Chapter Nine
Antonio
“If someone had told me a few months ago that they could take this dragon away from me and I could return to the life I had before, I would have accepted in a heartbeat,” Antonio whispered, holding Audiv’s body close to his own.
He’d shown her several different ways that a man could give a woman pleasure without taking her virginity, and when the temptation started to become too strong, she had dressed again, and they had retreated to the library, where they could cuddle on the couch without the temptation to remove clothing.
“Because your world was turned upside down and you didn’t know who you were anymore?” Audiv sighed. “So many of my students told me that…. I didn’t understand. I thought they were just whining about getting something amazing handed to them. I didn’t think they deserved magic if they weren’t going to embrace it.”
Antonio smirked. He’d spoken enough with Audiv to know that was true. She did not have a strong empathetic streak. She didn’t deserve to learn how to empathize like this, though. She didn’t deserve to have what she loved most about herself taken away.
“I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was someone else, and I didn’t want to be. I knew that being a dragon would change everything, even if it didn’t change the core of me… Or maybe it did. I don’t know.” He shook his head. “I don’t know if you can go through something like that and come out completely unchanged.”
“You can’t. That doesn’t mean that who you are—your wants, wishes, aspirations—have to change.” Audiv’s gaze darkened, and she turned her face away. “Or maybe it does. Gods know that I am unable to fulfill my dreams. All I’m good for now is teaching and brewing potions. What any other magicless person can do. I’m not a mage. I’m…”
Antonio pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “And I’m not a human.”
Audiv let out a shaky breath, the tears clearly visible in her eyes. “No. I’m human and you’re a dragon. At least until Michael is found and I’m able to find a way to reverse his magic stealing. That’s one thing I’ve still got, my brain. All the magic in the world can’t make up for a head that doesn’t work.” She gave him a shaky smile, but it faded quickly enough. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Your religion… I’ve heard a lot of people talking about how dragons are a sign of the end of times, because of a book in your bible. Revelations? That talks about a seven-headed dragon…”
Antonio let out a heavy sigh. It was perfectly reasonable that Audiv, not religious herself, would have a misunderstanding of the situation. What bugged him most was that there were a lot of people who considered themselves religious who were completely ignorant of the facts, too. It was easy enough to misunderstand Revelations, he supposed… but for the most part, the people spewing off false information were people who had never even read it.
“It doesn’t actually mention a seven-headed dragon. There’s a seven-headed beast that is a servant of the dragon, or the devil. But no seven-headed dragon.”
“But dragons are still synonymous with evil in the bible.”
Antonio let out a sigh. “Yes. And that did cause trouble and uncertainty for me and my family. But I suppose it’s like being gay. Something that you are, not something that you choose. Evil, though… evil is a choice. Nobody is born evil.”
They sat in silence for a moment, watching the other patrons of the library move about. There was one young woman who thought she was hidden by the stacks of books who peered at them in a dreamy fashion, but everybody else ignored them. Antonio wasn’t sure what the woman was hoping she’d see, but he already knew she wasn’t going to get it. He wasn’t the type of person to have PDAs.
“When you first realized you were a dragon…” Audiv whispered. “Were you frightened?”
“Terrified. I didn’t know what it meant for me, I didn’t know what it meant for my family. I tried to convince myself it wasn’t real, that I wasn’t a dragon. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier, had I just admitted it to myself. Came here earlier, gotten a better handle on it…”
Audiv pulled away from him and fixed him with a stern look. “There is one thing that I know would help you better control your fires that you’re not doing.”
The first thought that came to Antonio’s mind was sex. They had all been told when they first arrived that keeping sexually active produced endorphins and hormones that helped to control a dragon’s fires. He opened his mouth to tell her that they’d already talked about that when Audiv folded her arms and scowled.
“I know you don’t want to, but if you would voluntarily shift, your dragon wouldn’t burst through like it does. You’d recognize the feelings and be able to better prepare yourself, so you don’t accidentally shift.”
Oh. Right. Antonio glanced away. That was what she was talking about. Katrina and Thonis had both told him the same, but they didn’t give him the look that Audiv was giving him. Like he was being an idiot about the whole thing. And maybe he was.
He let out a deep breath. “I haven’t been ready to embrace my dragon, Audiv.”
“That day when I came and sat in on Katrina’s class, you said you accepted your situation.”
