” I said as she crossed the garage to where I sat.
“I can’t see straight anymore.” She grabbed my hair, tugging my head back. “I should have majored in philosophy or something.”
I slid my fingers up and down the backs of her thighs, marveling at how fucking soft she felt. I grabbed the backs of her legs, tugging her to stand between mine. “What, and give up the secure and lucrative future of a degree in art?”
“And what are you working on? Jazz? Maybe you didn’t get the memo, but jazz is dead.” She leaned forward, kissing along my jaw and down my neck. Hadley dragged her teeth, biting lightly.
My hands moved under her sweatshirt to grab her ass. No shorts, just a tiny pair of black panties. “Did you come in here to seduce me?”
“Do I have to try?”
“Hell no.”
I stood and attacked her mouth. My hand fisted in her hair. Hadley stretched on her toes to meet me. With one arm under her ass, I hoisted her up until her legs locked around my waist. We bumped into every wall and counter through the garage and past the kitchen. Damn near took a header down the stairs as I carried her to her room.
Inside, I threw her on the bed. She bounced, laughing. My cock strained at the image of this amazing woman spread out, waiting for me and the savage things I’d do to her.
“Show me something,” I said, rubbing my erection through my jeans.
Hadley reached for the bottom of the sweatshirt and pulled it over her head.
I climbed over her, first tasting her lips before traveling her throat with my tongue. On seven million separate occasions I had fantasized about licking every fucking inch of her. From her shoulders, I lingered with her breasts, massaging them, sucking her tight nipples until she whimpered, then biting for a scream.
Hadley writhed beneath me, grinding against the ridge of my cock. Manipulating the heavy flesh of one breast, I applied my mouth to the other. I listened to her body, alternating between hard and soft. Her noises grew louder, more desperate as I moved my attention to her other breast. With my tongue piercing, I lashed at her nipple, flicking the cold steel over the little peak. I worked on her until she was quivering beneath me.
“Scoot up,” I told her.
She slid up the bed to rest against the pillows, giving me room to settle between her legs. I knelt above her and held her right leg over my shoulder to kiss a trail from ankle to thigh, repeating the path on her left.
“You having fun?”
“Very much,” I mumbled against her skin. “You are my dream come true.”
Hadley looked up with a content smile and sleepy eyes. “I love you.”
“Sweetheart”—I peeled her panties down her legs—“I’m just getting started.”
I spread her thighs to reveal the Promised Land, my goddamn birthright as far as I was concerned. No lucky son of a bitch ever had it this good.
I devoured that girl. My tongue stabbed shallow into her as my thumb rubbed over her clit. Shoving two fingers inside, I sucked the sensitive nub, flicking my tongue piercing. Hadley’s nails scraped across my scalp, and I thought I might come in my fucking pants from just her needy violence.
“Get there, Punky.” I pumped my fingers into her cunt, harder and faster as she moaned.
Her walls clamped down. Hadley’s hands fisted the pillow. Her entire body jerked. I pulled my fingers free and wrapped my mouth over her pussy, licking every drop of pure ecstasy.
As her body shuddered and went limp, she muttered under her breath. “I don’t think I can take any more.”
“Do you mean that?”
“No,” she breathed. “I want a lot more.”
“Good.” I smacked her pussy.
Hadley slapped her thighs together around my hand, glaring at me.
“Bend over, sweetheart. I’m going to ride the hell out of you.”
“Please?” she asked with a sassy inflection.
“If I have to say please, I’m going to tie you up and spank you.”
Her mouth dropped open, eyes wide. “Rude.”
“Hadley,” I warned.
She took her sweet time sitting up, eyeing me all the while, like she was daring me to make good on my word. Another time. Right now, I needed to be inside her.
With Hadley on her knees, shoulders flat to the bed, I caressed her ass with one hand and pulled open my jeans with the other, shoving them down enough to free myself.
“Right here,” I said, running my thumb over her pristine skin. “My teeth would look so nice.”
“Keep dreaming.”
“You’ll cave. One of these days.”
Positioned at her entrance, I held my cock in my good hand, rubbing the head through her slit. Every bit of friction against the piercing sent vibrations down my spine.
“Josh,” she whimpered.
“Sorry. Getting myself all distracted.”
“You’re going to lose your topping privileges.”
Inch by fantastic fucking inch, I slid into her. I spread her ass to watch my dick disappear inside her. Embedded to the hilt, I flexed my hips, holding deep. Hadley squeezed around my shaft.
“So good,” I groaned. “Shit. You feel so—”
“Josh.” Hair flipped over Punky’s shoulder as she tilted her face to look at me. “Stop thinking about nailing me and do it already.”
“Damn, I love you.”
“I know.”
I pulled out to the tip, gently sliding back in. At an easy pace, holding her hips, back and forth, I stroked myself with her warm, soft cunt. So fucking tight. Bending over her, my lips traveled Hadley’s shoulders and down her back. I could have kept this up all night—slow, patient, just on the razor’s edge.
“Faster,” she whimpered. “I want more.”
But Punky wasn’t the patient type.
No matter that I had her nearly immobile but for my will, Hadley used every bit of leverage she could find to push against me, forcing her pussy to take me deeper. Faster. Harder. The urge to come was right there, but I wanted this to last. Leaving a kiss on her lower back, I encouraged her to roll over. She reached up to touch the side of my face as I settled on top of her.
“If you don’t want to,” Hadley whispered, “I understand. We can stop.”
“No.” I kissed her palm. “I can handle it. I don’t want to miss a second of anything with you.”
Covering her body with mine, with Hadley’s legs wrapped around my hips and her arms clinging to my shoulders, I made love to her. And when the memories rushed my consciousness, I let her hold me tighter until the shaking stopped.