“Acceptance isn’t the same as embracing.” He frowned at her a moment, trying to think of how he could explain it to her. “I have accepted that I’m a dragon, and I’ve grown used to these fires in my belly. I think, if they were extinguished, I would miss them. That doesn’t mean I’m ready to go flying around with that loss of control.”
Audiv shook her head, sighing. “That’s just the thing. The reason you don’t have that control is because you’re not voluntarily shifting. It’s like a pressure valve. You keep it open, and the pressure doesn’t build up. You have it closed, and it explodes. What control do you have then?”
Antonio didn’t respond to that.
“Okay.” She pulled back and stared at him seriously. “Another question. This one more sensitive.”
Dread settled into the pit of his stomach, but he nodded.
“Have you gone back to your church since all of this started?”
Antonio’s jaw clamped shut. Why was she asking that? She didn’t have any religion, what did it matter to her whether he was participating in his?
“Have you had anything to do with your faith? And don’t give me that look.” She echoed his glare. “Answer the question.”
“I don’t—”
“Antonio.”
He clenched his jaw for a moment longer before reluctantly shaking his head. “No. I haven’t had anything to do with church since I became a dragon. I haven’t even worn the cross my grandmother gave me.”
“And why not?” Audiv pulled away and clenched her hands. The young woman spying on them started to look alarmed and excited. “How could you just throw away something that was so important to you? Next, you’re going to tell me that you don’t call your family, and when they call you, you make excuses for why you can’t talk to them.”
Not all the time. “Why is this upsetting you so much?”
“Why shouldn’t it?”
“Because…” he trailed off. He’d been about to say that they barely knew each other. That didn’t feel true, though. Yes, they hadn’t known each other for long and their serious times spent together had been a recent development. But he felt like he’d known her all his life. He felt like she knew him almost better than he knew himself.
Audiv’s expression softened as she sat back next to him. “You have to really think about what’s got you so scared, Antonio. You’re not going to be able to embrace or control you dragon until you do.”
“I know what I’m afraid of.” His voice was a whisper. “I’m afraid of going to hell for something I can’t control.”
Audiv’s eyes widened. She grabbed his hands in hers and shook her head. “But what you just said—”
“What if I’m wrong?”
She fell silent. Antonio’s heart plunged. This was the first time he admitted having such a feeling, and now that he’d said it out loud, he desperately hoped for some sort of reassurance. But if Audiv didn’t have anything to say, how could there be any comfort at all?
“If I’m remembering right,” she said after a moment, a pinch in her brow. “There is something in the bible that says that men are to be judged by their actions, right?”
Antonio nodded slowly.
“Then how can God be a just being, and judge some by their actions and others by what He Himself made them?” She gave him a challenging look. “Unless you’re saying that God is a vicious being that proclaims doom on a whim.”
“That’s not what I’m saying at all,” Antonio protested. His eyes widened. The very thought of it was horrendous! How could a being that had given him so much comfort in his life be anything but just and merciful? “But what if being a dragon means that I—”
“You said that it was like being gay.”
Antonio pressed his lips together and nodded.
“Do you think that every gay person is going to hell for being gay? Or are you saying that you think if you embrace your dragon and start shifting voluntarily… that’s what is going to send you to hell?”
Antonio sighed as he hid his face in his hands. “I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore, Audiv. And that’s the worst of it. I don’t even know if I believe.”
She rested a gentle hand on his shoulder.
“What does it matter to you if I don’t?” he whispered. “You said you only believe in yourself and magic.”
“That doesn’t mean I would ever deny someone else their faith, or that I don’t realize the importance of it in your life, Antonio.”
He inhaled deeply, feeling better just for having said it aloud. He lifted his head and turned back to her, a small smile on his face. His gaze flicked over to the young woman spying on them, and when their eyes met, she turned bright red and started to pack up her things. Antonio gave Audiv a light kiss and a grateful smile.
“I’ll be fine. It’s never been without its difficulties. It’s been hard to hold to my faith in the past, with all the hypocrisy out there. I just have to remember that I am not one of them and that my God isn’t a God of violence. Those who believe that He is, believe the lies of men using His name to harm others rather than His own words.” He inhaled again, shifting his mind away from the heavy conversation they had had. A small but peaceful knowledge came to his mind; even if he was a dragon now, that didn’t change who he was at his core. He needed to get back to who he was, a man who protected others. His eyes hardened as he thought of Michael Angstrom and the harm he had already done. “Speaking of which… There is a hypocrite out there that needs to be stopped. And you need your magic back.”